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Buddhism - Family duty?
Very quick question.
My sister, her chosen life (the man she decided to be with) is a very negative thing for me. He treats her badly, as well as our parents, and it very selfish, and outright horrid human being.
My sister will not listen to reason, and thinks we are all the "bad guys"
How would you deal with this? She incited negativity in me, anger etc etc. Should i completely cut her off and thus removing that negitivity from my life, or do i have a duty towards her as she is my family?
My sister, her chosen life (the man she decided to be with) is a very negative thing for me. He treats her badly, as well as our parents, and it very selfish, and outright horrid human being.
My sister will not listen to reason, and thinks we are all the "bad guys"
How would you deal with this? She incited negativity in me, anger etc etc. Should i completely cut her off and thus removing that negitivity from my life, or do i have a duty towards her as she is my family?
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Comments
Your sister and/or her partner cannot make you feel any certain way. Your emotions and your reactions are always your choice and your responsibility.
I don't think anyone can really tell you what is the right thing to do. But there are things to consider. If you cut her off completely, and 5 years from now she realizes her partner is not good for her and leaves him, will she have somewhere to go within your family? Will you not care if she has somewhere to go?
Sometimes, you have to let go. But it is possible to let go and still make it clear the support and love is there if she chooses to accept it. The hardest thing when I think about if I were in that situation with my own sister, would be to think I shut her out and then to have her feel she had no where to go if she needed it. I would want her to know that even though I do not agree with her life choices right now, and to protect myself/my family I cannot continue to subject myself to her bad choices...that she would have a place to come if she needed to.
Another thing to remember is all people and situations are teachers. My ex, who is dead now, was not a good partner for me most of the time. I spent 14 years with him. But he was never a bad person, never mean or intentionally hurtful towards me or my family. But my family disagree with my being with him. When it was finally over, I was thankful to have their support to lean on and put my life back together, even though they certainly didn't owe it to me to stand with me through all those years. I'm sure it was very hard for them. But it was a learning process I needed to go through.
It was somewhat similar with my sister. Even when in her late teens she decided to be separate from the rest of the family. My mother constantly struggled to bring her into the family, but it never worked and only caused my mother endless heartache. And I do mean endless. On the other hand, my position was that her decision to remain separate 95% of the time was fine. On those rare occasions when she wanted to be included, fine. But for her to be fully accepted back required 2 things -- be drug free and alcohol free. She never accomplished that, and in fact, never made an effort to. She died in her early 50s...pretty much alone...just the way she wanted.
Relationships are not.
Do what you think is best for now,
for your own sanity.
My situation is similar to vinlyn's.
I have 4 brothers; 2 older and 2 younger than I am. My eldest brother is pretty much a first-class dipstick. I don't know why, but he is so different from the rest of us (siblings, parents, cousins, etc) that we often joke he's "from another reality" or "born on Pluto"...
He tends to be a racist, he's certainly a bigot, he spent 28 yrs in his first marriage being verbally and emotionally abusive to my sister-in-law and their children.
Much of this went on behind closed doors, because like I said, he is VERY different in personality and politics from the rest of us, that he knew he'd catch a load of shit from us all - if we knew what was REALLY going on. However, we all had our suspicions. Some of us (me) a lot more than others.
But rarely did we intervene or confront him for being such a negative, abusive ahole, mostly because my mother was always asking us -collectively or individually- to "leave it alone" and "let it go- please...for the sake of family Peace..."
Obviously she's not into confrontations or the aftermath of them; which would mean my brother wouldn't speak to her for weeks/months at a time if she didn't "take his side" when these things came up. Like I said; he was very emotionally manipulative and abusive.
Anyway, long long story a little shorter...
For several years none of us spoke to my brother because he let it be known he wanted nothing to do with us (after a particularly fevered argument between him and another brother). But eventually, after a few years of silence, our relationship with him evolved into one of very cool civility.
We let it be known to my parents that each of us would decide if and when we could endure his presence at family events, etc, BUT that we wanted to be free to decide not to attend, knowing he was also going to be there.
