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Abandonment, and anger against the undeserving

nakazcidnakazcid VeteranSomewhere in Dixie, y'all Veteran

I find myself angry at someone who does not deserve it. To understand why I am angry, some explanation is in order.

When I was very young, my father walked out on my mother and myself. Later, my mother found me too burdensome, so she shipped me off to my father. After a year, he couldn't deal with me and sent me back to my mother. So I'm very sensitive to the whole idea of abandonment.

The relative in question is my step-mother. I've barely spoken to her in two years, and the fault is not hers but rather a reflexive anger on my part. After my father's death, she moved to another city to take care of her ailing mother. Obviously, she did nothing wrong. But since she was my last relative in this city, I felt abandoned yet again.

I realize how selfish and petty all of this sounds. But that fear of abandonment, and the resultant anger is primal and reflexive for me. I'm not sure how to shake it and resume communication with my stepmother.

Comments

  • DakiniDakini Veteran Veteran
    edited April 21

    Find a good therapist, who specializes in childhood abandonment, grief, and trauma. Google a few names in your city, study their websites to see who sounds like they have effective techniques, and who resonates with you, then call and talk to them on the phone, for the same reasons: scoping them out. A good counselor will help you process all the anger (which is tied to grief), get it out of your system, and move on toward healing. Check your health insurance policy, to see if it covers mental health care.

    Best wishes, OP! This can be successfully addressed, and healing and happiness can be yours.

    lobsterShoshinKundo
  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran

    I think it is very understandable that these events left some mental scars.

    Perhaps you might try a Buddhist approach and include her, your father and your mother in a metta meditation? In the end you might want to seek out more compassion towards your younger self as well, who had to suffer these blows, and you might want to look at the roots of the emotions associated with the memories of those events.

    Eventually you might try writing your stepmother a letter explaining how you feel, doing your best to express things and seek to reestablish a closeness with her. Best of luck @nakazcid.

    lobsterFosdickKundo
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    @nakazcid said:
    I find myself angry at someone who does not deserve it. To understand why I am angry, some explanation is in order.

    Times like these eg, Easter, Christmas, Thanks Giving, are for many, a time of family get togethers...However if one is alone at these times, they can conjure up feelings of sadness, loneliness which in turn can bring up all sorts of unwholesomeness especially if one feels hard done by...
    Abandonment, Anger, resentment. frustration etc...all centred around self pity ....

    What is anger?

    When I was very young, my father walked out on my mother and myself. Later, my mother found me too burdensome, so she shipped me off to my father. After a year, he couldn't deal with me and sent me back to my mother. So I'm very sensitive to the whole idea of abandonment.

    What's done is done and can not be undone AKA the past...

    At times the mind habitually wanders back to past events (both wholesome & unwholesome) and each time it does, it may reinforce that memory with emotions feelings thought patterns etc ..

    Being mindful is an ongoing practice, and if one drops one's guard, one's thoughts may drag the mind all over the place 'imaginary places' , creating havoc with one's mental well being...

    The relative in question is my step-mother. I've barely spoken to her in two years, and the fault is not hers but rather a reflexive anger on my part. After my father's death, she moved to another city to take care of her ailing mother. Obviously, she did nothing wrong. But since she was my last relative in this city, I felt abandoned yet again.

    I realize how selfish and petty all of this sounds. But that fear of abandonment, and the resultant anger is primal and reflexive for me. I'm not sure how to shake it and resume communication with my stepmother.

    And with this realisation, the next step is to.....

    Resuming contact/communication with your step mother is simple, just feel the fear and pick up the phone and call her, ask her how she's going and how her mother is...everything else will fall into place...

    @nakazcid you have had a lot of grief to deal with over the years...At times you have to fake happiness (trick the mind) to make happiness (by using the Dharma)

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