Can Buddhist practice generate resentment?
zenguitar
Bad BuddhistNew England Veteran
Hi Sangha, this is a serious question. Let's say you (actually, I) do your best to radiate loving kindness to people who are, basically, jerks, but that doesn't tone down their obnoxious behavior. Plus you know there is no way you can radiate metta towards people who commit really heinous acts of evil. And let's say you try to be compassionate toward those are suffering, but you have a sneaking suspicion that at least some these people have no intention whatsoever of changing their self-destructive ways; they may even revel in them. And maybe you give of yourself altruistically, but instead of receiving thanks you are taken advantage of or treated rather rudely in return. Finally, maybe you have come to suspect that much of Buddhist ethics can only work in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood*, where everyone loves everyone else, rather than in the real world.
Can this sort of practice generate, well, resentment and disillusionment in the practitioner? If so, what can the practitioner do to overcome these feelings?
* I'm sorry if the non-US Sangha are unfamiliar with the children's television series Mr Rogers' Neighborhood. I am not sure, but I am guessing that a UK equivalent might be something like Blue Peter(?)
Comments
Well, from my reading of the OP, if by practice it is meant that people must change because they are not meeting a standard you set - I can see how both parties may build up resentment.
I think early on in your practice there is the possibility that metta meditation can bring up more feelings of resentment than compassion or love. Particularly, as you say, toward people who commit acts of evil.
However, when we realise that all beings do what they do in order to try and make themselves happy (no matter how unskillful the action) we can then start to feel a little more compassion for them.
I don't know about you @zenguitar but I was brought up in a stable loving home and was surrounded by (for the most part) people who loved me and cared for my welfare. Remember that not everybody has that good fortune! A lot of the actions we undertake are the results of the environment we've been raised in.
In answer to your question I would say more time is required on the cushion. Changes will come slowly I assure you.
Good luck!
Philosophically, no. Practically, yes.
Those people who you feel are toxic, are the very best people to send loving kindness to. Not because it changes them, but because it changes you. An antidote to those feelings of resentment is opening your own heart by wishing the very best for them.
In essence, Mr. Rogers world is a place where nothing ever goes wrong. But you know things go wrong in your world, but what do you do with the things that go wrong inside you? Do things go wrong inside you? I would consider feeling resentment something that is going wrong for you.
I like to think of it like this:
We all have the seed of anger / hatred within us. Rather than focusing on the actions of others and continuing to water and nurture this seed, we should be applying the antidote (weed killer if you like) which is loving kindness and compassion.
This is beneficial to both ourselves and others.
Initially this is difficult but gets easier over time.
I'm thinking that the OP meant without saying it exactly, is how do you prevent and protect yourself from being damaged physically (ripped-off) and emotionally by those types' actions, more than anything...without sacrificing one's 'Buddhist leanings'.
It's a reasonable question for me because I'm so new at getting the full picture and understanding of what Buddhism is all about.
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@zenguitar, to give altruistically one expects 'nothing in return, to do so (expectation) will eventually generate resentment...
The resentment doesn't come from your practice.
You seem to be harboring expectations that are out of line with reality. You expect that whatever practice you're doing, will enable you to "radiate lovingkindness" and that in so doing it will somehow affect the behavior of those around you. You may be radiating LK, but what makes you think this will somehow, magically, change the behavior of others? You seem to think that a conditional attitude towards others is somehow valid from a practice point of view. What does their intentions have to do with anything? To have reservations about "evil doers" with regards to practice is totally understandable. Unconditional Bodhichitta is not easy to cultivate.
Best thing? Forget about what others are doing and your judgements about it and focus on your practice. Bodhicitta will arise.
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Why should it?
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Why not? I do....
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So what....? That's not why you do it....
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Yeah. Par for the course. It happens. leave it be....
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Never ever, if it is done 'correctly' and with the right intention, no.
Practice correctly. No ulterior motive, no expectations, no wish for reciprocation.
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You guess wrong. But I remember The Waltons......
It doesn't appear that you realize you are making huge sweeping assumptions, but that's what WE are here for! To savage the assumptions you didn't know were f*cking up your life
!! We'll chew on them just enough that you'll suddenly NOTICE you have the assumptions in the first place, rather than continue to regard the assumptions as the Truth. I was saying this to @Allbuddhabound in his thread too.
