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Relationships from a Buddhists standpoint.
I had a quick question. Since i have been dabbling in Buddhist belief lately and since Ive already ask anyone else that i can..
Ive decided to ask the Buddhist community for help with my current relationship status.
So heres a little back info.
Ive been dating a girl for awhile. And shes really hardheaded like me. We have so much in common. And i truly do care about her.
Only problem is she is a avid drug user.
Now me being the kind of person who believe true peace can be found without any mind altering substances this has made me have a huge problem with what she does.
I really want to be with her and i know she is a beautiful and lovely person.
But i feel like her drug use is messing with my own spiritual growth.
So what does one do in this kind of situation?
Should i try and help her? (Compassion)
Or should i just end it and try and forget about her?
(Selfish)
Thanks in advance.
BumbleBe.
Ive decided to ask the Buddhist community for help with my current relationship status.
So heres a little back info.
Ive been dating a girl for awhile. And shes really hardheaded like me. We have so much in common. And i truly do care about her.
Only problem is she is a avid drug user.
Now me being the kind of person who believe true peace can be found without any mind altering substances this has made me have a huge problem with what she does.
I really want to be with her and i know she is a beautiful and lovely person.
But i feel like her drug use is messing with my own spiritual growth.
So what does one do in this kind of situation?
Should i try and help her? (Compassion)
Or should i just end it and try and forget about her?
(Selfish)
Thanks in advance.
BumbleBe.
0
Comments
What about you sit down with her and tell her exactly what you just told us, and have a discussion with her?
Do you think it would help clear up some smoke?
Often the elephant in the room just vanish when we simply talk about it.
Just keep in mind that sometimes "helping" her might be to only to be there for her, not judging her, not patronizing her, not advising her etc...
Deep down I know that no matter how hard i try and help her.
Its up to her to make a change.
But she is so stuck in this mindset that life is only beautiful when your high.
but i know for a fact that thats not true at all.
I just want to shake her and tell her to open her eyes.
But she just wont.
Im really stuck and i dont know what to do.
I just hate letting people have such a affect on me.
And shes the only one that does.
Would you mind going into more depth about the type of drugs? Was it something that you two used to do together, and then you stopped? Did you have a non-drug relationship then she started using? Has she used the whole time?
When someone is addicted, they become a different person. In AA they don't take people that are using, because they know that when a person is an addict, they'll do and say anything... morality is a joke compared to the power of the addiction.
Until she stops using (if its harder than tobacco or marijuana lets say) then the person you love might be hiding in there, but you'll not have much chance to talk to her.
Sometimes kicking someone out of our life is the most loving thing we can do. You'll have to look into her relationship with the drugs to see if your foot in her butt would be better than a hug. It might be.
With warmth,
Matt
Be afraid ... be very afraid. This is a recipe for failure.
Depending on the drugs and hers and yours own individual situation it is difficult to give the 'right' advice. Often if the drugs have taken over, it is not possible to be able to talk sense to her cause she is not there to listen if you know what I mean. The body is there but the mind is not.
Reaching out to others is noble but I think (could I be wrong?) right but misguided intentions can often be harmful than it is beneficial. So you alone can only deduce that whether your intervention is worthwhile or not.
If she does listen, then your one step closer to achieving the goal. But as you already said, the onus is on her to change her ways. The best you can do is to be there for her and offer what she requires from a simple hug and open ears and heart to perhaps even distance.
As for your own suffering, you need to learn to let that go cause you did try your best. Life throws events and situations all the time to test you, from small challenges to large challenges. You may not have any control over these situations but you do have control over your perception to these challenges. "With our thoughts, we create the world."
Let go of your own heartache and despair and you'll be able to see the truth. Once you do then you'll know how to deal with it.
The Buddha's standpoint was two-fold:
The same faith, the same virtue, the same generosity & the same understanding will support a lasting & happy relationship.
Different moral standards (virtues) will result in a problematic relationship.
To try to help her is compassion.
But to end & forget is not selfish.
My opinion is if she wishes to genuinely love, she must learn to love.
Take care
:smilec:
What if she doesn't want your help, then what, will you accept her for who she is and move on with your life?
Are you really in love with her? Or are you in love with the emotional rollercoaster ride you experience when you spend time with her?
I admit that I went off on a bit of a tangent here, so if these leading questions have totally missed the point then forget I said anything. But try asking yourself these questions honestly and see what answers you come up with. Better still, come up with your own questions you can ask yourself.
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
I don't necessarily agree. Just because someone uses drugs, whether to self-medicate or simply to get high, it doesn't mean they don't also have the ability to love another person. I don't think we know enough about her to make these kinds of assumptions.
I used drugs regularly for over a decade, and it wasn't as if I wasn't also functioning human being. I had feelings and relationships just like anybody else. It wasn't as if I was some crazy addict who wasn't "there," either. I mainly used drugs because they made me feel better. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say that I suffer from depression, and drugs were my way of coping (I was never diagnosed, although I was put on Paxil for a while. It actually tended to make me feel worse.)
One day I simply decided I didn't want to do them any more and I stopped. There were a lot of things that helped lead me to that decision (e.g., a new relationship, getting arrested for drunk driving, wanting to be a better person, etc.), but the main point is that it was my decision. Nobody could have talked me into stopping until I was ready. Fortunately, I discovered Buddhism not long after, which not only helped me to improve myself immensely, but also helped me to cope with life without the use of drugs.
Today I rarely ever drink, let alone use drugs, but I still find it irritating when people talk about someone who does as if they are some kind of lost cause. It's not as simple as that. She could just be a normal teenager.
