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Working with difficult situations
MeisterBob
Mindful AgnathiestCT , USA Veteran
A reoccurring difficult situation for me is my commute to work. It's not long but it's always congested on one of the areas crappiest highways I95. I leave early at 6 am so I can leave early at 2:30 in the afternoon to avoid traffic both ways but to little avail.
Anyhow I watch the anger rise. I hear the choice words on my mind. Not always but often enough. I don't act on it-no road rage . Don't want to make a situation into a "problem" but I feel I could do better. ...
I know it might seem trivial. Waiting in lines doesn't bother me. Bigger issues come and go....
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I commute about 35-45 mins each day. I started using something I read in an article called ' My metta mobile". The author never really got into detail about how....so this is sort of where I went with it. ......
I imagine/think what that person's situation might be. Maybe that young kid cut me off bec he's thinking how in the world is he going to pay for college with the 2 min wage jobs he's working? Maybe that woman is not paying attention and on her phone bec her children never call and she couldn't pass up this opportunity to hear her son's voice and find out about the grandkids. Maybe that 90 yr old woman who's driving too slow doesn't have anyone to run errands for her. Maybe that woman with the 3 kids in the car can't afford car insurance and is worried what would happen if we got into a fender bender. Maybe most of these people on this road are good, honest, hard working people who are just trying to get to work like me, and haven't seen a stranger smile or jam out in the car! ..
.. Some days I have a CD with chanting or mantras playing...some days...I'm the person you see dancing and cuttin' a rug in the car. Using the steering wheel for a drum as we creep along... :rocker: ....
You get the idea .....
@Vastmind. I like that a lot. Compassion isn't part of the equation when I'm driving often. I may need to use one of federica's post it notes on my dash. Metta mobile!
@MeisterBob if you can sink your mobile to your car stereo you can listen to buddhist lectures whilst driving! Cup of coffee, buddhist lecture for 30 minutes! Your day is set !
Sync*
My phone connects as soon as I'm near my car! Got 4G so hopefully it won't buffer. Great idea! Bob
Now this is where all the lovely theory we think we have down pat totally fails us.
Some time or another throughout the day, you'll come up with situations like this where the fuse runs short. And all the metta, lojong and tonglen in the world will beam at you ironically from the pages of the books but you'll miserably fail to relate them to your own reality.
If as you describe, congestion is an everyday occurrence, the sooner you find your way through the anger it provokes the better. Lashing out won't help, because tomorrow you'll be putting yourself through the same predicament.
You might consider it your personal daily exercise to work with anger management and patience.
Simply accept things don't need (and won't) go your way much of the time and then do something you enjoy out of it instead.
As @Vastmind and @Earthninja suggested, cds, audio-books might be a good wholesome alternative, especially if you don't have much time to read during the day.
My husband gets so upset during congestions, and watched from outside, it's so useless because he can't change the situation and gets us all on the frustration boat with him.
I use this as my particular moment to do some breathing meditation in order to get his anger out of my system.
Where the "rubber meets the road" literally and figuratively! Yes I like the idea to remember these moments are an opportunity. Bob
I remember having to commute on I-95 back when I lived in Virginia. Oy! Back then I listened to a lot of talk radio...now, that would probably be too provocative for me. I'd choose music.
Indeed.
Do they do oil burners for cars? Shrine in a glove box? Mantraing (well OK chanting) at the points of congestion. You haz mobile temple! Ten blessings practice. Listening to dharma talks. @dharmamom said it well . . . return to the breath, soften it . . .
They have music in cars? Eh Ma Ho (Tibetan - 'how wonderful')
I do the same thing as...whoever said to change the story. Instead of just being POd because they are in your way, think of positive ways to see them. Also, remember, you are part of traffic. Traffic wouldn't exist if you weren't there, too.
I have a couple meditation music cds and I've worn out my JK-Z cd . Time to diversify.
An important thought is my physical health. Lately my carpal tunnel has been flaring up. Very painful at night while trying to sleep. It woke me up at least 3 times last night and this morning it was hard to focus and I was irritable.....Braces don't seem to work. Need to do something about it.
I would suggest seeing a reflexologist.
Seriously, I would.
My mother is a fully-qualified reflexologist. She not only prevented someone from being operated on for such a condition, she also got somebody out of a wheelchair for the first time in 2 years, due to misdiagnosed neural deterioration in their spine. After 9 treatments, they were able to walk again!
@MeisterBob
What is an expectation?
What is accepting where you are?
This issue is no more trivial than your practice is. If bigger issues come and go..then perhaps they were not really bigger issues.
