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What kind of parent are/were you, (or will you be) ?
MaryAnne
Veteran
I think it was @vastmind 's thread (People with no kids don't know....) that made me laugh, and
sit back and think about this today...
I raised three kids; a son and two daughters.
They are all adults now, the youngest (daughter) just turned 30, the middle one (daughter) is 33 and the eldest (son) is 37.
Every now and then we get caught up in discussions about kids; kids in our family, other kids, raising kids, and other dynamics of living in a family as children, and also as adults who stay in close proximity and connections to family.
Interesting discussion came up recently: I asked my kids how they would rate me as a Parent.
The scale was set as follows;
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1 = rigid, controlling, inflexible
5 = pretty neutral/ but not perfect
10 = kids run wild, parents oblivious & crazy lenient
I rated myself at a 7.
I think I was a somewhat lenient parent; tried not to sweat the small stuff, didn't freak out about 'bad' words and such once they were teens, etc. I allowed both my daughters and son to 'date' when they were about 16, (not 14 like other kids). I talked to my kids about sex and responsibilities that go along with that.
I told my daughters to come to me when they thought they were ready to use birth control... that I would not be "shocked" about it. I told my son to use condoms- **always**. (Very different than how *I* was raised)
They had curfews (reasonable) and there were house rules (also reasonable). Also, Religion was not 'forced' on them.
One thing I tried to avoid was treating my son and daughters differently, based on their gender. This was extremely important to me- as the only girl in a family of 5 sibs and 4 (close) male cousins, I knew what it was like to be limited, (not spoiled, as many think) but actually limited because I was female.
Here's where things get interesting.
My kids all rated me around 8 - 8.5. .What?? :hair: I was shocked!
After all the whining, foot stomping, arguing, cajoling, begging and pleading for more "freedom", etc while they were teens ... I was expecting they'd give me a 3.5!! LOL
Turns out I could have been even "MEANER" and been just as loved and respected when all was said and done! :-/
Imagine that!
Now all three of my kids tell me they will be "a little more strict" than I was. How weird is that??
My son already has two daughters, 13 and 5, and I hope he doesn't get too carried away with being a "strict dad" as they get older.
My daughters have no kids, yet, but the older one is hoping to be pregnant soon.
But overall- I think I did a good job in assuring my grandchildren are raised by loving, caring parents -
who hit the scale at about the 5-6 range!
So don't give in to the foot stomping, begging and pleading, emotional blackmail and dramatics when
they are teens and all crazy-emotional -- because when it's all over they will look back and realize you
were doing your 'job' - as a PARENT, not their BFF.
And they will all turn out just fine, too!
sit back and think about this today...
I raised three kids; a son and two daughters.
They are all adults now, the youngest (daughter) just turned 30, the middle one (daughter) is 33 and the eldest (son) is 37.
Every now and then we get caught up in discussions about kids; kids in our family, other kids, raising kids, and other dynamics of living in a family as children, and also as adults who stay in close proximity and connections to family.
Interesting discussion came up recently: I asked my kids how they would rate me as a Parent.
The scale was set as follows;
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1 = rigid, controlling, inflexible
5 = pretty neutral/ but not perfect
10 = kids run wild, parents oblivious & crazy lenient
I rated myself at a 7.
I think I was a somewhat lenient parent; tried not to sweat the small stuff, didn't freak out about 'bad' words and such once they were teens, etc. I allowed both my daughters and son to 'date' when they were about 16, (not 14 like other kids). I talked to my kids about sex and responsibilities that go along with that.
I told my daughters to come to me when they thought they were ready to use birth control... that I would not be "shocked" about it. I told my son to use condoms- **always**. (Very different than how *I* was raised)
They had curfews (reasonable) and there were house rules (also reasonable). Also, Religion was not 'forced' on them.
One thing I tried to avoid was treating my son and daughters differently, based on their gender. This was extremely important to me- as the only girl in a family of 5 sibs and 4 (close) male cousins, I knew what it was like to be limited, (not spoiled, as many think) but actually limited because I was female.
Here's where things get interesting.
My kids all rated me around 8 - 8.5. .What?? :hair: I was shocked!
