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Dancing with the devil, I am tonight!
At a patient's home, caring for her; sweet and satisfying. Coping with her mom and grandma?. How do I put this into words . . . I've been a nurse for 24-years, but I fail repeatedly to 'do it right They come in behind me and rebrush her teeth, refasten her diaper, re re position her in bed ( she's fifteen but an infant, more or less).
I know why they do what they do. They've sacrificed their family's privacy and 'normal control' just to have her home with them. They have undoubtedly had useless nurses. What I'm coping with is so much more than appears on the surface. I'm coping with disappointment, grief, exhaustion, the frustration, the losses, the helplessness, the loss of control, the hopelessness, and the need for help or else their little girl couldn't be home with them at all.
Remembering this during being shamed for using the wrong bathroom (and told I'd better clean it twice, after being stared at in angry exasperation) is possible.
And I still had to BREATHE and apologize for the misunderstanding (twice), and then I knocked the clock off her desk with my ass for good measure, as I got out of the way so the mom could redo the diaper and pillows I failed to place properly.
Writing it here almost had me smiling. Almost.
Situations like this are important because it's not that often that I get my nose rubbed in such aversive inner responses. Observing yourself while you experience being ' insulted', while you choose to respond submissively, over and over again (no matter how dutifully careful I am to follow their directions lol) ~ has to be learning me something Buddhisty.
Do you want to see your pride in all its glory?. It is ugly!. And really cool too, especially those fantasies of picking up my bag and walking out the front door, rolling like a dog in visions of telling the nursing agency right where they can stick any 'lip' they might be thinking to dish me while crossing my name off of this case FOREVER.
Shame is a fire in the neck and head, by the way.
I'm not exactly grateful but I am curious and grateful for the nuts and bolts lessons I wouldn't have signed up for on purpose.
I am not a servant unless it's my idea in the first place. Except, like, now.
Anyone else been both 'humiliated' and aware of your practice all at the same time?