How to be kind
yagr
Veteran
No answers, just a question.
I try to be kind to others. One of the greatest tools that I have at my disposal to accomplish this is my friends. I have three. My father, my wife and, though it may seem odd to some, my spirit animal which might be thought about as the primitive brain crossed with my idea of the inner child. The three give me quite a bit of breadth in my efforts. My father as a man and an elder, my wife as both a woman and a contemporary or peer and my spirit animal as a child. When faced with a situation where I am not sure of the kindest thing to do in a given situation, I can imagine that it is my father, my wife or the child, depending upon the individual impacted by my act, and act accordingly.
Unfortunately, sometimes I still can't figure it out. When an acquaintance approaches me and asks me what my doctor had to say on my last visit and they proceed to dispense medical advice for the next hour, I find myself wondering if I should ask them how their lumberjack career made them so knowledgeable about such things. If I did, I'd no doubt hear about how their sister's friend's ex-husbands dog-walker's dentist once had something similar and this is what he did.
Some might find it an act of kindness if I would simply listen to them. Some might consider it respectful and a kindness if I was blunt and told them I really didn't want to discuss it, I would be happy if they could simply empathize. Or maybe the skid row alcoholic who is in the midst of the shakes - is it kinder to buy him a bottle to ease his shakes while talking to him and seeing if he might be interested in seeking treatment - or maybe just sit and listen to whatever he is interested in discussing because he doesn't have a lot of people who want to give him the time.
I feel like both these examples are rather poor, but I am heading out the door to my nephews play in a moment and didn't have as much time as I'd like to find better examples. Forget my examples if it helps, how do you determine what the kindest thing to do in a situation is when whatever tools you have for figuring out such things doesn't work?
Comments
It's difficult to be kind if you don't start with compassion. If you look to these people trying to understand them, their intentions, their suffering, being kind becomes easier. You may also consider these acquaintances as your teachers, because they give you the great opportunity to improve your patience, your kindness and your compassion. Only the people who annoys us give us this gift.
Besides, you cannot measure your kindness by its effects in the situations. The matter is not if it "works" or not. The only thing that is up to you is to choose how to act, regardless of the outcomes.
Remember that in being kind one must not forget being kind to the kindness provider. You can start with their needs. For example do they have a need to be kind . . .
Well, back from the play...
@Rodrigo - Thank you for your response. It is certainly compassion that drives the desire to be kind. Here though, is perhaps a better example, which I thought of on the drive home: Thirty years ago, compassion drove me to introduce my father to Buddhism; he was not receptive. Kindness and respect led me to let the matter go. Eight years ago, while finding flaws in his personal religious beliefs while dealing with the death of my step-mother and completely miserable, I tried again to introduce him to some Buddhist principles and ideas. In all of my forty-nine years, he has yelled at me exactly once...that was the time.
Kindness dictates, at least in my opinion, that I let it go and allow dad the dignity to follow his own path without further interference from me. But it is kindness to do so? I believe it is, but the Buddha said that the only way to even begin to pay our parents back is to introduce them to the dharma. Since continuing to talk to him about this will have the opposite effect, I'll simply try to set an example of equanimity in the face of adversity and a generally happy state of being. Though this too might not be a clear cut example of the potential for confusion surrounding how to be kind...it's probably closer than I managed in my first post.
@yagr, perhaps true kindness involves letting go what we think would be better for other people and just being there when needed. You can't force anyone into the dharma. The best way to show the benefits of dharma practice is through your own life. You have the best intentions, but sometimes our kindness have limits.
This is close to home for me lately, and it looks like @anataman has something like this up for him too.
The word 'kind' is derived from 'kindred' I think, and from that it is the mild, inclusive and supportive behavior we extend to kindred which in reality, is everyone, not just relatives. My problem wasn't usually being kind to others at least in deed, but regarding myself as just another person who benefited from kindness. Up until a few years ago it didn't occur to me that I benefited from kindness from my own self back to me, and that it was OK to sort of be a guardian at the gates and allow or prevent other people's behavior to get through. Sounds really weird, probably, it's very subjective.
Is it kind to allow other people to behave badly toward you? It sure doesn't sound like it. Sometimes it seems easier than the alternative though, but that is not a decision made with kindness in mind.
There is a passage from the Tao te ching that has stuck with me relating to this issue.
The next best is a leader who is loved and praised.
Next comes the one who is feared.
The worst one is the leader that is despised …
When they have accomplished their task,
the people say, “Amazing!
We did it, all by ourselves!”
My own family knows I'm a Buddhist but we never really talk about it. But over the years I can see that they have seen some of the change in me and have incorporated some of those same lessons into their own lives. They didn't do it because I told them about anything, they don't practice "Buddhism" but they've certainly incorporated the Dharma into their hearts.
