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How to control lust? Please suggest
misecmisc1
I am a HinduIndia Veteran
Hi All,
How to control lust towards other women, keeping into consideration that i have a wife? The problem is my mind starts revolving around other attractive women in my office. What to do so that the lust gets removed and I can ignore them, instead of my attention distracting me towards them. Please suggest.
How to control lust towards other women, keeping into consideration that i have a wife? The problem is my mind starts revolving around other attractive women in my office. What to do so that the lust gets removed and I can ignore them, instead of my attention distracting me towards them. Please suggest.
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Perhaps focus on what is important in your life and beliefs - your family - the person that you love and have chosen to be with for the rest of your life - the things that made you connect to that path in the first place.
If it still persists then perhaps it is hinting at issues in your relationship that should be addressed.
It's natural to not be blind to attractive options out there - having an internal conflict is probably a sign that there are issues, within you, to reconcile.
It's not in itself a bad thing to be surrounded by attractive people unless it's interfering with your work or making you feel uncomfortable. But remember women are people, not just sex objects. Perhaps getting interested in them as people might take the heat out of the situation.
there a differrent strategies.
if you have a partner have sex with him/her frequently.
masturbation,
learning to realise that it is very natural to be sexually attracted
but you dont have to indulge nor act on it.
sex is probably the most powerful biological drive.
so it is not easy.
Or pull out your eyeballs
Thanks for your replies.
Let me tell some hidden truth about me. i think it is not a good thing, but since the identity is hidden here, so may be because of it, i am able to share this thing with you all. Actually i have a problem - which has been with me for quite a long period now - to be precise this problem started in something in 1994 and it is still continuing with me, even after my marriage and i having my small daughter with me. The problem, which i am suffering with is - discharge of semens while i am dreaming - which i think is called nightfall problem. Now the complexity of it is - since it occurs in my dream, so i have no control over it at that stage. Now when i think about my past, i think in the past i have done big mistakes - like watching porn movies, blue films, all these activities by hiding from my parents, when i was in classes like 9 to 11 - even during my college days, this activity of seeing porn movies continued. This problem of having nightfall started from 1994 and is continuing till today - though it has reduced now in numbers in a month, but it has not completely ended.
What i have tried doing is - i have left watching porn movies for nearly a year now. i tried this thing of sleeping less so that i may have less dreams, but somehow it does not work - suppose i sleep 6 hours today, tomorrow say 6 hours, day after tomorrow say just 5 hours, then on the next day even if i try to sleep for say just 4 hours, then also within those 4 hours some dreams come and i discharge the semens.
what i have noticed is that - in my dreams, usually some instance of some movie, though i may have seen it years ago, or i have just heard about someone saying something about some movie that in that movie, that particular actress has given a hot scene - though at that time i try to avoid my attention to something else, but somehow in my dream, my imagination tries to make up these stuff and exaggerate these scenes so much in my mind, that my body discharges the semens. Hope you all are now getting my problem. I even consulted a doctor though he was an ordinary doctor, asking him some medicines in this regard - then that doctor said it is not a disease, it is just a mental condition leading to a physical condition in your body, so no medicines can be given to me for this thing.
Now I hope you all can understand what is the intensity of lust in me. But i am not that kind of person also, that i see any girl and immediately my mind starts to think of taking her to bed and having sex with her. while i am awake, I do not try to think about having sex with other woman, considering the fact that i am having a wife and a daughter. But when i am in sleep, this kind of semen discharging problem arises.
But, to be true, while i am in office and i see other attractive woman, somehow my mind starts to bother me by saying - hey look, is she looking at me, how to drag her attention towards me, how to start a conversation with me etc - though i try to subside my mind saying - all these things are completely useless, as i have a wife and i am happy with her. But the lust in me keeps on bothering me - look how tight dress she is wearing that her complete body figure is visible, see her skirt is short so how much her legs are visible etc.
Now since last year, when i struck spirituality, now i am seeing this as a major problem in me - because as per the precepts it says if you are married, then do not have even thoughts of sex with other woman. This is not to say that i keep the remaining precepts, but still, at least i can try to keep them. But when i see other pretty woman, there are thoughts of lust arising in my mind - though they are not so strong that it makes me crazy, but still those thoughts arises.
As to what i want now - is - to minimize sex in my life - though it will be difficult as in order to please my wife, i will have to have sex with my wife - which is ok with me. But not this type of semen discharge thing during sleep - i am fed up with this thing and sadly i am not able to do anything about it because it happens in my dream during my sleeping and i am not able to remove those thoughts of lust from my dream at that stage, which then exaggerate too much, leading to discharge of semens from my body in sleep.
So to summarize, i have 2 problems with lust - first with the arising of thoughts of lust and second even though when i am awake, i can subside these thoughts, but what to do when during dream, these thoughts come leading to the discharge of semens from my body.
Hope you all understand my situation. Please suggest your views on how these problems can be removed.
