When negative emotions feel good
zenguitar
Bad BuddhistNew England Veteran
Howdy, enlightened Sangha. We all know that indulging in negative emotions can cause lots of suffering in the long run. And some negative emotions are always painful (e.g. anxiety), so we naturally want to avoid them. But how do you deal with a negative emotion that is both powerful and apparently pleasurable at the start? For instance, say someone has shown you a lot of disrespect for a long time, or they have been unfair to you, and as a result you have been angry with them for quite a while. One day they do or say something that breaks the proverbial camel's back, and you let loose with a tirade of angry words. It feels good to release this anger, to waggle your finger at them, and strut about red-faced and shouting epithets. It makes you feel powerful (for once), you feel you are on the side of right, you feel you are a champion of the downtrodden (or at least of your own oppressed ego). It's about time someone told this guy off, you think triumphantly.
Of course, your outburst is most likely only going to cause you and others a lot of pain over the long term, but that realization often only comes after it's too late.
So, how do you deal with (and stop) seductively exhilarating negative emotions like self-righteous anger before they get out of hand?
Comments
It is because it feels good to communicate and let someone know how we feel. We have some truth that we were afraid to reveal. And now we are letting go of that pressure and there is a relief that we can tell it.
As you say we feel powerful and get high on the anger. And as you say all of the mistakes we make while angry rebound on us and may perhaps make things worse.
Yes well, there's no kind of indignation like righteous indignation is there?
I ask myself who it is that is getting angry. Who is this 'I' anyway? How on earth did 'I' get injured? Is it even possible for me to be injured?
And how about this fellow? What did he look like before he had a face? Is that who caused the injury? Who is his 'I' anyway?
It helps that I find such contemplations more compelling than anger.
4 NT & 8 FP
Seems like it would depend on the situation. It is difficult to stay hot headed and righteously angry the more fully you understand someone.
By understand, I mean 'get to know more intimately', where you get to the point you and the person who tortured you are more alike than different, in fact may be so similar that differences are negligible.
Ah vengeance is sweet, though, but all it is is abusing someone else who abused you first. In that event, the only difference is 'time' and that has been shown to be less a reliable measure than a kind of perception.
There's being a patsy, acting out of Idiot Metta/Karuna and being a doormat, and there's holding your ground, being stubborn, intransigent and an habitual 3-poisons addict. With diligent practice and the study of @how's contribution, one hopefully falls somewhere in between....
Practising mindfulness and developing wholesome mental states. Simple!
.
If only it were that simple...!
Some people push your buttons more easily than others. Or at least, that's my personal experience.
My besetting sin is harsh speech and no matter how very mindfully I munch away suttas, abide by the 4NT & N8P, when the blood boils, I simply see red.
Not with everyone. Not all the time.
Happened to me recently with one of the members of the forum, who invariably succeeds in getting my back up in nanoseconds.
He got banned, I got flagged and duly upbraided by compassionate mod who pulled out yellow card instead of having me banned too.
For a moment it felt good, I must own.
But then you're left with the bitter aftertaste that you could have done better than that.
Simple doesn't mean easy.
^^^Good to know!
>
Yeah go right ahead, steal my line, by all means...
.
If I'm mindful enough I try to 'pause, when agitated'. In the real world that means I bite my lip and tell myself to keep my fat mouth shut.
>
>
Practice makes perfect.
By no means there yet, but you'd be amazed how being in the right job, can teach the right things!
Tonglen
I would say first by knowing what is appropriate to direct your attention to. Then, directing your attention appropriately.
This is a good one too! http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn46/sn46.051.than.html
But of course it takes practice to be able to direct your attention to what you know is appropriatel to direct it to. Which is why daily meditation is such a valuable practice as it teaches you how to direct your attention. Once the skill is gained in directing your attention during meditation, that skill can then be used out in daily life to direct your attention onto skillful things and off of unskillful things.
you're being chewed by your thoughts.