I've been in your shoes before! I was once in love with a woman who developed a cocaine habit. It got to the point where the drug blinded her sense of reality. The drug became more important to her than me, her kids, her family members, her job, or anything else. Everything revolved around the drug.
I began noticing little things missing after awhile. It didn't take toolong to figure out that she had begun stealing to keep herself supplied with cocaine. Even after I discovered about $5,000 worth of items missing from my home, I still kept the faith that she was going to improve and that our relationship was going to survive.
Well, that was almost four years ago. She is no longer just a cocaine addict, she has now become a prostitute who does all kinds of drugs. Crack cocaine I hear is her drug of chioce now, but I once saw her when she was high on heroine. I saw her once again drinking publically with known wineheads in a grocery store parking lot.
She has lost her children to the state government. Her children are divided up and living in various foster homes throughout the state. She looks dirty and no longer cares about her personal hygiene or safety.
I've extended myself to her many times for help. Every single time, she took advantage of my kindness and acted as though she was going to clean herself up temporarily just to get more money, steal more of my possessions, or to have some place to shower, eat, or sleep.
Once she was satisfied for the moment and got what she was after, she would steal away into the night and I wouldn't see her again for perhaps weeks of months. Everytime I would see her again, she would look even worse.
My advice to you is abandon ship! Grab your life preserver and get out while you still can. If your relationship was meant to be, then wait for a little while to see if she will change. Don't wait too long, because there are too many larger and better fish in the sea.
SOS! MAY DAY! SOS!
PS.
LOVE HER FROM A DISTANCE! DON'T EVER GIVE HER MONEY OR INVITE HER INTO YOUR HOME!
My point was if she is using an addictive substance and is truely an addict then the focus in the relationship for her won't be him but her addiction. If she is smoking some weed, hash or is just drinking now and then or smoking tobacco or having coffee, that's a whole different horse than say cooking up oxycontin and shooting it. Or shooting/smoking meth, crack, or heroin. Even being addicted to presciption pain killers such as Percocet or Norco will dictate your life and not the other way around. If she is drinking a fifth of Jack every night, then "jack" is gonna be her focus and not Bumblebee. Maybe she can be a methamphetamine addict and still "be there" for those in her life, most people are unable to manage that though. In my years as an ER nurse I have seen the absolute destruction this can bring to peoples lives, severe child abuse and neglect, big issues with the law (Abuse, assault ect.), actually killing other people while driving because they were so wasted (drugs and alcohol), big time health and psychosocial issues and death. I had a patient who was 19 who's heart infarcted and he coded and died right in front of me from cocaine use. There was also this 17 year who suffocated himself, inadvertently, while abusing inhalents. There are many, many life experiences I could relate to you. Depending on the substance, people will use these things to the exclusion of everything else even their own lives. Maybe we need more information regarding what she is using, that right there will tell you which way this is gonna go. I apologize if I sounded presumptious or judgemental, that was not my intent. I truely find this lifestyle as very destructive. When I see people like this in my ER I have a great deal of compassion for them and their situation.(unlike a lot of RN's or MD's) To me they are hungry ghosts, feeding on that which will never satisfy and will only result in driving the wonder and beauty of this life away. I hope the best for her and for the OP.
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
P.S. I smoked weed, and hash as a teenager and I even dropped acid twice. I have even had my fair share of alcohol. Did I end up turning tricks to fund these habits? No. Did it help my life and relationships? No.
I did all of that and then some and I didn't end up turning tricks either, but my point is that we don't know anything about this girl, so telling BumbleBe that if she's using drugs then she isn't in love with him is a bit irresponsible. We could be inadvertently destroying a loving relationship based on some vague generalities.
All we were given were vague generalities as to what her drug problem might entail. Your right, we know nothing about this girl, one could say that it is irresponsible to make any comment about her. Maybe I should have been more circumspect and made a generic statement that addiction causes most people to focus on that addiction, to the exclusion of many other things. What I related earlier were my life experiences and as such I can only speak of those. My post seems to have caused offense and seems to viewed as unskilfull, for that I apologize.
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
No need to apologize. I'm not offended, I'm just trying to look out for the girl who isn't here to defend herself.
I don't know if it was your intention, but your initial comment seemed to say, "If she's using drugs, then you she loves the drugs and not you." My point is simply that we don't know enough about her to make these kinds of assumptions, and we could inadvertently destroy an imperfect but loving relationship with personal biases.
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
Ever seen a person addicted to nicotine who is all out of cigarettes and can't free themselves to get more? Ever seen a pothead who hasn't lit up for the day? In some cases, such as in prescription drugs, it's a crap shoot trying to determine which is hard or soft.
I've seen different people handle their addictions, differently! I still go by the norm, anyway! Once a person becomes overly indulgent in drugs, just tell them that they'll either have to quit or your relationship is history.
Give them less than 30 days to demonstrate their chosen direction and then, if they decide to continue using, split!
Don't enable them by giving them money or allowing them to crash or enter your home. A drug addict entering your home is like asking a notorious jewel thief to work for ZALE'S!
I didn't mean to imply that bumblebee's girlfriend doesn't love him or is incapable of being in a relationship. All I meant was what I stated, that when someone is high they are not actually with people or relating to them. The changes in perception produced by substances mean that reality is even more distorted than it usually is under the influence of our assumptions and beliefs! I don't drink and it is difficult to have a coherent conversation or even to spend much time with someone who is drunk - they are in a different place.....
Anyway, I apologise if I have upset anyone with my comment.