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Weird, Mean & Violent Me Emerges In a Dream
Last night I had a nightmare about something I didn't actually do, but something that is definitely borne of my darker intentions. The dream exposed how I feel, but in not the most flattering light. It showed how how life would be if I act on certain desires. In the dream, I also felt very justified by my view- the things happening around me were in my mind supporting desires, but in reality, to everyone in the room it was obvious that I was just wanting what I want and being a jerk. Even my friend, who usually supports me in just about everything was there, shaking her head in disappointment.
I actually woke up feeling guilty, and embarrassed. I had done nothing, but the dream exposed what I want to really do, and showed me how I can use things happening around me to justify it.
Then I realized, at least I have not actually done anything- yet. It took awhile to shake the feeling of of embarrassment, and disappointment in myself. Then it really hit me. I still, underneath it all, kind of wanted to.... SO, I think, this dream identified an intention- one that will lead to behaviors that won't be helpful. This dream severed the moment between intention & action for me- something I really struggle with on a day to day basis. The action in the dream was a very exaggerated version of things I probably do- imagine the real things as small slights, but the dream magnifying them to the scale of extreme physical violence.
I am left with this question: How do I change these feelings and desires? I realize now, that cutting the weed at the root, where the views, thoughts and feelings are is how to better control my actions. I have been tackling the spokes of the path that are directly related with action- speech, for instance- by trying to control my desires, rather than change them at the root. So I think, I need help with developing better "intention" or "view". This dream demonstrated to me how these are interconnected. (I mean of course they are, but I *saw* it in my dream).
So now I need help with another spoke. I have been meditating as much as time will allow (I have 3 small children), and I am willing to try different approaches to the meditation, but can't really add more time in. I would love any koan or thought exercises, ideas that will help me develop better view/intention. Or a pill (just kidding). Whatever I'm doing is definitely uncovering some more "stuff" than I intended lately, and I am getting to know my darker side, without really knowing how to transform it.
Thanks so much.
I actually woke up feeling guilty, and embarrassed. I had done nothing, but the dream exposed what I want to really do, and showed me how I can use things happening around me to justify it.
Then I realized, at least I have not actually done anything- yet. It took awhile to shake the feeling of of embarrassment, and disappointment in myself. Then it really hit me. I still, underneath it all, kind of wanted to.... SO, I think, this dream identified an intention- one that will lead to behaviors that won't be helpful. This dream severed the moment between intention & action for me- something I really struggle with on a day to day basis. The action in the dream was a very exaggerated version of things I probably do- imagine the real things as small slights, but the dream magnifying them to the scale of extreme physical violence.
I am left with this question: How do I change these feelings and desires? I realize now, that cutting the weed at the root, where the views, thoughts and feelings are is how to better control my actions. I have been tackling the spokes of the path that are directly related with action- speech, for instance- by trying to control my desires, rather than change them at the root. So I think, I need help with developing better "intention" or "view". This dream demonstrated to me how these are interconnected. (I mean of course they are, but I *saw* it in my dream).
So now I need help with another spoke. I have been meditating as much as time will allow (I have 3 small children), and I am willing to try different approaches to the meditation, but can't really add more time in. I would love any koan or thought exercises, ideas that will help me develop better view/intention. Or a pill (just kidding). Whatever I'm doing is definitely uncovering some more "stuff" than I intended lately, and I am getting to know my darker side, without really knowing how to transform it.
Thanks so much.
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Comments
That applies to everything experienced, be it in this instant or in previous instants.
On another note: transformation is very difficult. Thus it is better to see it in all its suchness.
I'll give you an example: (just visual consciousness)
Lets look at a knife. Visually the knife is only a black handle and a silver metal part. The black shape and silver shape are made in contrast to the background it is on. Thus on the level of visual consciousness it is just color, shape, and with added light you get form.
