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My Weird Journey
nenkohai
Veteran
Probably a familiar story you've heard from other folks. I landed (if you will) in Buddhism owing to desperately wanting to break out of the samsara of depression. Last summer (2012) I made some very unskillful decisions and actions that lead myself and other people whom I love through massive suffering. I would even characterize it as "hell."
Having dealt with and (only sometimes successfully) managed depression through my entire adult life (I am 49), when I made this unskilled decision, my emotional and spiritual self imploded.
My spiritual life up to this point aside, the only thing I knew was that this HAD to stop. This cycle of pain within me must end because it affects everyone I come into contact with. I was polluted. And I was spewing pollution on to others.
Up to then, my spiritual-self had always been a work in progress. I was raised Christian in a United Methodist Church and believed myself "born again." Passed through a phase of religious conservative thought and then began to find massive disconnects within Christian doctrine versus the concepts of Love... which has lead me down a path of believing that the Bible has been manipulated in some fashion... which lead me to explore Islam. I then looked at Islamic Sufism; then the Sufism International group. Which then lead me to a time of non-identifying with any spiritual group.
Then I started taking classes in taiko drumming for the fun of it. Taiko is used in some Shinto and Buddhist ritual... which I explored. It became a fascination. Impermanence was exemplified in taiko...
Then my implosion.
Under the care of three separate therapists... journaling my heart out... praying... crying. Lots of crying. I only really knew that this shit MUST stop.
Then I hit into Noah Levine's talks on the internet. His lecture on the USC campus gave me great pause. Oh yea, man, I know suffering. What? "Happiness is NOT a birthright?" What, what, what... how... why... so I read read read, reintroduce myself to a meditation practice (having taken a class years ago), dharma... forgiveness... analysing habitual responses... retraining... retraining... and ALL that continues today, of course.
What Christianity (or any form of Sufism) was unable to give me - a specific path to reducing and even ending my suffering - Buddhism has as a central tenant. Then, whats more? Liberate yourself... then go liberate others! Loving kindness to every living thing.
This is what I know - what works for me. Meanwhile, my dharma-practice grows. I'm interested in finding a physical sangha.
That's my story, pretty much. I'm sticking by it
Peace to you all
Having dealt with and (only sometimes successfully) managed depression through my entire adult life (I am 49), when I made this unskilled decision, my emotional and spiritual self imploded.
My spiritual life up to this point aside, the only thing I knew was that this HAD to stop. This cycle of pain within me must end because it affects everyone I come into contact with. I was polluted. And I was spewing pollution on to others.
Up to then, my spiritual-self had always been a work in progress. I was raised Christian in a United Methodist Church and believed myself "born again." Passed through a phase of religious conservative thought and then began to find massive disconnects within Christian doctrine versus the concepts of Love... which has lead me down a path of believing that the Bible has been manipulated in some fashion... which lead me to explore Islam. I then looked at Islamic Sufism; then the Sufism International group. Which then lead me to a time of non-identifying with any spiritual group.
Then I started taking classes in taiko drumming for the fun of it. Taiko is used in some Shinto and Buddhist ritual... which I explored. It became a fascination. Impermanence was exemplified in taiko...
Then my implosion.
Under the care of three separate therapists... journaling my heart out... praying... crying. Lots of crying. I only really knew that this shit MUST stop.
Then I hit into Noah Levine's talks on the internet. His lecture on the USC campus gave me great pause. Oh yea, man, I know suffering. What? "Happiness is NOT a birthright?" What, what, what... how... why... so I read read read, reintroduce myself to a meditation practice (having taken a class years ago), dharma... forgiveness... analysing habitual responses... retraining... retraining... and ALL that continues today, of course.
What Christianity (or any form of Sufism) was unable to give me - a specific path to reducing and even ending my suffering - Buddhism has as a central tenant. Then, whats more? Liberate yourself... then go liberate others! Loving kindness to every living thing.
This is what I know - what works for me. Meanwhile, my dharma-practice grows. I'm interested in finding a physical sangha.
That's my story, pretty much. I'm sticking by it
Peace to you all
10
Comments
Thanks for sharing.
Find a practice and practice it.
Best wishes.