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How Do Buddhists Cope With Kids?
AllbuddhaBound
Veteran
In western society, our kids are quite different from other cultures such as those in Asia. As a consequence, Buddhism does not appear to have a lot of thought dealing with power struggles and children's rights. I may be wrong but I wonder if anyone in history has had to deal with the kinds of struggles parents have to cope with today here in the west. Any thoughts on this?
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Comments
I like kids, a simpler version of us.
you can observe how conditionnings are seeded and grows so fast...
they will know nothing about something the one day, and next week it is part of their daily life...
We have been bringing up our kids as Buddhists since their earliest words.
I think, especially in the west (where they are bombarded by adverts etc) its a great tool kit for life, even before the spiritual stuff comes into play.
Part of me wishes there was a well defined path for kids and dharma but another part is glad its all part of the exploration for all of us.
As a buddhist parent it has also been interesting because you can't teach a five year old about dependent origination (for example) so we teach more about buddhist morality (they know the defilements etc) and psychology (they know what craving is and its role in making things more negative).
Id be very interested to hear any other Buddhist parents methods - we are probably all as bad as each other at it!:)
namaste
As a father, I can say from practical experience, and though its difficult to say my actions are ideal, I find them effective. Also, my son is 8, my daughter 7 months, so teenage years are yet to come
The most important thing is to be peaceful when relating. If you are directly looking at helping them relate more skillfully to their environment, then when power struggles arise, there is nothing they can do to uproot your equanimity. Power struggles only come into play if you let them... otherwise there is 'equanimity vs tantrum' and nothing more. My approach is to be humble, assertive and interested in their well being and enjoyment of the world around them.
With warmth,
Matt
I would assume no matter where you are or who you are or what your culture or religion may be, children always present difficulties, and the way in which a person deals with that will vary from situation to situation, family to family, even within the same culture.
I personally recognized years ago I am not fit to be a parent, and have chosen to be child-free, so I'm just glad it's one thing I do not have to concern myself with. I do not like children. I deal with them by keeping my distance :P
-People have always been the same and I would dare say that the same problems people have in raising children are the same now as they would be in any other time and place in history. My wife is not Buddhist so any teaching in this regard comes from me. My children are 4 and 6 years of age. I have gone over parts of the Four Noble Truths, Karma/cause and effect, the Three Seals of Existence-relating these to them in ways they can understand. I have done a little meditation with them. Being compassionate, interested in their lives, open, being willing to listen and being patient are very important. As in all things when you take self out of the picture you have so much more room for love and understanding.
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
He knows there is such a thing as improper behavior, but no such thing as an improper feeling. He has been taught that "awareness" (yes it is a reification, but ya gotta start somewhere) is primary to all his thoughts and feelings and "the sun shines on the just and the unjust alike"
Because of practice we have been able to come through hard times, illness, and so forth with no expectations and plenty of enjoyment of each others companionship.
...........of course the kid still drives me nuts sometimes ..... rotten brat.:D
I dont cope with kids....
KIDS COPE WITH ME!!!!!!
:grr:
LOL, I love it. :cool:
:viking:
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Children can also be victims of poor parenting skills. Some parents have many personal difficulties and emotional problems themselves so that the home environment isn't necessarily a secure and loving one.
The Buddha gave some advice for lay practitioners in DN 31
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/dn/dn.31.0.ksw0.html
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Is it that you don't like kids.... or the way they've been brought up?
Is it how they behave, or how they've been conditioned asnd influenced to behave?
See, I was of the opinion some time ago, that I don't like kids - in spite of having 2 of my own....
But I came to gradually understand that it wasn't the kids that drove me nuts, or made me frustrated.
it was the behaviour pattern either inherited or imposed upon them by their own personal environment and upbringing.....
I've actually met some kids that are absolutely wonderful little guys (and gals).
friendly, polite, bright, genial, well-behaved and pleasant.
(Running a small bistro/cafe, you get to met quite a cross-section of society!)
So I think it's a question of raising your children in such a way as to avoid engendering those antagonistic feelings in others.
my ex-husband's aunt came to visit us one day, when my eldest was around 4 years of age. She and her husband did not have children, through personal choice.
But as they were leaving, she turned to me and said:
"I think your daughter is such a lovely, delightful, bright and dear little thing. I expect it's got something to do with the way you've brought her up".
This was over 22 years ago.
I have never forgotten it, such was the impact.
Now, whenever I meet children of a similar nature, I make sure I say the same thing to their parents.
Bringing up children well, in the environment we have shaped for them today, is challenging. When some people seem to "get it right", I think they deserve to know that.
This is not really the thread for an in-depth discussion of why I have chosen not to have children
We've already chosen our course of action (Sterilization) in accordance with our choice, so that's that. It's just a choice like any other. Some people don't get a dog, some don't get a cat.. we chose not to have children. But the person who chose not to get a dog won't be interrogated
Namaste
You didn't want one of these? Lol
For my part, I am merely pointing out that what I had thought was a general dislike, was actually a more specific dislike, but in a different direction!
I almost spit out my food laughing when I saw this one
I'm most likely somewhat over-sensitive to people's questions about it. I spent a lot of time as a Christian being chastised for my choice, being against the will of God, thus I am "broken".
I can see the point of your post though
I have a cat though!
I think most people who have been around long enough know this is not true. There are so many differences. Society has changed so much over the last 50 years, it is difficult to fathom. Children have been ceded a much different place in families than they had years ago. Divorce rates have soared, the human rights movement has made significant changes. It is a very much different world these children live in. Then it is further complicated by culture.
Beliefs have also changed, which may explain why there are so many problems. Some people hold onto principles that no longer work. A few guiding principles which have pretty much gone by the board include "children should be seen and not heard" and "a man's home is his castle". Up until fairly recently (60s), people used to actually parent according to principles such as these. Believe me, if you guided your parenting to principles such as these, parenting may very well be a painful experience for you.
Namaste
I guess "by beating them" isn't really the right answer, is it?
Mtns
I have tried to instill the NEP and explain the Four Noble Truths to her at her age level (8). I consider myself very lucky in that she is by default a very empathetic and gentle child. She has ALWAYS hated killing any creature - we save ants, spiders etc. But like many have stated on here, I don't see a massive difference between raising children in the west as opposed to the east. I have had my moments with my daughter. But I consider my daughter my greatest Buddhist teacher mostly
Respectfully,
Raven
Palzang
Love cannot be learned, it can only be experienced.
One of the monks here has a child that is recently married and they have a 3 year old daughter. They often visit, and occasionally she baby sits her grandchild here in the monastery.
One of the monks left here to have a child with his partner, and they live about 15 miles from here. They visit here often, and bring their 4 year old daughter with them.
So in my experience, children are a necessary "distraction" from having a free and empty mind.
I think there may not be too many differences between the way a kid is raised in the East or the Western world nowadays, but I do believe that some eastern countries, do emphasize to a great degree that you should pay the utmost respect to your elders and your parents, and this of course affects the behavior of children and young adults in a huge way.
I think we in the western world, would do well in respecting our elders a lil more. Not necessarily to the exaggerated degree from some eastern countries, but a bit more wouldn't hurt.
:bigclap: