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Helping my Girlfriend
Talisman
Veteran
-Some background:
I live with my girlfriend. We've been together almost 3 years and have lived together since we started dating. She was raised protestant, and attended church and bible studies all through school. As long as I have known her, however, she has not been to church once or cracked a bible, or ever spoken a prayer before a meal, etc. As far as I can tell, she puts very little thought into her religious aspirations, at least at this time of her life.
Myself; I was never a very religious person. Neither of my parents enforced any religious beliefs, and my father encouraged self-discovery and academic pursuits. I have always been a "deep" person and many of the concepts that have drawn me to Buddhism were notions I developed through personal insight when I was much younger. When I met my girlfriend, I had not begun studying Buddhism at all, and have only taken and ernest interest in the studies within the last year or so.
-Moving forward:
My girlfriend has a series of issues that cause discontent and unrest for herself. Specifically:
-She is a terrible gossip. She is drawn to the drama and general disharmony among friends, neighbors, coworkers, and even among her and I. She loves talking about other peoples issues on facebook and seeing the same kinds of drama on tv and among celebrities, etc. This obviously can cause strife and discontent for herself and others.
-She is also extremely attached to me, and very concerned that I am going to leave her or worse, cheat on her. This goes to an almost unhealthy degree, in that she is jealous of women on tv, in magazines, in line at the grocery store, on posters from when I was a kid, even girlfriends from when I was in middle school, etc. I can't accept friend requests on facebook from girls I graduated with, without her being suspicious and questioning me. Keep in mind that I have never cheated on her, and that these fears are primarily grounded in her attachment to me and her dilusional concepts of self. This kind of attachment leads her to be unhappy, suspicious, and leads to many an argument.
-She is terrified of death. I believe that this is possibly the worst suffering that she endures, and it takes many forms.
First of all, during the day and in regular conversation, she refuses to discuss death and will forcibly change the subject if it ever gets to the topic of death, the purpose of life, or the existence or nature of God or the eternal soul.
The only time she ever discusses death is at night while we are in bed together. Most of the time, it involves her waking me up in the middle of the night crying. She tells me that she was just up thinking about her death and that she is scared and doesnt know what to think or do, and that's when I talk to her and try to help her.
Typically, the reason that she is scared is that she is worried that when she dies that she will cease exist and that I won't exist, and that her family and memories and everything that she is will disappear. I usually address this by trying to explain, simply, that the reason she fears these things is because of wrong views and I try to explain as best I can the nature of our suffering and why these things plague all people, as I have come to understand through the study of Buddhism and many other philosophies and sciences.
The issue:
As much as I try to help her, there is only so much I can say without turning to the Dharma and expressing the teachings of the Buddha, which have helped me immensely. The reason I don't explicitly state the Buddha's teachings while helping her, is that if I even mention Buddha or Buddhism or anything to do with a religion that is not Chritianity, she SHUTS DOWN. And I mean SHUTS DOWN SHUTS DOWN. She refuses to listen and just goes on about how she already has her beliefs, and that she already has her religion.
I try telling her, then, that if she is unhappy and scared that she should at least have faith in her own beliefs if that will help her. But then she says, "But everyone around me is constantly talking about how wrong Christianity is, and how Christians are stupid, and the bible is wrong," etc. I tell her that it doesnt matter what others are saying, and that she should believe the things that help her to lead a happier life. None of this works, it's a constant back and forth cycle, and her suffering is never abated.
I have faith enough in the Dharma, that if she took a moment to reflect upon it's teachings and direct her life toward the virtues of the 8-fold path, that she will be a happier and more peaceful person.
-How can I approach her, and help her to understand her suffering from the context of the Dharma?
-How can a Buddhist practitioner approach and aid any person who refuses to listen to the teachings?
-Have any of you had a similar experience?
**sorry for the long post :crazy:
I live with my girlfriend. We've been together almost 3 years and have lived together since we started dating. She was raised protestant, and attended church and bible studies all through school. As long as I have known her, however, she has not been to church once or cracked a bible, or ever spoken a prayer before a meal, etc. As far as I can tell, she puts very little thought into her religious aspirations, at least at this time of her life.
Myself; I was never a very religious person. Neither of my parents enforced any religious beliefs, and my father encouraged self-discovery and academic pursuits. I have always been a "deep" person and many of the concepts that have drawn me to Buddhism were notions I developed through personal insight when I was much younger. When I met my girlfriend, I had not begun studying Buddhism at all, and have only taken and ernest interest in the studies within the last year or so.
