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federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
@karasti, thank you, but if you realised how technologically disadvantaged I am, You wouldn't recommend that - I wouldn't have a clue how to even start!! (Mind you, I guess I could find out, it's the internet, right...?!)
I'm interested in your account of how difficult it is to be a step-parent, and how similar it is (or must be) to adoption. I'm of the opinion, however, that there is one glaring difference: The legal process.
When you ('you' generic, not 'you' specific) become a step-parent, there is some continuous dialogue between you and the blood-parent, and hopefully, an agreement and/or compromise is reached, as to how the children should be introduced, how the contact can be made as 'painless' as possible, and how, through dialogue and adaptation, all concerned can gradually become accustomed to being a family. After a while the whole process settles down, and everyone becomes accustomed to the situation and there is give and take.
Adoption is a different process, in that legal procedures have to be negotiated. This happens, of course, when a step-parent takes the decision to move to become the legal and justified guardian and assumes the right of the absent blood-parent, through legal approval.
But by the time this legal process is implemented, the parent and children are already entirely familiar with one another, and the process is very much favoured by all concerned.
In "ordinary" adoption processes (that is, when the children are unrelated to either parent) the parents have to go through rigorous examination and appraisal, and their lives are scrutinised to ascertain their suitability. The home is looked at, the finances, the standard of living, the available funds, the environment, the extended families, the backgrounds of both adoptive parents (including, of course ANY criminal association or incidence...) and this process can wreak havoc with the nerves of those involved; it's an extraordinarily protracted and drawn-out process, and extremely stressful.
I ask myself this simple question: Shouldn't ALL people considering starting a family of theoir own ALSO go through such a process?
It seems the most bizarre thing that if you are so desperate for a child, you are willing to go through whatever it might take to give a young 'stranger' a safe, secure, comfortable and above all, loving home - yet those people who can easily have children and have babies at the drop of a hat (you'll understand me when I say that is a huge generalisation, I know it's not always that way) can have those children with no prior suitability checks or evaluations at all!
In my opinion, anyone who makes the decision to have a child, should undergo some kind of examination to evaluate their suitability as a responsible and capable parent!
There are countless thousands of people who deserve, wholeheartedly, to be parents.
Sadly, there is probably an equal - if not greater - number of people, who most assuredly don't!!
@federica They make it easy these days, you can find "meme generators" and just plug in the information!
Indeed, there are very big differences. One of my closest friends just went through the adoption process and it's quite the ride. I was speaking (very generally) more so as to the commitment of becoming a stepparent. You are effectively completely taking on that role to the same degree as any other parent but it can differ so very much by family based on what that means for you. My husband, for example, basically is my support. I had to teach him how to be a parent for my kids, and that was not easy. It's an ongoing process even almost 10 years later.
I definitely agree anyone looking to have kids should have to go through a similar process, though, it can be really hard to determine where the lines should be. In the US (I assume elsewhere, but not sure) for example there has been a bit of a tiny house movement. People looking to downsize into small but completely capable homes. But many of them have run into difficulty especially when they have kids, being accused of not properly providing because the homes are too small. I think what "properly providing" means probably differs greatly based on so many factors and I think our goverment sucks are regulating that kind of stuff. They'll tell a perfectly stable family they can't like in a tiny house, but do nothing about 15 reports of child neglect and abuse coming from the neighbors house. It would need a whole lot of work, lol. Our child protection system is a disaster in this country. I know people who live full self-sustaining lives, and they are amazing people and parents. But they are always fighting a system that tells them they are neglecting their kids because they have an outhouse instead of a normal bathroom. What it means to be a good parent has a lot of room to grow in this country. People who appear to provide everything under the sun to their kids often have no emotional connection to them. Are they really better off than the kid using an outhouse?
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federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
@karasti said:....@federica I love that! You could totally make that a meme
@karasti said:
Step-parenting is crazy challenging! My husband is stepdad to my 2 older boys and there have been a lot of challenges, especially with the older one who was 12 when his dad died. He was very loyal to his dad's memory and hesitant to bond with anyone else in that role as a result. Definitely not an easy path. I commend anyone who becomes a stepparent. It's really no different than adopting. Jumping into a family, into a child's life, is a major commitment to make. Especially when the kids are not babies, and there have been many years of bonding and growing between the other parent and the kids. It's pretty hard to explain that to someone who has never been a parent and has to jump in in the middle!
Your thoughts are appreciated. Step-parenting really is rather like adopting. I'm an adopted person myself, with the usual baggage, so for me attempting to be a step-parent was a very confusing experience. When I got divorced I had a series of relationships with women who had kids, none of those situations were easy for anyone.
As a social worker I specialised in family therapy and mental health, poacher turned gamekeeper in both cases.
I don't have kids, but I'm on the fence if I would ever want to. Personally, I don't feel like I've done enough with my life to be ready to give my all to a child.
