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Strong emotions overwhelm
lobster
Crusty Veteran
Strong emotions overwhelm and confuse and increase the dukkha. In my experience.
So how to deal with fear, anger, angst, feelings of [insert conflicted emotion]?
Dharma toolkit:
- I often find physical activity from housework, chores, gardening, prostrations, walking etc. burns up the physical symptoms.
- Distraction, changing the mindset, location or focus. Just temporarily can be useful.
- Attention on the breath really does calm us.
- Sleep on it, eat a good meal, look after yourself.
What is in your dharma/life experience toolkit?
2
Comments
I actually bring the emotion under scrutiny. See it's emotional origin, and then take it further back to why I am reacting thus.... I simultaneously tell myself it is but temporary, but I give myself permission to go through it, without wallowing.
I think we can learn to be kind to ourselves; it's all very well tearing emotions to pieces, saying they're not who we are, understanding their transitory ephemeral nature, but sometimes, letting ourselves feel is kind too.... We have that right. We are, after all, human.
Not super-human.
That achievement is yet to come.....
Quotes and dharma talk excerpts from favored teachers kept on my iPhone. Sometimes, I ask Siri to read them to me driving home.
When I feel an emotion grab me, I remind myself that I have the choice to let it take root or let it go. I'm getting better at letting go. If I have trouble I actually visualize it floating away like a loose helium balloon. By the time the balloon is out of site, the sensation is gone. Good stuff.
I also try not to wallow. When I feel I can't do anything about a problem and I am just sitting and stewing on it, I remember that of course I can do something. I can run or otherwise exercise to dispel the stress. I can meditate and calm my mind and nervous system.
I am home alone all day, most days (kids in school hubby at work) and in the winter, that gets hard. I suffer a bit of SAD and like to feel sorry for myself for feeling crappy ad unmotivated. I often have long conversations with myself about getting off my ass to do something, even if I just run stairs in the house or go for a walk. It helps, every single time, and yet I have to convince myself to do it. But, I do it.
All anti-wallowing advice is welcome. It is hard, when caught in a bubble of intense feelings and thoughts or papanca (proliferating thought) to believe what you are experiencing is all there is. Waiting it out or sitting it out is key, until you see that patch of blue open in the thunderclouds.
Strong emotions are what lead me to the dharma. I feel like I experience the entire range of human emotions almost everyday and it's really tiresome. So far, Tara Brach has been my best teacher.
I try to literally stop and name the feeling (this is fear, anger, hurt, etc.) and the sensation (heart pounding, hands shaking etc.) then tell myself nothing is wrong, and nothing is missing. I repeat it until I feel it. And if it's stubborn, I stop fighting it and just feel it until I can let it go. My Mom always told me that sometimes you just need to cry and shout it out and get it over with
The hard part for me is catching the thought that drives the emotion ( i believe thoughts drive emotion and mine are usually running laps at light speed). I'm not sure if she coined the phrase or not but Tara's teaching on "Real but not true" and her saying "The deep teaching is breathe deeply and don't believe your thoughts" have become my mantra's. Now its a 2 step process I guess, (1)actively name the emotion and accompanying feeling, (2) then realize that what I am thinking is not real, although it's true that i'm experiencing it, and stop believing whatever negative thoughts are behind it.
Things that overwhelm!
A meditation practice is largely a fostering of our skills of equanimity to allow all of our sense gates (seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, feeling & thinking)..... to equally share of life's stage.
When any sense gate is allowed to have dominion over any of the others, attachments has been the cause and suffering will be the result.
One approach to suffering can come from a monitoring of all of our sense gates so when any particular sense gate lays claim to life's center stage, we can diffuse that effort and the suffering that follows it by paying equal attention to it's fellow sense gates.
So..... if emotion happens to be the one taking up the center stage, just make sure you give equal attention to your seeing and hearing and smelling and tasting and thinking.
It helps prevent having to put up with a stage hog.
I know this is going to sound very Buddhist and a little cliché ish but.....
Being present helps to nip um in the bud before they can take root...
From what I gather meditation/familiarisation is the key, and it's not as if one has to look for the present moment elsewhere...It's on tap/on call 24/7....
I guess in a sense this is what we train our minds for, (mind training) ie, to catch and change the direction of the conflicting emotions (using the antidotes)...This is neither denying nor suppressing, it's just training ones mind to identify the conflicting emotion and counter with the antidote....
DISCLAIMER : I DIDN'T SAY THAT IT WOULD BE EASY... JUST THAT IT IS POSSIBLE ( it's a work in progress)
Some interesting points. Thanks guys.
I would suggest unconflicted emotions are not a problem.
So for example a positive response such as exhiliration, which is why people engage in danger for fun, is not problematic. Nor are feelings of love, fear of danger keeping us safe, pride in achievement/children etc.
Feeling emotion is not the problem, unless we intend to be dharma robot of the year. It is the excessive, uncontrollable, stage hogs that @how alludes to.
Personally I find regular formal practice lessens the arising of these intense conflicted outbursts. It really is when a situation of stress arises that we can test our capacity to step back and process as @federica suggests.
What I have seen of Tara Brach that @sdaniel mentions is excellent. So will look further into that.
Just as the mind can be trained, I feel its accompanying emotional field can be enhanced/trained/improved and changed ...
For example we all know the power of music to literally change our mood ...
http://psychcentral.com/news/2013/05/16/upbeat-music-helps-improve-mood/54898.html
hey Lobster
couple of noodles
Emotions, are just another source of sense gate avenue for us to either identify with or not. Thinking about training them is like trying to compete with the master trickster of all sense gate manipulation, the producer of dreams....our ego. Here the house has all the advantages.
Better to just side step the strengths of such a master by just not indulging in its game of editing control.
&
Referencing the difficulty of emotions, as to whether they are conflicted or unconflicted, is also tricky unless one wishes to brings up the complication of dual sense gate sense attachments. (eg, feelings & thought).
So re-establishing mindfulness?
Indeed.
Rather than discussing the subtleties of emotional labeling/arising let us noodle about the unbridled libido, anger outburst, unreasonable fear/anxiety/phobia ...
Dharma/Buddhist solutions or 'see a doctor' advice, to those involved in dealing with complex emotional issues may be simplistic.
For example I sometimes know when and how my anger is best dealt with. If I allow its expression quite mindful of its useful potential, that is skilful. However when anger due to mostly stress, comes out in a hurtful or counter productive way, I immediately need to address it. Such anger is not wrathful/skilful.
that @SpinyNorman suggests is the key but may not be so easy for everyone
One of the great dangers and misappropriations of dharma is in self medication when self understanding, self expression and real outlets may be required.
It is why for angry people like me, martial arts is more skilfull than dharma pasta.
If you meet the Buddha on your path. KILL HIM! [ahem ... sorry for shouting]
Linji
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kōan#Killing_the_Buddha
Finding the gap between recognising the strong emotion and the emotion manifesting itself, I find that really effective. Mindfulness I suppose.
Namaste my crusty friend hugs
Lately I've been finding anger making a bit of an effort to disturb me (admittedly its won a few times
). I've found the only way I can get the upper hand is to chant a few rounds of the mala and be mindful of the physical feelings I get - mainly a clenched jaw, tight chest and the chanting helps me to keep my hands relaxed. I also remind myself that anger is not good for the two aneurysms in my head. That is often a good one.
_ /\ _
Yesterday I was expressing anger at my sister.
Basically she had a meltdown. She suffers with mental health problems BUT that does not give her the right to intimidate, overstep others needs and express paranoid delusions in a threatening way.
I made it quite clear that she had crossed a boundary/endangering behavour that was not acceptable and would not be tolerated.
Suffice to say that I and my other sister who also helped diffuse the situation were in no physical danger.
For me the anger was justified and skilful and I await responses from both sisters.
I think the difference is firm controlled assertion as oppossed to outbursts of conflicted emotion.
Much is said about Anger in Buddhism and how destructive it is, and how the Buddha recommends we conquer vanquish and kill it, even.
However, there is nothing in Buddhism - as far as I am aware - that stipulates a Buddhist has to be a patsy Pushover, and not stand up for him - or her- self.
Just as @Morningstar, I think Tara Brach’s method is very useful, even though it requires a lot of practise (still working at it...).
One of the things she advices is to look at your emotion in an inquisitive, almost scientific way, which I find really helpful.
Once you’ve “understood” your emotion, it becomes much easier to be compassionate with yourself, which makes everything better and calms you down. It should also allow you to avoid becoming a patsy Pushover without being a dictator by taking better decisions.
As I said earlier, it needs practise, practise and a bit more practise...
Like waves to the shore, emotions come and go. From this vantage point, they are all the same. Have you ever tried to stop a wave from coming or going? Have you ever found, in your practice, pleasant and unpleasant to be the same?
When the topic of anger crops up, my thoughts go to the "Empty Boat" story...
"If a man is crossing the river and an empty boat collides with his skiff, even though he is a bad-tempered man he will not become very angry. But if he sees a man in the other boat he will scream and shout and curse at the man to steer clear. If you can empty your own boat crossing the river of the world, no one will oppose you, no one will seek to harm you. Thus is the perfect man – his boat is empty. ~ Chuang-Tzu"
"The other boat is always empty, even when there’s someone steering it. There is never anyone to get angry with. Even if the person steering the other boat deliberately rammed our boat, his behaviour had nothing to do with us. Anything anyone else does is done for their own reasons, and much of the time they don’t even know the reasons. When we see life as it is, rather than our thoughts about it, we see that every time we look for an enemy, someone to hate, someone to blame, there’s never anyone there. Just an empty boat on a foggy lake"
Is that true? That thought drives every emotion. In the sense that Buddhist 'Mind' is all processing, maybe so.
However might we say that some emotions are body based on the endocrine system? So for example the hormonally based emotions of fear and anger (body protection) and love and nurturing (body reproduction and recreation) ...