-Moving forward:
My girlfriend has a series of issues that cause discontent and unrest for herself. Specifically:
-She is a terrible gossip. She is drawn to the drama and general disharmony among friends, neighbors, coworkers, and even among her and I. She loves talking about other peoples issues on facebook and seeing the same kinds of drama on tv and among celebrities, etc. This obviously can cause strife and discontent for herself and others.
-She is also extremely attached to me, and very concerned that I am going to leave her or worse, cheat on her. This goes to an almost unhealthy degree, in that she is jealous of women on tv, in magazines, in line at the grocery store, on posters from when I was a kid, even girlfriends from when I was in middle school, etc. I can't accept friend requests on facebook from girls I graduated with, without her being suspicious and questioning me. Keep in mind that I have never cheated on her, and that these fears are primarily grounded in her attachment to me and her dilusional concepts of self. This kind of attachment leads her to be unhappy, suspicious, and leads to many an argument.
-She is terrified of death. I believe that this is possibly the worst suffering that she endures, and it takes many forms.
First of all, during the day and in regular conversation, she refuses to discuss death and will forcibly change the subject if it ever gets to the topic of death, the purpose of life, or the existence or nature of God or the eternal soul.
The only time she ever discusses death is at night while we are in bed together. Most of the time, it involves her waking me up in the middle of the night crying. She tells me that she was just up thinking about her death and that she is scared and doesnt know what to think or do, and that's when I talk to her and try to help her.
Typically, the reason that she is scared is that she is worried that when she dies that she will cease exist and that I won't exist, and that her family and memories and everything that she is will disappear. I usually address this by trying to explain, simply, that the reason she fears these things is because of wrong views and I try to explain as best I can the nature of our suffering and why these things plague all people, as I have come to understand through the study of Buddhism and many other philosophies and sciences.
The issue:
As much as I try to help her, there is only so much I can say without turning to the Dharma and expressing the teachings of the Buddha, which have helped me immensely. The reason I don't explicitly state the Buddha's teachings while helping her, is that if I even mention Buddha or Buddhism or anything to do with a religion that is not Chritianity, she SHUTS DOWN. And I mean SHUTS DOWN SHUTS DOWN. She refuses to listen and just goes on about how she already has her beliefs, and that she already has her religion.
I try telling her, then, that if she is unhappy and scared that she should at least have faith in her own beliefs if that will help her. But then she says, "But everyone around me is constantly talking about how wrong Christianity is, and how Christians are stupid, and the bible is wrong," etc. I tell her that it doesnt matter what others are saying, and that she should believe the things that help her to lead a happier life. None of this works, it's a constant back and forth cycle, and her suffering is never abated.
I have faith enough in the Dharma, that if she took a moment to reflect upon it's teachings and direct her life toward the virtues of the 8-fold path, that she will be a happier and more peaceful person.
-How can I approach her, and help her to understand her suffering from the context of the Dharma?
-How can a Buddhist practitioner approach and aid any person who refuses to listen to the teachings?
-Have any of you had a similar experience?
**sorry for the long post :crazy:
0
Comments
After all, there are plenty of Christians that also follow Buddhist philosophy. Shakyamuni himself said that the path to enlightenment isn't a religion... (This is what they mean by skillful means). The proper channels aren't always so clear when it comes to trying to help someone at least lessen their suffering. Of course, one of the core aspects we have to develop is patience...
Tell her what you told us, that she has an unhealthy attachment in your relationship. Be gentle of course and say so in a loving way. Maybe explain to her that you can still love a person without being so attached to them. The attachment is just a trick of the ego and she's feeding it with anxious energy.
I can't give you too much advice because I don't know her personally. If someone really doesn't want to be helped then there isn't much you can do. People will make up all kinds of things to justify how they feel. "I'm supposed to feel this way. Its normal to be this way. I've always been the jealous kind of person."
So..yeah, I dunno..just my 2 cents.
You can't 'tell'.
You can only 'show'.
There isn't anything you can say to convince her of anything.
you can only demonstrate through your actions and your Right View, Intention and Speech - that whatever she is doing, isn't working, and that whatever you are doing, does.
Its up to her in the end.
On another note: I feel that the position of "there's nothing that you can do," or "it's not your job," goes against the concepts of the Boddhisattva path and the idea of engaged Buddhism. In the pursuit of enlightening others, I am certain that there will be many nay-sayers and ignorant fools, trapped by their delusions and desires. These are the very people who need the truths of the Dharma the most, in order to rescue them from an endless cycle of suffering.