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federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Good point. I would think, if broached with the question "Would you like to have children?" re-phrased as "Do you think you've done enough with your life for you to be now ready to have a child?" the majority of responses would be in the negative.
There again, having a child might be included in the 'done enough with your life' for some....
Comments
@karasti, thank you, but if you realised how technologically disadvantaged I am, You wouldn't recommend that - I wouldn't have a clue how to even start!! (Mind you, I guess I could find out, it's the internet, right...?!)
I'm interested in your account of how difficult it is to be a step-parent, and how similar it is (or must be) to adoption. I'm of the opinion, however, that there is one glaring difference: The legal process.
When you ('you' generic, not 'you' specific) become a step-parent, there is some continuous dialogue between you and the blood-parent, and hopefully, an agreement and/or compromise is reached, as to how the children should be introduced, how the contact can be made as 'painless' as possible, and how, through dialogue and adaptation, all concerned can gradually become accustomed to being a family. After a while the whole process settles down, and everyone becomes accustomed to the situation and there is give and take.
Adoption is a different process, in that legal procedures have to be negotiated. This happens, of course, when a step-parent takes the decision to move to become the legal and justified guardian and assumes the right of the absent blood-parent, through legal approval.
But by the time this legal process is implemented, the parent and children are already entirely familiar with one another, and the process is very much favoured by all concerned.
In "ordinary" adoption processes (that is, when the children are unrelated to either parent) the parents have to go through rigorous examination and appraisal, and their lives are scrutinised to ascertain their suitability. The home is looked at, the finances, the standard of living, the available funds, the environment, the extended families, the backgrounds of both adoptive parents (including, of course ANY criminal association or incidence...) and this process can wreak havoc with the nerves of those involved; it's an extraordinarily protracted and drawn-out process, and extremely stressful.
I ask myself this simple question: Shouldn't ALL people considering starting a family of theoir own ALSO go through such a process?
It seems the most bizarre thing that if you are so desperate for a child, you are willing to go through whatever it might take to give a young 'stranger' a safe, secure, comfortable and above all, loving home - yet those people who can easily have children and have babies at the drop of a hat (you'll understand me when I say that is a huge generalisation, I know it's not always that way) can have those children with no prior suitability checks or evaluations at all!
In my opinion, anyone who makes the decision to have a child, should undergo some kind of examination to evaluate their suitability as a responsible and capable parent!
There are countless thousands of people who deserve, wholeheartedly, to be parents.
Sadly, there is probably an equal - if not greater - number of people, who most assuredly don't!!
@federica They make it easy these days, you can find "meme generators" and just plug in the information!
Indeed, there are very big differences. One of my closest friends just went through the adoption process and it's quite the ride. I was speaking (very generally) more so as to the commitment of becoming a stepparent. You are effectively completely taking on that role to the same degree as any other parent but it can differ so very much by family based on what that means for you. My husband, for example, basically is my support. I had to teach him how to be a parent for my kids, and that was not easy. It's an ongoing process even almost 10 years later.
I definitely agree anyone looking to have kids should have to go through a similar process, though, it can be really hard to determine where the lines should be. In the US (I assume elsewhere, but not sure) for example there has been a bit of a tiny house movement. People looking to downsize into small but completely capable homes. But many of them have run into difficulty especially when they have kids, being accused of not properly providing because the homes are too small. I think what "properly providing" means probably differs greatly based on so many factors and I think our goverment sucks are regulating that kind of stuff. They'll tell a perfectly stable family they can't like in a tiny house, but do nothing about 15 reports of child neglect and abuse coming from the neighbors house. It would need a whole lot of work, lol. Our child protection system is a disaster in this country. I know people who live full self-sustaining lives, and they are amazing people and parents. But they are always fighting a system that tells them they are neglecting their kids because they have an outhouse instead of a normal bathroom. What it means to be a good parent has a lot of room to grow in this country. People who appear to provide everything under the sun to their kids often have no emotional connection to them. Are they really better off than the kid using an outhouse?
How's this....?
It does sound perhaps more like Tao than Buddhism though. But by all means carry on
Yes, but I didn't have room to post the whole text... people would have lost the will to live in reading it all!
Your thoughts are appreciated. Step-parenting really is rather like adopting. I'm an adopted person myself, with the usual baggage, so for me attempting to be a step-parent was a very confusing experience. When I got divorced I had a series of relationships with women who had kids, none of those situations were easy for anyone.
As a social worker I specialised in family therapy and mental health, poacher turned gamekeeper in both cases.
@federica Perfect! It was the last lines I meant anyhow
I don't have kids, but I'm on the fence if I would ever want to. Personally, I don't feel like I've done enough with my life to be ready to give my all to a child.
Good point. I would think, if broached with the question "Would you like to have children?" re-phrased as "Do you think you've done enough with your life for you to be now ready to have a child?" the majority of responses would be in the negative.
There again, having a child might be included in the 'done enough with your life' for some....