Relinquishing what's inappropriate,
contemplate
appropriately.
This is also why metta practice is such a good practice too. If you can direct your mind to thoughts of metta for the person that is bothering you, that itself is the "awarness-release" that starves the hindrance of ill will of all it's energy.
Thank you everyone. I guess I sometimes have some trouble being able to distinguish between anger that is definitely bad and should be avoided completely, versus standing up for myself and not being a "patsy" or "doormat" as @federica pointed out. I think sometimes I go overboard trying too hard to be Mr Sensitive New Age Buddhist Guy, and I let myself get stepped on. And my ego doesn't like that (oh yes, it is lurking in the background all the time, and it is not so sure it likes this Buddhist stuff at all).
Your ego lurks in the background?
You're lucky!!
Mine's usually staring right at me, slapping the hell out of me, incessantly!
Yes, my problem is that "something" in me (my higher nature?) has decided to practice Buddhism, compassion, mindfulness, etc and be an all-around nice guy. For a while, my ego sits like a sullen toddler in the back seat of the car, watching all these enlightened antics for a while. But it doesn't take long before it gets tired, bored, angry. Then it screams and rebels at this goody-goody stuff. And it starts hitting me on the back of the head while I'm trying to drive the car (of my life), causing me to swerve and crash into the telephone poles of anger, greed, ignorance, and suffering.
Okay, enough bad metaphors for now..
EDIT: removed some redundant words
@zenguitar: problem with the meek, doormat stance is that they make your outbursts all the more disconcerting and unnatural whenever they happen.
My mom, who loves to hold my Buddhism against me when I'm in a railing fit, usually charges: "Isn't Buddhism supposed to be about peace and love?"
In those circumstances I remind her that samurais and ninjas are also part of the Buddhist tradition...
My problem has been that if I'm unglued, my voice gets high and whiney and I stop making much sense. It's hard to intimidate anyone like that, so the 'victim' of my rage usually gains the upper hand. I've found that sullen and cold works better. Mostly, I've been trying to avoid all of it on account of how stupid it makes me feel. I don't get much pleasure from it.
It's irritating when people say things like that!
Self appointed authority figures are unlikely to respect your views. Moreover any reactive outburst will likely empower them further. Failure to follow the might is right 'spirit of the age', will invariably result in having less toys, pieces of pie or general influence. Some people need to feel important some learn to share, but I don't suppose the two are mutually exclusive.
That really grips my sch...t too! sanctimonious, self-righteous twits who try to pull the rug from under my feet by disarming my discussion with "Oh, that's not very Buddhist is it? I thought Buddhists were supposed to be peaceful and loving?!"
I often reply "Christians are supposed to be the same way - or are you exempting yourself, because god is known to kick ass?"
Often, they will respond with "Actually, I'm not a Christian, I'm atheist" - leaving me the perfect opening for "Well, you don't know much about either religion then, do you?"
Tara Brach told how on coming back from a week-long retreat, she was not pleased with something her ex-husband had done in her absence, and proceeded to rant and rave against him upon return.
He stared back at her and said: "Is that what you learnt during your Buddhist retreat?" ..
:rant: ..
Yes, this is something I am a little concerned about. My Buddhist practice often seems highly effective while I am separated from the chaos that is life. But then I encounter "irritants" in the real world, and it's a whole different story.
Thanks.
The really annoying thing is that he probably had a point.
When I am angry and someone says, "Isnt buddhism all about peace?"
I always reply, "Yes. But I am also half-Muslim." lol
Life on the cushion is one thing, out on the macadam jungle another
A good friend and fellow practitioner will from time to time point out a lacking in metta on my part. I will simply smile and say that she is right.
Lol I had to look up that word. Here of course we call it asphalt jungle. Same thing.
I found offloading to a stranger (psychiatrist) very helpful in dealing with a lot of the anger issues I had with certain family members while growing up.