Agreed. As I've told my own children, in order to help another, you must first understand what help for them would be. And yes, the example above is just another example and it fails to fully encapsulate what I mean. I really don't know why I looked for generic examples when I've got one staring me in the face at the moment...
My wife and I have just been evicted. Our lease is up on December of 2015. The reason for the eviction is ultimately because we are not Christians. Right or wrong, legal or not, that is the reason. We have chosen to simply move and not take legal action. A month ago he asked me about my religious/spiritual beliefs and I shared them. He ended up screaming at both my wife and I for quite some time. I took a path of no resistance and got a face full of spittle - which is fine, it washed off.
The next day he acted like nothing had occurred. Three days later, he went ballistic on us again under the guise of leaving a light on in the house while we were gone - we pay the electric bill, it was clearly not the reason. A week later, after a couple of benign conversations, we were the recipients of another one sided screaming match. We would have moved ourselves but we had no options. Him evicting us gave us some options though and we are currently in the process of moving.
But here's the thing: in between these abusive episodes are periods of pleasantries in which he inquires about my health, my wife's job, the medical tests I had been waiting on, etc. I have no desire to talk to him. Telling him this would probably cause more problems. Not telling him this leads to me sharing personal information with him - which is what started the problem... or me lying and simply making something up. Unfortunately, we have dealings outside of the rental situation and so I shall continue to see him and interact with him regularly.
I've got no problem with feeling compassion for the guy - no one desires to be that unstable, but I've also got compassion for myself and my family - and we have no desire to be the recipients of his vitriol. I want to be as kind as possible to this guy for both selfish and unselfish reasons, but I simply don't know what that looks like.
I tried to be generic in this thread before now because I'm looking for a response that is portable - that I can use in other situations that may or may not be similar but are as equal confusing.
I love that passage and have quoted it liberally for years. As for your second point, I belong to an organization in which you will regularly hear, "attraction not promotion" and I agree with you there as well. I may have misled you (or others) with the idea that I tried to convert dad, and that would not be accurate.
The first time it was discussed, he asked as he knew that I had stopped going to the church of my youth. The second was more selfish; it was tearing me up watching him suffer so much over the death of my step-mom. I really thought that he might find some solace in a different way of looking at death; I was wrong. It's been eight years since she's died and he's missed three days at the cemetery in all that time...it was during quad bypass surgery - and he asked me to go in his place until he could return.
My first Buddhist teacher summed up Buddhism as first do no harm, then if you can be kind.
So in situations were the kind thing isn't so apparent you're at least doing no harm. I can't really see a good way to be kind to the guy except just to try being patient and kind.
@yagr, I'm very sorry to hear that you've been through this. I don't know how you should act, I don't have any more answers. But I hope you find some way to deal with this that's beneficial to you and your wife.
@Rodrigo - you shared a lot I can take with me, thank you.
You have a contractual lease which the landlord seeks to violate rather egregiously. Allowing him to get away with it will only empower him to treat other tenants in the same fashion.
We too are fighting eviction and are doing so tooth and nail.
'Kind' doesn't necessarily mean 'nice'.
While I strive, morning noon and night to cultivate benign boundless compassion for our landlord, I'm damned if I'm going to be steam-rollered into making myself homeless.
They have used every trick in the book to shift us, but I won't go into detail on public forum.
Suffice to say, they will not win, and we shall not shift until there is no option but to leave, as we inevitably shall.
But we will do so lawfully, correctly and by 'the book'.
Not because we are being bullied, harassed and coerced forcibly by someone heartless and unscrupulous.
The real world experiences must dictate our possibilities that @federica describes.
We are not all of this calibre:
http://www.101zenstories.com/index.php?story=44
A Zen Master lived the simplest kind of life in a little hut at the foot of a mountain. One evening, while he was away, a thief sneaked into the hut only to find there was nothing in it to steal. The Zen Master returned and found him. "You have come a long way to visit me," he told the prowler, "and you should not return empty handed. Please take my clothes as a gift." The thief was bewildered, but he took the clothes and ran away. The Master sat naked, watching the moon. "Poor fellow," he mused, " I wish I could give him this beautiful moon."
http://users.rider.edu/~suler/zenstory/moon.html
Sitting naked, staring at the moon is not a feasible response for most of us. Taking such teachings and applying them to our situation may be inappropriate.
So again the reminder to be kind to your needs in a realistic way. What that is may depend on the situation.
Perhaps an example. I was being reminded of the 'virtues' of leaving ones door unlocked at a retreat centre. I did, having naive idealisations until something was stolen. Sadly not everyone is following the ideal and we can not encourage their limitations by easing their less than ideal behaviour. We become complicit in it.
I understand there's a Tibetan proverb, "Treat all beings as Buddha, but keep your hand on your wallet."
It is difficult to be kind all the time and to everyone. Good luck!