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Being approachable sucks!
betaboy
Veteran
Many people believe being unapproachable is a problem. Take it from me, it is a blessing. Nobody will mess with you; no one will take you for granted. No stranger will suddenly start a conversation with you, be friendly with you for no reason. Being approachable is like being a sitting duck - random strangers will smile and start conversation (even if you want privacy), people casually assume you're too nice to say 'no' etc. etc. - it is like you exist for others. It is f*****g annoying.
(rant over)
What would you prefer? How does it affect you, if at all - positively or negatively?
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Comments
I'm hesitant to post in this thread seeing as you don't want to be approachable!!
Seriously I am alone a lot so when I am out I don't mind a chat with someone I don't know.
Poor thing!
I would prefer the option. Which I have. I believe you might have a mobile phone, 'excuse me I have to take this' is better than your hypocrisy, even when there is no one one on the other end. Eat more garlic. Dress down.
You are just too damn gorgeous, ain't you . . . Pah! I think Paris Hilton has the same problem.
Too harsh? So be it. Should be helpful . .
The barriers fostered between self and others are actually part of sufferings cause
and are the antithesis of empathy, sympathy, tenderness, compassion, benevolence, love and wisdom.
I am fine with conversations, but I am not fine with people taking me for granted.
that's because you expect them to do something other than what they are or to be someone other than who they are. Always a cause of suffering-expecting things to be other than they are. As far as being taken for granted, that is something you do to yourself because of your expectations.
Oh noes! People are too friendly and smiling! What a horrible problem.
"You could push into it instead of closing yourself off. In that way, you just keep opening and unfolding, like flowers in the summertime. Even though they are exposed to the weather, to the wind and rain, flowers still keep unfolding themselves, until finally they bloom at their best. You could be like the flowers: you could let the bees sit on you and take your honey away, and that would be fine." CTR
I think it's the signals we send, even subconsciously. I know that's true for me. I complain all the time that no one takes me seriously or listens to me, especially at work. I'm at my job almost 34 years, so you'd think I'd know a little bit about it.
But some people are not happy until they get a 2nd and 3rd opinion, which in almost every case supports or vindicates me. Frustrating, because time is wasted (and yes, it's an affront to my ego). But why does this happen? Because I send subtle signals that are part of my personality.
As for people approaching, or being attracted like moths to a flame, again, my signals. Apparently I draw attention to myself. I may have told this story once, but here goes...
I was at the coffee bar at work when a young guy from maintenance said to me, out of the blue "Do you ride a bike?" I said I used to mountain bike. He said he meant a motorcycle, because I look like I ride one. :wtf: Well, maybe the leather jacket, boots, jeans, being short, stocky and shaved bald with earrings might create an image.
I could tell right away he was a little slow, so I just smiled and chatted him up a bit and said OK, have a good day as I left. It took nothing away from me, but maybe gave him something.
10. The Buddha said, “Those who rejoice in seeing others observe the Way
will obtain great blessing.” A Sramana asked the Buddha, “Would this
blessing be destroyed?” The Buddha replied, “It is like a lighted torch
whose flame can be distributed to ever so many other torches which
people may bring along; and therewith they will cook food and dispel
darkness, while the original torch itself remains burning ever the same.
It is even so with the bliss of the Way.” - Sutra of 42 Sections popularly rendered as "Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened."
How does it affect you, if at all - positively or negatively?
Not at all.
How would you know which is a blessing, if you sit in one camp alone?
Take your practice more seriously. You owe it to yourself at the very least.
Then perhaps you will be more comfortable with the relationship with yourself and perhaps also by extension, with others.
Well, people approaching you for the purpose of talking isn't "taking you for granted," its taking you as someone who looks like they're willing to talk to that person.
While I do think trust between people needs to be earned between all parties, engaging in a short conversation shouldn't be implying a commitment from either the approach-er, or the approach-ee.
I understand your desire for privacy, I've been something of a loner my entire life, and random people coming up to me would always be annoying. I didn't care for what their reason was, they annoyed me so grr at them!
Then I became a student of the Buddha. I don't think of these people as "annoying" anymore....well most of them. :P
Instead of being worried about being taken for granted - that is to say "What does this person want from or of me?" Why not ask: "What help can I give this person, what am I willing to give to help this person?"
