Dealing with Triggering Social Interactions
thegoldeneternity
Veteran
I had a very triggering social interaction last night. It has been bugging me to no end. I am replaying the situation in my head, wondering how I could have handled it better...and trying to figure out what actually even occurred. I would be interested to hear anyone's take on the situation, or on how to handle similar such triggering social interactions. I know it's a trivial occurrence compared to many other things, but I would appreciate your input.
I love music and enjoy going to see live performances. Last night, I showed up at a bar for some funk music that was advertised as starting at 1030pm. As is usually the case, the music did not start on time and it was not until about 1130pm that it did. I always expect this waiting period and I often experience feelings of awkwardness and social anxiety when I'm just sitting/standing at a venue waiting for music to start. Over the years, I have developed a habit of always having a book in my jacket pocket. I find it to be a great activity to have at my disposal when I am feeling socially anxious. I can direct my attention on the book and not allow my thoughts to start becoming a runaway freight train of anxiety. So I sat there reading until the music started.
When the music started, the place became extremely crowded. There was almost no room to stand. There was no way to see the musicians unless you were standing right up front next to them. When looking in the direction of the musicians, all I could see was the backs of the people in front of me. Eventually, I turned back around and just read my book while listening to the music.
Then I was approached by a woman. The music was very loud and it was difficult to hear what she was saying. This is the interaction as I remember it:
woman: (inaudible)
me: "What?"
woman (inaudible)
me: "I'm sorry, I can't hear you"
woman: (leans in close to my ear) "You can't hear me but you can read a book?"
me: "Yeah, well I use my ears to hear and my eyes to read" (I smile)
woman: (mostly inaudible...I think she asks me what I am reading)
me: "It's a book about inter-religious dialogue, in the format of a conversation" (I open the book to show her the format, and hand her the book."
woman: "No...I mean what did you JUST read?" (she opens the book to where my bookmark is)
me: (I figure she is teasing me) "Oh, I didn't know I was going to get a pop quiz...the book is pretty dense...um, I was just reading about how Thomas Keating left his position as Abbot of his monastery in 1981 because he didn't think it allowed him enough time for contemplative prayer."
woman: "I don't usually do this, but check this out" (she lifts up her sleeve and shows me a tattoo on her arm. The tattoo is a stack of books)
me: (nod my head) "What's your name?"
(we introduce ourselves)
woman: "Do you often come to this bar to read?"
me: "No, I don't."
woman: "Are you actually reading or just pretending to read?"
me: "Huh? Didn't I just pass your pop quiz?"
woman: "I'm just saying, you should read because you love to read, not because you want to be that guy reading at the bar."
me: (starting to get really confused) "OK...are you calling bullsh*t on me or something?"
woman: "No, but whenever I see a guy reading at a bar it raises a red flag."
me: "A red flag? What do you mean?"
woman: "It's one thing to be reading at a quiet bar...but at a bar like this?..."
me: "Well I get overwhelmed with so many people around. I like having a book that I can focus my attention on. If there are lyrics, I get distracted, but I can read with instrumental music."
woman: "Just don't be that guy reading at the bar."
me: (I just look at her confused...I realize that she hasn't even smiled once during our conversation)
woman: "I'm insulted that you didn't think I would know what the book was about by looking at the cover."
me: (I am suddenly really uncomfortable and growing angry) "What are you talking about? I didn't hear your question at first. I thought you asked me what I was reading. When you clarified your question, I answered it. What is your F-ing problem?"
woman: "You know, it wasn't awkward until about 10 seconds ago when I started asking questions."
me: "Asking questions? What?"
woman: "If you loved to read you wouldn't mind me asking questions." (just stands there staring at me. shows no signs that she is going to stop harassing me)
me: (absolutely infuriated and totally triggered...completely uncomfortable in my own skin...feel like lambasting this woman but want to stay under control. I just start shaking my head. I stand up. Put on my jacket. Resist the temptation to say another word. And walk out the door and drive home, wondering what the heck just happened.)
