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How does a buddhist deal with thinking too much about a girl they are close with
banned_crab
Veteran
She isnt my girlfriend but weve done intimate stuff. Ive been keeping my distance to avoid any potential power struggles because i feel like everything that I might say is just an attempt to grab her energy. Im afraid to become too attached to this person because im afraid to suffer from heart break. All I think about is her but theres nothing really to think about except thoughts. There are no problems yet I catch myself creating a problem in my head out of random insecurities. Thats why ive been avoiding her. What would a buddhist do in this situation? Ive tried everything that I can think of, all I want to do is avoid suffering and attachment.
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You don't have to be a Buddhist to do the right thing.
You're already over-attached.
The thing to do is to go complete total No Contact, because it's the only way you will ever get over the excessive closeness.
This attachment has nothing whatsoever to do with Buddhism. It has everything to do with unrequited love.
I will send you the No Contact Guide as a PM. It's heartily recommended by the broken-hearted everywhere, and works. But only as long as you implement it 100%, 100% of the time.
okay send it but dont close my thread
I only close your threads when you talk pointlessly about something you have absolutely no intention of following advice about. As has been proven before with all the repetitive threads you've posted.
.
If you follow the advice given, and don't keep asking the same thing over and over and over again, and rather, take and follow the good counsel you receive - you'll be fine, won't you?
Dude you are in love. Whats the point in avoiding it/her? Why do you want to avoid?
Is there any sustenance to your wanting to avoid?
Kr
V
>
Because this love leads to attachment. And attachment leads to suffering from being deprived of it.
I tried that No contant thing before it just made me depressed
Are you prepared for the monastic life then?
I am not kidding around. I was on the edge of becoming a monk when I met my current spouse.
It is a decision to make. If you are gonna live a householders life you need a spouse.
In that case you gotta ask yourself if this is the one?
If she is then go for it. Or are you gonna go monk soon?
Then you're doing it wrong. Trust me - I know.
And the 'No Contact' thing making you depressed? You have to understand that the only thing making you depressed, is you. And that's not an insult - think about it. It's true. The guide is a non-active thing. It has to be implemented by you. If you do it wrong, it won't work. If you do it wrong, it's you who feels bad. The Guide is just the guide. How you react to it, is of your making....
I'm not sure if I'm wording this with skill but this doesn't sound like love as I know it. Do you love her or are you lusting after her? Do you genuinely want her to be happy or do you wish to possess her?
If she is happy, you cannot be deprived of her happiness even if you are not with her romantically. You can only be deprived if there is a sense of entitlement.
I used to set myself up for falls all the time thinking I wasn't good enough only to find out that if I had taken the chance things would have been different.
@heyiamacrab, you are impressing me a LOT, actually. You are aware that you want to grasp onto her energy. This is an impressive insight.
This is a psychological issue having to do with how you connect with other people. Your connections tend to end up serving YOU rather than being mutually beneficial, for you and the other person?
The reason this attachment occurs is because there is no connection within you to a source of comfort, energy, interest, inspiration. So you try to get that attachment to another person and use THEIR comfort, energy and so on for yourself. It is a bit vampire-ish, as you know. People end up running for their lives away from you because it feels to them like you are sucking out their soul.
I don't know what the answer is for you, other than to find some experienced person in your life to learn to trust. A therapist or dharma teacher perhaps? You need to learn to trust someone trustworthy, and that will fill up that emptiness you use other people to try and fill (which causes them to run for their lives, they have their OWN life to live, not yours too).
when i see a beautiful women in the city while standing in a line at a cofee shop or something, i can't help but imagine her turning into a big harry man before my very eyes that has a scruffy beard and muscles, and a big tummy, that she could have in her rounds of rebirth lol
Maybe it's all a bit like spiritual adherents who emphatically don't believe in something ... the harder you don't-believe, the greater the problem of belief. There is no escape from what is inescapable. And if something is inescapable, trying to escape is clearly going East in order to get to the West ... things go in the wrong direction.
Think of the atheist who, whether within or without, cannot shut up about not believing in G/god: In order not-to-believe, the first thing anyone has to do is to create the G/god they don't believe in. The result is the opposite of what is intended.
Running from cannot be outrun simply cannot solve the problem. What can solve the problem is attention and responsibility. Just watch and keep on watching and little by little, the problem runs out of steam. Not overnight, but bit by bit.
Go ahead and think about the object of your attachment. Don't try to outrun it. Don't try to bury it under a bunch of Buddhist (or any other) fine-sounding stuff. Just watch and watch and watch some more.
Just my best bet.
You're putting way too much into this. If you like the lady and she likes you, pursue her. Date her. Marry her if you want.
