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groundlessness
For a while now I've said to people, "we have nothing to hold onto." Slowly I've been letting go of things. I've been looking at things, when I remember, as just temporary things in my life. Oh gosh I keep writing things and then deleting them. I'm not really sure what to say. I just am having a hard time with all of this. I haven't been meditating much. I shut down quite a lot in the face of things I don't like. I've been lethargic. Wow, just now I got really angry at my brother for no reason. I even snapped at him. I think writing this post is forcing me to look at this issue and it's something that makes me very uncomfortable and thus susceptible to anger. In general, I very rarely get angry. But right now I feel so on edge...
Yeah so... I have been reading books. And I've been trying to take advantage of uncomfortable moments to lean into them rather than run away from them. Like, I'm really squeamish, and I haven't tackled that yet, but in little ways I sometimes won't turn away from a gross thought or idea. Maybe even an image. I was watching a movie last night, and a hospital scene came on, and at first I instinctively turned away. But then I took a deep breath and decided I was going to look, and be there with the scene, no matter what happened. Stuff like that, I do here and there. And usually when my brother irritates me, I take a breath and broaden my perspective and remind myself he just wants to be happy too, and he won't be around forever, and it softens me up.
I just have so much fear, still. Confusion. Maybe it's mostly confusion and uncertainty. And like I have nothing to hold onto. I am in a transition in my life, as well. I just graduated from college. I'm at home for the summer and am going to move across the country to start my new job in a couple of months. But even when I get there and have my own place and my own routine, I still won't have anything to hold onto, even though it may feel more like I do. I don't know, it's like, now that I've seen certain truths I can't go back to things that used to give me comfort. There's always that little pair of eyes looking at me from the back of my mind that knows exactly what I'm doing. But at the same time as I can't go back, I don't really know where I'm going. It seems like I've given up so much. I question things I used to hold true. I can't lay on the couch and watch a movie and whole heartedly believe I'll never get sick and die. I can't put all my faith in my dreams. I can't think, "one day I'll be a famous rockstar and then everything will be awesome!" I can't think, "one day I'll have the perfect partner, and then I'll be happy with them forever."
I still spend time each day entertaining the things that have always made me happy. I still read fan fiction, still daydream, still put on makeup and do my hair and getting dressed so that I can look hot. Because it makes me feel good. It's just like...these things are a little see-through. They aren't so solid anymore. And sometimes I look around me and everything just seems so unreal. And it scares me. It feels like it's leaving me with nothing but my fears.
I've had anxiety for a couple of years now. It all started with a fear of fainting, and that's pretty much what I'm left with now. I always bring food with me, and water, wherever I go. And when I get nervous I start nibbling on something or taking sips of water. As if I need it to be okay. As if being okay is so totally important. Whatever "okay" means. Sometimes I'll feel great, and then I'll remember how bad it would be to faint, and then I start to feel like I'm going to...it's just so obviously anxiety, but it just still gets me. And I mean, I'm not afraid of panic attacks anymore, can just ride them through, and just overall I have a much better relationship with my anxiety than I used to, but this fainting thing... I don't even know if it's important to this topic, but moment by moment it's my biggest fear.
I just hope maybe somebody can give me some advice. Like, recognize where I am, and maybe give me some pointed advice. I'd really like to get a formal teacher when I settle down with my new job and stuff. Or at least find a temple I can go to.
I know from experience that things have to get worse before they can get better. I guess I'm just hoping that I'm on the right track. I do experience short times of peace and clarity. They are just kinda few and far between. It just feels like I'm caught somewhere between where I used to be and where I want to go. And maybe the entire path is like that...I don't know. A part of me just wants to run back, but the other part of me knows it's no use. But taking steps forward is just so... I don't even know. I just don't know where I'm going and what it's supposed to feel like. And maybe more than anything, I don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading. I know it's a long post. I guess that is what happens when I'm not exactly sure what I want to say.
Yeah so... I have been reading books. And I've been trying to take advantage of uncomfortable moments to lean into them rather than run away from them. Like, I'm really squeamish, and I haven't tackled that yet, but in little ways I sometimes won't turn away from a gross thought or idea. Maybe even an image. I was watching a movie last night, and a hospital scene came on, and at first I instinctively turned away. But then I took a deep breath and decided I was going to look, and be there with the scene, no matter what happened. Stuff like that, I do here and there. And usually when my brother irritates me, I take a breath and broaden my perspective and remind myself he just wants to be happy too, and he won't be around forever, and it softens me up.
