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Any books that help over coming anti social behavior? (I find it hard talking/dealing with people)
zenmyste
Veteran
Mainly in work..
I have a job that pays BRILLIANT but i have to deal with customers all day. Talking to them and advising them etc etc... But the problem is, i cant stand people and im very anti social and find it hard...(im in the wrong job really, but it was good money so blagged my way through interview)
But the anti social part puts so much stress in me and when it gets BUSY i almost cannot bare it and i have almost just walked out... Ive wanted to leave so many times but the money stops me...
Is there anything to help me with this?
I guess im after something that deals with "work/stress/socializing" etc etc...
[Things ive tried or do regularly]
1. Meditation (usually in morning in hope it calms me and puts me in the right mood for work etc)
2. I run (again to help with my calmness state)
3. I do try and be compassionate
4. I recite quotes to help me get through the day
5. I write (keeping a journal about how im feeling and how i can improve etc etc)
BUT NOTHING WORKS...
I hate work and i hate people...
(The only last thing i could do is.... QUIT and get another job.. But the money is just too good. And with a family to support i cant really afford to find another job) we are in bad times and lucky to even 'have' a job, let alone a well paid one!
Pls help?
I have a job that pays BRILLIANT but i have to deal with customers all day. Talking to them and advising them etc etc... But the problem is, i cant stand people and im very anti social and find it hard...(im in the wrong job really, but it was good money so blagged my way through interview)
But the anti social part puts so much stress in me and when it gets BUSY i almost cannot bare it and i have almost just walked out... Ive wanted to leave so many times but the money stops me...
Is there anything to help me with this?
I guess im after something that deals with "work/stress/socializing" etc etc...
[Things ive tried or do regularly]
1. Meditation (usually in morning in hope it calms me and puts me in the right mood for work etc)
2. I run (again to help with my calmness state)
3. I do try and be compassionate
4. I recite quotes to help me get through the day
5. I write (keeping a journal about how im feeling and how i can improve etc etc)
BUT NOTHING WORKS...
I hate work and i hate people...
(The only last thing i could do is.... QUIT and get another job.. But the money is just too good. And with a family to support i cant really afford to find another job) we are in bad times and lucky to even 'have' a job, let alone a well paid one!
Pls help?
0
Comments
I'm going to give you the gist: it sounds like you are trying to change, alter, or escape your anxiety. This is not the way to do it. You can look to Buddhism or modern psychology (specifically Exposure Therapy) to see that running away from anxiety is NEVER the answer. Just the opposite is needed, in fact, we are required to actively walk toward our anxiety.
The first step in doing that is being aware of yourself in those moments. So, maybe you can shed some more insight and answer those questions at the top of my post here?
I am damn good at my job. And I LOVE people. I really AM a people person. But my job absolutely sucks because the company sees productivity as money in the till, and not 'looking after your staff.' We've had a new manager drafted in, and she is now cutting everyone's hours because there's too much over-time being done. But with a small complement of staff, that can't be helped. But that's her remit, currently. So we're having our hours - and consequently, our take-home pay - cut to shreds....
If you're in a job you can't stand - you're taking up the position of someone who would love it, and would do it 100 times better than you.
Look for a suitable job which brings you a reasonable salary, but one to which you're suited. Maybe your wife could get a part-time job too, to make up the short-fall?
There's nothing anti-social about you.
You are who you are.
Instead of square-pegging in a round hole, do what works for you.
Find a job you love, even if you have to take a slight cut.
But in my opinion, doing something you hate purely because the money's good, isn't an acceptable reason, really. Particularly when there are people knocking on doors, desperate for work, who can probably do what you do, just as well, if not better.....
Sorry to sound so critical, but I'm just 'getting real' here.