Keep in mind Karma - Its not your fault if they take you for granted, it is theirs. If you help them with an honest intention of wanting to aid them, you will benefit. If they sought only to use you, that is to their detriment.
It is never a foolish thing to give help. It is a foolish thing to abuse any help given.
A Christian once told me that there was a perfectly acceptable prayer in his religious lexicon: "Dear Lord, please give him/her a swift kick in the ass."
I'd rather be approachable and be exploited 40% of the time, than be an irascible individual who never even gives themselves the opportunity to be liked.
Why do you choose to be so thoroughly unlikeable?
@betaboy iz you conflicted? You wants it but don't want it?
The solutions to being approachable are simple . . . you are not socially inept. Your question is ridiculous. What do you want lessons on scowling?
Sort of like the pop stars who yearn for publicity and then beat up the paparazzi for photographing them?
I'd rather be feared than disrespected. I hate it when some stranger I've known for ten minutes talks to me like I am an old friend (and not in a good way, but making sarcastic comments etc. like friends may playfully do) - there is a line you can't cross, that's all I am saying. Do you think the guy will behave like that with an unapproachable person? Of course not, but with me they take liberties.........it is wrong, so please don't try to make me look unreasonable.
Why complain about it and do nothing? Man up!
If someone is disrespecting you put them in their place. Or just skulk away and bitch about it here. We are all ears.
If they are feeding a suffering dynamic just stop feeding it and ignore them.
@Betaboy Seriously, are you serious about attempting to study Buddhist teachings? if you want to live a life of virtue then on some scale you will be approachable just by your nature. It will not feel like an effort. Most healthy people don't like doing what they don't want to do. If you evolve to the point that your desire is to help others then being approachable is a win win.
Try this approach Betaboy before you isolate yourself forever attempting to not allow yourself to be exploited.
I like time with others and time alone with no distractions. Seems to me that one can politely have both.
How does talking to you like an old friend seem disrespectful?
The problem of you seeing yourself as disrespected because a stranger makes conversation with you is your problem. How do you know that person isn't a bit socially awkward and it was really hard for them to summon the courage to say something? How you react may set the stage for how they feel about a lot of things. So don't worry so much about making everything about you. Also, this idea that you deserve respect from everything is something to work on. First off, no one owes you anything. Not a single thing. Second, how is anyone supposed to assume what you determine is the proper amount of respect? Everyone is different in that regard, it is childish to assume everyone you come across will recognize what your needs are. It's not up to anyone else to meet your needs and your preconceived notions of what social interaction is to be like.
After reading this topic I'm feeling better about being unapproachable.
Every human being deserves respect. Enough said.
I'm not so sure that's true.
Fred Phelps for example.
Go on retreats. Enjoy the outdoors. Who's to say you can't spend time with yourself? Don't be afraid to speak your mind when you need to. Didn't they just just did it to you?
Fine, but at least before you get to know (and evaluate) them, you must give them the benefit of the doubt and respect them. Fair enough?
But you are expecting people to know what you determine respect to be, and to follow what you expect without them knowing you. If you expect them to respect you, then you are required to respect them. If you don't like the situations you find yourself in, then don't put yourself in them.
Must this, mustn't that; should this, shouldn't that ... this sort of anal-retentive existence has more to do with an uncertain teenaged mind and less to do with Buddhism.
"I'd rather be feared than disrespected" -- a line worthy of Vito Corleone or George Patton. My guess is that there are any number of Second Amendment bulletin boards on the Internet where this sort of thinking would find a warmly-regarded home.
Anyone who ever took up a Buddhist practice came to it as a self-centered twit in one way or another. Those who find self-centered twitdom too enjoyable generally leave Buddhism in the rear-view mirror... no point in muddying the waters by investigating what is far too enjoyable (and therefore 'true') to investigate.
Buddhism is about making choices and taking responsibility for them. It is not about meddling or crediting or discrediting the choices that others make.
Your life. Your choice.
Dukkha is having and not having.
& here I thought it was wanting or not wanting,
pleasure and pain
gain and loss
fame and infamy
blame and praise
^^^dukha
What's wrong with being approached by strangers for a friendly chat and smiles?
How dare they! Who do they think they are? Potential friends? Boddhisattvas in the making? The impudence!
