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Raising kids as Buddhists
matthewmartin
Amateur BodhisattvaSuburbs of Mt Meru Veteran
Buddhism in general doesn't seem to have much to say about family life. I have read rules about the earliest age for ordination & how some countries used monestaries as a place for farmer peasants to unload extra kids or to put orphans (a practice of mixed merits).
I imagine on a forum of Buddhists who are now a different religion than what they were (or weren't) raised in might be skeptical that you can raise a child to have a religion since obviously that didn't work for them. I'm somewhat more optimistic since amongst "old buddhists" there are a billion plus who are Buddhists in part because their parents were Buddhists.
Do anyone here have any opinions on the efficacy of raising kids to be Buddhist, what the orthodox traditions have to say about the matter and if Buddhism has anything that parallels baptism, catechism and confirmation (typical rites and practices for kids in other religions)?
I imagine on a forum of Buddhists who are now a different religion than what they were (or weren't) raised in might be skeptical that you can raise a child to have a religion since obviously that didn't work for them. I'm somewhat more optimistic since amongst "old buddhists" there are a billion plus who are Buddhists in part because their parents were Buddhists.
Do anyone here have any opinions on the efficacy of raising kids to be Buddhist, what the orthodox traditions have to say about the matter and if Buddhism has anything that parallels baptism, catechism and confirmation (typical rites and practices for kids in other religions)?
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ways to practice ...hahaha...seriously, I am able to present most lessons
in an age appropriate way..
I'm not sure I understand the question...AFA the
Buddhism in general..I would think the writings on householders come
in handy here....no?
As for lay practice, esp of the 5 precepts sort, (don't do five things you normally don't do anyhow), are even less relevant for a kids practice, they can't buy booze, aren't biologically interested in sex yet, don't really understand property rights or if they did-- they don't have money to pay for anything. Honesty is a social construct and kids generally have to learn to lie (i.e. say "So nice to meet you!" instead of "Why do you smell like that?")... but I'm rehashing what I've written about the 5 precepts elsewhere. And yes, if you follow the 5 precepts like the monks do, then the precepts are interesting again, but then they wouldn't be lay precepts anymore.
;-)
I mean, if I said, "My kid won't keep getting up from kneeling on upturned bottle caps and chickpeas while he's doing his 1 million padmes" then, I'd say, yeah, that's borderline child abuse.
Is this "force" thing a Christian thing?
But if I turn off the TV and say we're doing a different activity, maybe religion related (assuming they are of the age when you can get them to do activities) that's parenting, not force.
Is secret or semi-secret dharma an effective way to spread the dharma?
I know people who were raised to "pick their own religion" that way and they picked nothing. I was a stealth Buddhist around my elder son and generally he is unaware of Buddhism as any other American-- probably assumes Buddhists are pagans that pray to statues to crush their enemies and the bring them riches and women.
Monastic life - family (lay) life - I bet there is not much in it in the end in terms of merit. Kids require as much love and effort as any practice.
If you try and force something on them too young - you might make them averse to the the teachings.
Give them too much and you create craving.
There is always a middle way.
Mettha
Has anyone ever, ever successfully learned about Buddhism from a parent? ( without the sort of bitterness and rage and anger that leads people to reject their Christian upbringing) And if so, how did they do it? Or is this a fundamentally impossible thing to teach religion to children without triggering the bitterness, rage and anger against power?
This is a lot like when I taught science years ago. The facts in middle school and early high school are pretty irrelevant. But seeing things in a science-sort-of-way was a long-lasting benefit.
Same for looking at belief systems.
AFA...My children only go when they ask to. They also only walk with me...
do the bell through the day...or rake...if they ask. I never 'force' them to
do anything religious.... and if anything.... I explain to them that Buddhism teaches
me to do the opposite of forcing them...
We don't go the 'fear' route...so...it's been a wonderful experience so far...
seeing my children pick up their own practice habits and to see the
stages/interersts in them....My youngest (9) is still talking about the last
tea ceremony...
This is my kind of thread... If anyone would like to share
tips/ideas for sharing practice/lessons/meditation with
children...go for it! I'm more than willing to share what we
do with different ages at our house! My teen is missing the
monastery and has been asking if nuns are allowed to write and
recieve letters.....before my next trip to ask...does anyone here
know the rules/guidelines for that?
Let's see, which technique did Buddha usually use?
Fun times, fun times.
That's quite the leap there.
Live your own practice to the best of your ability. Walk the talk. If you manifest tenderness, empathy, sympathy, benevolence, compassion, love & wisdom, then your parental religious duties will have been done.
Non-Buddhists are capable of figuring our right from wrong.
