Searching for equanimity
yagr
Veteran
Hi folks!
I'm struggling with something at the moment... geez. Really, did I just go and figure out the answer to my question I've been waiting to post for two months while I was on line one of the post itself? Really? Oh pfft! I'm posting it anyway:
As many of you know, I was diagnosed with a rare, auto-immune disease. It is incurable, more or less untreatable, and eventually deadly. There have been documented cases of spontaneous remission but it is beyond rare.
I think I'm in remission.
There is one way to find out but I'm not ready to do so. I could go to the doctors and have them run the test on me again. The problem is - I want to be in remission. A lot. There's some grasping going on... like claw mark worthy grasping. I don't want to find out for certain until I'm ready to accept either result with equanimity. I'm not ready. Suggestions to get ready.
Comments
Since there is no treatment available, there is no point doing the test to confirm you are in remission. You are "remission" because it feels so. If there is a relapse, the disease will make itself known to you. Any additional info will not help unless treatment becomes available.
Just a suggestion.
With metta
Wow @yagr! I truly hope you are in remission. My thoughts are with you.
I'm afraid I am not wise or game to give you advice on such a huge decision and moment in your life. Perhaps only you will know when you're ready?
Blessings......
@yagar your strength or ease at which you approach the question tells me you will know what is right and when. I wish you peace is your days ahead,
Nietzsche had many breakthroughs in the field of aesthetics, not least of which was his idea of the [eternal] convalescent (It's been a while.). All my life with its ups and downs, health-wise, I've taken great comfort in that way of thinking. It may not be quite equanimity, but it has helped me put the years into perspective. One person can pack more life into one month than others can into one year; and I'm not referring to the life of the body but to the life of the mind and spirit. A great teacher once taught me that nothing in life is wasted; that benefits abound no matter what our estate may be.
Salut, @yagr!
@yagr,
You might find this of interest
Prof Ramachandran (Neuroscientist) & Dr B. Alan Wallace (A Lama of the Dharma) Start around 19 mins in they talk about the "placebo effect"
I get the feeling you almost feel guilty for wanting to be well....?
It reminds me of the story (Someone else will have to locate it - I tried, but couldn't) of the great Guru/Lama, on his deathbed, and one of his monastery disciples approached him for any last wise, insightful words, and the Guru stated "I don't want to die."
The disciple ran from the room, shocked. He couldn't have heard right. Surely, such a wise, insightful, educated and deeply spiritual Lama, could not have uttered such banal words....
Another disciple therefore entered the Guru's modest chamber, and sought to evince the Guru's last word, for future contemplation by his disciples, and the Guru said "I REALLY don't want to die."
Actually, the words, are pretty deep, because as most people may opine, death is illusory, one transcends such ordinariness, and one does not 'die' if one doesn't want to....
But in all honesty, nobody actually WANTS to die, and that's understandable. We're not done yet!
So I too hope for you.
I want it for you.
There's nothing anyone here would like better for you.
Hugs.
@yagr Searching for equanimity
I sometimes think Equanimity describes
a releasing of what we cling to,
a facing of what we reject
and
the sanctification of each moment.
I wish you every success in your search..
So stop struggling.
Oh yeah. I always forget that one.
Hi, @yagr!
I truly hope your hunch on being on remission turns out right.
Yin yoga teacher Sarah Powers once mentioned a woman who was diagnosed with incurable cancer and told she had only six months to live.
This woman decided to end her days well and went on a yoga retreat in India.
By the time Powers met her, she had been on that retreat for over a year and apparently the illness was history.
Would I do that test if I were you?
If I felt in my heart that I'm in remission and the test tells otherwise, that would probably undermine my energy to keep putting up a good fight.
Or it would help me develop equanimity at last, who knows...
Unless you're told that depending on the result of the test, there might be a new treatment available, I would not do it, but rather concentrate on living well.
Like @pegembara said above, either way, you'll eventually find out.
Tons of healing energy for you, @yagr
Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment with a cardiologist. A weak heart has put me in the hospital a couple of times. But, at 74, I am increasingly cranky about seeing doctors at all. I try to stay calm, cool and collected, but a doctor's business is to make you better and, in my case, not die. Every soothing word they say about not dying is a reminder of dying ... which speeds the dying process, I suspect.
My crankiness comes, I think, from the fact that I'm not alive in order to support some doctor's profession ... listen to his/her wisdom and take the invariable pills they recommend. I imagine I don't want to die, but at this juncture I think I would rather die that visit a host of well-intentioned physicians.
Yesterday, the doctor suggested a pacemaker as a preventive measure that might allow me to live longer. The first thought into my head (not depressing) was, "Why?" I've had enough of people invading my body and then recuperating. I feel more content (though who knows how much this is just a camouflaging defense mechanism?) to stick with the Indian who once 'read my astrological fortune outside the Metropolitan Museum in New York ... for five bucks. He said I would live until 83-85 and since that seems to be an actuarial statistic, I guess I can live with it.
Gautama was said to have said, "All fear dying. All fear death." And I suppose I may agree with him when the facts of life gather round. But maybe not. Did you ever notice? -- no one who ever died came back to complain about it.
lol - I think I get it suddenly.
Before disease: Chop wood, carry water;
After getting disease: Chop wood, carry water;
If in remission: Chop wood, carry water.
^ But it's not the same afterwards, is it? First comes the anguish, next comes "the" reprieve.
"chop wood, carry water" is all too mechanistic to me.
Equanimity is not something that I find in a stressful moment, but rather something I must try to cultivate.
"chop wood, carry water" are merely words to me. That language, though based on pictures, seems ancient and inaccessible to me.
Fortunate then, that this isn't about 'you'.
Cool.
Now that was not so hard was it? Now try explaining it? ah h h h
Back to the wood chopping
Always with the break throughs . . .
That's why I dig mindfulness/meditation - it seems to help a lot in having the break throughs that are noticeable, as opposed to something so subtle, you don't know you had one until months/years later!