I just have so much fear, still. Confusion. Maybe it's mostly confusion and uncertainty. And like I have nothing to hold onto. I am in a transition in my life, as well. I just graduated from college. I'm at home for the summer and am going to move across the country to start my new job in a couple of months. But even when I get there and have my own place and my own routine, I still won't have anything to hold onto, even though it may feel more like I do. I don't know, it's like, now that I've seen certain truths I can't go back to things that used to give me comfort. There's always that little pair of eyes looking at me from the back of my mind that knows exactly what I'm doing. But at the same time as I can't go back, I don't really know where I'm going. It seems like I've given up so much. I question things I used to hold true. I can't lay on the couch and watch a movie and whole heartedly believe I'll never get sick and die. I can't put all my faith in my dreams. I can't think, "one day I'll be a famous rockstar and then everything will be awesome!" I can't think, "one day I'll have the perfect partner, and then I'll be happy with them forever."
I still spend time each day entertaining the things that have always made me happy. I still read fan fiction, still daydream, still put on makeup and do my hair and getting dressed so that I can look hot. Because it makes me feel good. It's just like...these things are a little see-through. They aren't so solid anymore. And sometimes I look around me and everything just seems so unreal. And it scares me. It feels like it's leaving me with nothing but my fears.
I've had anxiety for a couple of years now. It all started with a fear of fainting, and that's pretty much what I'm left with now. I always bring food with me, and water, wherever I go. And when I get nervous I start nibbling on something or taking sips of water. As if I need it to be okay. As if being okay is so totally important. Whatever "okay" means. Sometimes I'll feel great, and then I'll remember how bad it would be to faint, and then I start to feel like I'm going to...it's just so obviously anxiety, but it just still gets me. And I mean, I'm not afraid of panic attacks anymore, can just ride them through, and just overall I have a much better relationship with my anxiety than I used to, but this fainting thing... I don't even know if it's important to this topic, but moment by moment it's my biggest fear.
I just hope maybe somebody can give me some advice. Like, recognize where I am, and maybe give me some pointed advice. I'd really like to get a formal teacher when I settle down with my new job and stuff. Or at least find a temple I can go to.
I know from experience that things have to get worse before they can get better. I guess I'm just hoping that I'm on the right track. I do experience short times of peace and clarity. They are just kinda few and far between. It just feels like I'm caught somewhere between where I used to be and where I want to go. And maybe the entire path is like that...I don't know. A part of me just wants to run back, but the other part of me knows it's no use. But taking steps forward is just so... I don't even know. I just don't know where I'm going and what it's supposed to feel like. And maybe more than anything, I don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading. I know it's a long post. I guess that is what happens when I'm not exactly sure what I want to say.
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Comments
Where are you going?
As to the rest, you might find the works of Pema Chodron helpful. She has videos on YouTube and has written a lot. As far as I know she has had to deal with chronic pain or fibromyalgia or something similar, as well as (to my knowledge) depression. She doesn't sugar-coat things, but it seems to be about realistic acceptance of where we are.
To deal, I would eat (ironically), drink or take anxiety medications. I'd also pace around, as if being up and walking would help. I absolutely could not stay still or try to sleep or it was worse. So, I know where you're coming from.
A beautiful thing happens when you meditate. If you've been studying the teachings and follow a moral life that accords with them the mind usually has settled down enough that it can admit to itself certain truths. These truths come as deep, penetrative insights into the nature of itself and all reality.
When the mind begins to relinquish its grasp on being separate from everything else, on desiring (or rather needing) to exist forever, and the like.....a lot of anxieties and fears drop away. I haven't had the 'heart attack' anxiety ever since.
And so my recommendation would be to meditate. Not to calm yourself so that you don't faint, but to open your mind's eye and uproot the views that allow the anxiety to happen in the first place. Insight meditation is the key to mental tranquility. I hope this helps.
Namaste
swimming at a nice beach or ocean; walking in the forest, hills or mountains
breathing air , connecting the body with the elements
meditation is the same...connecting
also, finding a nice dharma group can help; connecting with other people in an accepting way
but being in nature helps alot
the buddha recommending spending time in nature
may you be at ease and breathe
kind regards
Cristina,
I can understand how difficult it can be, once we begin to see through the "old way" and our "old patterns" before we are strong enough to work with them skillfully. DDs words about getting into nature are well targeted, it could be said that not meditating is perhaps the biggest problem with what you're experiencing.
You have all of these thoughts, running around in your head, and as you open your mind to the moment even more come in... like watching yourself do all of the old patterns like dressing "hot" and getting mad at your brother. Having these experiences without meditating is like stuffing food into your mouth without chewing the last bit of food. Eventually your mind feels stuffed... it can be painful!
