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Sudden death of a good friend
dantepw
Veteran
in Philosophy
Hi everyone! 
I would like to know if any of you guys have gone through the sudden (like accidents) death of a good friend/family member and what is the best way to deal with it (both psychologic and buddhist way) and let the person go. Thank you!
I would like to know if any of you guys have gone through the sudden (like accidents) death of a good friend/family member and what is the best way to deal with it (both psychologic and buddhist way) and let the person go. Thank you!
0
Comments
My experience and advice is not to worry about "letting the person go". Mostly this is driven by our desire to avoid the pain of grief. The Buddhist way is to grieve but don't cling to your grief. Acknowledge the pain and loss to yourself and friends and family.
And life will go on. That's what life does.
You can do some practice like meditation and think of that relationship. A lot of people believe in 'dedicating merit' which you could do for this friend. People will practice because of the moon cycle or eclipse or whatever. Similarly you could practice at the passing of a person.
Buddhist or not, the grieving process is a human process that we all go through. It takes time, and what time depends on the person. I'd suggest looking through "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche. It has excellent coverage (even if you aren't Tibetan practitioner) on things to help both you and the person who passed on. Other than that, give yourself permission to grieve. Be sad, cry, be angry, whatever you need to do.
It is something I have been through unfortunately several times. Suicides, car accidents, snowmobile accidents, hunting accidents, accidental overdoses...I've lost friends to all of those things. Some grieving was quicker than others. Some are a constant process. If anything is a reminder of impermanence-of those we care for, of ourselves, of our state of health, of everything.
If it was you who lost the friend, I am very sorry, @dantepw. Well, I am sorry for whoever lost the person in their lives. No matter what we know of Buddhism or anything else, it is never easy to go through. It will be ok. Grieving people should take the time they need and be gentle with themselves. It is not a time to force anything.
When I was 24 I lost my best friend to a single vehicle accident. The shock and pain was overwhelming. I had no experience with that kind of loss or with that type of grief. The new feelings were frightening. No loss I've had since then was so intense. I've lost quite a few friends since then.
Now I am losing one of my oldest friends. The grief is different because there is more understanding. It's interesting, because he started a facebook group with his dearest friends to share his journey. It's almost over.
If there is a way to deal with death, sudden or otherwise, that can be learned beforehand or without just living through it, I'm not sure if I would learn it.
Grieving is terrible and wonderful.
it's really ironic for me to be having this conversation here right now. My sangha keeps a closed FB discussion page, and someone just a few minutes ago said:
At certain levels of feeling, grief and joy start to run together in interesting ways...
When my mom died, the feeling was so awful it was almost good. Not good as in pleasant or fun, but just so damned intense that, despite being horrible, it actually magnified the sheer preciousness and strangeness of life.
Just thought I would share, I thought it was fitting.
@dantepw -Grieving is a process that should take place in everybody who lost somebody. Mostly death of a person could be seen as "heavenly messenger", that nothing is permanent and also a time to think our own death as well. It is normal for us humans to feel hurt. But we should try to see it just an experience and not to cling. Watch your own mind, for there are wisdom that can be learned from this experience.
Sometimes before I call off the day, I watch this video. I don't know, but it gives me such peace and tranquility. Sorry for your loss.
May we all find wisdom in all situations.
For me, Buddhist wisdom reassured me that the most intensely painful suffering, the worst I can feel or imagine -- is transitory, is passing me by, not coming to stay forever and ever.
It's natural to be frightened of the intensity of painful experiences like grief, I mean, it feels like you are being stabbed and electrocuted and drowned and run over by a backhoe all at the same time, and it feels like it will last forever. But I remind myself that grief is an experience, a HUMAN experience, and that it is as important and normal a part of a human life as any other experience.
Now that I no longer fear (so much), I can just 'allow' the grief to be whatever it is. Doesn't mean I want it to be there or that it is less painful, it's just that I remind myself to not resist it.
I get lots of 'practice'
I have a menagerie of outdoor pets, and especially the darn ducks, they are so prone to getting 'et by predators, or sick 
and I know I may be odd, but I love every single one of them, they all have names and personalities and dammit, they die too effing easily. There's always the sense that it's my fault too, as their 'steward' human, but I'm working on getting to a more truthful, realistic place regarding that . . .
To me, being a Buddhist (whatever that really means?) is about being REAL. And REAL means 'whatever is happening' and whatever experience I am having while the happening is happening. This literally means anything. In practice, it is peeling off layers of papanca (the Pali word for nonsense, my personal translation
), of unnecessary, distracting, and delusional/ignorant stuff that gets in between 'me' and just plain awareness.
Such wonderful responses, I love them all.
I lost my 18-year-old half-brother to a car accident 4 days before my 14th birthday. When we were first told by the Father of our church and a policeman who came to our door, I was in shock...it just was a numb feeling totally. After a while (a day or two?) I remember being in my room reading the bible (which didn't make a whole lot of sense), but I couldn't help but wonder why God didn't take me instead - I would've gladly volunteered.
I guess because I was so young, it wasn't hard to get over because I had things to do and life to live. For modern western culture, we often feel awkward but we go through the motions of going to the services, etc. and not really take time to examine and observe what we're going through and how we really feel about it.
@karasti t certain levels of feeling, grief and joy start to run together in interesting ways...
Indeed, the beauty of the practice is that we could somehow sense both sides of the coin. This wisdom arising from regular practice brings us to a life that is less attached to anything the world could offer.
I started this topic mainly because my best friend has lost her best friend a couple years ago, and it still strikes her from time to time and, having no particular experience with human death, I am not sure how I could help, especially from a non-buddhist point of view.
Anyhow, reading all comments I can see that it is something we should not run away from, but yes allow it to be preferentially in a nonjudgmental way.
Thank you again, friends!
Those lightning strikes get less and less over time. I still think about the people, the better I knew them the more I think of them. Sometimes daily. But it doesn't bring the pain of losing them anymore most of the time.
Thanks for this, @dantepw. I am currently grieving the loss of my dog. Not the same but ...
I find it helpful to watch something else die as I give it time to let go. Sometimes it's a bunch of flowers. This time, I lit a lavender candle in a glass by a group of pictures of her and let it keep burning until it went out. My H then put the pictures up on the wall for me where I can see them from my bed. I've also composed a playlist of music that reflects my feelings about her (based on All of Me by John Legend which leapt out at me when I heard it on the radio - she really did give all of herself to me) and now have a picture of her looking stoic as my cat sits firmly in her way in her bed as my desktop. Makes me smile as I remember how long suffering she always was with the other animals that shared her home over the years, even though she had full lurcher instincts if she saw a squirrel/fox/rabbit or other non-pet animal and did struggle with jealousy if I gave attention elsewhere.
It's still hard going downstairs or out into the garden without her there but I am practising and even managed to get the grass cut this evening. Little steps.
Hugs, hugs, hugs - Sarah
I have experienced the loss of my dog as well last year. It was a lab, very kind and compassionate dog. I knew it was suffering a LOT so we had to make the right decisions. I strongly believe he is a much happier being wherever he is right now and thankful for our wonderful relationship, just like yours!
Be aware it does pass, though. All the suffering vanishes away and eventually becomes pure happiness of letting go. The suffering is just part of our social conditions, not actually our nature, I personally believe.
I hope you have a gorgeous, full of joy and peace weekend, Sarah.
With metta,
D.