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Fitting In...

edited September 2005 in Buddhism Today
Is it important for one to fit in and conform with the norm? I am told this by many of my peers noticing my lack of intrest with fitting in and making lots of friends. I have maybe 4 or 5 friends that I talk to either at school or from home. I seem to find it difficult to fit in and remain an individual at the same time. "To fit in, you must take off the silly hat, comb the mop of hair, wear clothes that match, stop walking around with striped pants, put away the sword, and stop staying up till 6 in the morning just to make faces and laugh at the paperboy. :p To do all of this, I might have a sliver's chance of fitting in but at the same time would be sacrificing my individuality and the things that make me who I am. I am not convinced of reasons for fitting in as are most of my friends (which is probably the reason why they are my friends). Many of my peers had this obsession going in that they needed to fit in. And it always keeps me thinking of the poster in my Theology class saying "Don't join the crowd" with an enlarged picture of the Nazis hailing their Fuhrer Hitler.
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Comments

  • edited July 2005
    we were talking about this today...while going to the park and running through some temple runs (from legends of the hidden temple)...we are that big of nerds! this is probably why we are individuals...me and knightofbuddha! i really dont want to fit in but my mom wants me to. quote from my mom while at walmart!

    MOM - Why don't we get you some of these kinds of pants...(holding up those really baggy jeans)
    ME - I don't think those are me.
    MOM - Well, these will make you fit in!
    ME - But I don't want to fit in with the cool people
    MOM - Well, appearence is everything!

    I was so mad so when we went home I started to meditate. Meditation really cleared my head. Wait...what were we talking about?

    24.6 KNIGHTOFBUDDHA!!!!
  • comicallyinsanecomicallyinsane Veteran
    edited July 2005
    My mom used to do the same thing when I was a teenager. She just didn't understand. I also used to have a friend that said he worried about me because I didn't like to go out very often. The thing is that I enjoyed staying home watching movies and reading. It was my favorite thing to do after a long day at work where I was exposed to every kind of person. People always say I needed to get a life but I was always happy with mine the way it was.
  • ZenLunaticZenLunatic Veteran
    edited July 2005
    And it always keeps me thinking of the poster in my Theology class saying "Don't join the crowd" with an enlarged picture of the Nazis hailing their Fuhrer Hitler.

    I don't know if they still show it in schools, but there is a movie called "The Wave" which is based on a true story of a teacher who showed his students just how easy it would be to join in on something like nazism. Anyone see it?
  • edited July 2005
    If I were you I wouldn't feel any pressure to fit in, you are who you are. School is the toughest critic. Once you are out of school, it doesn't matter anymore. And in the long run people will respect you for being you. And staying true to yourself. Do what makes you happy :)

    And no Zen I haven't seen that movie..it sounds interesting though, I might check it out. ;)
  • JasonJason God Emperor Arrakis Moderator
    edited July 2005
    Hahaha. I don't think I have ever fit in, or have been considered cool by anyone. C'est la vie.
  • edited July 2005
    I think your super cool elohim *thumbs up*

    :lol:


    Thank You Zen! ;)
  • JasonJason God Emperor Arrakis Moderator
    edited July 2005
    Thank you.

    I guess I'll have to correct my previous post and make a disclaimer that:

    "The information found therein may not be entirely true, and no fault goes to the poster, as it was an editorial and not a factual story referencing any given current event. Any resemblence to a person living or deceased is purely coincidental. Any complaints may be sent to Brian ;) as he is the current Administrator/Moderator of this forum."