Working off of my original post; how could a Boddhisattva, endowed with perfection of wisdom, attend to the suffering lot who, blinded by ignorance, cannot see the light of truth, or turn away from it out of confusion and fear?
like: wanting to help someone is one thing, but if the result is hurting that person as oppose to helping her, you're not helping her at all so stop.
You need to be okay with her being her.
One day she may learn to be more peaceful, but she may not.
You have to work on yourself and your anxiety to "fix" her.
she is not your patient.
when you have gain more experience, you may understand this position.
Again, if by trying to help you end up hurting her, you are not helping anyone. You are hurting her and you and creating bad karma for her and you.
Boddhisattva's job doesn't include hurting anyone.
the thing is that you seem to believe you can force someone to accept help.
Once you realize that you can't, you will begin to see the actual tools that you have to help others, and theses tools will be far more limited than you originally imagined.
I know it must be a very difficult situation for you, you want to help so much and it seem to you that "if only she would do this easy thing or that easy thing..."...
But that urge of wanting to change what is is something that you will have to work on for yourself.
and you will do what you will do, and learn from experience, but please just don't push too hard and think of the results of your actions a bit, not just your noble intentions.
As you grow spiritually, perhaps she will pick up on it. perhaps not. But nevertheless, the more you can manage to grow and become peaceful, harmless and loving, everyone will benefit regardless of their own problems.
with love
If she's really a christian, dont judge her or help her anymore. Instead of judging, set the example. Never fuel conversations you think are negative. The fact you don't know what to do means it is not up to you. it is up to her. She needs to learn to let go, and by reconnecting with "God" or "Jesus" "love" "herself" whatever you want to call it. She will find her way.
You can set up a monument of signs and arrows and fireworks pointing to the correct path, but she will only see chaos everywhere and signs pointing in every direction.
Have her read Proverbs. Then stop trying to solve her problem.
The question is, can YOU deal with it? Do you have the patience?
Lead by example, don't preach, just practice the 8FP. You can give credit for the good things in your life to Buddhism (not too often). If she sees that it works in long term, she may start to re-evaluate her views. Change isn't guaranteed and is a slow process. So, again, can you deal with that?
I don't think leaving her is a smart or helpful thing to do.
So, let her know you can help her and all she needs to do is ask and that she needs to trust you. Offer help if she asks for it, otherwise don't even bring up Buddhism.
There's a reason I've been with her for 3 years, and trust me there's a lot more going on in our relatiponship than a difference of world view. The greatest thing that we have in common is our love for one-another, and I've just had a difficult time explaining many Buddhist concepts to her, which isnt her or my fault.
I was just trying to start a conversation.
Has she tried therapy? The irrational fears of you cheating/leaving or of death might be manifestations of some deeper anxiety. I had great luck with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and would recommend it to anyone.
ahhhh im sorry I jumped the gun
well then if I were you, I would try working within her perspective (if you haven't already) I would see what her perceptions of evil(satan) are. If she really does not like these thoughts/ideas and feels that afraid, labeling them as evil she can overcome with the help of God, may help her understand the root source of the anxiety and fear. Because once she "trusts in Him" she may be able to free her mind, feeling safe, and consciously look at the situation. I've had similar experiences in the past where I would see horrible images in my mind for weeks and say to myself "no thats not me" and then say a prayer to Jesus for peace and love in my heart. Buddhism simplified things for me indefinitely(Im sure you see the parallels), but that is the path I took to overcome my fears when I believed in only christianity. Best of luck!
You can also break up with her if you need to. When you know that.
But even the Buddha could not teach the Dharma to anyone who was not seeking it. You have found a great treasure and want to share it with someone you care about. But, she doesn't want your words, so she wants you as a companion, not a teacher. So help her by being the loving companion she deserves to have and continuing your own practice.
I say this not because I think you should try to force the wisdom of the buddha on her, but because it seems to me at this point that she is walking a parallel path to the one the buddha walked before he became enlightened. As such, if she could learn to calm her mind by exercising those techniques then perhaps the spells wherein she wakes you up with the fear of death might reduce in number until such time she can figure out on her own a means to deal with such disturbing thoughts. Just a thought.:D
If not then sadly, I fear the misery for her(and you to some degree also) will go on as others here have noted.
Best wishes to you.:rockon:
Nanimo
So last night I had some more experience in regards to this issue. My girlfriend and I had just made love, and she came to me and said that right afterwards she had to keep herself from crying. I asked her why she felt like crying.
