Mania and the five indiryas a personal account

Jeffrey

Trying to use advanced idea of indiryas to understand mania....as a high level programming language (like in computers) to understand a mental state of raw experience..


I'm trying to figure out what happens to me..

I get a strong prajna and things in my life seems like I have always been ok and always will be. Like when I read old mails and see the heart in them. But then here is what I think: I have prajna, too much and I have to get more.
But then here is what is really happening: the initial prajna is sort of consumed and I am left scrambling...

My sradda is confounded by the lack of prajna and I am scrambling more and more. My virya is scrambling to light a fire and I am forcing little makyo insights like thinking of a square:

Big Fish Little Pond xx xx MEdIuM FisH Big Pond
xxxxxxxx

Little Pond Big Fishxxx xxx ????

Anyhow I am not really thinking of that, but I was and my mind is churning out bullshit trying to get that prajna back...



I am trying to find out how to beat it and I think I have to let go... smirti! And let go....
From that place of peace (samadhi) it comes down to earth..

But I still think habitually that I need to pump up the prajna/insight because I have seen how beautiful I was in the e-mails (just one example... basically virya shoots through the roof when makyo/insight comes). It is like a huge ego trying to scramble back up and keep the high going. I put on music of my ex. Restless..

But I think I am figuring out that the genius of prajna doesn't need to keep heaping on....

There is already enough prajna in the world and I just have to detox.


GLOSSARY
prajna - insight
sradda - faith going into the insight and sustaining
smirti - mindfulness openness
samadhi - meditation
virya - joy

prajna + sradda = sensitive
smirti = openness
samadhi + virya = clarity

makyo = mixture of insight phenomena (sense and thoughts) and delusion/ego

lobster

:clap:

In alchemy we call this 'coagulate and dissolve'. In Sufism it is known as ' intoxication and Sobriety'.

I will send out my good friends the astral dolphins . . . they swim through rainbows and never miss a chance to click.

OM YA HA HUM -[releases the endo dolphins into the ocean . . . .]

Vastmind

I didn't need the/a glossary until this.....

"I put on music of my ex. Restless.."

Insight meditation and music, I have heard of...
But ex music? What is that?

Jeffrey

I'm not meditating Vastminds.. The samadhi/meditation as used in the indiryas is always with us. Every moment.

ex music is sanskrit for music that reminds me of an old flame

I think it is to feel something. I know why people cut themselves. Cutters. It is a way to get a feeling somehow. For me now I don't need to do that. And I have never cut aside from one time with a butter knife, but I got a lot of feeling from the adrenaline of panic and I didn't need to get a sharper knife.

But this is a missing piece of the puzzle? Was I wounded in my relationship and I am reverting?

Vastmind

lololol I know...just trying to lay a foundation for understanding
on my part. So are you playing the music in another frame
of mind then? As far as not formal meditating...but..just the
constant exposure to yourself..what is
your purpose for playing the ex music?
What is the link between this music and the
raw experience/insight?

Jeffrey

The experience insight is just permeating... like I was hit by it.. I spent the past three days meditating and posting here, meditation in the pauses haha

I think that it produced a VAM of strong focused experience which played out as an intoxicant in some ways.

I think I need to lay it out in a narrative to help us along. I had an average day. I went to coffee with my dad. I have a history of psychosis and mania. Chemical imblances

So still an average day and then I sort of got high smoking a cigar, but that wasn't the producer of the high entirely. It was just my biochemistry and I smoked to... catch the wind?? Yes I smoked to get high. But my mind was already going into an expansive state.

So this raw experience is just an overactive mind hanging out on the net.

And then I framed bare bones what I thought is happening in a manic state (hypo- almost) because I have been studying the indiryas for six years though I didn't always know it.

But the narrative in my first post is a theory about what is out of step with my mind when I was feeling manic.

My strategy worked and I like lobsters idea of intoxication/coagulation... versus sobriety/dissolution..

That hit me ^^ as a calming point. VAM... just like the prior elevating VAM


Does that make sense? It may not ring a bell. Have you heard of the indiryas? Have you known anyone bipolar?

And now I am listening to liturgy. Lama-la chapsu che o Sanjay-la chapsu che o cho-la chapsu che o genduna chapsu che o (refuge to the triple gem)

Vastmind

Wounded? Hell yes!
What makes you any special?
Go bring me a cookie from a house that has never
experienced heart-ache.

Contrary to fish stories,
the biggest thing on a man is his ego...when shit goes
down in a relationship....it's a hard fall.

It's hard to fall and try to feel things too...
The numbness has it's place, imo.
Is that where the insight might come in?

Jeffrey

No the hardest thing is his heart and that needs softening. The ego is just a clod of dirt on his coat. Trust me.

Vastmind

Ok, I'll trust you.....If you trust me that butter spreaders and
trying to manifest form/physical feelings are not the best fishing
lure.
Softening comes in other ways. You may be numb
to that insight....but it's still there. I read your posts.

Jeffrey

Who would bite a fishing lure? I have hot tea. :coffee:

Vastmind

hold on....we are typing over...I have to go back and read lolololol

Jeffrey

No the ex music was just scrambling. I am not trying to get ex back. Just trying to get high by remembering the feeling. Nothing had anything to do with the ex other than SCRAMBLING to doctor my mood.

Vastmind

Ok...yes, the bipolar explains a little more to me.
I have experience with 2 co-workers I have known for
12-13 years. I can offer compassion because the roller
coaster ride looks hard. One is hospitilized very often, in fact.
I take her flowers from my garden (wrapped in paper).

That being said...I will/can only offer the same thing(s)
to you that I do to them. My little insight on trying to
make it through this lifetime. When you ask.
Since break-ups can be a trigger for a coaster turn,
you might have to ride it out. Do you normally handle
triggers in other ways?

High of what? The feeling of what?

Vastmind

Your going to get me dinged for off topic/catagory....
My insight/experience is no 'Advanced Idea'. hahaha
I'm also not using high level programming language...:)

lobster

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indriya
Mania is one of my hobbies, however I only indulge when in the presence of the rock steady crew . . .
Stabilisations such as walking, mindful gardening and cleaning, all help.
Recognise the element and its antidote.