Also, putting myself in the shoes of the person who I was angry with helped me understand why they were the way they were.
Another part to my previous comment on this is to ''stop'' the causes and conditions that give rise to exhilarating negative emotions.
That self-righteous anger is my absolute favorite negative emotion. Over the years I've grown up and encountered Dharma with good outcomes, so that even before I began my formal practice, people who normally would have pissed me off no longer did. It's more truthful to say they piss me off LESS, actually. Sometimes what used to send me into a self-righteous tirade (via gossip, as I am a coward) rolls off of me like water off a duck.
I figure this is what's happening -- the practice is eliminating what causes and conditions those seductive negative emotions. They simply don't happen like they used to.
This is not "Buddhist" or "secular" or whatever. This is just how it's done, it's Dharma whatever ya call it.
Just knock it off.
When that little or loud voice inside starts with the anger or the complaining and you recognize it as such, just stop it.
I am not that complaining voice I chose to nurture as if it were me. When this is seen we can step back and stop those thoughts in their tracks before they are half laid.
Granted, by then it could be too late to stop some damage but it gets easier.
Sending people for the dictionary is an obnoxious trait of mine. Happens to me a lot.
It comes from reading so many rare books. I'm an outdated fossil with a perimé vocabulary
:crazy: ..
(Looks up 'Perimé')......
This is definitely a middle path issue from my perspective.
A practice is usually a spectrum with hedonistic indulgence on one end of the spectrum and a robotic distancing from everything emotional on the other end.
Somewhere in the middle is the meditative possibility of simply observing our arising, living & departing emotional forces without being obliged to hop on for the ride or close ourselves off from it all down through a denial of what we feel.
It often feels like a middle path walked by blind folks who can only stay on it by moving away from whatever side they are currently stumbling off.
Sounds like a French drink to me.
.
I'll drink to that - Santé!
Well said @how
The middle way for me is between our individual and collective extremes and ideally rests independently of them . . .
Overcoming negative thinking, overthinking, conflicted emotions, extreme or unbalanced behaviour etc. That is at least a lifetime of practice . . .
. . . maybe need one of these balancing cushions, with knobs for hand pump. Must learn to be less of a dick . . . :crazy: .
'To infinity and beyond' . . . look Ma, I iz meditating . . .
OMG, who wrote that publicity blurb ..?!
Oh thanks a lot. Lobster
Now I have a zafu thinking a perky pink panted pet would make it's existence complete. No..Not for me.......honest.
I'm sure most male members will rather order the perky pink panted pet accesory than the high-tech zafu itself:)
@DhammaDragon
Giving your male member a credit card, would give any female member, a run for their money. Of course we'd get arrested for just waving it around.
Apart from waving your karma credit card about, despite the inappropriate exposure there is a way . . .
Skilful outlets.
As an angry person that makes Mr Angry look like a potato head, I know some of my beneficial triggers . . .
This is the clue.
Tai Chi, martial arts, sport, sex are all beneficial anger management tools (if you will pardon the expression). Meditation given sufficient exposure and effort will also change our brain, anger, emotions, body and might even lead to enlightenment . . . [Mr Cushion is cheering - image enclosed]
It is not helpful to deal with anger unskilfully eg. picking fights with monks, Islamists or Bulls. Alcohol and drugs are not skilful but often exasperate the original behaviour.
I am in training to be a Buddha, a lot of the time I am barely a Buddhist . . .
Sex as an anger management tool?
That doesn't sound too healthy to me.
Angry sex? Don't remember ever trying it. Maybe it's hard to stay mad when you're having sex. Or maybe it's hard to stay hard when you're mad.
^^^^ Oh gosh, was not suggesting sado masochistic sex (unless that is your norm) but I personally find sex does calm. Maybe that is not your meaning? We have to use what is available. Some people turn to alcohol or drugs because they have nothing better. :bawl: .
Some use voluntary activity as a way to direct anger or self mutilation, there are degrees of skill . . .