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How to manage Sexual Urges?

edited September 2012 in Diet & Habits
Let me begin by clarifiying that my sexual fantasies are what most people would consider normal and acceptable. (So we are not discussing behavior that is harmful to others, such as rape, pedophilia, bestiality, etc.)

However, I'm a single guy and am uncomfortable with continual sexual preoccupation that apparently most everybody feels. I regard sexual preoccupation as a serious distraction from my higher spiritual goals.

But it's not just some aspect of my personality that can be cut out, at least I have not been able to. It's so deeply ingrained. It serves many purposes, such as aesthetic appreciation of beauty, self validation, stess relief, etc. Then the guilt follows.

I don't feel that sexual desire is compatible with inner stability and peace. Is this my basic error to think these two aspects of my personality are incompatible. Or will sexual desire ease away eventually as I grow spiritually (whatever that means)?

Comments

  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    Are you planning to ordain?
  • MaryAnneMaryAnne Veteran
    edited September 2012
    It is my opinion, that it is a basic "error" to believe, fear, or expect normal sexual desires to be completely incompatible with a lay-person's Buddhist/spiritual path.
    Humans are hard wired for sexual attractions and desires....it's what keeps our species going. There are easy ways to infuse your sexuality with the lessons and 'truths' of Buddhism. Sexual desire and attainment of sex is pretty much covered in the precepts...

    LostLight
  • Have sex.

    It isn't everything as you're making out to be.
    MaryAnne
  • cazcaz Veteran United Kingdom Veteran
    You have to much attachment this is your problem.
    DaltheJigsawMaryAnneTheEccentric
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    Yeah. Sex is great, it's not evil bad, prohibitive or an impediment. Your hang-up about sex being evil bad, prohibitive or an impediment - is.
    MaryAnneDaltheJigsaw
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    edited September 2012
    'Just thinking'.. return to the breath.
    DaltheJigsaw
  • I'm not sure I understand why the guilt follows the sex, or why it is an issue at all?
    I think the 3rd precept is about avoiding sexual misconduct, not about avoiding healthy, nourishing and life-affirming sex. That kind of sex is allowed or I am quitting this Buddhism stuff now ;-)
    MaryAnneJeffreyDaltheJigsawcarolann
  • I think it's a matter of knowing when it's a naturally occurring thought, and when it's self produced to provide pleasure when such a thing is scarce. Allowing the thoughts to come is probably the best way to deal with them instead of suppression, however a desire to constantly create fantasies for entertainment purposes should be addressed. Just my two cents. Hope it helps!
    jazzmanJeffreyBunksDaltheJigsaw
  • Hey LostLight,

    I clicked on the "Insightful" icon several times under your post. But it doesn't register.

    What am I doing wrong?
  • You have to reload the page to see it. and thanks haha
    jazzman
  • It helps to take a look at the act of sex itself.. see what you are made of and all.

    A vat of various bacterium and really there is no substance there.

    Elements.. wind, water, fire, earth..

    Meditate on impermanence. See the desire then deconstruct it via the aging process and ultimately nothing but dust then the dust is not even there.

    Where is the desire gone off to? hehehehe


    I can relate with a type of guilt/regret feeling post ejaculation though. Ejaculation and orgasm are two separate things.

    Most have it in their heads ( ;) ) that when a male ejaculates that is the orgasm but that isn't so.. it is simply a function. I've had multiple orgasms before that have had nothing to do with ejaculation.

    But with ejaculation there is most definitely a loss of something though I havent done scientific research and am also not that spiritually advanced to really tell you what is lost in the act.


    There is a Seinfeld episode where Elaine is talking about how after guys have sex they act like they just commited a crime and need to leave.


    Post ejaculation is a nice place to be if one isn't beating themselves up over it because for me the desire is totally destroyed for a while after and it is much easier to see things more clearly after that.

    If I've been abstinent a while in every respect then thoughts about females I interact with will come up.

    I will actually start thinking that I want to have sex with these beings.

