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Sooo I told my mother off pretty harshly earlier today.
Zayl
Veteran
Just as the title says. We got into discussing the Election (big mistake I know, to ever discuss politics) And I mean... she was so blatantly racist, it was disturbing. She never called Obama by name, always calling him "Monkey" or "Nigger" And she said that Obama was probably going to win because of all the "Stupid niggers going to vote." and I mean, I just snapped. I was having a bit of a nic fit, but to me she just crossed a line and in a temporary moment, I failed in my efforts to maintain proper speech and action. I told her that she should be racist on her own fucking time, and then I told her to get away from me, that I didn't want to be around someone like her right now.
I am planning to apologize, I'm just piecing together the words. But I mean... I feel it was a righteous anger, she seemed to be taken aback by what I had said. So I am hoping that the sudden jarring I gave her might cause her to re-think her positions on race. Because in my eyes, there is only one race, the Human Race. And you don't even want me to repeat what she thinks about gay marriage or gays in general. In fact, I couldn't bring myself to type it out, out of principle. It took all my might to muster the courage to say the N word on here, if only in a quote.
I just don't know. Do you think I was right in saying something, anything at all to her? Should I have not been so harsh? to be clear I did raise my voice.
I am planning to apologize, I'm just piecing together the words. But I mean... I feel it was a righteous anger, she seemed to be taken aback by what I had said. So I am hoping that the sudden jarring I gave her might cause her to re-think her positions on race. Because in my eyes, there is only one race, the Human Race. And you don't even want me to repeat what she thinks about gay marriage or gays in general. In fact, I couldn't bring myself to type it out, out of principle. It took all my might to muster the courage to say the N word on here, if only in a quote.
I just don't know. Do you think I was right in saying something, anything at all to her? Should I have not been so harsh? to be clear I did raise my voice.
2
Comments
Parents may be ignorant, racist, homophobic and non-buddhist. Both my parents were anti-semitic. One was even Catholic. That is our world.
One of the biggest things to do is apologise even in the face of righteous anger. It took a long time for my mother to comprehend her racism. Occasionally she slips into stereo typing and I am still angered . . .
It can come as quite a shock that others have not had the opportunities for introspection we have. Hate and ignorance is something we have to be compassionate towards but not get angry? Let us say we may develop more equanimity but it will never be easy except for those who have flattened out their emotions into skilful means . . .
And this idea that politics and religion shouldn't be discussed...nonsense.
I would be interested to hear an argument that criticises you for standing up against prejudice and your attempt to pass on your realisation.
Anger is anger - it has an effect on you and the recipient - doesn't sound like you are content with this effect (either on you or your mother) - so I guess, you should try to understand your response and consider this for next time - whether or not it jarred her to reconsider may not (and it doesnt sound like it does) negate the effects of anger in the equation - you may be able to achieve the result you seek without the effects that you do not seek.
Whether you can ever change your mum's relationship to reality is another thing.
You're a hero in my eyes for saying something, anything - I feel for you in that it has created issues that you would otherwise have not faced - I hope that both you and your mother are able to resolve the issue.
It upsets you when the mother you love spews racist language in a conversation with you. It should upset you. It makes your mother sound and look ugly to most people in the world. She needs to be told that. She needs to learn that this sort of thing is not socially acceptable anymore and that hurtful speech has consequences. So ask her not to talk like that around you anymore, as a favor to you. When she slips and launches into another rant, interrupt and ask her not to talk like that around you and if she refuses, leave.
Right speech means also standing up for those who are under attack instead of remaining silent. She knows using this sort of language is rude and vulgar. The rude people of the world count on other folks being timid or embarassed.
That doesn't mean stop loving your mother or showing how much you care for her. She's someone with a bad habit, not a bad person. Somewhere in life she learned to behave this way, and she can unlearn it. At the least, you have the right not to be subjected to it, even by your own parents.
And conversations do work. My mom is a Catholic who 2 years ago would have voted a straight conservative ticket. Now she is speaking out (slowly and tentatively) in favor of equal rights and that believing in God doesn't mean cowtowing to religious talking heads. Change happens, and it happens through these conversations.
Why do you think you were angry at your moms racism, instead of just being sad for her state of suffering?
Are there any skillful means on your part or ways to interact with her that might better demonstrate the worth of compassion, empathy, sympathy, tenderness or love?
I assume you knew she was racist to begin with, what did you expect? Perhaps you were bating her . Any one who uses such language (except , of coarse if you are black , which is another can of worms in my opinion) and uses it regularly is to be avoided. Since she is you mother and not avoidable so to speak you must certainly learn to avoid the topic. I am sure you saw it coming. Or, maybe you are very young . In that case, learn from your mistake.
