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Meditating on an issue that's been causing me worry
Hey people, my names Chris and I'm finally taking the plunge and willing to throw myself at mindfulness and meditation.
Yesterday I had a go at meditating after limited reading and come the end of it I felt I achieved something. I wanted to type out my experience, however, to see if I'm on the right track, so to speak.
To begin with, I've suffered from anxiety in the past and for the last few days I've been especially anxious as I stumbled upon an old internet posting I made back in 2008 at age 18, which I can only presume I made while drunk, given I can't recall it. I've been anxious because the post is very vulgar and violent and has within it my house address, as I argue with an equally angry and idiotic kid about something or nothing. Very embarrassing, not least because if my employer or a potential future employer stumbled upon it, it doesn't paint the most flattering of pictures.
With that being on my mind, I considered it a good starting point for a meditation and I tried to inspect the anxiety, have an analytical look at it and see if I could reach some realisation and rid myself of the worry.
I then remembered times, much further back, in which I had racist opinions on Pakistani people(sort of a British thing). Some of those opinions were expressed online and could be found and used against me, but in stark contrast I'm not worried one bit about that.
So again I'm looking at why to one scenario I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and fear of discover, with the other I couldn't be less concerned if I tried. I wasn't sure to make this thread because of how I might look, but I have no qualms telling people in conversation that I was once racist. I think what I realised is that I know within myself today that I'm anything but racist, that previous statements on the subject made as a 15 year old couldn't be further from the truth for me now. If my employer were to find them, I could explain to him that I was a dumb kid, blah blah, now I'm not, blah blah. There's no relevancy, I've grown up beyond that.
The comment I've been worrying about is different, it's a drunken threat of physical violence and after looking at it I think I realised why that's a worry. Because by contrast, despite being old, it's reflective of negative characteristics I still have, it's not so much a revelation of who I was but who I still am to a large degree today. Under no circumstances could I get drunk and make racist comments today(because those traits are no longer true of me), but I very well could get drunk and become violent, the violent and abusive messages in question I could have made last month with enough beer. One is an expose of a still-true, ugly character flaw that I'd rather keep hidden, the other is truly past tense. A metaphor could be a fresh wound and an old scar, the scar you scratch and there is no pain because it's healed, the fresh wound obviously not.
With that, I think the way to address the anxiety in one respect is to put distance between that person and me. Just as there's distance between that young racist and me. To address the cancerous anger that I do have and address the drinking(surprisingly easier to do). When I do that, I don't think I'll have any real concerns that someone will stumble across the offending post in question, because at that time it will be a look at somebody that I was rather than somebody that I am, the sense of guilt and need to lie won't exist.
I had a sense of relief when I thought this through, I managed to sleep shortly afterwards without negative, racing, anxious thoughts on the topic. But I'm still new and wanted to write down the experience to see what you all think, on whether I was meditating correctly and whether the reasoning and conclusions sound reasonable?
Arguably not the most endearing of introductory posts : ) If anyone has anything to add, please do.
Yesterday I had a go at meditating after limited reading and come the end of it I felt I achieved something. I wanted to type out my experience, however, to see if I'm on the right track, so to speak.
To begin with, I've suffered from anxiety in the past and for the last few days I've been especially anxious as I stumbled upon an old internet posting I made back in 2008 at age 18, which I can only presume I made while drunk, given I can't recall it. I've been anxious because the post is very vulgar and violent and has within it my house address, as I argue with an equally angry and idiotic kid about something or nothing. Very embarrassing, not least because if my employer or a potential future employer stumbled upon it, it doesn't paint the most flattering of pictures.
With that being on my mind, I considered it a good starting point for a meditation and I tried to inspect the anxiety, have an analytical look at it and see if I could reach some realisation and rid myself of the worry.
I then remembered times, much further back, in which I had racist opinions on Pakistani people(sort of a British thing). Some of those opinions were expressed online and could be found and used against me, but in stark contrast I'm not worried one bit about that.
So again I'm looking at why to one scenario I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and fear of discover, with the other I couldn't be less concerned if I tried. I wasn't sure to make this thread because of how I might look, but I have no qualms telling people in conversation that I was once racist. I think what I realised is that I know within myself today that I'm anything but racist, that previous statements on the subject made as a 15 year old couldn't be further from the truth for me now. If my employer were to find them, I could explain to him that I was a dumb kid, blah blah, now I'm not, blah blah. There's no relevancy, I've grown up beyond that.
The comment I've been worrying about is different, it's a drunken threat of physical violence and after looking at it I think I realised why that's a worry. Because by contrast, despite being old, it's reflective of negative characteristics I still have, it's not so much a revelation of who I was but who I still am to a large degree today. Under no circumstances could I get drunk and make racist comments today(because those traits are no longer true of me), but I very well could get drunk and become violent, the violent and abusive messages in question I could have made last month with enough beer. One is an expose of a still-true, ugly character flaw that I'd rather keep hidden, the other is truly past tense. A metaphor could be a fresh wound and an old scar, the scar you scratch and there is no pain because it's healed, the fresh wound obviously not.
With that, I think the way to address the anxiety in one respect is to put distance between that person and me. Just as there's distance between that young racist and me. To address the cancerous anger that I do have and address the drinking(surprisingly easier to do). When I do that, I don't think I'll have any real concerns that someone will stumble across the offending post in question, because at that time it will be a look at somebody that I was rather than somebody that I am, the sense of guilt and need to lie won't exist.
I had a sense of relief when I thought this through, I managed to sleep shortly afterwards without negative, racing, anxious thoughts on the topic. But I'm still new and wanted to write down the experience to see what you all think, on whether I was meditating correctly and whether the reasoning and conclusions sound reasonable?
Arguably not the most endearing of introductory posts : ) If anyone has anything to add, please do.
2
Comments
One: sticking to the basics - like in this case “right speech” - is important, also for our meditation. Meditation can be deeper if this kind of worries is off your mind. I know how it feels; I’ve had some pretty embarrassing things to chew on when I started meditating.
Two: believe in karma if that helps. I mean; maybe it helps if you convince yourself that you will absolutely have to pay the prize for what you said. If it is inevitable there’s no need to worry about it any longer. Freedom as “just another word for nothing left to lose”
Three: you’re doing great. Practice is wonderful and it is exactly about what you’re doing right now; facing the problems head on.
And welcome.
By being honest and acknowledging faults we recognise ourselves and the area we need to work on. The idea of 'no where to go, nothing to change' is a platitude. In fact we all have a need for polishing as well as a momentary acceptance . . .
Bravo.
Lobster e-mailed me once, and threatened
to kick my ass. He said I was ...quote...'just a chick made
of unicorn poop'. Thats some harsh stuff.
He assured me immediatly, that he
felt just terrible about the whole incident, and
that I should charge it to his head....
not his heart.
Well....once he took responsability and said he
would not do that again, a forgiving crab,
I became. Afterall, the situation must
present itself for learning to swim.
I also sat in the sand to watch,
if in fact, he had learned his lesson.
Well...the end of this little story is clear
to see by his posts....
He is one big softy, and when he talks or
deals with me now......
Starfish, seahorses, shrmp, and crab
gather to get some of the love.
lololololololol
But I hugely enjoyed reading your post - I'm a Geordie btw - and my only suggestion is to keep meditating; keep it small to begin with and don't over complicate it, otherwise - if you're anything like me (and you sound a bit like me) - you'll get hacked off with it and pack it all in.
We didn't even have a face before we were born.
Through karma and the arising of the conditions of our existence
we were lotus born . . . or not . . .
Now in this kingdom there lived many fantastical creations
of the imagination; Buddhas, hungry ghosts, garudas, dragons
and other fears now passed . . .
Was everyone asleep and enchanted?
Would the prince find the princess?
Then as if by magic they awoke . . .
. . . and they all lived happily ever after . . . :clap:
It's like when you cut down a tree, if the roots are still there, there will be new growth of the tree. In our case, (human beings) the issue will regrow.
Meditation is a great way to calm our mind and also investigate it. Little by little. Don't go full bore at it.
Also you mentioned being drunk at the time of that posting you reread.
Being an alcoholic in recovery, I find that many of my violent/mean actions/reactions don't raise their ugly head very often. And through meditation and study I've been able to 'uproot' many of those actions.
Stick with it and watch yourself grow.