Trungpa taught that Buddhism is about being genuinely human. Buddhism isn't about sackcloth-and-ashes asceticism. You don't have to deny yourself one of life's great joys in order to be a Buddhist or follow the Path.
You're probably causing more suffering trying to distance yourself than if you tried courtship
@heyimacrab
**All I want to do is avoid suffering and attachment.
**
Even without the girl in the picture.....
everything that you want to hang onto or push away is a potential attachment and a cause for suffering.
Do you think that you are attached to** not** suffering, and if so, why would that not be in itself a cause for suffering?
When you can learn to observe your sense data without habitually manipulating that data, then you will have learned how to dissolve the cause for your suffering.
It is simply where meditation leads you.
If you can foster a higher value on a meditation practice than your practice of feeding the attachment, then you will be well on your way to addressing suffering's cause.
You can either try such a practice...or you can continue to mentally masticate over it
but you'll have to choose one or the other.
Kia Ora @heyimacrab,
Thus I have heard, that
lovedukkha hurts...However, like everything else in the land of anicca "This(the feelings now felt) too shall pass !" ...(if you give them free passage )..."Meditation-Meditation-Meditation"
You could try meditating on what you think it is that attracts you to her, then in turn start to break the attraction down, component by component, both the physical and the mental...
Metta Shoshin .
..
Don't live life in regrets my friend! Go for it but always brave yourself that she might not feel exactly the same for you. But then again she might.
Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all!
Lots of enlightened humans are married.
As long as you go into anything with your eyes wide open it's going to be fine.
Many people fail to realize that a logical approach won't work in matters of the heart. You may know what the right thing is, but you can't do it ... the heart won't let you. I know. I've been there. The only thing that works is staying with the feeling until it passes.
I try all the time to be giving. But sometimes theres nothing in me that wants to give. Im afraid to be a vampire around her thats all. I swear sometimes I just want to steal everybodies energy and other times I can give alot away. Thats why Relationships are difficult because you end up craving their energy even when im texting I feel like im just trying to steal energy.
If you could feel a true connection to something within your own 'self', you wouldn't feel so needy for other people's energy, you won't feel the need to control them or get them to do or say things just a certain way around you.
I still think you have an amazing insight, but for what it's worth, this is a huge problem in your life, it's caused all kinds of problems and left you feeling so lonely and other people trying to get away from you on one hand and liking you on the other hand (therefore, they feel confused about you).
The energy you want to gobble up from other people is INSIDE YOU. You have to go after your own energy. Other people's energy is for THEM, never for someone else to take or use unless they clearly give it to you.
I don't know how to tell you to find that connection within your own self. I just know that is what will help you have a MUCH better life and relationships. Other people live their lives the exact same way you do -- wanting, needing things, dreaming, feeling lonely, all exactly like you. So it makes wanting to suck up their energy seem really wrong! They need it for themselves!
So how do you find that energy (or whatever it is) inside your own self? So you can leave other people alone to be themselves and not what you want or need them to be to serve your needs of the moment?
Okay ill try to find my own energy. I used to try to give other people energy but it really drains me.
Ditto, ditto, ditto.
I think you're in love.
If you're in love and it's requitted, plunge into it.
If you're in love and it's not requitted, then work on the attachment papanca.
When you're in love, you can't help getting attached and yes, sometimes love hurts.
But you can't stay away from love just because you're afraid of getting hurt.
You will think of her all the time, you'll lust after her, you'll experience attachment and it's just fine. That's love. If you don't intend to follow a monastic path, go for it and don't overthink it too much!
What's the Buddhist approach? Buddhist people fall in love, get married, get divorced, get heart-broken, have kids like anyone else...!
Hey buddy if your afraid to get too attached or afraid to suffer heartbreak you need to face your fears, & learn how to not get too attached & to not suffer heartbreak....So you can't do any of that if your avoiding her, & it's not cool to avoid someone you we're once intimate with....If you don't face your fears now they will all come back somewhere down the line, & it'l just be a different girl....So see everything & everyone you meet & know as a chance to learn, & bear in mind that your learning about yourself....She is there to help you learn about yourself, & to help you master control of your emotions & feelings & thoughts just like everyone else you know....So give yourself & her a chance to do that, & you will become a better all round person who can help the next person in your situation....It might be a good idea to just be honest with her, & just tell her how you feel....Nothing is bad until it's played out fully, so don't avoid her play it out & see where it leads you....You have a golden chance right now to improve yourself mentally/emotionally so don't let the chance get away, learn emotions & feelings control & mindful meditation using only your senses, & don't avoid her other wise you will never learn anything worth learning....It's hard, but well worth it. :-)
This is good but it won't be easy. You need to be able to be honest with yourself when you cross that line into NEEDING the other person, as opposed to celebrating and enjoying the other person.
In a way, we all must learn this, nobody is perfect at true respect for the individuality of others in our life. We all tend to 'use' others and forget they exist for their own selves just like we do. It's easy to relate to another person as a means to an end, rather than a whole other "ME" trying to do the same thing I'm doing.
I don't know what you mean by 'giving other people energy'. I know what allowing other people to USE me feels like, is that what you mean? It's just as suffering-laden to use other people as it is to surrender your power to them.
Be firmly anchored in your own self, with a modicum of SELF RESPECT and awareness of all the other 'me's' out there trying to get their needs met.
This is great advice guys. I should be more honest about it, that feels better already. I just have to be more honest to my feelings instead of hide from them. And by Giving energy I mean to focus on the other person and give them love. It works!
@heyimacrab, Have you done with this, so far? Rather than add confusion, why don't I close this thread FOR THE TIME BEING.... You act on the good advice you've just had, see how things go, then come back and tell us how things are progressing and I WILL HAPPILY RE-OPEN THE THREAD for you, no problem....?
Don't you mean matters of vedana?
I dont understand you, your a buddhist but you despise me. All you do is shit on my threads. You just go out of your way to close my threads just to nurture your ego. Its the most annoying thing ive ever seen.
I'm trying to give you the time and space to process what has been suggested, and to prevent you from being over-bombarded with too much to think about. I clearly offered you the option to choose what to do with this thread. To SUSPEND it until you have had the opportunity to digest the help you have been given and to consider your next actions, without the pressure of more alternative counsel. The option to re-open it is entirely yours. Read the post.
If that's so, it should be his call on closing it. It's pretty clear he doesn't want that.
That said, your's would be a good policy to follow with any what-should-I-do thread. Most times, the advice is like a torrent. Stemming that isn't a bad idea.
I have occasionally done that with threads posted by new members when they have received much thoughtful counsel from members but have not managed to return a response. I have always re-opened threads on request.
This is why I was emphatic with giving @heyimacrab the choice. I'm fine with leaving it if that's his choice. I was merely trying to "relieve the pressure", if you will...
So you resume your whining again?
Seems to me you're beyond the age where you can get away with it without making a fool of yourself.
You don't need someone else to sh.. on your threads as you so delicately put it because you do a great job sh....ing on your own threads yourself.
We always play your Aunt Agga, have to put up with your misconceptions about Buddhism, while you look for approval as a way to preen your own extra-large ego.
That is the most annoying thing I myself have ever seen.
i cant stop thinking about it. I think my heart will be broken
Not necessarily. Love is not a bad thing.
And if you do get your heart broken, you'll get over it eventually.
We all have.
It depends on how you treat the lady, but also how available both are for a mature relationship.
Edit: Also, you sound like a spoilt brat.
You can't tell me at your age you have never been in contact with suffering.
Life has a suffering component to it. You can brace yourself through a Buddhist practice to better deal with affliction when it strikes, but once in a while, your heart will get broken.
Life does not always go the way you want it to.
But you can't remove yourself under a crystal dome and avoid situations that expose you to suffering.
You grow under the blow of suffering.
I try very hard to over come suffering, its not like im complaining. I come here in the hopes to find the end of suffering not to complain. You may look at me and say "his life is not that bad" but I dont like to judge suffering by content. The truth is tonight when I go to sleep part of me wishes that I dont ever wake up. Ive overcome suffering before thats why I havent been on here for a while. But it returned in the form of heartbreak. Everyday all I ever do is seek to find the end of suffering. You dont understand, its the only thing I want.
The problem is, you seek the end of suffering OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF when in fact, you are the source, the generator and the manufacturer of your own suffering.
And before you jump down my throat, let me add: WE ALL ARE.
Suffering is not something outside of yourself. Suffering is entirely man-made. And each (wo)man makes his own, by the bucket-load.
When you finally get, accept, understand and really, really KNOW that the problem is of your own making, then you might make progress.
@heyimacrab @federica @DhammaDragon
Your all here trying to help each other whilst trying to help yourselves. Same goals same motives. Only thing that differentiates us is that damned illusion which we all want to see through.
May all beings be well and free from suffering!
@Heyiamacrab look within, the answer is there. You already know what to do.
With metta
This has to do with how to make decisions and not get burned or waste your time.
http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes/
Problem is your striving to overcome suffering is like swimming upstream.
It doesn't work that way. You must learn how to face suffering, not how to avoid it.
If you measure your happiness by the absence of suffering in your life, then you're in for some big disappointments.
Suffering will invariably take place. It's YOU who has to learn how to handle situations where suffering is involved.
And if suffering cripples you to that point, then you should consider looking for professional help. Your case might be beyond the scope of our abilities.