She said that she was scared of dying and losing me. She broke down and started crying in my arms. I asked her why she had been thinking about things like that. She said that she loves me so much, and that she feels like we've become to so connected to one-another especially in the last couple of months. She said that she's scared that at any moment she or I could die and that she would be left alone, in some purgatory or hell, and that she'll never be able to see me or hold me again.
I did my best to console her and explained that these kinds of fears happen to everyone. I told her that yes, everyone is eventually going to die, and that it can be at any moment. I did my best to explain to her that that these fears are created by our attachments, and that it's fine and good for her to feel connected to me and to feel close to me, but that she shoudlnt be attached to me, because it will only bring her suffering.
I asked her if she still believes in heaven and God, and she said she doesnt know anymore becuase it's been so long since she went to church or read the gospel, etc. I told her that even if she is still Christian that she shouldnt be attached or concerned about losing me, becuase after death she will be united with God.
I did my best to let her know that the purpose of the Buddhist path is to confront the source of our suffering and fears in order to live a happier and more peaceful existence. I didn't get into anyhting very complex, I just told her that the effects of our love, through our actions words and thoughts, effect and will continue to effect all things forever and that even if we perish and our memories and bodies dissolve, that it doesn't diminish the value of our love or its effect on the universe.
She seemed a lot calmer and happier after talking and we got back ot enjoying our evening. When it came time for me to do my night meditation before bed, I asked her if she wanted to meditate with me. She seemed really happy that I had asked and agreed to. I taught her the basics and we had a shared meditation time for about a half hour. It was a great experience, and I'm really glad that everything worked out all right.
Thanks for the advice guys.
" I cannot take away your pain like pulling a thorn out of flesh, Nor can I wash away your negativities like getting dirt out of clothes, Nor can I take you by the hand to liberation and enlightenment, all I can do is show you the path and you must be willing to walk it "
People have suffered since beginingless time we do what we can in our own limited capacity, Only Buddhas can help others really by granting their blessings and giving perfect wisdom It is said that there is not one person who does not receive a kindness from the Buddhas, Everytime we experience happiness and a peacefull mind it is the Buddhas granting their blessings.
Aspire to become a Buddha for not only her benifit but for the countless other beings traped in this great ocean of suffering.
Why justify one person's deceit by attaching yourself to her because she lets you deceive her? A bond of desperation!
Where is a relationship in the full meaning, and how do you find two people who want to find it at the same time and in the same place? You don't! You do it alone. You don't TRY to get someone interested. It's invasive.
Sorry friend I just read the OP
By reflecting that you too are trapped by suffering you will feel less distance. More compassion (com means with) and less pity. Not that you have pity but the idea is less distance. Togetherness.
As it seems you are finding out, the situation may be much more workable than it first appeared. Being afraid of impermanence is a very strong motivator. She is grappling with issues of attachment and loss that are exactly the drivers to dive deeply into the greater philosophical issues in life. My wife dealt with many of these issues because of her father dying when she was 18 and then her brother of cancer at 40. it is definitely worth exploring these feelings together to understand where they come from. That alone will build tremendous trust and intimacy in the relationship.
Your commitment and resolve can provide the reassurance that she needs and seeing the positive role that Buddhism plays in your life over time will make her fear of the unknown abate. I would strongly suggest that both of you read one of Pema Chodron's books together, such as:
The Places that Scare You, or
When Things Fall Apart
These are not at all complicated and filled with great advice about daily life that anyone can apply regardless of whether they identify as a Buddhist or Christian.
The things that right now seem like such big obstacles you may find in the end are actually helpers on the path.
Good luck and all the best!
Karma Dorje
Thanks for the response and I'll definitely look into those titles. I've seen those suggested before.
I feel that you and your partner both should focus on one thing; COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! Consider how fortunate you are to have this time together. Consider how things could be much worse at a time when young people are sent to war to kill and die. Think about the homeless people of the world, those who have no food or water, who have been ravaged by floods, earthquakes, disease.
Take stock in what you have, and the potential that you have to enjoy happiness, affluence, health and long life.
I strongly urge you not to speak about attachment, religion, death, or anything at all heavy. Just count your blessings.
Talisman I did read your later post and I think that it is good that your partner and you did meditation together, and I hope that you will continue. Also there are other signs that things are going well, but of course there will be tough times ahead, we can always count on that.
So count your blessings!