Hey MeisterBob i know what your trying to work on, & it sounds to me like your doing the practice slightly wrong..If your commute to work used to or still does make you angry or stress you out etc, then your commute to work is still the exact practice you need to do in order to become a person, that doesn't get angry or stressed out in general..What you should do is drive to work in complete silence with no radio playing, & only concentrate on the driving & views..The practice is to not think about anything else at all while you drive, & you have to keep refocusing your attention on only driving..So if someone cuts you up or your sat in a traffic jam & you feel the anger arising, that is the exact time you have to refocus on your driving & you have to really concentrate..Never ever sit there wondering why the person cut you up etc, as those are things you will never know..So whenever you find yourself lost in thoughts, always refocus on your driving..The aim of all this mindful stuff is too weaken our emotional minds control over our thinking, so the less we think about other things than the thing we're actually doing at the time the less strength we give to our emotional mind..
A little thing that helped reduce my commute tension was -- when I got into real traffic jams I would turn off the radio and just start repeating to myself, "To the Buddha I go for refuge, to the Dhamma I go for refuge, to the Sangha I go for refuge." It really worked for me.
I mixed it up yesterday on the ride home. As much as I love Jon kabot-zinns audiobook after a year I haven't memorized it and it d's easy to zone it out. Listened to a chant "om shanti om" on YouTube instead thanks to Earthninja,'s syncing suggestion. Very calming. Perhaps I will try my own next time. ...
... Bob
All the advice given here is exactly what I would've suggested. For whatever reason, when I do get into severe traffic, I am not triggered and remain mellow tho there are plenty of other situations where I 'watch the anger rise'.
All this excellent advice said . . . there are times to quash or ignore the un-useful emotion. What I started thinking while reading along here is what about going THROUGH the emotion, coming out the other side, taking it apart from the inside on your way out.
I can sure see how there are un-useful feelings that ought to be chucked in the garbage, period, end of story. They serve no purpose but suffering, and it's not like we're going to be driving hover cars any time soon or that traffic on that freeway is going to get better.
I'm thinking in a more existential way . . . the 'wasted' time of the commute might be part of your anger, and understandably so.
If this is part of the anger, all the advice here has incredible usefulness.
If it is anger with the other drivers, what is that about? Are you taking the traffic personally? Are other drivers doing things that anger you? Certainly if it happens in traffic, it happens elsewhere and ruins your day there, too.
Just some thoughts.
Yes wanting the moment to be different,doing something else. For the last 18 years Ive been pretty much assured every day to be stuck in traffic... Ive had good days and bad days. If the anger-fire is kindled I'll focus on other drivers doing stupid things-and they do. I watched myself doing it and sort of monitor my reactions. Guess it could be worse. As I mentioned earlier lack of sleep doesn't help either. When I get a poor nights sleep I feel foggy and more easily irritated. Bob
I think it is completely understandable if this is even more existential than that. What the F&CK am I doing spending hours of my life creeping along with people cutting me off to get ten feet ahead of me? This is WASTING MY LIFE!!! I'd rather be with my family, golfing, tossing the tennis ball for the dog, meditating, arguing on the New Buddhist forum!
Then, back to the MP3's or CDs of teachings. I have several stick of my fave incense in my car. I don't light them but I could, I suppose. Smells go right to your reptile brain and can quickly alter your mood if the anger just starts feeling stupid.
Smouldering frequent anger is apparently not good for your cardiovascular system, causes inflammatory changes in the blood vessels, etc, which lead to areas where clots and obstructions can grow. I have a very hard time 'accepting' my anger for what it is, and strive to decide if it is useful or not.
Kia Ora,
It's that damned amygdala working overtime that does it...
Metta Shoshin
If you're getting that PO'd on a short commute, probably the best thing you could do is get professional help.
A commute to work is nothing to get all bent outta shape about. It's just a drive. It's either fast or slow, but it is what it is. Just something to do.
Sounds like your obsessing to an absurd level and a counselor can help you identify the cause of your obsessing and help find a constructive and effective way to deal with it.
In the meantime try riding the bus. Let someone else deal with the traffic and you can read a dharma book.
Or Road and Track.
Or play solitaire on your iPhone.
Personally I reather doubt mantra recitation will do much good in the long run.
Every morning in many parts of the world, 'obstructions' slow us down. Today on the bus I observed excited Italian tourists of all ages, taking pictures of the bus garage we were leaving, the petrol station we passed. Observing ordinary traffic and everyday London street scenes as wonderful revelation. Will they be so enthralled back in the congested Roman streets that many would be delighted by?
A friend received letters for years from a nephew in Kenya about a walk of a few miles through 'ordinary' traffic and streets that we took . . .