I struggle with depression and anxiety and this interaction just prodded at my wounds. The feeling of "there is something wrong with me" was being reenforced. I felt like I was being accused of something and couldn't figure out the appropriate response. Was this woman really just harassing me and being a jerk or was I missing something? Was she expecting me to defend the fact that I was reading a book? Or that was I supposed to try to prove myself as a "lover of books?" Was she trying to scare me away for some reason? I think this woman felt like she somehow "won" our conversation. Could I have (should I have) said something differently? I mean, obviously, I could have been more tactful in my responses but I was totally caught off guard. I couldn't possibly have expected someone to walk up and start criticizing me for reading a book...insinuating that I was pretending to read and that I was trying to look cool or learned or something. I mean....what the heck was that all about?
Thanks for reading my story.
Comments
There isn't something wrong with you because of your choice to read a book in a loud bar. But it's also not normal behavior. Out of the norm for that setting. And, in a generally social atmosphere, someone interacted with you when you were not feeling social.
I believe the socially accepted norm is to read e-books on your phone . . . Being harassed by women at bars, smile, seems like a good hobby . . .
I would say first, a lot of it (as you explained your side) just seems to be miscommunication, caused by difficulty in hearing and misunderstanding. You didn't do anything wrong.
Her suggestions not to be "that guy" in the bar seem to me to imply she has some experience having seen guys, or other people, who work hard to be different, but saying "see? I'm in this funk music bar and I'm reading a book, I'm unique, so you should notice me." While I'm no saying you were doing that, clearly you weren't, I know the type of people she is talking about so i can see what she was saying. That doesn't make it ok for her to approach you and accuse you of that behavior when she doesn't know you.
It just seems to me like she was intrigued by your book reading and wanted to see what your motivations were,and the conversation didn't go well for several reasons. I wouldn't worry about it. It's not a judgement about who you are as a person, or her either. It's also quite possible she had some to drink and wasn't making much logical sense, either. I've had some bizarre conversations in the past when I've been at bars. It's just a strange environment full of people who are not mindful and are acting out of the effect of alcohol, or drugs. I wouldn't read much into it. It's not a reflection of who you are.
Now, to get to the root of the problem with your anxiety, I am the same way. But I have learned my awkwardness is all in my mind. Not a single person is paying attention to me, at least not until I am trying to do something to cover up my anxiety. The more we try to cover it up, the more odd we appear to others, or at least that is my experience. We don't even know what to do with our arms/hands when we are standing in line somewhere. It's kind of funny when you think about it, because most of us are like that to a degree and yet when you consider it from the other side, how often do you check out every person you see in line, or at a bar, and determine if they are being awkward or not? Probably not often. I know it's much easier said than done, but with practice, it gets better (both meditation practice and just practice with not feeling awkward). When you are yourself, people don't notice you are awkward. When you are worried about being perceived as awkward, you just draw attention to yourself and then you stand out.
Well at least it is over at the moment, try coming back to yourself (sort of meditation) and don't beat yourself up too much over it, otherwise you letting her win
You are just fine, sometimes chicks just do that when no one pays attention to them XD
If it happens again just state what is true and let the other person act like a pestering idiot, no need to really defend yourself much. And if necessary just pretend you got a call on your phone or whatever communication device you have and leave the room
As one book worm to another, pretending to text/call somebody usually works as a good barrier.
isnt human interaction akward all the time ??
I was a bartender for a few years. People go to bars with the intention to drink things which turn them into stupid assholes, so if you choose to hang out in bars she will not be the last stupid asshole you encounter.
When you are yourself, people don't notice you are awkward. When you are worried about being perceived as awkward, you just draw attention to yourself and then you stand out.
Thanks for your response, karasti.
I wouldn't say that I was reading in an attempt to not be perceived as awkward. On the contrary, I am aware that it is out-of-the-ordinary but I try not to be concerned that people might find my behavior strange. It is more of a centering activity to prevent my own internal anxiety from running away with me. What I find strange (and unpleasant) is drinking way too much and then go around trying to have a conversation in a bar that is so loud that no one can hear each other. If it wasn't so crowded I would have happily danced around a bit watching the musicians.