You can tell your children all you want, not to kill,
but it will be a parent's efforts at practicing harmlessness,
that will stick with them.
Exhorted: "to strongly urge (someone) to do something"
The Buddha strongly urged his son to become Buddhist and practice Buddhism. He didn't just suggest it, he strongly urged it. Nor did he suggest any alternatives. In fact, he gave him novice ordination at the age of seven, without asking anyone's permission, not even of his son. King Suddhodana objected and the Buddha respected his fathers objections and the rule was born to not ordain minors without parents permission.
Rahula himself was the first Śrāmaṇera. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samanera
I have also noticed a tendency for those without kids of their own to lecture those who have, and who subsequently know the complexities involved and the vast differences even between siblings.
Where did you hear your version?
Either way, I think it's best that everyone discern their own path and not blindly follow what they are too young to understand.
Because a child is not indoctrinated to a path does not mean they won't learn right from wrong or suffer from bad parenting.
The Buddha was a great man. He was also a man of hs times.
like...children programs? ..... Probably depends on the
size and funding, I'm sure...but curious, non the less....
Of those of you that have children that sit.....do you always
sit together? .with them? ...Probably depends on age, I'm sure...
One more...hahaha...how much home stuff are they involved in?
AFA..incense lighting...any chanting..?? Um.....Buddhist children
books? Thanks !
also, they have been exposed to a couple different family
friends with other POV's about life, hahaha....so right..now
I feel ok about that.....Right now....I've been hitting them with
the rebirth stuff...hahaha I know...wish me luck...but so far
so good...TNH has some wonderful examples and explanations
that are easy to present IRL situations.....
My son likes more TB material.....
The love and compassion that animals can teach is
wonderful for children, BTW. Any time you can get it
in...is wonderful stuff!
We're science buffs too...so I got that covered hahaha
But yes, I am practicing Buddhists way/approach to
life.....so thats what they know the most of....
their father also is practicing...he does more
intense Zen sitting with them and also does a
morning session with them....so the conditions
and spouse is something to consider....while
talking about how the kids will be raised/exposed
to. Ok..i'm done hahah
We are both Buddhist and will obviously instil Buddhist morals and values... I won't be able to keep myself from telling her Buddhist stories, lol.
That, to me, is a far cry from forcing her to adopt Buddhism as her path.
Only she can make an informed choice on what makes sense to her.
We wouldn't label our children Republicans, Democrats, Liberals, Tories or Labour, Arsenal supporters or New York Giant fans....
'Instilling Buddhist morals or values' is a misnomer. What you're doing is instilling morals and values. Full stop/period. Buddhism has nothing to do with raising a child well. You don't raise a child the Buddhist way. You raise them the right way. No God, no indoctrination, no religious direction. Just good, plain ol' common sense.
Give me one good bit of advice, counsel, direction or instruction that is uniquely Buddhist, and that could not be applied simply as a moral, beneficial, valuable guidance.
actually made me cry! hahahha
love you guys even if you are terrible parents
letting your children grow their own curiosity for the world and for life and for what you can do is invaluable
buddhisty or not, always teach them that they can become anything and achieve anything
thanks dad and mom
What is indoctrination, what is force? I've never seen it. I've seen rebellious teenagers (and once was one)-- but that's just the circle of life. No amount of laxity in parenting will prevent the rebellion.
@seeker242 - Thanks, just the sort of thing I was looking for. The historical Buddha didn't spread out Jainism, Hinduism, and Buddhism before his kid and ask him to pick, or not pick, that seems to be a modern thing. (not bad, just not Buddhist)
re: setting a good example
Can't argue with that. Meritorious conduct would be a good thing even if no one was watching who might copy.
re: doing nothing particular different (as a parent or non-parent)
I read books silently to myself and meditate. When I actually do something "buddhist"-y, its often something I didn't do. This is pretty stealthy Buddhism. If it works for someone, great, I was fishing for something with more structure.
re: wrong and right
Without somehow getting Buddhist philosophy into ones head, one has no way of knowing wrong or right. By default, greed, hate and delusions about ones nature are (seemingly) pleasant, automatic and invisible as the water a fish swims in.
re: initiation (baptism) before one understands the point
Yes, the novice/monk model maybe could provide a way to deal with this. Novices can't become monks until they extensively prove they can do it, understand it and want it. I should go read about that next. (I have read that the barrier for becoming a lay Buddhist is pretty low-- just saying the refuges recitation 3 times)
-- versus --
what percent of people on this forum are Buddhist in spite of the religion their parents INSTILLED on them.
(I put instilled in caps to emphasize a heavy hand).
I fear that anyone who attempts to install Buddhism in modern teens will rue the day.