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Parents & Buddhism
While being a parent of small children can make it very hard to get to a sangha, or carve out the time to meditate, we parents (and our children) greatly benefit from mindfulness and compassion in our lives.
Spiritual leaders are often able to be in nature and solitude, maybe even live a monastic life, but we parents need to be kind and respond well, to be present, and appreciate the butterflies of moment.
So I am looking for ideas, sutras, verses, insights....especially from those of you who already have children and manage to balance a spiritual life in the midst of the chaos of play-dates, tantrums, potty-training and crushed cheerios...
Thanks :-)
Spiritual leaders are often able to be in nature and solitude, maybe even live a monastic life, but we parents need to be kind and respond well, to be present, and appreciate the butterflies of moment.
So I am looking for ideas, sutras, verses, insights....especially from those of you who already have children and manage to balance a spiritual life in the midst of the chaos of play-dates, tantrums, potty-training and crushed cheerios...
Thanks :-)
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Comments
If you read S. Dhammika's the broken Buddha, a lot of monks actually dont know how to deal with the precepts, taking it too literally.
Buddhism should serve as a guide, always in the background, taken into consideration when we have a dilemma or difficult situation. Not too literally as to consider it before every action (it does happen you know!).
At this juncture, IMO the kids take precedence, bring them up using Buddhist guidelines, bring them to centers, introduce them to the various personalities within Buddhism.
Children bring joy to every family. Forget about emptiness etc. This is philosophical in nature and shouldnt apply to our everyday life, its part of a very big picture.
Impermanence is easier to understand and apply as a guide. Tells us they will grow up, leave the nest, and grow old someday.
The middle way, if understood, is to live in moderation. What better way is there.
Cheers
I already see flashes of compassion and kindness in her when she is with other kids. It's nice......
I haven't really spoken about buddhism to her at all. I'll encourage her to read up on it when she's older but it is totally up to her if she wants to take it any further.
"Be the Buddha" when around your children and there are situations (especially bad or negative situations) that need to be dealt with and gotten through.
Teach your kids how to think first, consider all sides, and moderate emotions and reactions to show compassion and understanding whenever possible towards others.
This is a good primer to learn to set aside one's ego/immediate emotions before overreacting.
As kids get older and more able to understand, then you can get into actually 'teaching' them about Buddhism and Buddha.
This is what I did when my kids were growing up... I wasn't a Buddhist back then, I was a Pagan, but it wasn't until my kids were young teens that I spoke specifically about my spirituality. In the meantime, I raised them as Catholics, (our family tradition) with the understanding that when they were old enough, they would choose a spiritual path for themselves.
Of of my three kids, one (he's 36) has no specific spiritual path (but believes in God, sort-of), one (she's 32) chose to be a Catholic - but then switched to Buddhism a couple of years ago... and one (she's 29) is still exploring and may remain catholic, or not.
That may not work for all families, but it worked for mine. I hold no judgement against any of my kids' choices. That's how it should be- their choice. I always believed that.
@Bunks & MaryAnn, I have been teaching my (almost) 7 year old "relaxation" techniques at night. We do some basic breathing and I have him "check in" with his body, and trying to get him to start being aware of his thinking. He is an anxious kid, and this helps him when he is having a tough time settling down & sleeping. He comes to me some nights when he is nervous and says "Mommy, let's "do" relaxation". Since I too have suffered from anxiety (and panic attacks) for years, he will grow up with tools I didn't know about until recently.
Awhile back he walked in on me meditating, which I explained was just Mommy's way of taking a moment to sit and calm my mind. He asked if I was planning the day, and I said "No, I am clearing out my head, trying to get it like a blank sheet of paper, so I can write what I want to on it later". And I actually think he got that.
Someone taught me and my 4 year old: "Stop. Wait. Think." He now says it on his own. The other day my 4 year old saw my 2 year old getting very upset and he said "Deep Breaths! Take Deep Breaths!". Of course the 2 year old was too little to understand that at all, but it was still pretty damn cute. Sometimes I have the 7 and 4 year old count 10 deep breaths before responding to each other when they argue. I DO love what MaryAnn said about being a role model, but not pushing ideas on them. I'm just sharing little stuff that works for me- it will be up to them to take it or leave it, but like "please" and "thank-you" I think it could be helpful to know at a young age.
@Patr- I agree on finding the Middle way extremely useful- especially when setting limits, like not being too authoritative or too lenient. I like it when consequences are simple and almost from nature... I sometimes try to imagine that it's not between ME and THEM. So when they fight necessary limits I have set, that they are fighting with something else that has nothing to do with me. I'm am just a steward of the limit in the sky: "Hey, we all know that 7:30PM is "THE" bedtime for children your age, I'm just here to helpfully point out that if you don't take your bath now, you won't have time to watch that show before The Universe's Bedtime For You..." I'm half joking, but actually this subtle shift in my attitude has been working! For me, just trying to be calm and predictable no matter what IS a form of practice. Not an easy one ;-)
Mostly I just try and have fun & keep my sense of humor, because the time with them is so short and precious. I always reflect on how "this too shall pass," When things are rough, it helps to know it won't be rough for long, and when they are lovely, savor it.