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Compassion for yourself
Wisdom23
Veteran
This year I am devoting my practise to improving my low self esteem and mega high anxiety (If anyone has any tips, sites, book recommendation that would be awesome) but my question is this: should self esteem or compassion for oneself be based on anything solid? i.e should my positive qualities be the foundation for self love or should i love myself purely because i am me? The problem being when i list my positive qualities i often compare myself to others who have similar qualities and often come to the conclusion maybe I am not as good as I thought. How does one develop a firm foundation for self compassion if a person has a history of negative self talk.
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Your sense of well being should be based on the Absolute certainty of having Buddha Nature. You are a Buddha. No more, no less.
I wish you every success.
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/realizing-your-self-worth-and-believing-in-your-path/
When I'm feeling down on myself for some reason I practice Tonglen. It is technically a Tibetan practice (I think?) but of value to anyone who wants to use it. Pema Chodron has a good, short article about it here: http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/tonglen1.php
So when I am not feeling good about myself, I picture my teacher or Avalokiteshvara or Buddha or whoever seems right at the moment sitting across from me and practicing with, or for me. Works for me, anyhow. I find the times I am feeling negative towards myself to be far less frequent and less severe.
I highly recommend these three talks by Thanissaro on the Brahmaviharas/four immeasurables. His perspective has cleared up a lot of confusion for me around these matters.
However, I think self-esteem does not improve with mental exercises as it improves when you feel capable, recognized and loved. It is a consequence of how you act in the world.
We need to learn to be a comfort as well as a motivator. Sometimes one takes over and we forget to be other as well.
how about self acceptance.. you accept and embrace yourself, all your perceived positives AND negatives. All of them are conditions that arose from causes related to your mind and body, and since all things are impermanent they can change for better and for worse.
now the "positive qualities" come in when you have begun to accept yourself, and then wish to put forth effort in moving towards that " better you". It is the definition of "right effort"
abandoning unskillful qualities that have already arisen,
blocking unskillful qualities from arising in the future
abiding(keeping, remaining in) in skillful qualities that have already arisen
embracing and fostering skillful qualities that arise in the future.
I like this little guided audio from Tergar...it was a good starting point for me.
http://learning.tergar.org/2012/12/20/guided-meditation-on-love-and-compassion-for-oneself/
To go Zen for a moment...
To study Buddhism is to study the self,
to study the self is to forget the self,
to forget the self is to be enlightenment itself.
There are differences between the psychological approaches for feeling better about oneself and the Buddhist purpose for addressing sufferings cause. Both have worth.
Lacking any psychological training myself, I only proffer a Buddhist consideration that although your low self esteem might be raised with positivity, a more elemental problem is thinking that a newer shinnier self will actually result in any less suffering.
&
Compassion, love and wisdom may simply be the three virtues of a self best forgotten.
Give up talking about self so much and do some metta meditations based on yourself as, say, a five-year-old child. Are you really any diferent that THAT? I mean, you are the SAME as you were back then —on the inside. What you are on the inside is the same as what's inside me and him and her...
If you cannot love yourself you cannot love anyone else, either. What a waste that would be.
I foolishly never thought about it that way but that does make a lot of sense cheers.
Thank you I have recently started doing this practise and it has been rather beneficial.
If one follows the formal practice of Metta Bhavana, the first stage is generating metta towards oneself before generating it for others.
There are several sites which outline the process.
Forget about history and start some positive talk.
What I've found helpful for me is to imagine another person or people with pain and suffering like myself and use them as the object of my tonglen practice. Can't remember having ever heard that practice taught so maybe there is some negative reason, idk just saying use at your own risk, but I find it a very powerful way to develop feelings of compassion.
You should love yourself for you - I wouldn't focus on qualities. Each of us is better at some things than others, making the focus of qualities somewhat counter-productive.
Focusing on your better qualities may also lead you to think about the qualities you're dissatisfied with - this may give you further insight into the Second and Third Noble truths; but this isn't your current goal.
If you need something of a Mcguffin, like I do sometimes, ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mcguffin ) You could re-devote your attention to the Eight-fold path as opposed to thinking about your self-esteem.
Understand I am not saying "think about how well you've followed the Eight-fold path" but instead, just follow it's tenets to the best of your ability. Think of it as driving down the road, and you're making adjustments for traffic, stop signs, children crossing the road, etc.