After all the whining, foot stomping, arguing, cajoling, begging and pleading for more "freedom", etc while they were teens ... I was expecting they'd give me a 3.5!! LOL
Turns out I could have been even "MEANER" and been just as loved and respected when all was said and done! :-/
Imagine that!
Now all three of my kids tell me they will be "a little more strict" than I was. How weird is that??
My son already has two daughters, 13 and 5, and I hope he doesn't get too carried away with being a "strict dad" as they get older.
My daughters have no kids, yet, but the older one is hoping to be pregnant soon.
But overall- I think I did a good job in assuring my grandchildren are raised by loving, caring parents -
who hit the scale at about the 5-6 range!
So don't give in to the foot stomping, begging and pleading, emotional blackmail and dramatics when
they are teens and all crazy-emotional -- because when it's all over they will look back and realize you
were doing your 'job' - as a PARENT, not their BFF.
And they will all turn out just fine, too!
2
Comments
Nice kitchen table kind.
Any apple pie left?
Last week-end my 17 yr old was going off at the
mouth...and I felt like someone had kicked me in the
chest. They don't know how it can feel....
Did I give in...no. Boundaries are still in place and
will be....I just wasn't prepared for the initial shock
and how emotional it would feel.
I felt like a '3' all day...then planned a ladies night out.
Had a wonderful time! Didn't drink too much...was home
by 9, and carried on with the rest of the week.
Teen-age tantrums are worse than the toddler kind. hahaha
In matters of taste, swim with the current.
In matters of principle, stand like a rock.
I knew I was doing ok when my daughters' friends would confide in them, saying, "I wish my mum was like yours....."
But it doesn't matter how you rate yourself, or how your kids rate you.
we do the best we can with the available tools, fly by the seat of our pants, and if they're drug-free and not parents by the time they hit 18, we've done ok.
As a matter of fact... I will be poppin' an apple pie in the oven in about an hour.
Come on Over!
To do it right means living your life for those children, something that seems more and more lacking today, so parents like mine are ones I venerate and hold in high esteme.
I shall never have children if i can help it(especially if i become a monk for life) , which is good because i always imagine my children being in therapy because i was like the father from Sound of Music who blew the whistle and all the kids lined up in height order. In my being the father figure to my nephew(who lived with me until just recently from age 1 to 9) i try to instill in him these good values that i remember being taught, although i disagree on how my sister parents(she is the typical parent of today) i am not the father and wont go against her wishes, so i limit my role and extent of teaching
and besides you only have 10 years until they are all adults then you can ordain hehe.
or do you mean that if you ordain you would not have time to be with your grandkids? that would be a tough thing to do after having a family, for sure. For me my wife died 8 years ago and I have no kids, It's perfect for ordination, i'm sure id feel different if I was married with kids.
Whilst a monastic life is appealing - when I am worn down by the demands of parenthood, and trying to be present, but cant find the time, it sounds appealing
I am aware the buddha left his family (albeit in riches and his son was ordained in the end) to become fully awakened, I am not sure I could do that right now - tempting as it seems - I am certain being a monastic has its own demands.
Best wishes
you couldn't leave your family to be ordained even if you wanted to
I thought you already shipped out...hahaha...we had a thread not
too long ago discussing members going into monastics...and I thought
about you..... Let us know when/if you leave so we can give you a proper
send-off.
It's good to see all of the same faces I remember from my past times here still around.
my plan remains the same, to enter into Bhavana Society as a resident with intent to renounce in May of 2014, so about a half a year left. By that time I will have no further debt(only thing left is car payment) and will be able to go. My ego/mind has swayed back and forth on the issue, in the past 6 months "mara" I think started to get scared and kept tempting me with all kinds of worldly attachments and desires haha, and now the mind has swung far to the other end of " damn I can't wait to go into the monastery, this is taking forever". I just try to ride the waves and see if my plans fit with what life has in store for me.
At this point in my life though i have kind of conceded to the fact that i will never be a mother. I can always be a cool aunt tho and i dont mind that at all :-)
Also there are tons of kids in this country waiting to be adopted to forever families, many will just end up becoming an adult without ever being adopted. Adoption is the work of bodisattvas :-)
If the whole monk thing doesnt work out for me, i see myself adopting a teenager or two.