Wet dreams in my mind aren't so much of an issue - I dream of all kinds of weird sh**... but that's ok - it's just dreams - if I were in your position, I would clean up when it happens and carry on - perhaps consider having sex more - perhaps your body needs more or more regularly.
It sounds like you have a complicated relationship with sex - I say that because you point to having sex with your wife as if it is a chore - have you considered talking to someone about your relationship with sex?
i can say for myself that i do not feel crazy for sex anymore, as compared to it when i was studying in college days - may be this is because now i have right to have sex with my wife and before marriage, i was just thinking about how pleasureful it would have to be doing sex.
@RebeccaS: to be truely speaking, i have not told my wife directly about it stating that this nightfall problem i am having in my dreams, because whenever i am with her, we usually have sex once or twice in a week, so this nightfall problem does not occur.
But since currently i am outside in a different city for work and my wife is not with me, so this nightfall problem i have faced for 2 times in the last 2 weeks.
Moreover, i am trying to reduce this sex activity with my wife as i think having sex twice in a week is also too much, and since i have been studying spirituality for nearly a year now, i try to restrain myself from too much indulgence in sex, but sadly due to this nightfall problem, all the effort goes to vain.
And the basic problem of arising of lust towards other attractive women continues, making me feel that i am totally not meant to walk on spiritual path, which makes me feel very bad about me.
There's nothing wrong with a healthy sex life.
There's nothing spiritual about ignoring your own or your wife's needs.
Talk to your wife. She deserves the truth about what you're dealing with. It will also be easier to heal with support. The guilt and shame associated with your problem will be alleviated somewhat by openness and honesty. Guilt and shame makes you want to hide, so you have to stop hiding. You need to talk to her and let her know what's going on. As your wife, she'll want to help you and be a part of your recovery. It might not be easy, and she might not take it very well at first, but for both of your sakes, you need to talk to her.
Because that's the real problem here - the guilt and shame. Intrusive thoughts are just that, intrusive. The nightfall is an annoyance because of the clean up. But it's the guilt and shame that hurts. You can't control your thoughts, you can't control what your body does while you sleep, but you can heal guilt and shame.
I think you want a way to get better from this while being able to keep on hiding it. I don't see this as a possibility because the hiding is a part of the problem itself. Guilt and shame results in wanting to hide. You can't keep the guilt and shame but let go of the problem.
Honesty is your first step here.
Bluntly, what I am saying is that looking at my own relationship with sex, I don't seem to encounter these issues - it seemed to me from your post that your relationship with sex is different to mine - mine doesnt seem to lead me to suffering - yours does - I can only suggest that you examine that relationship further - my suggestion would be with someone who has experience in this field - purely because of your reported suffering.
It's normal to not be as crazy for sex as when younger - men (I am told) peak at 18 - there are also cultural pressures which change - overall, it becomes less of a pleasurable novelty are more another facet of a relationship.
Perhaps your attempt to reduce sex or your view that it is incompatible with your practice is leading you into the conflict - in my mind, spirituality is not so much about practising restraint - it is (for me anyway!) more about transformation so one is no longer restrained.
A wet dream in my mind does not equate to indulging in sex - I also do not see it as a problem, perhaps just a symptom... perhaps.
This is Hindu Kundalini yoga, or Tibetan Vajrayana, but it's also just another way of expressing what the Buddha taught.
If I have sexual urges toward other women I masturbate and the urge goes away.
My wife knows that I masturbate (as well as having sex with her) and has no problem with it.
Would that not work for you @misecmisc1 or is the issue deeper than that?
It may seem like "other" women. It may seem like "lust" or "sexual" desire.
But inquire deeper. That is the just surface level of desire. Look deeper into that desire. What if you come from the point of view that desire isn't bad. Cast aside the traditional assumptions in classical dharma. What if you explore and open up totally to that desire? What happens to the heart? What happens to the beingness? Can you feel the energy of the desire? What happens when you open up to that energy? How does this relate to the desire and what your heart desires?
In Vajrayana desire is a divine arising. The energy of desire is in fact the energy of this whole universe. We focus on objects of desire and never the desire itself. When we examine the desire we feel energy. The energy is opened up to and without aversion or attachment we allow that energy to expand. That expansion touches the heart and allows for love and tenderness. We find that the energy for desire is the energy of love. And such love when recognized to have no center and boundary becomes infinite in expression and energy.
So examine desire and throw away your dharmic preconceptions.
when we keep 8 precepts we abstain from sex.
monks n nuns are celibate.
how warped is that?
Sexuality is a normal human phenomena.
Remember that the biggest sexual organ is the brain. Mindfulness allows you to develop the moment to moment awareness of when and how you contribute to the sexual minutia that feeds your own sexual inertia. From the meditative view, the suppression of sexual urges does little to ease it's power over you. Awareness of how you feed your own sexual inertia however gives you options on whether you empower or soften your contributions to it's force.