Your self-esteem concerns should be resolved as you head further down the path to enlightenment. Try not to think about it, as it is something you're dissatisfied with, but as one of those things in life we've got to maintain due to the fact that we're human beings.
Lack of self-esteem, contrary to current assumptions, and in some circumstances, is an AID to Dharma.
Namaste @Wisdom23
If you can't develop compassion for yourself, this is an immediate obstacle in your practice, because it is very difficult to develop compassion for others.
Mentally saying 'namaste' or 'metta' to yourself as your mind does daft things that cause you grief is a useful and simple practicel, you can then develop and extend your compassionate awareness by mentally saying it to people when you meet or greet them (or if this an alien thing to do for you, you could say 'I see you' like in Avatar), hey you might even find that you say it to others. I have worked with many muslims and in some environments, it was normal to greet them with As-salamu alaykum (peace be with you)
As @Citta said Metta practice is good, Tonglen Guided Mediations work well for me.
I like to reflect that this thing I call self is going to die one day, and that in itself generates a kind and compassionate attitude within me, and as everyone else is going that way, it is easy to extend that awareness to them.
Good luck
in Metta
How does one develop a firm foundation for self compassion if a person has a history of negative self talk.
There are so many ways. Some have been suggested. From experience I know we can change due to the plasticity of the neural pathways. Reframing can be useful. After a few years it becomes a working rather than crippling delusion. Samsara has to be enabling to start with . . . eventually we can make use of our chatter . . .
http://stress.about.com/od/positiveattitude/a/reframing.htm
Reframing is an essential part of CBT..Cognitive Behavioural Therapy..which is revolutionising the treatment of some conditions like depression and clinical anxiety...but which useful even for those who are not depressed or anxious to a clinical degree.
Translated from the Samyutta-Nikaya:
Thus I have heard.
On a certain occasion The Blessed One was dwelling at Savatthi, in Jetavana monastery in Anathapindika's Park.
Then drew near king Pasenadi the Kosalan to where The Blessed One was; and having drawn near and greeted the Blessed One, he sat down respectfully at one side, king Pasenadi the Kosalan spoke to the Blessed One as follows:-
"Reverend Sir, it happened to me, as I was just now in seclusion and plunged in meditation, that a consideration presented itself in my mind, as follows: 'Who are those who love themselves? and who are those who do not love themselves?' And , Reverend Sir, it occurred to me as follows: 'All they who do evil with their body, who do evil with their voice, who do evil with their mind, they do not love themselves.' And although they should say thus: 'We love ourselves,' nevertheless, they do not love themselves. And why do I say so? Because, whatever a man would do to one whom he did not love, that they do to themselves. Therefore, they do not love themselves.
"But all they who do good with their body, who do good with their voice, who do good with their mind, they love themselves. And although they say thus: 'We do not love ourselves,' nevertheless, they do love themselves. And why do I say so? Because, whatever a man do to whom he loved, that they do to themselves. Therefore they love themselves.
"Thus it is great king! Thus it is! Certainly, great king, all they who do evil with their body, who do evil with their voice, who do evil with their mind, they do not love themselves. And although they should say thus: 'We love ourselves,' nevertheless, they do not love themselves. And why do I say so? Because, whatever a man would to one whom he did not love, that they do to themselves. Therefore they do not love themselves.
"But all they, great king, who do good with their body, who do good with their voice, who do good with their mind, they love themselves. And although they should say thus: 'We do not love ourselves,' nevertheless, they do love themselves. And why do I say so? Because, whatever a man would do to one he loved, that they do to themselves. Therefore they love themselves.
"Let any one who holds self dear,
That self keep free from wickedness;
For happiness can ne'er be found
By any evil deeds.
"Assailed by death, in life's last throes,
At quitting of this human state,
What is it one can call his own?
What with him take as he goes hence?
What is it that follows after him
And like a shadow ne'er daparts?
"His good deeds and his wickedness,
Whate'er a mortal dies while here;
'Tis this that he can call his own,
This with him take as he goes hence.
This is what follows after him,
And like a shadow ne'er departs.
"Let all, then, noble deeds perform,
All treasure-store for future weal;
For merit gained this life within,
Will yield a blessing in the next."
ooooh I am all ears how so ?
The normal advice for those with low self esteem is to undertake ways and means to boost self esteem.
However Buddhadharma is not about esteem at all...so there is the possibility of moving from low esteem to upekkha ( equanimity ) without having to build something which is illusory anyway...