I'm like that, and even when they are people I like, it's exhausting. We spent all weekend with family and while I enjoy their company in small doses, beyond a few hours it's more than I can take. I'll tolerate it out of respect but then I'll come home and disappear on a walk, sit in the bedroom and read, meditate, and sometimes even nap. The weekend was so tiring that I slept for 12 hours. If it goes on for days, I get really, really crabby. So I've learned, that even if it's not always opportune, to take some moments to myself. Sometimes, the only place I can get those moments is to go in the bathroom and lock the door, but so be it, lol. Most people around me, I've explained this too and they realize that even if they don't always want to, it's best to let me have my time, and then I'm better to be around later. Even a few minutes helps.
If it is only your job that you feel that way, it might just be a situation where you have to bide your time until you can find a new job. I don't mean to just leave your job, but perhaps you could polish up your resume and keep your eyes and ears open for opportunities, as thin as they may be. If you aren't looking, you might be missing a job opportunity that is perfect for you. Then you are also holding up a job that is someone else's dream job. With a family of course you cannot just up and leave and hope to find something. But you don't know what's out there unless you look.
In smaller situations at least you can grin and bear it but when it's your job it's that much harder. I feel for you! Try to find smaller moments in your day to claim as yours.
"You are who you are?" How about "With contact as its condition, feeling arises?"
Sorry you're having a tough time in your job, but I don't really see how it relates to the OP's situation.
http://archive.chopra.com/sslos
The right column gives a brief run down of each of his 7 laws. They line up quite well with Buddhist practice. When I was about 19 I read this book for the first time and it blew me away. It wasn't until quite a long time later that I realized I probably should have set foot in the Buddhist path way back then, lol.
And the Area Manager tells me that as far as they can ascertain through financial diagnosis, I have had quite an influence on those figures.
I would give my right arm to be doing a job I really loved AND be paid what I deserve.
That's how it relates.
If he's working his butt off doing something he actually hates doing - and he's probably been like this a long time - then he's not cut out for the job, and no amount of 'personal development' will improve that appreciably.
It's the Peter Principle in action.
@zenmyste, I know how it feels to feel obligated to stick with a job. If you're unwilling to leave, my advice is to give up trying to become less "anti-social." Give up trying to like your job, abandon the agenda of trying to like interacting with these people, and don't attempt to make the work seem any more pleasant to you than it is. Simply allow it to be what it is. Then allow your reaction to it to be exactly as it is. Allow yourself to hate this job. Allow yourself to hate these people.
Once you do that, you may find it's not as bad as you initially thought: the proliferation and snowballing effect of negativity and judgment might become less complicated. You're free of the added burden of having to enjoy this. So long as you are acting ethically and doing your work, that is all that is necessary. You're simply left with tasks to complete, sensations in the body, and thoughts in the mind. Also, you need only deal with this job one moment at a time. Don't burden yourself with any more past or future than is necessary to get the job done.
I would encourage you to start looking for a window out of this situation into a job more suitable to you. You don't have to leave immediately. You can stick around and see if you warm up to it. I have had many a job that I hated at first, but just needed to get used to with time. That may well be the case here. But if, in a few months time, you find this just isn't the right fit, you need to get yourself out of this situation -- as an act of self-defense and of humility.
It's called a job market. If your employer doesn't respect your contribution, take it up with them or find someone else who will respect you. Don't attack a stranger because you think you should have a better job. He has chosen a different set of compromises than you, but they're just different, there's nothing so far to indicate that they're wrong. Many people would praise his courage for challenging himself in this way.
a good book on working with anxiety is the Mindful way through anxiety by
Susan M. Orsillo
Why on earth would he therefore seek qualifications in a sphere of work he loathes?
That would be like me training to be a maths teacher..... I didn't say they didn't respect it. I have achieved internal company recognition. I'm just saying the pay sucks.... and that the bottom line, they put profit before personnel.
The reason he wants to get better at what he does is not some altruistic motive. He wants to keep the job and the salary that goes with it.
Nothing in his post indicates that he wishes to improve in order to gain a better foothold with people.
I'm not attacking anyone.
I'm stating some uncomfortable truths.
he hates work and he hates people.
They may be MY uncomfortable truths, and I may be misguided in my views, but so far, I don't personally think I'm wrong.