    :)
  • edited July 2005
    Anita wrote:
    If I were you I wouldn't feel any pressure to fit in, you are who you are. School is the toughest critic. Once you are out of school, it doesn't matter anymore. And in the long run people will respect you for being you. And staying true to yourself. Do what makes you happy :)

    And no Zen I haven't seen that movie..it sounds interesting though, I might check it out. ;)

    Anita - you are so right! When I was in high school, I was one of the popular girls, and at the time it was SO important for me to fit in and be popular. Looking back, I now see that I wasted way too much time worrying about what others thought of me, and now those people are not even in my life (with the exception of my best friend). I am glad that I am much smarter now and it is more important to me to be myself rather than to please everyone else. And I have found that my friends now are so much better because they know the real me and love me for who I am!
  • edited July 2005
    Thanks for the responses. For a short time in 5th grade, I was popular. I had cool friends, good appearance, and a funny laugh (the only thing I kept) It was unsatisfying though especially when I found that these kids I hung out with weren't really my friends. So the following year, I hung out with the geeky, computer club, book nerd, kids. I got into a lot of trouble with them, but it was still funny interrupting class all the time with innappropriate noises. In highschool, I don't mind being by myself. I was told quite often to talk to people I didn't like or have common intrests with. But now that it's my second year at the school, I'll hang out with the new freshmen.
  • comicallyinsanecomicallyinsane Veteran
    edited July 2005
    I spent a lot of time by myself in my last 2 years of high school. I had moved to Las Vegas in my Junior year and I was very shy. i remember one time I was reading and this group of kids decided to start trouble with me. They didn't expect me to fight back. They never bothered me again.
  • edited July 2005
    my butt you had good looks...and thanks for calling me a nerd! remember the madlibs?
  • buddhafootbuddhafoot Veteran
    edited July 2005
    You said a mouthful there. I don't know how many people I've talked to that said "i hated high school" and yet they loved college and life now. i think high school just has too many hormones to deal with at one sitting. you'll never have anything like it for the rest of your life.

    michael
  • edited July 2005
    ZenLunatic wrote:
    I don't know if they still show it in schools, but there is a movie called "The Wave" which is based on a true story of a teacher who showed his students just how easy it would be to join in on something like nazism. Anyone see it?


    Oh my god (or lack there of)! I think I saw that once. Freaky.
  • edited July 2005
    buddhafoot wrote:
    You said a mouthful there. I don't know how many people I've talked to that said "i hated high school" and yet they loved college and life now. i think high school just has too many hormones to deal with at one sitting. you'll never have anything like it for the rest of your life.

    michael


    I second that. I was a total misfit before graduating high school. I was horribly picked on. Kids stuck gum in my ears, tore up photos I'd brought to school - anything they could do, they did. One girl tried to make high school hell for me by spreading very malicious lies about me. She even told people that I had outed a gay friend of mine! There were times when I seriously thought about suicide because I didn't think I could stand it any longer.

    I love college, though. I've found so many people who care about things that I thought no one else did. Things that once made me a nerd, now make me (dare I say) popular. I'm still a bit weird, but my current friends know that's just who I am and I guess they like me for it because they've stuck around this long ;)
  • emmakemmak Veteran
    edited July 2005
    So long as you have either extreme views, or are something a little bit different, you will alwys be part of a minority group. I am a vegetarian buddhist who only eats organic non processed food and does not allow my child to watch TV. I am my own minority group :)
  • edited July 2005
    emmak wrote:
    So long as you have either extreme views, or are something a little bit different, you will alwys be part of a minority group. I am a vegetarian buddhist who only eats organic non processed food and does not allow my child to watch TV. I am my own minority group :)

    Nope - you are not alone! Count me in on your group as well!! :) My husband is not vegetarian, but otherwise, he could be in the group with us. Although, the meat he does eat is "all natural" and only comes from organic farms that treat the animals well, up until the point the kill them anyways! LOL. And my daughter's name is even Emma!
  • SabineSabine Veteran
    edited July 2005
    buddhafoot wrote:
    You said a mouthful there. I don't know how many people I've talked to that said "i hated high school" and yet they loved college and life now. i think high school just has too many hormones to deal with at one sitting. you'll never have anything like it for the rest of your life.