    Post ejaculation.. such thoughts are completely eradicated.

    I don't want to be with someone in such a way at this point. It's too much for me to handle.


    For me as well, there is a great difference between masturbation by oneself than sex with another.

    The former is much easier to handle while the latter carries a whole lotta weight that I'd rather not press in any way.



    Meditate on the disgusting aspect of the human body though.. bags of shit and bones.. hmm that is "sexy" :lol:


    I think the best thing to do is to just watch the desire.. not suppressing/repressing.. just watch it and it goes away so fast.

    If you feed it though it grows and then can avalanche into some difficulty if the goal is continued abstinence.


    As you age your sexual desires will lessen, that is for sure, regardless of whether or not you were trying to be abstinent or fully sexed up at a young age.

    Your peace doesn't have to be affected by it. As your acceptance of it all grows so will your contentment. See it for what it is.

    Don't ask me what it is though because I havent the foggiest

    :D
    LostLightjazzman
  • Thank you for that personal sharing, OneLIfeForm. I will ponder further what you've said and maybe comment additionally later.

    I'm glad I put this out there now because I thought I was the only one facing this predicament.
    But with ejaculation there is most definitely a loss of something
    It's a loss of energy of some sort. I get myself worked up in a frenzy, mainly out of boredom. There's nothing spiritual about it. Then I finish it and wonder, Why did I have to go and do that? Every time.

    It really feels like my animalistic nature takes over temporarily and the only way to get rid of it is to discard the energy that fuels it.

    But what could I have done more constructively with that energy? I don't know.

    DaltheJigsaw
  • jazzman said:

    Thank you for that personal sharing, OneLIfeForm. I will ponder further what you've said and maybe comment additionally later.

    I'm glad I put this out there now because I thought I was the only one facing this predicament.

    But with ejaculation there is most definitely a loss of something
    It's a loss of energy of some sort. I get myself worked up in a frenzy, mainly out of boredom. There's nothing spiritual about it. Then I finish it and wonder, Why did I have to go and do that? Every time.

    It really feels like my animalistic nature takes over temporarily and the only way to get rid of it is to discard the energy that fuels it.

    But what could I have done more constructively with that energy? I don't know.



    Nah, most all guys experience a similar thing in regards to that function.


    I will type from my experience that it is not easy to try and channel that energy elsewhere.

    Another thing you can do though is kegel exercises whenever you have desires like that. They are very good for you regardless of abstinence or not.

    Practice that and while flexing during one of those exercises, holding for 10 seconds or something, breathe the energy upwards into your crown chakra. Envision that energy being transmuted into blessings for all beings.

    I don't know, there are a number of things you can try.

    Also diet is a big thing. What you eat affects what happens.. ie: garlic can lead increase lust

    Avocados and other good fatties have been said to increase the amount of semen produced.

    Having too much food in your digestive system can push down on your genitals making it easier for expulsion of fluids.

    Don't eat two hours before bed either.

    Only eating what is needed by the body is a major help. Excess food impedes every bodily function.



    I agree with you though. I don't find sex to be spiritual. I don't feel that I am being virtuous at all when engaging in such activities.

    Being a human though it is something we must accept.


    Here are some good articles on the topic I've bookmarked over the past couple years..

    http://www.brahmacarya.info/2010/02/retention-of-semen-2/

    http://www.ecologyofthespirit.com/_infoexchange/articles/The New Science of Seminal Conservation.htm

    http://www.enlightennext.org/magazine/j13/bhante.asp?page=2

    http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/walshe/wheel225.html
    jazzmanDaltheJigsaw
  • Music and exercise are ways I've found to remove excess energy. Honestly, I've got so many hobbies at the moment, when it comes to managing them all I realize that such meaningless sexual acts are not worth it to fit in. Sometimes it's just a matter of lack of things to do in one's free time, though that's not always the case.
    jazzman
  • LostLight said:

    Music and exercise are ways I've found to remove excess energy. Honestly, I've got so many hobbies at the moment, when it comes to managing them all I realize that such meaningless sexual acts are not worth it to fit in. Sometimes it's just a matter of lack of things to do in one's free time, though that's not always the case.

