The need to satisfy the ego
Nehan
Brazil New
Something that we have to deal sometimes in our everyday life. Arrogant, deceived, snarky and completely untoward people in school, college, work, etc.
I know that, after all, they're just blinded by their own ego. But I also know that these people tend to put themselves and put others into some unsuitable situations and that's where things get inconvenient for me. Not about the fact that they put themselves in said situation but the fact that they involve others who have nothing to do with it.
To illustrate the aforementioned situation, I'll give an example:
You are talking with someone about a certain subject and then comes this person and butts in the dialogue to say something to embarass you. Most people in this situation, after feeling ashamed, kinda feel angry and starts to think: "What's the deal with him/her?" Some people keep silent and either tries to ignore the interloper or indulge into a quarrel with the high possibility in ending into a physical strife.
Analyzing the situation we can have two conclusions:
-The person in question tried to make a clown out of himself/herself with a unpleasant remark but he's not expecting any reaction besides embarassment
-Or he was probably testing someone to see if he/she could start some kind of feud
Either way, giving a verbally or physically aggressive response means that he/she got what he/she was seeking for. Even if you silent yourself but starts to nurture disdain for him/her, he/she got what he/she wanted. He/she wanted to embarass and annoy you for his/her own purposes. Now, the million dollar question is: Why?
Do they feel the need to show to others that they are funny, important or something else? Do these needs are really crucial to them to the point where your reputation is meaningless to them? Don't they care if they shun people away with this attitude? Don't they see they are just feeding their own fake self in order to satisfy the ego?
The example I gave is a silly one compared to other lenghts the ego makes people go further to seek some recognition to their delusions.
How you guys deal with these people?
Comments
Craving - for gain, status, praise, pleasure etc.
Empty boat.
http://fugenblog.blogspot.my/2011/06/empty-boats-and-joko-beck.html
Smile and ignore them or, if possible, avoid them.
I am lucky enough to work in a small business that has a "No dickheads" policy. It's worked pretty well over the years (with the rare exception).
C'est la vie.
There is very little one can do about human nature, Donald Trump
or people who deride El Presedente 'The wall builder' (PBUH) ...
However in dharma we have many tools from meditation, to Noble Silence, equinimity, right speech and wizard protection schemes to mention a few.
A technique I borrow from the Islamic mystics is the path of blame.
Using this it is possible to point out El Douche, with the words, 'it takes one to know one'.
This person is obviously "suffering"... "Dukkha here ! Dukkha there ! Dukkha Dukkha everywhere!"
So Dharma practice being a 24/7/365 things (I never leave home without it), being mindful of the possible negative mental state that might begin to arise, (ie, the built-in storyteller that more often than not likes to spin a tale of woe) nip it in the bud with an antidote...
Compassion being readily available...It's the grease which allows the aggregates to flow more smoothly....
It's important not to let the mind become charmed by its own thoughts.....No matter how tempting/candy coated they might make the situation look
There is a "lesson" doing the rounds on the internet about being a bystander, witnessing a verbal attack on another person, be it racial, religious or sexual.... The advice is to engage the person being victimised and to totally, completely and entirely ignore the attacker. Not make eye contact, not acknowledge, not respond or even react to. Maintain eye contact with the "victim" and talk about something completely unrelated to the issue taking place.
This is what you do. You completely blank them off and make out they're not even there.
I have one occasion I can think of when I was able o put the above into practice, and it worked like a charm.
This is all of course, assuming there is no threat of physical violence, assault or physical aggression.
I try to remember that this person is talking about the person they think I am, not the person I think I have to protect.
A couple things come to mind.
Much like @federica says. If you react to their comments you have taken the bait, and in all likely hood have satisfied whatever reaction they were looking to get out of you.
The other thing that I see happening here is what you "take in" from the comments. If someone hands you a pile of poo you don't stick it in your pocket do you? So why would you cling to the rude/hurtful/mean things someone says to you?
What you "take in" is your choice. I know it is easier said than done in some situations, but it helps to keep that in mind.
Then you could just smile and walk away.
Depending on your reaction, he will actually never know - if your reaction is skilful and wise - whether he has accomplished his intention, or not (you can of course, substitute she/her....)
Who cares? it is not for us to evaluate, work out or discern the motive behind anyone else's mental, verbal or physical actions. Our task is to make sure we respond skilfully, in whichever way we decide to do that....
It doesn't matter. What matters is what you come back with. Even if it is to ignore that person completely, that will be a response. And will perhaps speak more that your words ever could...
This is all too much to consider at the time of the incident. It is pointless pondering such musings as you are there, faced with the issue. Maybe you can think about this at a later moment. But even then, there is little or no point in thinking it over or asking those questions. Frankly, who can tll the motives within the minds and intentions of others? And who crares? What can be changed by such thought processes?
The immediate concern is the immediate incident, and what counts is your immediate reaction.
That - is what is crucial. Not them, or what they do; you, and what you do.
It is not wrong to:
Do nothing.
Confront the bully and make light of the situation.
Walk away.
Turn the tables around. Joke about it. Turn it positive.
You choose how you want to respond because frankly that's all they want.
In fairness, it's challenging enough just dealing with myself.
Indeed @Zero - the ego of others we have limited effect on. Potentially we can at least change ourselves. Are we a work in progress? Always. Perfect like the zenniths? Only in part ... Buddha part ...