    michael
    Amen to THAT! :bawling: :banghead: :lol: :bowdown: :(
    Lol, I'll stop now.
    It's pretty hard for me occasionally--I go to the top ranked school in my state, so whenever people ask where I go to school, I have to act like everything there is great, even though someone might be getting on my case. :/ Same old stereotypical high schoolers, just maybe a bit more motivated, I guess. Even though we have high SAT scores (still need to take that), we all go through the same stuff. Which I'll be glad to get away from in 2007.
    It'll be interesting if someone starts telling people what religion I am...
  • edited July 2005
    Just ride out high school the best you can. You'll find that college is a bit less clicky and the in-crowd has a lot less influence. The playing field starts evening out as we get older.
  • emmakemmak Veteran
    edited July 2005
    YogaMama wrote:
    Nope - you are not alone! Count me in on your group as well!! :) My husband is not vegetarian, but otherwise, he could be in the group with us. Although, the meat he does eat is "all natural" and only comes from organic farms that treat the animals well, up until the point the kill them anyways! LOL. And my daughter's name is even Emma!
    YAY! All my friends just say I am anal. I found someone as anal as me!
    The more you learn about the food we eat the scarier it is. :(
  • edited July 2005
    No kidding - people call me and my husband anal ALL the time. Especially when it comes to things with our daughter. But I can guarantee that she is way healthier than 99% of the kids out there!
  • emmakemmak Veteran
    edited July 2005
    Same - I wont let bridie eat lollies or have cordial or anything sugary. People tell me I am mean and am depriving her of treats. How can something be a treat when the child is not old enough to appreciate it? And yes, my kid is well behaved, healthy and very calm. My friends kids arent and they wonder why...
  • BrianBrian Detroit, MI Moderator
    edited July 2005
    Oh emmak, you've hit on a touchy subject with me. Everyone tells me how well behaved my kids are - and we are the same way - we "deprive" them of tons of sugary foods and drinks. They may occasionally have a bowl of sweet cereal in the morning and perhaps a sweet treat once during the day, but very rarely do we let them have pop (soda to some of you) or other sugary juice drinks, etc. People say we are cruel! The effects are completely obvious - when we give the kids sugar, especially if they have a treat at night before bedtime or something, they act like total brats! And yet family members and friends are always poo-pooing us and saying we are too strict, etc. :nonono:
  • emmakemmak Veteran
    edited July 2005
    It's great hey? All my friends bag me for it, but then thay all tell me how I am so lucky to have such a good child. Whay don't people realise that you do have to 'train' kids? If you put in the effort from the start, things will be easy down the track! We never rocked our daughter to sleep either, we did controlled crying and she has never been a problem going to bed. It cracked me up because people would say I am so mean and nasty, but then whinge that their kids wouldn't go to bed easily! WTF? People just do what ever is easy in that moment with no thought whatsoever of how things will turn out as the child gets older. This also is my pet subject. I can't believe some peoples' lack of common sense when it comes to their children...
  • edited July 2005
    I am in total agreeance with both of you. Emma has never had soda and we will keep it that way! I am sure she will have a little bit here and there when she gets older, but she certainly doesn't "need" it now! She gets her occassional treats every now and then. And she is a very well-behaved child. People always tell us how good she is and how smart, but then they tell us we need to feed her more junk food! Not sure if eitehr of you know about "Attachment Parenting", but we follow that and people are always criticizing us - it gets very frustrating! I breastfed Emma until she turned two and all the comments I got were very upsetting. Boy, I could go on and on about this subject! :)
  • edited July 2005
    Hi to All!

    Well, I am not a vegetarian and neither is my daughter, but I do not allow my daughter to eat much in the way of sweets. Once in a great while, we may indulge in an ice cream but very rarely. I don't allow Jennifer to have soda (pop) or any sort of carbonated beverages. As for candy, again, very rarely. Because of this, Jennifer has come to prefer fruits over most candy. She will reach for the raisins instead of the donut if she has a choice. As a child, I was not allowed much in the way of sweets or candy and I don't miss it at all. I think that because I was brought up that way, that is the reason why I don't really care for sweets that much as an adult.

