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Self Compassion
losttraveler
New
Hi, I'm new to the site and Buddhism. I have tons of questions but I would like to ask the community about self compassion. How do I know I'm being self compassionate enough? I guess I do not understand this concept very well without thinking I might fall into selfishness. I'm probably way off on this but I'm hoping anybody could clarify this concept a little bit better. Thanks
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Hi @lonelytraveler. Welcome.
Self compassion is just being kind to yourself and giving yourself a break when you stuff up.
When you contemplate and try and develop the four "immeasurables", include yourself as well as all other beings.
May I be happy
May I be free from suffering
May I never be separated from my happiness
May I develop equanimity free from greed, anger and delusion.
Self compassion is very beneficial, and I personally cannot find the connection between it and selfishness. Society is constructed is such a way that carrying for oneself is somehow seen as wrong action. Maybe because it implies not carrying for others.
There are many areas, of wrongdoing to oneself, which causes mass of suffering. Doubt, sense of guilt, low self-esteem.
I was raised as Christian, which thought me that guilt is removed through confession. When I freed myself from this religion I realized that I can forgive myself all the wrong things that I did, (and will do!). It was one of the most liberating moments of my life.
Love yourself.
Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself and your feelings like you would treat a small child having the same feelings or issues. Don't beat yourself up. Don't worry about whether you are doing it right
Changes will be more obvious as time goes on.
As stated, 'Self Compassion' is just giving yourself permission to be happy as you are.
Peace to you and welcome.
I think self compassion runs the risk of falling into selfishness to the extent that one identifies with a self separate from others.
Yes, and I think maybe the golden rule in reverse might be a suitable benchmark for self-compassion. Give as much compassion to yourself that you give others.
Self-compassion is something I've tried very hard to incorporate into my practice for many years, but it never seemed to "click" for me, until I thought of it this way: Imagine you have undertaken the path of the Bodhisattva: to embody compassion for all beings.
Now, aren't you yourself one of those beings?
Self-compassion is simply realizing, there is suffering here -- in this very mind and heart. And it is no more or less deserving of compassionate action than any other suffering in the universe. .
Self != Ego
One can care for themselves without being proud or greedy.
Helping others is good for the self and in turn, helping the self is good for others.
We're all in this together and that means you.
I think self-acceptance goes a long way.
It does.
The Middle pretty much works for all this stuff.
Not too loose, not too tight.
Not too dark, not too light.
Not too anal, not too shyte.
Thanks everybody for the responses. i understand a little bit better now and will continue working on implementing these teaching in my daily life.
Me too.
Perhaps we can start with:
Q: 'why the Buddhist chicken crossed the road?'
A: 'getting to the other side ...'?
I'm probably a bit late to the thread but if you find your way back Dr. Kristen Neff, who wrote a book on the topic and a main researcher has a good TED talk on it.
We're taught through our culture that to motivate ourselves, we need to be hard on ourselves - and this often translates as 'beating ourselves up about stuff'. Probably from getting to to 'man up', or 'pull your socks up', or 'pull yourself together', or 'just get on with it'.
I think it comes from our Christian cultures with the 'spare the rod, spoil the child' thing.
But actually, torturing ourselves with things like guilt or not being 'good enough' doesn't motivate it, it's demotivating.
I'm currently doing an online course in happiness with Corsera. It's free and it's very good and it covers stuff like this:
https://www.coursera.org/learn/happiness/home/welcome
A good technique I try to use is that I speak to myself as if I would speak to a newly sober alcoholic (I'm in A.A.). I'm friendly, forgiving, and try to give them practical advice that's achievable (not setting myself ridiculously high targets, failing to achieve them, then beating myself up about that).
I talk to myself. Out loud. All the time. I could be ironing, walking to the bus stop, taking stuff out of my locker, shopping.... I do it the whole time. I try to do it making sure nobody's around, (I don't want to LOOK like a weirdo!) but occasionally, someone will appear from behind me, and I'll realise they've been listening to this whack-job talking to herself.
And yet, I've discovered, I'm not alone. After apologising for my distinct apparent lack of sanity, so many people have admitted they do the same, how good it feels to not be alone....
And I have found over time, that the timbre of self-discussions most people seem to have, is to berate themselves for having been dumb, stupid, reckless, angry, unwise, tactless, offensive, hasty..... Very few people actually talk to themselves positively.... "Well done you! You made someone's day!" or "well that went well! You'll need to do that again, if that's the result you're gonna get!"
I generally 'argue' with myself. I talk as if I'm discussing an issue with someone and laying my rational and justification for a specific course of action, before 'them' (goodness knows who 'them' is!) I rarely berate myself - but then, I rarely praise myself, either.
Maybe we should do less of this:
And more of this:
Self-Compassion has nothing to do with ego, or vanity, or conceit, or self-centredness.
Self-Compassion is about realising that kindness emanates from us. It comes from within, So cultivating it internally, and lodging it, giving it home within us, is a skilful starting point.
^^^ Outstanding post for weirdos from @federica
In many aspects/schools of Dharma the Buddha is at the apex of wisdom by being good to others, himself - most especially.
We of the fast heretical Shattari school of Dharma are especially naughty ...
(i) One should not believe in self-negation but adhere to self-affirmation.
(ii) Contemplation is a waste of time.
(iii) Self-effacement is a wrong idea: one must say nothing except "I am I." Unity is to understand One, see One, say One and to hear One. A Sufi of this order must say "I am one" and "There is no partner with me."
(iv) There is no need to oppose to the ego (nafs) or of mujaheda (struggle, participation in jihad with oneself).
(v) There is no such state as annihilation (fana) since this would require two personalities, one wishing for annihilation and the other in whom annihilation takes place, which is dualism and not unity.
(vi) One should not abstain from eating certain foods but instead should consider one's ego, its attributes and actions as identical with those of the Universal Ego. The animal soul is not an obstacle for reaching God.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shattari
Think I got it all wrong again ...
There is a loving-friendliness Therevada Buddhist meditation that begins:
May all beings be happy and secure.
May all beings have happy minds.
Whatever living beings there may be, without exception,
weak or strong, long, large, medium, short
subtle or gross.
visible or invisible, living near or far, born or coming to birth
May all beings have happy minds...
That part of about "without exception' includes, you, me, any reciter of this metta meditation.
I have had trouble with self-compassion when it comes to some of the big screw-ups in my life (and they were big ones). But if we get mired in self-recrimination, we get stuck in a negative form of self-absorption, taking time away from developing more skillful, wholesome states of mind.
The Sankha Sutta (the Conch Trumpet Sutta) is one I turn to often for a teaching on letting go of unskillful ways and generating a more compassionate, self-compassionate and wholesome way of life:
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn42/sn42.008.than.html
I find this use of 'mind chatter' is pragmatic and skilful. With mindfulness and meditation this dialogue empties but that is another threads dialogue ...
Friendly, forgiving, patient, accepting, affirming.
The video @person posted reaffirms this healthy approach.
One of the ways I personally used, is through the 'esoteric' or hidden teacher. In other words we talk to a visualised teacher who is an idealisation and attend to their advice or understanding. Listen to their dharmakaya. I used my Shingon teacher for this but it can just as easily be Manjushri or Shakyamuni ...
If we progress with this approach we may evenually benefit from the presence of the real teachers appearance ...
http://next.berzinarchives.com/tibetan-buddhism/mind-training/traditional-presentations/8-verse-mind-training/text-of-8-verse-mind-training
There IZ plan!
What can we do to lighten our suffering? If we can find something that does not hurt others or ourselves in the long run, then that is how we are showing compassion towards ourselves I'm guessing.