You can't 'send' metta. Metta is not something you can GIVE. The purpose of generating metta is ALWAYS for the purpose of YOU changing and adjusting YOURSELF.
Sure, lots of people say "Sending metta your way" but it's a figure of speech. It's like praying for someone or 'sending positive uplifting thoughts'. Heck who knows maybe at some very very sublime level, 'sending metta' does help directly. In the meantime, you can generate metric tons of metta and your jerkoff coworker will remain a pathetic excuse for a person. YOU are the one that outgrowns needing to judge other people as pathetic excuses, annoying, 'wrong' and 'bad' when you generate metta. Metta is about how YOU relate to the world, never about changing how the world and its denizens relate to you
@zenguitar -- Maybe I shouldn't comment at all here, but one of my throw-up buttons comes marked "Mr. Rogers Neighborhood." I have three kids and can sympathize with those who think Mr. Rogers' TV style is the way to bring kids up ... or, put another way, that a "compassionate Buddhist" is someone who never says naughty, hurtful things and positively oozes something they call "looooooooove." I never wanted to disrespect my kids or fellow Buddhists in this way and to the extent that I did, I can only ask their forgiveness.
Trying to shift into something called loving kindness has always struck me as meaning that there is no need to cover up or make nice about whatever or whoever ticks you off. It just means a willingness to examine closely the actual-factual reactions you do have. The greater the willingness to acknowledge and examine, the greater the likelihood that things will calm down ... not 'get better' necessarily, just calm down.
Kids and serious Buddhists both know that life comes with some thorny edges attached and pretending otherwise isn't really Buddhism because it isn't really true in either a deep or shallow sense.
I hope you feel you got some great insights already?
The real world is where we all live. Some live in tough environments internal or external.
Intense dharma practice such as joining the dharma does hopefully entail a degree of peace and fluffiness.
. . . however, back to the uncloistered world. There are bad people. Many of us are partly bad ourselves. The question is as others have mentioned, 'who is the one person we can start doing some good to?'
Did you guess? Was it you?
And that is quite an acceptance, possibility and endevour . . .
@zenguitar,
The First Noble Truth "Life is Dukkha" what do you think the Buddha meant by this ?
To add my usual samurai-ninja twist to all that has been said above, I'll add that practising metta or compassion does not mean that you should go about your life smirking meekly about and dressing as a carpet for everyone to trample all over you.
"Yeah, I'm a Buddhist, I'm nice, I'm sending metta to you, here's my cheek, oh come all ye faithful, eat my liver with a Chianti..."
You won't be resented if you don't harbour any expectations about your practice.
You're doing it for yourself. To improve your own personal attitude towards the world.
Does not mean the world will change.
But your attitude will make you see things differently.
I sometimes get irritated with others when practising mindfulness - noticing how unmindful most people actually are.
Don't get discouraged. Metta ain't easy. We all stumble around a bit at first, mistaking metta for sympathy and love and charity instead of compassion. Nothing wrong with any of that, but it's not compassion. And that compassion won't click in until you dig out your expectations, as posted pointed out.
You are on the right track because you're noticing it ain't happening yet.
Thanks everyone, sorry, I guess I was in a somewhat grouchy mood the other day. I think maybe I need to spend more time on the cushion and less time caring about what others are thinking/doing/saying.
I think that happenss to everyone, sooner or later.
I have a friend who's a kind of gadfly when it comes to settling into one sangha or another. I used to find that extremely irritating, thinking it would be better for him, and just about everyone else if he'd simply settle down with one group and teacher and focus on that. He never did, of course and to this daay continues with hanging with as many sanghas as he can find time for, usually 3 or four. He'd also take as many empowerments as possible, but then abandon the practice after a short time or never do it at all. He wwould make me so angry.
After a few years of this, it dawwned on me that this was my problem and not his. My attitude was based, largely, on my own conciet. I was thinking I had the truer path, his was inferior and he should be doing things my way.
Realizing this helped me to "cool my jets" and get back to dealing with my own stuff and not be so concerned/irritated by others.
I still get very irritated with Todd Hoffman on Gold Rush.
Perfection is the perogative of the gods .......
That's exactly how ya learn the ropes! Get grouchy, lose perspective -- and finally ask the honest questions cuz you're too grouchy to care if anyone thinks you're a spiritual failure for asking.
How else can a person become aware of their shortcomings? Our 'worst' ones are the ones we do when we think we are being wonderful and oh-so-right.