    Adiana :):):lol::lol:
  • emmakemmak Veteran
    edited July 2005
    Kim what is attachment parenting?
  • edited July 2005
    emmak wrote:
    Kim what is attachment parenting?

    Emmak - Let's see...I am trying to figure out how to explain Attachment Parenting. Instead of me trying to explain it, here is a small paragraph from one of my favorite websites:

    "An Attahcment Parent is defined by how she interacts with her child. Does she make a long-term commitment to spending as much time with her children as she possibly can? Does she include her children in every appropriate aspect of her life? Are her children an integral part of her life, rather than an inconvenience that must be quickly taught to comply? Does she respect the individuality, feelings, and thoughts of her children? Is she in tune with her children's needs and does she seek to meet those needs as a primary priority? Does she interact with her children in such a way that an ever-deepening bond is developed, rather than polarizing the respective positions of power between her and the children? Does she seek to be an emotional coach or is she a policeman?

    An AP parent is one who wholeheartedly believes that children are inherently good and that by fostering an atmosphere of complete trust and intimacy, a bond is created that provides those children with the foundation and security to become their best selves."

    Basically, if I could sum it up, I would say that it is a way that you interact with your children to create a very strong bond with them rahter than make them feel as if they are an "inconvienence". For example, we cosleep. Our daughter has slept in our bed from the day we brougt her home. Sticking her in a crib in another room separate from us felt very wrong. We didn't want her to be afraid when she woke up all alone. Sure she kicks us every now and then and can be a bed hog, but it sure is a good feeling when she wakes up and sees us next to her and give us big hugs and goes back to sleep. So a lot of people criticize us for that and tell us how wrong it is. We just ignore them.


    Does that help explain Attachment Parenting? :) A lot of people follow AP without even knowing they are doing it.
  • comicallyinsanecomicallyinsane Veteran
    edited July 2005
    Wher eI come from that is called being a good parent. The only thing I see is that when the child reaches a certain age she won't want to sleep in her own bed. My parents had trouble with me growing up. I remember I was 12 and still didn't like lseeping in my own bed. My daughter is 8 and she likes to sleep alone. She doesn't get scared at all. I met my wife when my daughter was 5 and she hasn't had a problem like that since I have been around.
  • edited July 2005
    Yes, that is called being a good parent, but people that follow AP usually co-sleep, breastfeed until their child self-weans, etc. Now I am not saying people that do NOT do those things are bad parents at all....just pointing out the difference. IMO, too many people see thier child as an inconvienence and that really frustrates me. And my daughter is welcome to sleep in our bed for as long as she wants! If that means she is still there when she is 12 years old, so be it! I highly doubt she will be there when she is in high school!
  • buddhafootbuddhafoot Veteran
    edited July 2005
    Gotta be careful of books/propaganda that only define an "attachment parent" as being a she.

    I could have sworn we were in the 21st century...

    Michael
  • ZenLunaticZenLunatic Veteran
    edited July 2005
    Gotta be careful of books/propaganda that only define an "attachment parent" as being a she.

    Had this said "he," would you have made the same assertion?

    I didn't read it as 'only' being a she.... the author was keeping grammatically correct by using a singular pronoun to replace a singluar antecedent (parent). No where is it written that 'he' is the default.
  • edited July 2005
    buddhafoot wrote:
    Gotta be careful of books/propaganda that only define an "attachment parent" as being a she.

    I could have sworn we were in the 21st century...

    Michael

    Keep in mind I only pasted a small paragraph from the website where I took that quote. If you were to see her entire website, you would see that she talks about both parents, not just "she" as being the only parent.
  • buddhafootbuddhafoot Veteran
    edited July 2005
    "The parent" or "parent" would have worked just fine.

    In a society where "maternal bond" is still accepted as having more validity than a "fraternal bond", "deadbeat dads" being thrown around like it's the "norm", fathers being reduced to nothing more than a "wallet" for their children, "people bearing harm to children" always being identified as a "him", etc. - yes, I think we need to be careful of pronouns like this.