@zenmyste Maybe it would be helpful to write out what exactly you do and don't like about the job. Do you really hate the people? Or do you hate that you have to interact with them in ways you don't enjoy? Do you ever meet people you do enjoy? What might make it more enjoyable? I worked in retail for a long time, despite my dislike of constant communication, and I found it was easier when I got to know them on a more personal level, even if they were only in the store for a matter of minutes. People enjoy when you ask them questions about their lives, and they like to talk about themselves, so maybe being able to engage them in another direction would make it less painful? Can you come up with anything else you enjoy about the job, other than the money, and focus on that and building on it?
Is there a list of requirements you have in mind so you can see whether they are realistic expectations?
How many of your current circumstances would need to change in order for you to be more content?
Or you could get another job and then quit - less bumpy transition.
The money may be fabulous but the value to you and your family wouldn't necessary equate strictly pound for pound.
The stress itself is not great for your health.
I also want to make clear that although i want to find help, (for my job) i also want to get help ao i can start having better relationships with people in general. So its not just about my salary (as somebody mentioned above)
I have a problem with/dealing with people/clients/family... (mainly work clients) And i want to sort it out.
I wont state what my job is (or yet at least) but what i will say is i am very good at my job.. And i put on a great front so the clients wont even know how im feeling inside (but its a terrible anxiety feeling) the way they talk, treat me, treat others, dress, their attitude, breathing, hair, (i start hating everything about them) but maybe its because i work from 9am till 8pm, standing up all day, hardly any breaks (because its 'that' busy) we dont get a dinner hour! Its non stop all day, every day!
Im not moaning and groaning just about having to go to 'work'.. Im admitting i have a deeper problem (holding conversations, dealing and being around people)
Anyway, thanks again for all thoughts and advice x
* For those not familiar with ACT, values are defined as that which we find most intrinsically rewarding in this life. They are differentiated from goals, desired personal qualities, and achievements, etc.
I have been through this scenario several times in my life....
But I never stayed there.... Oh, they respect' their staff - internally. They just cannot match that respect with a commensurate salary... and the cost of living generally, is not commensurate with the level of salaries here, generally....it's not a unique problem.
In fact, I don't know anyone who has had a salary rise here in the UK for the past 4 years. Yet the cost of living has most assuredly steadily increrased.
but I digress.
Apologies. Yup.
I really do.
Would I still be here, if I didn't?
I'm just as human as anyone else here, though.
It may be helpful to see if the past is being reawakened unnecessarily in the present. Is your mind anticipating past instances of social rejection? That is often a huge part of social anxiety. It was important for our brains to remember unpleasant experiences (injuries, threats, rejections, etc.) in order to protect us throughout our evolutionary history. The brain is a "Don't Eat Me" machine. Try to see if the thoughts, images, bodily sensations, etc. that are happening to you now are echoes of the past. If this is the case, simply bringing awareness to these things as bodily memories can help free you from their influence enough to learn how to interact with people in new ways.
In addition to the above, I think the work situation you're describing -- being on your feet constantly from morning to night in a very active and busy environment -- would test almost anyone's mettle. In such a situation, I'd suggest practicing self-compassion. Acknowledge that, yes, this is not an easy job. It makes huge demands of you physically and emotionally. And it's okay to admit that it's arduous. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Rest your feet, your voice, and your mind whenever you can. Stretch throughout the day. Wear comfortable shoes. And bring snacks if you can, and sneak them from time to time. Whatever you can get away with to make sure you're taking care of yourself.
But with the deepest respect, I spoke from the heart.
My words were never intended to hurt.
I just get a little animated about some things.
That's all.
And I absolutely adored every minute of it.... I thrived on it....
My boss fired me unfairly, and I eventually won the case against him at the Employment Tribunal.
But I really, really miss that job....
So it would seem, @zenmyste, that in this specific criterion, we are complete polar opposites....
So I'm told.
And I thank all those who are always so supportive.
Admin has faith in me, so I must be doing it right.
Good to know.....
What would be some characteristics of your dream job?