We are talking about imbalance/conflicted/suppressed emotions. This is where the pausing or source arising that @Morningstar describes is useful.
Personally I feel emotions are healthy and overcoming our biology is sometimes misguided/outdated and sometimes suppressive dharma ... something worth exploring ...
Reducing people and dharma to a head trip, often makes us fall, usually over our own feet. Which are perhaps more than 'carriers of the mind'.
I had something really insightful to say about strong emotion and then I realized that as of late I have been completely and involuntarily shutting down. It's a numbness I can't really explain. There isn't any overwhelming emotion to control when it happens so there isn't any tactic or teaching that I can think of to use. I don't even know how I disconnect when it happens.
I'm fighting mara everyday with Buddhist philosophy/practice and have lost a few if not many battles. Sometimes i just want to retreat to a cave until many moons pass, but there isn't a cave nearby, and it is not a real remedy. Perhaps. Until then nothing I can possibly do, or possibly the only thing left for me to do is to just let it pass.
This reminds me of Viktor Frankl's quote:
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
When I feel like giving in to an unskillful reaction, I always have this quote in mind.
I feel that if I can choose to nip the impulse in the bud, I have chosen to be master of my emotion.
If I heedlessly vent, the emotion has taken the best of me.
They say you can't hold two opposing thoughts in your mind at the same time, so flooding your mind with positive thoughts that contribute to douse the fire is also very helpful.
And naturally, the rush of positive hormones flooding through my body which comes from doing yoga or some sort of physical activity is also part of my toolkit.
It's an ongoing, never-ending process of mindful self-observation.
But then, there will always be moments when despite a well-furnished toolkit and our best intentions, we'll screw.
In those cases, I try to be nice to myself and, totally misparaphrasing Freud, before laying all the fault in me, I make sure I am not surrounded by idiots.
Good quote.
I feel you have it exactly right. Mindfulness and in particular entering and operating from the space allows the opportunity of discernment and skilfull application of our being. This may include the projection of emotion as a choice rather than a conflicted overwhelming.
It is a very subtle difference that @DhammaDragon elaborates on. Mastering an emotion does not mean suppressing. Rather it is recognizing it for its nature. Most of us are driven by emotions, hormones, moon and mood cycles, body parts - karma if you like.
How wonderful that according to the Buddha we do not have to defend our opinions, urges and other very subjective and REAL [skillful shouting] experience. We can practice emotional stilling and experience an emptying nature.
It is a bit like a cry for us girly types. Pure emotion. Expressed. Gone. Or for the boys biting a punch bag instead of the boss [I think that is how they are used].
Part of the point of complete tantric practices is exploring positive emotional states ...
http://www.losangsamten.com/sadhana.html
Yes, you are aware of the strong emotion surging, yet you choose not to act on it.
Which does not quite mean you are repressing the emotion.
We don't always need to act on our emotions in order to get the anger, guilt, resentment out of our system.
Sometimes it's a matter of mindfully assessing which battles deserve to be fought rather than allow for temporary emotions to continually disrupt our peace of mind, for us to be impotent puppets to our emotions.
Don't blindly react. Think it through. Think it over. Act from a position of calm. If your peace of mind and tranquility are disrupted then likely you'll make a poor decision.
People tend to push each others buttons....(Some do deliberately, just trying to get a reaction)....
The emotion of anger is from what I gather an habitual behaviour pattern...It's what some are triggered to do when faced/put in a somewhat trying situation...
Emotion is (thus I have heard) just "E nergy in Motion" ...so if something sets this energy in motion, it would pay to channel it into something more positive/constructive, creating a new more wholesome behavioural pattern....
Also tis said "prevention is better than cure" and as others have already mentioned ....the only way to prevent ongoing bouts of angry outbursts, is regular meditation... resulting in a mind that is actively alert/mindful/on the ball...
Staying.....
...And carrying on
I find chanting useful too. At the moment I tend to let go of the physical sensations you mention. So the unclenching and relaxing tension suggested.
The build up of stress in the physical body can be a very manifest mindful practice and alleviation/understanding of its karmic source.
One of the reasons the 'awareness of the breath' is such a simple and powerful practice is because the breath is diagnosis and prescription.
What is your breath like? ... breath out and soften ...
Being hard. Being conflicted. Being overly emotive or 'mind riot' dependent is not the Middle Way.
We need to let the 'Gentle Buddha' shine away our karma ...
From hard to Heart.
And when all else fails, indulging in plenty of self-compassion, we can sum our practice the following way:
.....not even your own......Just let ..it happen
Darn! Y'all took my lines!!
...Late to another party...
Love that picture.
Them there girl empowerments
Fasionably late no doubt
Me too.
Part of the acceptance that the Dzogchen, Mahamudra and Market Placed Zeniths sometimes find difficult to reconcile is Ye Olde lineage of smart gals, dakini yogis, Zen Mysteries and empowered Taoist muses.
http://buddhism.about.com/od/chanandzenbuddhism/a/zenwomen.htm
... and now back to the emotive ...