I think these people are a lesson to you, you are not behaving altruistically if you expect some kind of result.
What I sense from you is some kind of frustration that how you are acting towards these people is not getting you a desired response. Using 'compassion' and 'kindness' to try and control how other people respond or behave, is more based in neuroticism and not in dharma.It's like a parent who says "I am so kind and loving to my children, so why do they do this or not do that?", in relation to how the child behaves - why can't they do what I want them to do rather than being their person, who does not meet my standard for behavior - this is related to wanting to control how people act and respond and using 'compassion' and 'kindness' to try and influence others (which is not really really compassion or kindness).
I'm not criticizing you
I think it is totally natural for you to feel this way, totally understandable. But I think rather than focusing on changing how others respond - which we CANNOT, so it will only frustrate and hurt you, you could try changing focus, such as non-attachment towards reputation and attachment to others?
Something that helps me is seeing things are a THEIR problem. I am inclined to take things personally, I think a lot of us are - but when we do we get hurt and angry. It's their problem if they want to be that way, not mine - I tell myself this when bad things happen and it bothers me less.
Good point @Vanilli. It is still necessary for us to maintain metta, karuna and especially mudita (joy in other's successes) just for our own sakes. It does turn altruism on its head, but aren't each one of us in great need of compassion, even from ourselves?
It's another example of how to accomplish 'change' in the world by transforming our own self from the inside out.
When you love and understand someone, they can still be a real turd but their behavior no longer (I imagine, here) drive us so nuts. We don't take it personally. We don't take 'responsibility' for what we can do nothing about in another. We humans get so messed up here . . . confused to the point we look to others outside us to do the changing so WE can feel comfortable. Really, how crazy is that, when you think of it? It's selfish beyond selfish. It is unloving, uncompassionate -- the last thing we think we are.
I agree that taking things personally is universal. Maybe its a kind of 'maturational stage'. It's yet another form of thinking the universe and its citizens should revolve around us and our needs.
All the metta in the world won't change the personality and behavior of a bitter and destructive person. But it changes how we relate to them. It changes how we relate to their behavior. There's a lot less suffering.
I think @Zenguitar asked a wonderfully honest question that I might have felt reluctant asking, kind of knowing I shouldn't be feeling that way, being such an ultra spiritual Buddhist and all
. His question is everyone's question, and I appreciate him asking it, risking his grouchiness and imperfection for all to see 
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Despite the point of environmental factors being made here, I would say that a lack of suffering can actually be quite an obstacle to over come; leaving many who have suffered whatever predisposition, somewhat potentially just the fix that others on the other side of the fence need. Less cushion and more living, perhaps a phrase suited for those with to much sitting. :P
Many Buddhists say sending metta is real.
Hi Jeffrey, Yes sending metta is real. It just depends on which way you send it. If you send it attached to the world it is not the way.
We're IN the world. How else do you send it?
If you see each person as intrinsically separated from every other being, then specifically directed metta is an understandable hope for directing more metta to one person perceived to be in greater need than another.
If you see each person as a temporary manifestation from a vast body of karma in need of resolution, then specifically directable metta doesn't make as much sense.
Either way, it doesn't hurt anything except for being annoying for those invested in being evangelical about one understanding over the other.
Sending metta isn't like sending an email or a package to a recipient. I like how How (how how how's) puts it. If we are 'waves' in a magnificent ocean, cultivating metta enriches the entire ocean and all its waves. It's not sending anything with some specific effect.
I'd think of metta-wishing as a way for us to acknowledge that despite our superficial differences and the outer skin boundary that separates us, we're basically the same and one of a kind.
It's a way for us to learn to accept people's idiosyncracies and foibles instead of getting carried away in their neuroses and taking their aggression and ego-defending too personally, whenever both of these take place.
For me metta is non-conceptual. It is spontaneous and I don't know the boundaries or limits.
I see your point but you don't see mine.
I can talk to you in the world from the self you will hear me and answer me in the world. The only problem is you don't think I can and I know I can. This only works at certain times a trauma Or you are in the self. I have meat only one other that I can talk to normally. He was visiting from the Buddhist temple down the road from our center. I think he was in charge there. He came with four or five others. I sat behind him. He kept asking the monk next to him if he heard someone saying something The monk kept saying no. When he left he bowed to my Guru and then to me.