    Yes, exercise helps out big time. That can be a great avenue to channel such energy.

    Also I was going to say, in my experience when completely abstinent, I have found that I eat much less, like very little appetite. (Read the second article I posted in the above comment and that will make more sense)

    I have found that when really sexed up, I eat a lot more and tend to get a sweet tooth too.


    Abstinence is not an easy to path to walk. To do it healthily I suggest being very gentle with yourself.
  • BunksBunks Australia Veteran
    Interesting topic.

    With regard to exercise and the release of energy, I heard a professional footballer (Aussie Rules) in Australia a few years ago state that some of his team mates would lock themselves in the toilet before a game and stimulate themselves to the point just before ejaculation then stop and go out and play.

    This would make them more aggressive apparently!
  • II would suggest just being mindful about your sexual urges - be aware of how it feels and where it leads you. From your post, it seems to me you are already doing that.

    Physically we are like all other mammals who are here to survive and reproduce. The urges are very strong and looking at them objectively, as we try to do with other aspects of our lives, is the way to manage them rather than having the urges manage us.
  • It's your ego that fears and distrusts any state which it judges "out of control". Ego needs to be in control, you see. At the moment you are clinging to an ego generated image of yourself as a spiritually evolved entity with which the sex urge is incompatible. But it's only an image. You need to be more simple and let the feelings come (no pun intended ). ;)
    Captain_AmericaPrairieGhostDaltheJigsawMaryAnne
  • federica said:

    Yeah. Sex is great, it's not evil bad, prohibitive or an impediment. Your hang-up about sex being evil bad, prohibitive or an impediment - is.

    and "... It's in error to believe, fear, or expect normal sexual desires to be completely incompatible with a lay-person's Buddhist/spiritual path.
    Humans are hard wired for sexual attractions and desires....it's what keeps our species going. There are easy ways to infuse your sexuality with the lessons and 'truths' of Buddhism. Sexual desire and attainment of sex is pretty much covered in the Buddhist teachings ..."

    **********************************************

    I wish we could just cut n paste these two answers and repeat as necessary when this topic comes up, again...... and again..... :)





  • I wish we could just cut n paste these two answers and repeat as necessary when this topic comes up, again...... and again.....
    Sorry to bore you, but this is life and the same issues do come up repeatedly. If this tipic does not appeal to you, you might avoid clicking on it in the future. Or start your own thread about another issue that comes up again and again.
    budzen
  • MaryAnneMaryAnne Veteran
    edited September 2012
    jazzman said:

    I wish we could just cut n paste these two answers and repeat as necessary when this topic comes up, again...... and again.....

    Sorry to bore you, but this is life and the same issues do come up repeatedly. If this tipic does not appeal to you, you might avoid clicking on it in the future. Or start your own thread about another issue that comes up again and again.



    Calm down, please.... did you not see the smiley face? Lighten up.
    And those are both very legitimate answers to your OP/question - And one of them was mine. Sorry if they aren't what you wanted to hear.
    vinlynRebeccaSDaltheJigsaw
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited September 2012
    jazzman said:


    Sorry to bore you, but this is life and the same issues do come up repeatedly. If this tipic does not appeal to you, you might avoid clicking on it in the future. Or start your own thread about another issue that comes up again and again.

    @jazzman, Come on now, that's un-called for.
    Try to engage brain before putting mouth in gear.
    When you'v been here as long as I have, you too may also begin to see some topics as "oh gosh, this again! Now where is that brilliant answer *so-and-so* gave? That would fit well!"

    I would counsel you to not be so prickly... That's twice now I've noted your judgemental attitude and Unskillful Speech....
    try to consider what might be being said. The written medium is a difficult one to communicate with, when actually so much more is understood through visual connection/body language...

    Be nice.
    You've barely been here 5 minutes and already you've put a couple of noses out of joint.
    And mine really isn't one you want to do that to, too often. ;)

    Thank you.

    DaltheJigsaw
  • DaltheJigsawDaltheJigsaw Mountain View Veteran
    Google "Transmutation of Sexual Energy." Napoleon Hill spoke about it on many occasions.
  • DaltheJigsawDaltheJigsaw Mountain View Veteran

    LostLight said:

    Music and exercise are ways I've found to remove excess energy. Honestly, I've got so many hobbies at the moment, when it comes to managing them all I realize that such meaningless sexual acts are not worth it to fit in. Sometimes it's just a matter of lack of things to do in one's free time, though that's not always the case.

    Yes, exercise helps out big time. That can be a great avenue to channel such energy.

    Also I was going to say, in my experience when completely abstinent, I have found that I eat much less, like very little appetite. (Read the second article I posted in the above comment and that will make more sense)

    I have found that when really sexed up, I eat a lot more and tend to get a sweet tooth too.


    Abstinence is not an easy to path to walk. To do it healthily I suggest being very gentle with yourself.
    For me it's the other way around. When I exercise, I have an urge to have sex/masturbate.
  • Sexual desire belongs to the five demon skandha (maraskandha). Your consciousness has been interfacing with the five demon skandha since birth. It is not until you get my age that sexual desire really, really drops—which is a really, really, good thing. In the meantime, the last place you want to go to is to a Dharma center. These places are buzzing with sexual energy (take my word for it). The only way to deal with such energy is to become more interested in the study of Buddhism than the study of young females.

    (These days I am around lots of young females between the ages of 18 and 30. I just spent an hour talking with a young mathematician whose body the guys have been drooling over for the past few days. The most wonderful thing, I enjoy her for herself. As the Grand Old Dude I am with the most beautiful women in Atlanta—yet, I am able to extend compassion to all of them without the slightest trace of sexual-ness. Dude, I hope you get there one day. You'll love it.)
    DaltheJigsaw
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    (Takes him all night to do what he used to do, all night.....)
    poptartMaryAnne
  • IMO; Abstinence is (often times) one big ol' easy "cop out".

    Because let me tell you, there is nothing more trying and complicating to one's Patience, Compassion, Kindness, Self-sacrifice, and Self-importance than being involved intimately and physically with another human being -- especially living under the same roof. Nothing.

    So in some ways, some people choosing celibacy/abstinence, particularly long-term, is -in reality- a selfish and self-absorbed choice.
    It also becomes a pretty time consuming thought process that is a big form of attachment in itself.



    Please note I did not say words like "all", "everyone" or "always".
    RebeccaSpoptart
  • DairyLamaDairyLama Veteran Veteran
    taiyaki said:

    Have sex.
    It isn't everything as you're making out to be.

    "Sex: the expense is damnable, the position is ridiculous, and the pleasure fleeting."
    Samuel Johnson

    :p
    MaryAnne
  • FoibleFullFoibleFull Canada Veteran
    There is no need to avoid your sexuality ... only to avoid hurting others through your sexual behavior.

    Buddhism is a process not of fighting our desire, but of observing it. This is what produces wisdom. And if your desires are making your uncomfortable, it is perhaps useful to remember that most of our suffering and pain comes from our resistance, from our feeling that we have to "fix" things as they are rather than accept things.

    Eventually, we start to see things clearly enough that (some of) our desires start to lose their appeal. This happens naturally and easily. You don't "make" it happen and you can't force it.

    I am not a teacher and I am not qualified to be a teacher either, so perhaps a quote from one who is will say it better:
    The Buddhist “learns to watch changes occurring in all physical experiences, in feelings and in perceptions. He learns to study his own mental activities and the fluctuations in the character of consciousness itself. All of these changes are occurring perpetually and are present in every moment of our experiences. Meditation is a living activity, an inherently experiential activity. It cannot be taught as a purely scholastic subject.” (“Mindfulness in Plain English” by Venerable H. Gunaratana Mahayhera, a Theravadan Buddhist teacher)
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