Now was using the language that you used the most effective way to deal with your mother, or could you have made your point better? I don't know, since I don't know your mom. I don't think you need to apologize exactly, but perhaps you can use this as an opportunity to start a more useful dialogue with her. Speaking only for myself and my experiences, sometimes avoiding topics isn't possible. For instance, I have very strong political view points, and knowing this I try to avoid political discussions in the workplace. However, that doesn't mean that coworkers honor that when I tell them I don't want to talk about it. At my last job I told the one guy I was stuck in a room with all day that I didn't want to talk about it (and I said it numerous times), and that did not stop him for a moment. In the poster's case, I don't know who started the conversation or how easy or not it is to avoid such a conversation, but I would hesitate to lay too much blame for the disagreement taking place -- at least not without knowing more of the facts.
Also, if someone says something truly awful (racist, homophobic, etc), the people around them should say something. Not saying anything allows such thinking and behavior to continue. Some beliefs do need to be challenged. That said, there are ways to do that that are more appropriate and effective than others.
Sometimes it's best to be genuine, rather than intellectualizing everything. Time will tell what kind of fruit your action will bear. Give us an update when the time comes.
Even when a student starts insulting the monk during class, even to the point of raising their voice in anger* the monk remains compassionate and gentle and does not get involved with arguments.
When a student responds to a teaching by speaking up and saying "That's not true", or "That is wrong", or "This is how it is ....", the teacher listens without interrupting, and when the student is done, the teacher gently says, "I'll have to think about that", or "You might be right", or some other non-confrontatious response.
When a student starts boasting about something they have experienced and then asks the teacher if this is "good" ... the teacher looks at them with such gentle kindness and says "yes" .. even when it's something that they told us last week to try to avoid. They never correct the student ... at least, never in front of the other students, as far as I have seen.
They never confront. They treat all beings with respect, as if they were their kindest of kind mother, to whom they owe a huge debt of gratitude.
In all ways, they are our role models. They show us that we are not responsible for teaching others how to be "proper" or "correct". That our responsibility is to enlighten ourselves, and then help others who ask for help to attain enlightenment.
Yes, I can see the teachers turning the other cheek.
If you have not been exposed to these life-long monks raised in the dharma, I suggest you start taking teachings from them. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a living role-model is worth a million.
Note* I have only seen one person yell at a monk. The monk was teaching about compassion and about viewing all others as our kind mother. One person in the audience stood up and asked how one could see others as a kind mother, if they had been raised in foster homes and had never known what a kind mother is like. As he talked about his life, he became angrier and angrier and more and more personally insulting to the monk ... you could hear the pain behind his anger cracking his voice. It was so sad ... and that is how the monk responded; as if it was terribly sad.
this is the model, the paradigm:
Eight Verses for Training the Mind
by Langri Thangpa
With a determination to accomplish
The highest welfare for all sentient beings
Who surpass even a wish-granting jewel
I will learn to hold them supremely dear.
Whenever I associate with others I will learn
To think of myself as the lowest among all
And respectfully hold others to be supreme
From the very depths of my heart.
In all actions I will learn to search into my mind
And as soon as an afflictive emotion arises
Endangering myself and others
Will firmly face and avert it.
I will learn to cherish beings of bad nature
And those oppressed by strong sins and suffering
As if I had found a precious
Treasure very difficult to find.
When others out of jealousy treat me badly
With abuse, slander, and so on,
I will learn to take on all loss,
And offer victory to them.
When one whom I have benefited with great hope
Unreasonably hurts me very badly,
I will learn to view that person
As an excellent spiritual guide.
In short, I will learn to offer to everyone without exception
All help and happiness directly and indirectly
And respectfully take upon myself
All harm and suffering of my mothers.
I will learn to keep all these practices
Undefiled by the stains of the eight worldly conceptions
And by understanding all phenomena as like illusions
Be released from the bondage of attachment.
http://www.khandro.net/practice_8verses.htm
and, with commentary:
http://www.dalailama.com/teachings/training-the-mind
I'm curious to learn how things worked out for the OP.
If there is anything to apologise about it is for losing your wick, not for voicing your disapproval of her racist views. I've noticed when I raise my voice and speak harshly the situation escalates and everybody stops listening... they just hear the shouting... not good when you're trying to get a point across. So you can say sorry for the anger and calmly tell her how offensive her beliefs are.
But she probably needed to hear something like what you said.
Can we do it? Or are we and others going to burn?
It's a fine line to walk!
I guess I am very fortunate to have found good teachers. These teachers are all older Asian monks (Several Tibetan and one Sri Lankan), and perhaps it is the culture they have come from or perhaps it is their length of time practicing, or their dedication ... or whatever???