If you can get to a meditation instructor, that would be awesome. I really related to a book called Turning the Mind Into an Ally by Sakyong Mipham... if you can't feasibly get to a teacher yet. Really, getting into a more peaceful state of mind requires meditation. Especially when we open ourselves up to see some of the teachings... we need to cultivate the kind of roots which can experience the world in this way.
With warmth,
Matt
I'm moving near to Seattle, WA.
Thanks for all your comments, guys.
I do really enjoy Pema Chodron books, and I have Turning the Mind into an Ally sitting behind me, lol. It is a great book.
Another teacher and meditation master from the Tibetan tradition who teaches a lot in the west is Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. I mentioned Rinpoche because he himself used to suffer from panic attacks and anxiety when he was younger. He speaks a little about this in his book Joyful Wisdom. He also mentions different ways to deal with these kinds of thoughts and emotions. I think that his teaching style is suitable for Westerners of today's society, teaching and giving advice in a way that the everyday person can find useful.
Another Teacher I found to be helpful is Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche. This is a link to the first part of a teaching he gave. Thought it was pretty good!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8504LB524s
Hope this may help
Mani
on top of the other nice reply here, just maybe keep in mind to take it easy.
relax, rest, don't worry, chill etc... lay back, nothing is that important.
Don't worry too much about your "groundlessness" either, or your future, or how you may feel in the future if you don't resolve your "groundlessness"...
just keep an interest in your Buddhism, practice meditation, and let everything sink in naturally.
patbb, golly, if I had a quarter for every time someone told me to relax... Haha. Yeah, that's a big obsticle for me. Although looking at it as an obsticle isn't helpful, in the same way that looking at "finding peace" as a "self improvement project" isn't helpful. I've always been high strung, angry, extremely passionate, argumentative...you name it. Quite the achiever. These are all very Western qualities I guess. But I'm so sensitive I can't deal with all the stress anymore!! Haha, and maybe that is a blessing. In the long run anyway. Thanks for the reminder to take it easy. I forget it all too often.
I'm not sure if your on the edge or if you are just having some passing thoughts. Thats something that is hard for me to tell. In a sense there is groundlessness but there always has been. We are not losing anything and we exist in the space of all the buddhas and bodhisattvas! Be well
Sounds terrific thats very brave of you. I think it feels good to ease up yet at the same time be careful not to become a doormat. You can let your feelings known you just need to be skillful at expressing them without becomeing over run with the anger and so forth..
Just be here now in this remarkable moment. From the karma of this moment you are building a future.
I sense a little bit of a sadness to that. Trungpa rinpoche calls that sadness the genuine heart of compassion that a 'warrior' developes. A warrior not of aggression but who is brave enough to see reality and see himself. I recommend the book Smile(ing?) at Fear by Trungpa Rinpoche. I am reading it now and it really addresses these points. Another book is Start Where You Are by his student Pema Chodron.
Yeah its interesting isn't it. When we finally let go and relax a bit ironically we may feel better. Not that you shouldn't keep hydrated hehe! Or you could be hypoglycemic sometimes?
Yeah it is a fear. It is.
I wish you the best! PM me if you want to receive email teachings from my teacher. Examples of students questions and her answers.
Theres a point where the path has gone far enough that we see we can't just go back to ignoring it and dulling out our minds or grasping (smearing) bits of pleasure onto ourselves. We have to address this dukkha once and for all and it just keeps coming up. Know that the seeds you plant today will bear fruit, but keep a light touch and be gentle with yourself.
That was a really heartfelt sincere post. I hope that anything I said was helpful, and I felt that I had felt a lot of what you expressed in the past for me. Those books I recommended I feel they really address these struggles and I wonder if you could find some direction from them though I hope you do find a teacher.
QFT Jeffrey
Here's my 2 cents: Maybe try being open to the fear. I'm always afraid of the unknown, but usually the fear and anxiety of something is worse than the actual experience itself. I say go ahead, jump in. Surrender your security, your control, just give it all up. It may or may not be as bad as you think.
A person can read every book about swimming ever made, and practice 'and swimming' for hours, but that will not prepare them for the water. The best practice for swimming is swimming.
Good luck Cristina!
Seattle should be just fine. Lots of Buddhist stuff going on up there. If you can stand the rainy winters, you should be just fine.
I would be happy as a little pig in mud if I was in Seattle.
Commit to a set of values you hold dear.
Take action based on those values.
Don't be too tough on yourself - it's OK to screw up.
Namaste
I have a bit of a different take than the others on what you might be going through. To me, and I could be totally wrong, it sounds a lot like growing pains. The Buddhist path is not always a smooth, easy, comfortable path. It can have very sharp edges and it can make the mind ache, especially in the beginning. I went through, and still sometimes go through, some of the stuff you're describing. But I see it as a normal, healthy, and important part of following this path for me.
