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Is it possible to love someone that much?
betaboy
Veteran
So much that you think of her all the time, your heart aches with jealousy.......
Has that happened to you? Do u even believe it is love?
Has that happened to you? Do u even believe it is love?
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You can tell if its hot, fiery, oh and you feel insane.
And it does bring up qualities of love such as kindness, openness, relating, intimacy.
But it also brings out the neurotic aspects such as paranoia, jealousy, fear, anger, isolation.
Now here is an inquiry if you're up for it.
There is her, when you see her with your eyes and feel her with your hands.
And there is her, when she's not there but you have an image be it a feeling or an idea that you associate with her, which in turn replicates in your body as love, jealousy, or whatever you're using her as a means to feel.
Make note of that difference. And see if there is an actual difference. And see which one is "realer".
Enjoy.
But come back to this when you come down and are a bit relaxed.
This topic alone has brought tremendous clarity in my dharma path and also became the reason why I even was remotely interested in dharma.
Because there is a dynamism in falling in love that is powerful, yet at the same time we get burned. So there is really something to tease out there in terms of insight.
And at the same time we just have to go through it all. Through hell, through heaven and then back to square one.
Be kind to yourself, be kind to yourself,
respect yourself,
respect her, be kind to her.
Communicate what you feel and think. Don't expect people to read your mind.
And remember this:
its not about her or the situation. its never about her or the situation.
its about you, your experience, your confidence and insecurities.
so in that sense all the responsibility falls on your hands.
if you can read this and digest this you can save a lot of headache.
hope this reaches you.
I type as my partner looks over my shoulder.
is it fair that you suppose affection for her, when in fact, you constantly pine for another?
or is she who you're talking about?
Metthane! Lol
Back to hell I go. Hey betaboy what you doing here?
Forget the yells of laughter, and the endless unrest, let's have a quiet cup of tea together. satan has reserved me a small spot on the barbecue over there. What is really causing you so much pain?
I'm listening, how's the brew for you?
I sort of agree with a bit of what everyone said, especially with karasti, two comments above.
My idea, in a nutshell, is: it takes a lot of self-love to love someone and be loved back the right way. The right way is positive attributes, like a healthy feeling, mutual respect, trust, freedom, giving the other person space to breathe for them to choose to come back to you every day.
If there is jealousy, obssession, "stalking," suffering in any form, it is neither sane to you nor to the other person. It might have many names like passion or infatution as some of the members named it, but in MHO it can't be love.
Does this person reciprocate? In a healthy, requitted relationship, jealousy and pain would have no place.
You usually "love" that way when you are too young and your self-esteem is only beginning to bloom. As you grow and learn to love yourself, the way you love is more mature and healthier to both members of the pair.
Work on your self-esteem. Love yourself in a healthy way and your love relationships will mirror that.
Personally, I've had my share of Othellos and they only scared me away!
True love is present when the object of your affection tells you that she has fallen in love with your best friend and wants to be with him and you are happy for her that she found someone she loves that much.
thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
this is berry berry helpful
and sounds like
it is time for some metta meditating
Is this what happened? She left you for your best friend?
No, we are happily married...but, I love her and if she could find more happiness elsewhere, I'd encourage her.
I have a friend who did that for her husband.
A few years ago, he suffered a stroke, and then several health problems followed (he is in his late 50s). He went home, but didn't have good mobility, and he slipped and fell and broke his hip. Afterwards, it became clear he could not live on his own. He's decline got worse and he could no longer transfer himself in and out of bed, to the bathroom and so on. My friend works, and they have a teenage daughter so being able to care for him around the clock wasn't possible and their insurance does not cover in home care. So he went to live at a long term care facility, and he met a woman there. My friend gave not only her permission (which I guess is required by the facility) but her blessing for her husband to live with this other woman. She didn't want to deny him the pleasure of a companion when they were unable to return to what they knew of as their normal relationship. They are still married (long story, has a lot to do with financial care for their daughter) but she is truly happy for him, despite her sadness at the change in their marriage.
If the possibility of her leaving you for your best friend is real, well, you are entitled to some jealousy and possibly anger if your feelings for her are strong. But you don't have to pat yourself on the shoulder for being so nice and goody-two-shoes over that.
Choose an alternative that is healthy for you. If she really wants to try with your best friend and you agree to part with her, go ahead and begin your own self-healing. You have to decide if it's better to part ways, or go on pretending that you're happily married like you said when it leaves you stewing with torturing feelings. Only you can know.
So, because someone says "I love my wife but if one day she wanted to be with someone else and that would make her happier, I would be happy for her" that means they are pretending to be happy in their marriage? I don't think that is true. I find your approach sometimes to be a bit aggressive.
Sorry if I came across as aggressive because it was not in the least my intention. English is not my mother language, so I guess I have to be more careful in my choice of words next time.
But then, can you describe yourself as happily married if the person you love tells you that she wants to leave you for your best friend? @yagr is obviously suffering in this situation. On the one hand he might be happy for her, and that's quite altruistic on his part, but on the other hand, he's staying in a situation which is inflicting a lot of personal pain for him.
@dharmamom, you have misunderstood @yagr's comment.
He and his wife are very happily married.
There is no issue within his relationship.
His statement means that he loves his wife enough, that if - IF - she were ever to admit to having fallen in love with anyone else (something which has not occurred and is not a situation he is facing) then, he would have enough Love, Compassion and acceptance/detachment, to be able to tell her that she should follow her heart's desire, and not feel hatred, resentment, animosity, or jealousy for her. He would let her go with as much love, as when he first held her.
Yes, what @federica said. It was a "what if" situation, not a statement of what he is actually going through. It was much more a statement of release of ego, not a goody-goody, give me a pat on the back approach.
I am happy to learn that @yagr is not actually going through this situation. Then why torture himself imagining this worst-case scenarios?
I don't think he is torturing himself. It was just a mention in the conversation regarding what is possible when you truly love someone. I didn't interpret it as something he spends a lot of time thinking about. Just stating that he loves his wife in a manner that would allow him to let go of his attachment to her so that she could be happy. I personally wouldn't see my husband leaving me for someone else to be a worst-case scenario. All things change and are impermanent, including relationships and marriages.
I sorry that I was not able to get online earlier to address these posts and for any confusion I may have begun. Federica and karasti's explanations are just what I was trying to say.