It is not about denying your sexual energy, rather understanding how you allow it so much power over you.
Enjoy.
There are numerous things that can lead to nocturnal emissions.
Whenever I have it is usually after having been abstinent from all sexual activity for 18 days.. my dam has broken there a couple times before. Always though it seems that there were some titilating images running through my mind that helped set the causes and conditions for such a dream to happen.
I practice abstinence in spurts, no pun intended but now that I see the punniness of it I intend to intend that I intended that pun. Not trying to poke pun at you or anything but humor is a beneficial ingredient traversing the spiritual path.
I don't care too much for excessive release of seminal fluids. If I were in a commited relationship it would be another story but since I am not I try to practice discipline.
Thanks for all your great replies.
Some great advice coming from you all - let me take some time to analyze those things and will get back to you all.
initially i was worried about my meditation and if it is progressing, but now after seeing the teachings of Buddhist monks, i understand that - we can only put the seed in the ground, but how the plant grows is not in our control - so my worry will not help it in anyway. So now i do not worry about my meditation - but just sit - as theoretical understanding tells that no one going no where, rather one moment of conditions leading to another moment of conditions due to cause and effect is going on.
the issue seems complex to me as my semens get discharged during my dreams, when i am sleeping and sadly i cannot do anything about it, when it happens during my dream.
I think you should speak to a therapist.
For future reference, I think you mean 'penis', not 'anus'. I am guessing English isn't your first language, but the difference is important.
Your meditation practise sounds fine. This is very wise.
I really hope this has helped, i do tend to babble on a bit.
All the best
Sorry - I'm childish and this made me giggle...
No guessing required - that thing that often happens at the end of the porn films you watch, when a man grabs a hold of himself and pumps.... that's masturbation.
Give it a go - it doesn't have to be something you do alone - it can be a facet in your overall sexual menu.
Good luck and happy exploring.
Don't ask for tips though
Do a little research yourself. Good luck!
However, pressing your prostate like a button is an entirely different matter, haha. Hope that cleared things up
You watched loads and loads of pornography and have never masturbated...
Who would compulsively watch pornography, get aroused, and just sit there?
hmm
I really don't believe that.
Perhaps you've translated what you're trying to get across incorrectly again.
Children fondle themselves while in the womb of their mothers!
Now i have also read about the Ashubha practice of meditation, in which we arouse the disgusting aspect of the body to reduce lust, but the problem is how to fully do it because i have a wife and if i start seeing only the disgusting aspect of the body, the same will be happening in case of my wife, then later if my wife desires to have sex with me, how will i be able to have sex with her at that stage if i only saw the disgusting aspect of the body. Seems like the problem is complicated from many directions.
You need professional intervention with this issue. Your views on sex are warped and unhealthy and that's the long and short of it. See a sex therapist, a couples counsellor or even just a therapist for yourself.
Not that that really sways the hard to believe factor any for me because male humans are male humans.
There are people who practice Bramacharya and the like, probably quite a few in India, where dropping any bit of semen is unacceptable. Nocturnal emissions are looked at as just as bad too from that viewpoint.
It is a very rigid belief structure, wherein it isn't far off from saying don't look at women at all.
So I am curious as to what kind of beliefs you were raised with in regards to the spilling of semen? And why you abstained from ejaculating while watching the pornography?
The Ashubha practice of meditation you type about isn't going to make you think that your wife is disgusting.
It is mental training to counter lust/attachment to the body which isn't really something all that worth fueling especially if it is aimed at people other than ones own wife.
As you go about your day and you see an "attractive" lady, just notice the impermanence of her body, look at your own body and see it falling apart.
The classic recommendation for lust is to think about the disadvantages of the action you lust for, or make some unsavory characteristic of the object of lust the object of attention. You can meditate on a woman's lower intestine in the same way that you meditate on an image of the Buddha or the breath. It is pretty destructive to lustful emotions. Along the same lines, you might also find this poem from the tipitaka useful.
Well, if i have frequent encounters with my wife, then i think this nightfall problem will be reduced, as i think the body needs time to manufacture semens in it. But the point will be lost - as i will be having encounters with my wife with protection to avoid another baby - so my semens will still be wasted. What i want is to not to discharge semens too often.
Till i struck spirituality in last year, i was not worried about this nightfall problem. But these days, i am getting worried about it slightly - as i have read somewhere that to progress in the spiritual path, the energy of the body needs to be saved and semens contain a lot of energy. Because of the discharge of semens in my nightfalls for so long period, my body is slightly weak (though not too weak). While i was taking beer/wine along with non-veg food till last year, i was able to grow some fat in my body - but since last year, i have left both beer/alcoholic drinks and left eating non-veg food, those fats have reduced in my body - this is not to say my body is too weak, but it is also not strong. My age is 31years and my current body weight of nearly 50 kg indicates the weakness in my body. So i want to reduce this discharging of semens from my body.
I think you need to educate yourself some more on this topic mate. You have some very strange ideas.