We are in our environment and yet our dukkha attracted self wants to be in another delusion to grow tired of . . .
Can we reconnect afresh each day? Find wonderment and awe?
With practice. :wave: .
I think everyone has these moments. Perfect time to utilize a still mind. Compared to the millions of things that could possibly go wrong, sitting in traffic can be a walk in the park. Try doing something to keep your mind off traffic, or if you can, watch your mind go from calm, to stress, then back to calm. When we latch on to our thoughts during stress, it can really ruin our day.
Sounds like your obsessing to an absurd level and a counselor can help you identify the cause of your obsessing and help find a constructive and effective way to deal with it. In the meantime try riding the bus. Let someone else deal with the traffic and you can read a dharma book. Or Road and Track.
Or play solitaire on your iPhone. Personally I reather doubt mantra recitation will do much good in the long run.
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Really? seems radical and I wouldn't consider myself "obsessing to an absurd level" .If I was acting out on my anger, aggravation in some way,maybe, but as I said I'm not. Bob
No not really. Sounds pretty normal to me. Who doesn't get cranky in traffic?
(I don't.....)
I'm just trying to empathize here. I don't have to commute, but if I did I'm sure I would be flipping the bird and laying on the horn routinely.
I don't think Bob is obsessing. Like I said he sounds pretty normal to me.
You're right, @vinlyn. More than once, when I'm on the verge or "flipping the bird," as @robot so nicely put it, repeating the refuge vows refocuses me on the spot.
Reminding myself of my aspiration to be a better person and what values I strive to stand for, is invariably the perfect cure for anger. In fact, I also do a lot of mantra chanting while hubby is having his meltdown at congestion.
Bravo. For those of us of a more samsaran disposition . . . Is it time to learn to sing along to the politically incorrect, comedic songs that keep us rolling. I have been singing this on my bike instead of chanting . . .
or how about instigating a car flash mob . . .
I don't get cranky in traffic. Ever. Never have.
The people I see in traffic are dealing well, too.
It seems to me that getting bent in traffic at least to the level descibed is ABnormal
@MeisterBob. What would happen if instead of the label anger you use the label frustration. Frustration is I think is easier to deal with than anger. Perhaps it also easier to extend pardon to ourselves/others when thinking of frustration.
I travelled 1-95 quite a few years ago when it was not uncommon for motorists to exchange gunshots. Fortunately that sort of rage resulted in few injuries.
Yeah that would be a good way to describe it. The anger arises(depending on my mood to begin with) from the frustration of the same thing day in and day out for 18 years straight. Funny it changes of course- its gotten much "worse" lol!.
The people I see in traffic are dealing well, too.
It seems to me that getting bent in traffic at least to the level descibed is ABnormal
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Clearly you never drove on I95 in the NYC area during rush hour which happens to be most of the day. Many many drivers are very wound up. There is a fender bender virtually every day from people following to closely. If there is a samsara capital I live in it. From what Ive seen my reaction is calm. Bob
Kia Ora @MeisterBob,
The ideal opportunity to practice calm abiding patience...Count yourself lucky, it's not everyday that someone gets such an opportunity to sharpen their Dharma skills...
Just think...Look on the bright side you'll have reached Buddhahood when you retire .
..
Metta Shoshin
No, I haven't been on I95 at rush hour.
I HAVE driven on I25 and I70 in rush hour. I've also driven the Santa Monica, San Diego, Garden Grove, Hollywood, Santa Ana (So Cal) at rush hour. I've driven i35E & W at rush hour. I've driven around LA, Boston, Winnepeg, the Twin Cities, Denver, Colorado Springs, San Francisco and many other large metros as rush hour and in all sorts conditions.
So I think I know something about driving in congested conditions.
If your reaction is calm, then why are you asking for help in dealing with it. I gave you sound advice, perhaps better than anything else given. You seem to have anger issues with associated driving. Anger issues are best dealt with by professionals.
You ask for help, then you try to re-color the issue by saying many others are just as angry. I would say they need the same kind of help.
But seriously. If your anger at driving is as bad as you describe, get professional help. If you want, find a counselor with Buddhist leanings.
@ Chaz "My actions are my only true belongings." Thich Nhat Hanh
Like I said if I behaved poorly, acted out some way , perhaps your advice would seem reasonable. But seriously your advice elevates an appropriate response to dealing with my frustration to an "absurd level" -to use your own words. Bob
Telling someone they have a problem, and then persisting and continuing to insist that they have a problem, is to ask someone in a placid mood, whether they have a problem with being poked in the chest, continually - all the while, poking them in the chest.
