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Idiot Compassion
lobster
Crusty Veteran
You may have heard the term 'Idiot Compassion', to me it refers to people who feel deeply, so empathically that they suffer when not thinking of suffering.
Quite often it incapacitates the ability to do something useful.
As a thick shelled cructacean I have enough to contend with, should I be doing something different?
http://www.jaysongaddis.com/2009/11/idiot-compassion-and-true-service/
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Comments
Sometimes it is hard to know that what someone wants to badly is definitely not what they need, but they don't see it that way. I remember many times in my younger years wanting something so badly it felt like a need, it felt like if I didn't get it I'd be miserable forever. Obviously, that is still not the case (though I am still bitter that I did not get the playmobil ambulance for all the times I asked for it as a child! lol). But it is quite hard to explain to a tantruming 6 year old that just because they want something doesn't mean they need it, and that crying doesn't mean they will get it. Actually I've found when I simply ask him "Do you ever get what you want when you are upset and crying?" and he realizes he's making himself miserable for no reason and then he stops.
I have a friend who seeks out suffering, who doesn't seem happy unless she has a problem to solve where someone isn't treating her well. I think she brings a lot of this too her just because she always expects it. She has a very, very hard time when someone doesn't like her so she goes out of her way to put on her best persona to prove to these people that she is worth liking and that if they don't like her, they owe her an explanation why. Even just random people at her church and so on, she will actually pursue them and ask why they don't like her after all the nice things she tried to do for them, and then she's upset for weeks or more when they tell her "I just don't think we have anything in common. I don't dislike you, we just aren't friends."
I think a lot of the time people seek things from others in sneaky ways due to lack of confidence. They do not have the ability to simply ask for what they need/want from someone else or better yet to develop it for themselves so they try to get it while attempting to be sneaky and unobvious.
I'm sure I've practised a lot of idiot compassion; I think sometimes it's a fine line. I've met newcomers in A.A. who are in some pretty dismal circumstances and I've asked them if they've food. One lady who had been kicked out of her house by her husband was living in a hostel (I don't know all the ins and outs), I gave her £20 for food. I explained to her that it was for food, but she could spend it on booze if she wanted.
I never saw her again. I suspect she spent it on booze and didn't return to our meeting for fear of having to pay it back to me (I don't care about the money, but she doesn't know that).
So that was idiot compassion.
My A.A. sponsor tells me never to come between a man and his rock bottom, but sometimes it's tough to know what is the helpful thing to do.
Being kind is based not on the effect, which is always limited to our level of insight. It is an expression of what we are.
Idiot compassion is for example, colluding with alcoholics to facilitate their self abuse. The term 'idiot compassion' was created by such a self abuser.
Of course.
The people around Chumper Trungpa thought he was wise enough to 'drink himself stupid'? Que? After all he was a reincacerated lineage cleric. The people around him were idiotic. Not surprisingly.
We can be honest with our own numerous foibles, weaknesses and idiocies. This is why we can have compassion for the idiotic, for the fluffy thinkers, the hard hearted, the failed but celebrated dharma heirs, the notorious lush etc. People are complex but practice simplifies us or if you prefer irons out the behavioural kinks. That takes time, wisdom, clarity etc.
Sometimes we have to think of the childish, our teachers, students, former or actual self with compassion.
Compassion is never idiotic. It's our unskillful (in)actions that make it so.
We know. That's the implication.
Just as Wise Compassion isn't Wise. It's the Right Application of Wisdom, while practising Compassion, that makes it effective.
This, I needed this today, thank you
@darthmols, nice to see you. Stop by more often, you're always welcome, yeah...?
(from link in OP).
So true, so true. The truly Christian people I have known, those who make me understand why medieval paintings had halos as they have an extraordinary aura about them, seem to have had endless time to attend to others, to listen, to be there. I've not yet worked out how they do it. They only had 24 hours in the day too! But I do know that they took time to attend to themselves - in prayer, meditation, with their families etc. Guess having a good wife helps but it's more than that, far more. They attended to their wives too.
Have to admit I find it far easier to attend to others than to attend to myself. If someone else wants a cold drink, I will get myself one at the same time if I want it. If it's just me, well, my aches usually convince me it's not worth the effort. But I have seen how ignoring my own needs - for time, for space, for joy - leads me to become a burden on others. Baby steps ...
I'm exactly the same; if I have to do something for someone else, it gets done. If I have to do something for myself, often I can't be bothered.
So I actively use that strategy in a couple of different ways:
Sometimes I know I can't be bothered to go to an A.A. meeting. I've been sober for quite a while now, so the driving force that gets me to meetings isn't always there. So I make sure I arrange two-meetings-a-week where I pick up some guys who don't drive, and take them to the meeting. That also ensures I get to a meeting.
Running. I run, but often I can't be bothered or I'll make excuses not to (like it's raining), so I arrange to meet up and run with others prior. My long run partner is a friend's dog called Tye, he's lovely and he really enjoys our long runs (he cries with joy when he sees me). So I'm there, every Saturday morning (when I'm not injured), whether I want to run or not.
There's probably some more ways I use this strategy, but it works for me. There's a lot of power in the practise of compassion, and often it's compassion for others that also helps me do the things that I should be doing and benefit from.