Also I would like to assert that the very seeing is in fact the color, shape and form. There is no Seer seeing the form. There is only the color, shape, and form. And in fact the seer is just grasping behind the eyes and an afterthought.
So what does this imply? In viewing just with the act of seeing we get color, shapes, and form.
There is no story, unless asserted by conceptual mind.
So start to see how eye consciousness or the seeing of experience is in fact storyless.
Stories include: how useful the knife is, how dangerous it is, the thingness of the knife, its physical story. Basically anything conceptual is just a story.
That doesn't mean stories don't serve a purpose, but it means that reality is utterly empty of the designation we give. And in fact reality is constructed completely by our perceptions and designations.
So see everything in its suchness (prior to conceptual elaboration).
"Everything is coming from you, not at you." And this you is an impersonal process of all causes and conditions coming together.
Any appearance is just a play of mind. Nothing to take seriously, nothing to claim as mine, i, or my, nothing to built ontop of, nothing worth holding or attaching or pushing away.
See directly the insubstantial essence of everything. Then you don't need to fix or change anything because change and liberation is everything's nature.
Or its like these things were so much a part of you that you didn't really notice them before, but now that you've changed your perspective you notice them more, its a natural part of spiritual progress.
With more time and experience you can see how these things arise and you move past them so that while it may still be rather humbling to see certain aspects of yourself, seeing them in this way means you are letting it go.
It 'showed' you something- you saw the big picture. You already know what to do next- and that's 1. pay attention to what it showed you, or 2. ignore it.
I have read about emptiness, but have not really grasped it yet. I may have perceived nothingness times on the cushion, but those moments are fleeting. I'm not sure when I am sitting if it's peace or nothingness. I am just sitting. And the concept of nothingness is also a concept... so I can get lost in that particular infinity... I try to be with things as they are and not over think them. I struggle with emptiness- especially what I've read on absence of "form".
In day to day life, I am very confused by how not distinguishing form is helpful. We have trained our brains to make use of the knife, to know how to grasp it around the handle and not the blade is actually very useful- and that designation makes sense to me. I struggle with blurring the lines where they have been helpful. Do these ideas help people deal with difficult emotions?
@Person- that is absolutely what is happening. I appreciate your comment. It is humbling, and sometimes actually downright scary (depending on the level of aggression we have been denying). I really don't believe in therapy- not for me. I don't want to dwell in the negativity, talk about it endlessly (you will notice I left all detail out of my post...) I just want to learn how to transform the root thoughts and emotions. Just looking for tools anyone has on how to cope with this stuff as it comes up?
Ironically, I had tried "metta" meditation a few times before this dream! So I can only feel that I'm really resisting feeling kindness towards this certain person, and I'm just not ready to let go. But I want to, because I do see it more and more clearly. My thoughts don't seem to be connecting into my feelings- thoughts are changing, feelings not so much. The only answer I can have is that the ego is very, very self-protective and strong.
@MaryAnn- I am choosing to pay attention and not ignore it. But in doing so, I am struggling with changing the way I feel, my basic emotions and desires. How does one transform those? I find that some negative thoughts and feelings are very persistent and very harmful and looking for advice on how to transform those. I (half-jokingly) asked for a pill. These are not easy feelings, I have not been able to simply "ignore" or "fix". But you are right: It's all out there - I DO understand what's going on- there is no more to learn intellectually about the situation. Sometimes it's a wait & heal thing.
Thanks
Being aware is way more than half the battle. You are keenly aware. This is a good thing!
Remember, we don't have 'switches' to flip on and off to control our so-called natural impulses or ego-based perceptions. It all takes time and 'baby steps' (Boy I hate that term! LOL).
But I just get the gut feeling you are not in as much "trouble" as you might think you are....
Flip the thinking from "these are hard feelings/desires to overcome" and "I am struggling with this...." to:
"Hey, I see what this is about... I can change things" and "The answers are within me (hence the dream), I just need to coax them out....".
and here's a {{{{{{{ hug }}}}}}} too!