Lobster, I believe there's a thread for posting self pics.
Show some respect. Don't take me for granted . . . Come to think of it, why are you talking to me? Must be my natural charisma. Sure sucks being a gorgeous cur . . . and now back to the howling . . .
;-)
I agree this works to my advantage in some cases - like approaching women etc. I can openly flirt, do anything, with women, and they seem to enjoy it. If other men try anything remotely similar, they'll get a smack across the face. So yes, my demeanor helps in this area. But in other areas, not so much. I don't relish being taken for granted. it is demeaning.
I really don't understand how a stranger coming up and talking to you is demeaning.
To go further - you claim to have no problem with coming up to random girls and talking to them even if they don't know you - what you call "being taken for granted."
I've no desire to annoy you or anything, but I am very confused as to how you believe you're being taken for granted.
What a joker! You think you can approach women and do anything you like. And then take their politeness to mean that they actually always like it, when in fact, you are taking a great deal for granted.
Then you get offended when a man does the same thing to you, just because it isn't a sexual come on.
Damn! Just when I was thinking that maybe you were starting to be honest.
Doesn't matter. Everyone strokes their ego.
@betaboy I think I understand what you've been saying in this post.
Do you flirt with guys?
Relax. As a straight guy, I approach women - nothing wrong with that. How else are we supposed to meet women, date, or establish relationships? Flirting is part of this. You can't compare this with the other scenario I mentioned - people taking you for granted just because you're nice and friendly.
You're joking, right?
Betaboy
As long as you refuse to consider that you are the cause of your suffering, you will continue to be bewildered by the workings of your own Karma.
I have been friendly and open all my life. It's not a problem.
You realize it would be helpful to get answers you might consider more valid if you were more forthcoming with information, right? You have basically only said that you don't like when people approach you without being asked but then said you don't like being taken for granted. Then you said it's friends and coworkers that do this. What, exactly, are they doing? How do you feel taken for granted? What scenarios are taking place? Usually being taken for granted means our expectations are not being met. Only we can control our expectations, and hoping to get anything (even respect) out of situation only leads to more disappointment.
An example:
My 88 year old grandma doesn't have much, but she will do and give whatever she can to help her family members. My alcoholic drug addicted cousin frequently asks grandma for money. Grandma often gives it (knowing where it is going). The cousin, who lives just a couple miles away, then will not answer the phone if grandma calls for help with laundry or grocery shopping. The cousin won't speak to grandma again until she needs money or help with something.
To me, when someone says "I'm being taken for granted" that is the type of situation that comes to mind. So I cannot logically follow your discussion because your clues of "strangers are friendly and talking to me for no reason" "I am taken for granted" "I am not respected. I am insulted by coworkers and friends." because none of the things seem terribly related without any examples to follow.
For what it's worth, I have asked my grandma if she knows my cousin is taking advantage of her generosity. She simply says she gives out of love with no expectation of something in return. Rather than being averse to my cousin's behavior, she is wide open to whatever happens and in service to her family. Much like a parent is consistently taken for granted by their children until the kids have children of their own (often times). If you can stop worrying about what you are getting out of the deal, it's easier to be open just to being of assistance or service where you can and letting go of the rest.
Has it ever occurred to you that women hate being approached by you for precisely the same reason?
Unfortunately, in this day-and-age of advanced emancipation, most approaches by men are awkward, forced, trite and hackneyed.
But we ladies try to let you guys down gently, most of the time.... even though we've heard it all before....
So consider what the lady might be thinking, as you approach for the chat-up line.... always bearing in mind, of course, that you already HAVE a girlfriend....?
. . . be happy, be kind . . .
seems like a plan . . .
In fact, despite wot your momma said, do talk to strangers . . .
@ Betaboy. This is it in a nutshell. I am only suggesting that you take teachings one by one and practice them. You will amaze yourself by how different your environment becomes. As you become less important to yourself you actually feel your worth and have more confidence.
From the Buddhist point of view, being anything sucks.
yes, they hate it so much that they end up having sex with me, lol.
I'm still not seeing the problem here. What's wrong with people chatting in a friendly and neighborly manner? That's normal where I'm from. Sometimes you end up sharing a laugh with someone, and it's a great day-brightener.
If you don't like being approached, make yourself less approachable. People can't take you for granted unless you let them.