At one point or another, their demeanour and mood will escalate, and they will resent being poked in the chest, and angrily say so.
At which point, the poker-in-the-chest will say "ah, you see mate, you've got Anger Issues. you need to see someone about those, before you do some damage to yourself!"
Well, Bob said he had a problem (in so may words) and asked for advice in how to deal with it.
To be truthfull, he used the word "situation" and also said he was hoping to avoid a problem.
To get angry, even in rush hour traffic is absurd, because it serves no purpose except to create a problem.
He also said he could sense the anger ariseing. I'd say he was already angry.
Anger issues, especially absurd ones are best dealt with by professionals. A professional would look into the root cause (why do you get angry in traffic) and deal with that
Offering that advice is no different than suggesting meditation or mantra. I also suggested mass transit. Bob can follow it or not as he sees fit.
@Chaz...no never said I was "hoping to avoid a problem". I said I didn't want to "make a situation into a problem". In other words make a situation bigger by seeing it as a problem. Geez...really...who is being absurd here? I guess you never get angry.
I wouldn't bet on it.... I would say @Chaz can be a real demon when roused. but I suspect, if i read him at all (which may not be the case!) it's over pretty quickly....as long as others around him let it drop...
I could be wrong though.
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Hey @MeisterBob - any chance you could get out of the car and catch public transport? Much less stressful and gives one the opportunity to sit with eyes closed and meditate.
It would make for a more difficult commute... Perhaps I made this seem bigger than it is. Its just I know it can be more harmonious without me getting in the way- like anything else that I find annoying, frustrating,etc. Lots of options. Bob
I hear ya brother......the Buddha said something along the lines that we all have 83 problems at any one time. By trying to get rid of these problems we then have 84.
It's a tendancy of the forum. If I am answering a post I answer it thinking I am wise like Yoda.
But when I ask a thread I see the answers as showing me how unknowledgeable I am.
Perhaps it's only me who has that perception. I think a cause is that I have difficult situations or even just curious points. And I already know everything about them just I still ask questions to see if there are any different answers. For example I will ask about breathing in meditation. Related often I am unsure about my relationship with my girlfriend even though I know we are doing fine intellectually.
@MeisterBob
It is not the things that we meet in life that cause our suffering but the nature of our relationships to them.
Just as formal meditation is our teacher providing a static platform from which to be the observer of our relationships with phenomena, driving is our teacher providing the transitional teaching for how to do the same amidst activity.
Why should your driving not be your training center or monastery?
Lol... so true...every moment,every breath is an opportunity...and yet ...
Jon Kabot-Zinn
"We look for someplace else to stand, where we hope things will
be better, happier, more the way we want them to be"
Still find myself doing this obviously. At least I'm more aware of it .
In context....
"To allow ourselves to be truly in touch with where we already are, no matter where that is, we have got to pause in our experience long enough to let the present moment sink in; long enough to actually feel the present moment, to see it in its fullness, to hold it in awareness and thereby come to know and understand it better. Only then can we accept the truth of this moment of our life, learn from it, and move on. Instead, it often seems as if we are preoccupied with the past, with what has already happened, or with a future that hasn't arrived yet. We look for someplace else to stand, where we hope things will
be better, happier, more the way we want them to be, or the way they used to be. Most of the time we are only partially aware of this inner tension, if we are aware of it at all. What is more, we are also only partially aware at best of exactly what we are doing in and with our lives, and the effects our actions and, more subtly, our thoughts have on what we see and don't see, what we do and don't do." Jon Kabot-Zinn
@MeisterBob
It is just a question of the priority that you make of your practice in the only moment that you can exist in. This one evolving nano second. All the rest is just a mind growing hairy palms.
Each arising interaction with this moment is another being/another existence/another chance to practice. Even if your teacher says it is impossible to maintain...just tell them that there isn't really any other moment to test out that theory except in this one.
I would say it seems impossible to maintain...
:om: .
You sit mindfully. You continue into getting up and slowly practice mindful walking to the kitchen, for slow and mindful breakfast. Maintaining awareness you prepare for your drive, perhaps by keeping the attention on the breath. Slowly into the car, you stay in awareness and attention to the moment. You drive watching your experiencing of arisings.
You are practicing. You are attentive. You are on the path. It takes practice . . . so it seems . . .
OM MANI PEME HUM . . . one might say . . . z z z . . . and wide awake again . . .
Kia Ora,
I use chop sticks when eating Asian food (I eat a lot of Asian style food) so mindfulness is part and parcel of the meal...( especially when it comes to the grains of rice or meso soup) .
..
Metta Shoshin