We're fundamentally and profoundly changing the way our minds work. Buddhism is a religion for those who are ready to grow up. But it's only natural that we would feel discomfort and confusion during the process. Growing up and leaving the things of childhood behind is often painful until we get a little further down the road where we start seeing the benefits of doing so.
It sounds like you have one foot on the dock and the other foot in the boat and the boat is starting to drift away. Not the most comfortable feeling in the world. But it's not going to last, as you know and should keep reminding yourself for two reasons: First, it's a comfort to remind ourselves that these mind states will not be with us forever. Second, it gives us the chance to use these uncomfortable but very juicy feelings to further our practice and to get to know our minds better.
From what I've read of your posts so far you've got a great handle on all the fundamentals, especially your understanding of the benefits of relaxing into pain and discomfort rather than avoiding them or wallowing in them. That's a biggie, especially for everyday life and practice.
You don't have to feel totally groundless though because there is something totally reliable you can count on; the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha. You can get great comfort by taking refuge in those jewels. Those three jewels are the only things in this world we can actually hold on to.
You said you sometimes want to run back to what you used to know and I think a lot of us have experienced the same thing. I know I have. I sometimes felt like a little child wanting to run back into the safety and security of my parents' arms. Yet it wasn't long before I realized that I could no longer find comfort and security there. I knew I had to finally grow up and learn how to stand confidently on my own two feet with the security and guidance of the Dhamma because I had grown more confident in the Buddha's teachings. I'd experienced for myself so many of their truths which gave me more and more confidence in my ability to use the Dhamma to develop psycho-spiritually.
I think it's totally okay to be feeling the things you're feeling and thinking the things you're thinking right now. I think it's a natural progression for you, you're not going to feel this way forever, and you have the skills and understanding to find ways to benefit from them right now.
When I get anxious I often stop everything and repeat the Refuge vow to myself a few times. Give it a try. It could help you in the moment.
And definitely get meditating. Regularly. It's important. In fact, it may be one of the most important things you ever do. I know it is for me. It changes everything. It's important and you need it. We all do.
Okay, I promise to stop preaching at you now except for saying this: It's clear that you're on the right path, you've already developed some great skills and understandings, and you have every right to have confidence in yourself and your ability to live the Dhamma, to be the Dhamma, as Ajahn Chah would say.
That thought has stayed with me, and helps me in times of doubt. One step at a time.
Namaste.
Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche also mentions panic attacks in his book "The Joy of Living "
His offline talks are very entertaining.:)
This reading material might be helpful. "The Problem of Personality " by Ajahn Sumedho
http://www.abhayagiri.org/main/article/593/#top
In terms of being grounded, Dhamma Dhatu gave some very good advice #4
.
All is unfolding as it should. Just relax and let it happen. Finding a compatible sangha will be very helpful, as you won’t feel so isolated when you interact with those who see what you see.
You’re doing fine!
Many later Buddhist teachings (Ch'an, for example, as in the teachings of Master Hsing Yun in Clouds and Water) talk about the difference between having and not having for those who need reminders of the have-nots and the relativity of material resources. This is available free online as a PDF. I often find myself being thankful for having the resources I have had, the "precious human life" and the material resources so often mentioned in Vajrayana and Mahayana writings that give us the opportunity to be able to study Dharma in the first place. And I myself would be really glad to be going to Seattle with all the Dharma resources that are there.
http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/cloudwater6.pdf is the Cloud and Water by Hsing Yun. There is also a Shambala Center in Seattle, and of course we know that Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche was Pema Chodron's teacher.
http://www.seattle.shambhala.org/
Pema Chodron has been quoted as saying that instead of inspirational refrigerator magnets, those little things with the smiley faces that say "Today is the first day of the rest of your life", or something similar, we should have a refrigerator magnet that says ABANDON HOPE. I think what she's trying to say is that almost anything we turn to for "comfort" or "refuge" in times of fear or anxiety are actually just "babysitters" and that we should give that up too and just sit with the fear/anxiety and experience what it is telling us. Mingyur Rinpoche says that we should "make friends" with things like that, enter into dialogues with them even, and hear what they have to teach us.
I have had an anxiety/depression spectrum issue for roughly 35 years. I have really just learned to sit still and listen to that and be with it in the past year. But for many people, that's what it takes to learn to experience the anxiety and fear for what it is.
Well anyway, then I remembered, "Relax! Don't worry about it so much." And I had a little chuckle. It's totally true. I bet you, if I tried, I could find a million and one things to stress over. But none of them would be important enough to stress over, not really. Haha. Anyway, thanks again everybody.