None of us would demand or expect my parents to ignore him or deny him invitations or whatever.... but there was to be no guilt trips, or emotional BS when it came to each of the rest of us deciding to attend or not.
This worked out just fine for more than 14 years!
See, my eldest brother being the dipstick that he is, and never letting go of grudges himself- still didn't want to be around US anyway, so 98 times out of 100 he would give an excuse and not be there for family parties or events, etc.
And guess what? We were all fine with that.
But now my parents are elderly (my dad is 90 and my mom is 83), and more and more my E. brother has been around when they've been sick, or there's been some other big event in the family-
However, he is treated civilly. We say "Hello C... how are you?" when we meet, and we say "Bye, take it easy" when he/we leave.
In between that time there's plenty of other people to mingle with, laugh with and hang out with. My parents are satisfied because we have been civil - and life goes on.
So my advice is to remain civil, remain balanced, don't try to force or expect anyone else in the family to handle things your way, either, and hopefully your sister will do what is best for her own life down the road.
You can't control others, you can only control your own reactions - by offering compassion and civility to the situation.
How do you think you'd feel about her criticizing the love of your life?
I hate to break it to you but You are the bad guys.
Empathy, sympathy, tenderness, compassion & love would be better gifts
to offer instead of worrying about being duty bound to treat her respectfully.
Family connections are some of the strongest attachments to deal with but
what better testing ground could you find for a meditation practise.
I'll stay out of second guessing whether a family criticizing another family member would have changed any outcome for the better...
But
Criticism and the threat of a family shunning usually only empowers the outside abuser by isolating the victim from the support she needs.
Not much help for the one who needs it.
The only criticism that would be of help would have to arrive as skillful means but that's a tall order within a family of entwined identities.
There are more effective means of support for us lesser mortals.
I am still not sure why one family member showing empathy, sympathy, tenderness, compassion & love to another member instead of shunning them, would have put them in harms way. It also doesn't stand in the way of an intervention if that was needed.
Your sister will listen to reason - she may not however accept your reasoning which leads to your conclusion - if you sought her conclusion then perhaps you would eventually be let into what her reasoning is.
I would let her get on with it - who she's with doesnt change the fact that she is your sister - whether her life is going the way that you consider best doesnt change that she is your sister - nothing seems to change that... so be her brother and let her be your sister - nothing more or less.
My sister is one of the laziest people I have ever known in my life. She dropped out of high school one month before graduating. Even though she earned her GED, she has never had a job that lasted for more than a couple of days. She has 6 children by 4 different men and lost custody of 5 of them due to legal issues. She and all of her children are currently living with my parents in their small house (she was evicted after her legal issues) and my parents are stressed financially and emotionally. Her latest boyfriend (the one who fathered her sixth child) is not allowed at the house, due to reasons I have yet to find out, and she is already looking at the new next door neighbor.
My dad was an alcoholic for most of his life, as well as mine. He spoiled me and showered me with money and gifts as a child, but he also was emotionally, and sometimes physically, abusive. I guess in his mind, him spoiling me gave him "permission" to be an asshole. He no longer drinks, which I do applaud, and he seems to be trying to build a new relationship, but I don't think 3 years after 19 of abuse is enough to really fix anything.
My mom is someone who made a lot of mistakes in her life, but I still love her the most. However, the older she gets, the less I think she cares. She seems to be using her faith as a means of not actively doing anything. After all, why bother when God wil take of it?
Here is my point: we may love our families, but all we can realistically do and try and guide them into a good direction. I've spoken to my family about various concerns, but I can't force my sister to get a job and straighten her life out, my Dad to stop naively thinking that he didn't have a relatively negative impact on my early life or my Mom to stop being scared and to stop expecting God to take care of everything. The same goes for your sister. You can guide her into to the direction you feel is right, but ultimately, the choice to change is hers and hers alone. And, unfortunately, that is something that can't be forced.