    Especially in regards to children, child-rearing and family - yeah, I think it's important to make things equal and label them correctly. We're not talking about laws or society or technology - we're talking about an issue that involves children - a mother and a father. No need to keep nurturing the norm that maternal bonds are the only ones out there.

    Just like if I were discussing "equal rights for women" - "he" shouldn't be the generally accepted pronoun. If we're discussing rights for "humans" - yes, "he" or "she" could be used interchangebly.

    Just my opinion - we know what opinions are like :)

    Michael
  • buddhafootbuddhafoot Veteran
    edited July 2005
    You're absolutely correct. :)

    I was only making reference to what I had read.

    Michael
  • edited July 2005
    Honestly, her website does not state or imply that maternal bonds are the only ones out there. I only posted a small paragraph from her website. It's really not like you are suggesting at all. Attachment Parenting speaks of both the mother and father being very involved in their childs life. Both are equally important.
  • buddhafootbuddhafoot Veteran
    edited July 2005
    Sounds like a good site.

    Michael
  • edited July 2005
    It is cool - sorry if I offended you with that little paragraph! :)
  • buddhafootbuddhafoot Veteran
    edited July 2005
    Nope - honestly, there was no offense taken.

    It's all good, YogaMama. It's all good.

    Michael
  • SimonthepilgrimSimonthepilgrim Veteran
    edited July 2005
    On the subject of gender-specific words, Bishop Wordsworth (brother of the poet) said, in a sermon, "When I speak of 'man', I speak of man embracing woman."
  • emmakemmak Veteran
    edited July 2005
    I like the sound of AP. Is there a such thing as an anti attachment parent? I think I know some. ( Oops there I go being judgemental again!) In all seriousness, can you tell me the website? It sounds like I am doing some of those things anyway, I would love to read some more.
    We have never had Bridie in bed with us, although I dearly wanted to, because Ross believes it is better not to. I can see both sides, but I hated putting my small girl in her own cot. I used to think she was lonely:(
  • edited July 2005
    Ooops - I forgot the website link! :) Here you go:

    http://www.kellymom.com/
  • edited August 2005
    ZenLunatic wrote:
    I don't know if they still show it in schools, but there is a movie called "The Wave" which is based on a true story of a teacher who showed his students just how easy it would be to join in on something like nazism. Anyone see it?

    In Germany this book is a requiered reading in school - believe it or not :smilec:

    I guess it shows how much we Germans still suffer from our cruel past...
  • edited August 2005
    sorry, i seem a little late with my replies...

    :o
  • edited August 2005
    ZenLunatic wrote:
    I don't know if they still show it in schools, but there is a movie called "The Wave" which is based on a true story of a teacher who showed his students just how easy it would be to join in on something like nazism. Anyone see it?
    That sounds like something I saw in a sociology class at college . . . I don't remember what it was called though. Creepy really. But I could never shake the notion that Nazi's were really human beings after that. What would I have done under those circumstances? I don't know. It's a reminder to be very careful not to just get "caught up" in patriotic (or other) propogandas . . .
  • edited September 2005
    Hello, i'm a new buddhist, how do you fit in in school, i mean i'm not expecting scripture here, but like what do u have to do in school to be a committed buddhist??? plz help!
  • treetop_buddhatreetop_buddha Explorer
    edited September 2005
    hello? im a new buddist and i seriously need company other than my new buddist friend
  • edited September 2005
    i'm his new buddhist friend...........................
  • treetop_buddhatreetop_buddha Explorer
    edited September 2005
    how do u tell yuor family your a buddhist? i mean my faimy are devoted mormans!
  • SabineSabine Veteran
    edited September 2005
    A few of my classmates are Mormon ^_^
    ANYWAY. I'm kinda going through the same situation. I'd say just lie low for a bit, depending on your age--if you're almost through with high school, wait until you're financially independent (mid-college-ish?). If you're below that age... :sadc: You'd probably just be best off keeping it to yourself.
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