First of all, don't quit your job. Money is an unfortunate necessity in this world, so blind idealism won't help. Second, I am not sure there is any buddhist solution aside from meditation on feelings that come and go. The buddha was more concerned with liberation than he was with solving problems, personal or otherwise.
But there is another solution: pretend. Fake it till you make it. the mind is pliable, it records changes, so by pretending to be nice to people it may someday become real. Bring donuts to the office, crack jokes, smile all the time - even if you hate it, just do it just the same. Soon these things will become normal.
I don't think your feelings are "antisocial" so much as "introverted", and many people are introverted to some extent. Working with people is stressful. The philosopher Sartre said "Hell is other people." But humans are social animals, so unless you go and live in a cave somewhere in the wilderness you are going to have learn to deal with people sooner or later.
I think the solution is to get interested in people, rather than pull away from them. The more interested you become the less stressed you will feel.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I think it just hit a nerve somewhere.
Obviously!!
Apologies from my end too.....
The case will be made available, publicly, on-line at some later point this year. (it was in open public court, and therefore can enter into the public domain). I will be sure to let you know reference then, if you are still interested.
First of all, most of my own anxiety comes from the fact that I feel like I have to swallow my entire personality and be that shining happy android, which is not possible. I've learned that allowing a little of my own personality to shine through, to make honest jokes at times expressing what I'm feeling can SOMETIMES be helpful. People like you even more when you're real with them. Obviously, be careful about which clients you behave this way with because some do want that happy android... but other times people can feel relieved to know that they're interacting with a real person and you can be relieved that you don't have to bottle all of your emotions.
Second of all, when you start to feel that general irritation that creeps into everything about the person... Remember that there is something beautiful about every person. Sometimes it's obvious someone is a kind and great person, sometimes you have to dig a little deeper to look for that beauty. Even the biggest assholes are kind to their mothers, you know. Just try to remember this and it will help you to not taint your entire perception with the big ASSHOLE sign.
The Obstacle is the Path
Posted: 21 May 2013 08:53 AM PDT
By Leo Babauta
Often we’re discouraged because of some tough challenge or obstacle in our way. But a shift in mindset from a Zen proverb can change everything: “The obstacle is the path.”
The obstacle isn’t something standing in our way. It’s the way itself.
That might seem strange, so let’s look at a few examples:
You are struggling with writing, and procrastinate. Procrastination is the symptom, but it also illuminates the path you should take: you are dreading something about the writing, you are shying away from discomfort, you are afraid of the writing or what will happen when you publish the writing. So work with that dread, the discomfort, and the fear. You’ll be stronger for having done that.
You are shy and can’t meet people. This can be seen as an obstacle to social happiness, or as a path for something to work with. Many people will avoid this obstacle of shyness, and instead stay home and not socialize. Instead, go towards this shyness, explore it, find out what you’re afraid of, work with that fear. You’ll get better at handling the fear, even let go of it, and it will no longer stand in your way.
You are stressed out and overwhelmed at work. You can complain about this problem (and it will then continue for the rest of your life), or you can immerse yourself it, let it lead you to self-exploration, and deal with the source of that stress and overwhelm. You’ll learn that you have unrealistic expectations and ideals, learn to let go of them, and the stress will go away. You’ll now have a tool for dealing with stress for the rest of your life.
People criticize you for doing things different, and don’t understand what you’re doing. You can get mad at them, rage against the unfairness of the world, or avoid them. Or, instead, you could embrace this concern, thank them for caring about you, and engage them in a conversation about what you’re going through, why you decided to do it, and how you could use their support. They might not completely understand, but they also might understand you better, which is great. And you’ll now be better at dealing with this forevermore.
You are jealous, angry, weak, impatient, grieving. You can deal with any of these issues, if you are willing to go into them, and be OK with experiencing these discomforts.
The examples can go on forever, but the principle becomes clear: when there’s an obstacle, don’t go around it. Don’t run from it. Go into it. Work with it. Explore it. Learn how to be with it and deal with it, and you’ll have a skill for life.
And what’s more: you will no longer be limited by obstacles in your path.