I have read about emptiness, but have not really grasped it yet. I may have perceived nothingness times on the cushion, but those moments are fleeting. I'm not sure when I am sitting if it's peace or nothingness. I am just sitting. And the concept of nothingness is also a concept... so I can get lost in that particular infinity... I try to be with things as they are and not over think them. I struggle with emptiness- especially what I've read on absence of "form".
In day to day life, I am very confused by how not distinguishing form is helpful. We have trained our brains to make use of the knife, to know how to grasp it around the handle and not the blade is actually very useful- and that designation makes sense to me. I struggle with blurring the lines where they have been helpful. Do these ideas help people deal with difficult emotions? "
Well about the mu thing lets say I am describing your experience, but look for yourself. Can you see how an object can have no story and story?
In regards to emptiness, its better to see everything in its apparent suchness. For instance touching the knife, seeing the knife, smelling the knife, thinking about the knife. These are all distinct experiences of the knife, which we bring all together and have the "whole" experience of knife (object) and "you" the subject using the knife in a functional manner.
When it comes to insight it is really looking closely at what is happening rather than adding to the experience.
Can the knife be harmful? Can the knife be useful? Can the knife help people? The very functioning is possible because it is empty on its own side, we give it purpose, we give it function, etc. Don't let emptiness confuse you too much as it will make much sense with practice and more study. Just see how all of these things are given to phenomena, they don't intrinsically exist within themselves.
The function of this is to make obvious the fact that we give attributes to things. We give function, meaning, purpose, and even the solidity of things.
And seeing that in your experience is key because that is the beginning of seeing through the solidity. What happens when we don't take appearances so seriously? What happens when we know its not as real as we thought it was?
These are just casual ideas you can introduce into your experience be it on the meditation cushion or in normal life.
Also what is always being pointed to is your immediate, direct experience. It isn't an idea or some kind of conceptual formation. It is just this experience. The sounds, smells, tastes, sensations, colors, thoughts. In your immediate experience look for yourself.
Is fear solid? Is joy solid? Is taste solid? Is this sensation solid? What the hell is a sensation? =]
@Taiyaki- thank you for that explanation. Fear is a tightening in my chest. It's not solid. That tightening comes from the concepts of my mind- and I think I can see how those ideas could be a gateway to some better understanding.
There is no quick fix, or koan or exercise because there is no dark side to transform. Just let it go.
I am a complete pacifist. I can't even imagine hitting anyone, striking anyone, knifing, shooting or strangling anyone. The whole concept is abhorrent and I shudder just to think of it.
I have been in situations when I was subjected to violent behaviour at the hands of another, and I remember thinking "I can't hit back, I might hurt them". I just tried to push them off.
I have never retaliated, or struck anyone, in self-defence or otherwise.
I have a relative whose spouse is causing them untold misery. The spouse is cruel, spiteful, nasty, vindictive and the child of this relationship is now, unfortunately following in the spouse's footsteps and making the poor hapless parent's life an added misery.
I feel for this relative, and my heart is heavy with compassion...
being subjected to first one, and now a second dose of really nasty cruel treatment by the two people who should mean the most of all....
So imagine my astonishment when the other night, I dreamt I beat the holy crap out of the both of them.
I actually felt my palm sting.
And what astonished me even more - is that I actually felt good about it.
And that's not good.
but you know what?
I'm not going to build up any permanent, lasting angst.
it was what it was.
And tomorrow is another day.
All of these comments have been helpful because I am starting to realize that by focusing on this ripple of thought, I am giving it more power. No one was hurt. So I have thoughts and some fears and unresolved stuff...stuff I don't like to think I have... OK.
Right now all I feel is very thankful for this community- I find this direction very liberating and helpful. Thank you.
Just not this one.
I have been able to slow these down; force yourself into the dream, and control the action. Take it over and make it your outcome. It takes some practice but it'll create balance in your waking and sleeping life. :rolleyes: