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How to manage Sexual Urges?
Let me begin by clarifiying that my sexual fantasies are what most people would consider normal and acceptable. (So we are not discussing behavior that is harmful to others, such as rape, pedophilia, bestiality, etc.)
However, I'm a single guy and am uncomfortable with continual sexual preoccupation that apparently most everybody feels. I regard sexual preoccupation as a serious distraction from my higher spiritual goals.
But it's not just some aspect of my personality that can be cut out, at least I have not been able to. It's so deeply ingrained. It serves many purposes, such as aesthetic appreciation of beauty, self validation, stess relief, etc. Then the guilt follows.
I don't feel that sexual desire is compatible with inner stability and peace. Is this my basic error to think these two aspects of my personality are incompatible. Or will sexual desire ease away eventually as I grow spiritually (whatever that means)?
However, I'm a single guy and am uncomfortable with continual sexual preoccupation that apparently most everybody feels. I regard sexual preoccupation as a serious distraction from my higher spiritual goals.
But it's not just some aspect of my personality that can be cut out, at least I have not been able to. It's so deeply ingrained. It serves many purposes, such as aesthetic appreciation of beauty, self validation, stess relief, etc. Then the guilt follows.
I don't feel that sexual desire is compatible with inner stability and peace. Is this my basic error to think these two aspects of my personality are incompatible. Or will sexual desire ease away eventually as I grow spiritually (whatever that means)?
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Comments
Humans are hard wired for sexual attractions and desires....it's what keeps our species going. There are easy ways to infuse your sexuality with the lessons and 'truths' of Buddhism. Sexual desire and attainment of sex is pretty much covered in the precepts...
It isn't everything as you're making out to be.
I think the 3rd precept is about avoiding sexual misconduct, not about avoiding healthy, nourishing and life-affirming sex. That kind of sex is allowed or I am quitting this Buddhism stuff now ;-)
I clicked on the "Insightful" icon several times under your post. But it doesn't register.
What am I doing wrong?
A vat of various bacterium and really there is no substance there.
Elements.. wind, water, fire, earth..
Meditate on impermanence. See the desire then deconstruct it via the aging process and ultimately nothing but dust then the dust is not even there.
Where is the desire gone off to? hehehehe
I can relate with a type of guilt/regret feeling post ejaculation though. Ejaculation and orgasm are two separate things.
Most have it in their heads (
But with ejaculation there is most definitely a loss of something though I havent done scientific research and am also not that spiritually advanced to really tell you what is lost in the act.
There is a Seinfeld episode where Elaine is talking about how after guys have sex they act like they just commited a crime and need to leave.
Post ejaculation is a nice place to be if one isn't beating themselves up over it because for me the desire is totally destroyed for a while after and it is much easier to see things more clearly after that.
If I've been abstinent a while in every respect then thoughts about females I interact with will come up.
I will actually start thinking that I want to have sex with these beings.
Post ejaculation.. such thoughts are completely eradicated.
I don't want to be with someone in such a way at this point. It's too much for me to handle.
For me as well, there is a great difference between masturbation by oneself than sex with another.
The former is much easier to handle while the latter carries a whole lotta weight that I'd rather not press in any way.
Meditate on the disgusting aspect of the human body though.. bags of shit and bones.. hmm that is "sexy"
I think the best thing to do is to just watch the desire.. not suppressing/repressing.. just watch it and it goes away so fast.
If you feed it though it grows and then can avalanche into some difficulty if the goal is continued abstinence.
As you age your sexual desires will lessen, that is for sure, regardless of whether or not you were trying to be abstinent or fully sexed up at a young age.
Your peace doesn't have to be affected by it. As your acceptance of it all grows so will your contentment. See it for what it is.
Don't ask me what it is though because I havent the foggiest
I'm glad I put this out there now because I thought I was the only one facing this predicament. It's a loss of energy of some sort. I get myself worked up in a frenzy, mainly out of boredom. There's nothing spiritual about it. Then I finish it and wonder, Why did I have to go and do that? Every time.
It really feels like my animalistic nature takes over temporarily and the only way to get rid of it is to discard the energy that fuels it.
But what could I have done more constructively with that energy? I don't know.
It really feels like my animalistic nature takes over temporarily and the only way to get rid of it is to discard the energy that fuels it.
But what could I have done more constructively with that energy? I don't know.
Nah, most all guys experience a similar thing in regards to that function.
I will type from my experience that it is not easy to try and channel that energy elsewhere.
Another thing you can do though is kegel exercises whenever you have desires like that. They are very good for you regardless of abstinence or not.
Practice that and while flexing during one of those exercises, holding for 10 seconds or something, breathe the energy upwards into your crown chakra. Envision that energy being transmuted into blessings for all beings.
I don't know, there are a number of things you can try.
Also diet is a big thing. What you eat affects what happens.. ie: garlic can lead increase lust
Avocados and other good fatties have been said to increase the amount of semen produced.
Having too much food in your digestive system can push down on your genitals making it easier for expulsion of fluids.
Don't eat two hours before bed either.
Only eating what is needed by the body is a major help. Excess food impedes every bodily function.
I agree with you though. I don't find sex to be spiritual. I don't feel that I am being virtuous at all when engaging in such activities.
Being a human though it is something we must accept.
Here are some good articles on the topic I've bookmarked over the past couple years..
http://www.brahmacarya.info/2010/02/retention-of-semen-2/
http://www.ecologyofthespirit.com/_infoexchange/articles/The New Science of Seminal Conservation.htm
http://www.enlightennext.org/magazine/j13/bhante.asp?page=2
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/walshe/wheel225.html
Also I was going to say, in my experience when completely abstinent, I have found that I eat much less, like very little appetite. (Read the second article I posted in the above comment and that will make more sense)
I have found that when really sexed up, I eat a lot more and tend to get a sweet tooth too.
Abstinence is not an easy to path to walk. To do it healthily I suggest being very gentle with yourself.
With regard to exercise and the release of energy, I heard a professional footballer (Aussie Rules) in Australia a few years ago state that some of his team mates would lock themselves in the toilet before a game and stimulate themselves to the point just before ejaculation then stop and go out and play.
This would make them more aggressive apparently!
Physically we are like all other mammals who are here to survive and reproduce. The urges are very strong and looking at them objectively, as we try to do with other aspects of our lives, is the way to manage them rather than having the urges manage us.
Humans are hard wired for sexual attractions and desires....it's what keeps our species going. There are easy ways to infuse your sexuality with the lessons and 'truths' of Buddhism. Sexual desire and attainment of sex is pretty much covered in the Buddhist teachings ..."
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I wish we could just cut n paste these two answers and repeat as necessary when this topic comes up, again...... and again.....
Sorry to bore you, but this is life and the same issues do come up repeatedly. If this tipic does not appeal to you, you might avoid clicking on it in the future. Or start your own thread about another issue that comes up again and again.
Calm down, please.... did you not see the smiley face? Lighten up.
And those are both very legitimate answers to your OP/question - And one of them was mine. Sorry if they aren't what you wanted to hear.
Try to engage brain before putting mouth in gear.
When you'v been here as long as I have, you too may also begin to see some topics as "oh gosh, this again! Now where is that brilliant answer *so-and-so* gave? That would fit well!"
I would counsel you to not be so prickly... That's twice now I've noted your judgemental attitude and Unskillful Speech....
try to consider what might be being said. The written medium is a difficult one to communicate with, when actually so much more is understood through visual connection/body language...
Be nice.
You've barely been here 5 minutes and already you've put a couple of noses out of joint.
And mine really isn't one you want to do that to, too often.
Thank you.
(These days I am around lots of young females between the ages of 18 and 30. I just spent an hour talking with a young mathematician whose body the guys have been drooling over for the past few days. The most wonderful thing, I enjoy her for herself. As the Grand Old Dude I am with the most beautiful women in Atlanta—yet, I am able to extend compassion to all of them without the slightest trace of sexual-ness. Dude, I hope you get there one day. You'll love it.)Because let me tell you, there is nothing more trying and complicating to one's Patience, Compassion, Kindness, Self-sacrifice, and Self-importance than being involved intimately and physically with another human being -- especially living under the same roof. Nothing.
So in some ways, some people choosing celibacy/abstinence, particularly long-term, is -in reality- a selfish and self-absorbed choice.
It also becomes a pretty time consuming thought process that is a big form of attachment in itself.
Please note I did not say words like "all", "everyone" or "always".
Samuel Johnson
Buddhism is a process not of fighting our desire, but of observing it. This is what produces wisdom. And if your desires are making your uncomfortable, it is perhaps useful to remember that most of our suffering and pain comes from our resistance, from our feeling that we have to "fix" things as they are rather than accept things.
Eventually, we start to see things clearly enough that (some of) our desires start to lose their appeal. This happens naturally and easily. You don't "make" it happen and you can't force it.
I am not a teacher and I am not qualified to be a teacher either, so perhaps a quote from one who is will say it better:
The Buddhist “learns to watch changes occurring in all physical experiences, in feelings and in perceptions. He learns to study his own mental activities and the fluctuations in the character of consciousness itself. All of these changes are occurring perpetually and are present in every moment of our experiences. Meditation is a living activity, an inherently experiential activity. It cannot be taught as a purely scholastic subject.” (“Mindfulness in Plain English” by Venerable H. Gunaratana Mahayhera, a Theravadan Buddhist teacher)