Haha. True. Unfortunately the venue for live music is most often at bars.
It's funny the things that are considered acceptable. Being drunk and annoying is perfectly fine, but reading a book is not, LOL.
I often bring my kindle with so that I can read as well while I wait, or whatever. No one usually bothers me but they probably assuming I'm playing angry birds instead of reading.
Was this woman really just harassing me and being a jerk or was I missing something? Was she expecting me to defend the fact that I was reading a book? Or that was I supposed to try to prove myself as a "lover of books?" Was she trying to scare me away for some reason? I think this woman felt like she somehow "won" our conversation. Could I have (should I have) said something differently?
I mean, obviously, I could have been more tactful in my responses but I was totally caught off guard. I couldn't possibly have expected someone to walk up and start criticizing me for reading a book...insinuating that I was pretending to read and that I was trying to look cool or learned or something. I mean....what the heck was that all about?
Who can know what actually happened but you and her I guess - to speculate however:
As I read it, she made the effort to walk to you and speak to you in a bar... she was providing you with an opportunity to interact along the entire spectrum of the man:woman experience.
Usually, it is the man that makes the first move. You were obviously intriguing enough for her to know that you wouldn't be making any move so it seems to me she gave you several opportunities. Note her tattoo, I'm just like you. Don't be that man, I've known them etc.
You were too uptight however as it seems you were focusing on your issues rather than being there with her.
I've found that in the main women can read these situations better than men - if I extrapolate from her forwardness, I could suppose that she likes people like you and knows how to make the move for what she wants - I think therefore based on this that your reaction was extreme and not appropriate to the situation.
She says 'Hi, I want to be your friend and play with your pink bits!' and you say 'Noone wants me, how are you planning to hurt me, F-off'.
I think it could have ended with you guys getting it on but instead, it has reinforced existing hurt and confusion.
Thanks for your response, @Zero
I think there is some truth to this. Certainly I have my own insecurities which were triggered. However, I feel like I was friendly and open for the first half of the conversation but at a certain point realized that I sensed no friendliness coming from her whatsoever. It did reinforce existing hurt and confusion, that is for sure.
If I hadn't gotten defensive and instead asked if she wanted to go have a conversation elsewhere, perhaps the unpleasant ending could have been avoided, and I could have figured out for sure if she was coming on to me or if she was just being judgmental. I will never know for sure now. My experience was that she was being judgmental and condescending, but I am aware that different people's experiences of the same situation vary based on their previous experiences.
I used to have this problem, but have substantially solved it with meditation. That took me a long time, though, and in the meantime there was cymbalta. You might ask your doctor about it. I hear its patent expires soon, so it may get a lot cheaper.
xxx great answers guys . . . hope @thegoldeneternity is feeling better . . . be kind, smile, try to know that we reflect and attract . . .
I wonder if you had approached (appreciate you might not) a reading geek at a bar how it might end well without the internal anxiety/noise . . .
Personally I would wear earphones if I did not wish to converse. Perhaps you, like her, wish to connect . . . most of us are only human after all . . .
Thanks everyone for not trivializing my anxiety surrounding this issue. I appreciate your responses. @lobster, I am feeling better. I told my story to a friend. He said that he appreciates how uncomfortable it must have been for me in the moment, but then he laughed and thought it was very amusing. It helped me see the comedy in the whole thing and bring some levity to my heart. I will keep working on this life project I have going on, paying attention to these things in my heart and mind and tomorrow is another day.
I have a pet wussy!
you that read wrong!
you read that wrong too!
The non verbal gesture, to me, speaks volumes! Where she rolled up her sleeve, that was a loving gesture! She took a risk for love, and on this occasion it didn't quite pay off.
Oh and for some reason I thought of this song and thought it appropriate. This is my gesture and my only hope is that it is received lightly and in good spirit
That was just miscommunication. Don't let it bother you. If it comes up again, don't judge it, analyze it, comment on it, just observe it in your head and let it go. Breathe in and out and let it go. Do it every time it comes up in your head.