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Fear, so much fear.
I seem to wander back here from time to time when I feel like I have a big problem and need some validation and support... 
I appreciate you guys very much.
I always seem to get caught up in these "darkest before the dawn" experiences. And I'm learning more and more to surrender and let go, to trust in basic goodness that is all around me and not in the demons of fear/confusion/panic that I create in my mind. But I feel like almost all of my time is spent with at least some fear. Sometimes so great I can't see anything else, other times just teasing me from the background so I can't completely relax. Like I need to hold on or else I'll disappear. Here's how I've been meditating lately:
I lay down in bed and put my hands on my lap with my thumbs and index fingers just barely touching. Always I get a lot of energy built up there, irritation, and even though my fingers are barely touching it feels like they are terribly heavy. I have been telling myself that I have no control over my body, that I couldn't move even if I wanted to, and that helps me to do the best I can to be satisfied with whatever my current state is. And I end up staying motionless for a long time, focused on the breath, barely feeling my body. Sometimes I'll get dizzy, like I'm spinning. Usually I end up in a very relaxed state and come out of it after some time, like 45 minutes or so, naturally. I don't fall asleep, if you were thinking that, lol. Actually one time I did fall asleep! But that is when I had my head turned a bit to the side. Is there anything about meditating laying down vs sitting up? I have a hard time sitting still for so long, and I worry about circulation in my legs and stuff. Laying down means I can really be still and if nothing else I know that no matter what I think I'm experiencing, my body is about as safe as can be.
Um, so, that's how my meditation has been going. Now...I've been really overwhelmed lately. I mostly haven't been going to work, and when I do go, it's all I can do to just sit there, to be there, with the fear. I can sometimes get some work done but mostly just no. Like, the work I do (software engineering) requires like, some thought you know! And you frequently run into little annoying problems that take some smarts to get around, but I just crumble at them instead. It becomes a huge problem. And so I've been stuck on this one tiny problem for days and days and the deadline is way past and I wake up each morning in fear, spend a couple of hours reading and struggling with myself to find the motivation to get out of bed. (I do it all for love.) Then have lots of reruns with the fear throughout the day and am usually quite worn out by the end of it! Which meditation helps with.
And don't even get me started about being around people. So I've been out here like 4 months now on my own. No roommates or anything, no friends, no family. Just the people I see at work at on the streets. I've been happy but started to feel isolated and like it would be a good idea to meet some people. And I met some people yesterday, and it was so weird! And afterward this guy walked me home and it was just soooo weird! I was nervous, I was awkward, I think I must have been dissociating a little, which I think I dislike more than anything, but at the same time I found little pockets of being incredibly perceptive and open and warm that I don't think would have been there if I were behaving "normally."
What I'm really hoping for, to be honest, is someone to say, "oh yeah I've felt like that before, that's happened to me. It's going to be okay, you're just having growing pains. Stick with it!" I seek validation and encouragement, and my worst fear is that someone will tell me there's something wrong with me. I know that this is kind of a problem in itself...and I'm slowly learning to accept myself and my life for what it is, but gosh, it just sure helps if someone can tell me I'm not alone and that I'm not going down a horribly wrong path. Thanks for reading and I hope you are well. Take care,
Cristina
Oh wait one more thing! I really wish I had a teacher. I live near Seattle. If you know of a good place I can go, like with real monks that I can talk to about my experiences and maybe get some guidance and even a sense of community, please let me know.
I appreciate you guys very much.I always seem to get caught up in these "darkest before the dawn" experiences. And I'm learning more and more to surrender and let go, to trust in basic goodness that is all around me and not in the demons of fear/confusion/panic that I create in my mind. But I feel like almost all of my time is spent with at least some fear. Sometimes so great I can't see anything else, other times just teasing me from the background so I can't completely relax. Like I need to hold on or else I'll disappear. Here's how I've been meditating lately:
I lay down in bed and put my hands on my lap with my thumbs and index fingers just barely touching. Always I get a lot of energy built up there, irritation, and even though my fingers are barely touching it feels like they are terribly heavy. I have been telling myself that I have no control over my body, that I couldn't move even if I wanted to, and that helps me to do the best I can to be satisfied with whatever my current state is. And I end up staying motionless for a long time, focused on the breath, barely feeling my body. Sometimes I'll get dizzy, like I'm spinning. Usually I end up in a very relaxed state and come out of it after some time, like 45 minutes or so, naturally. I don't fall asleep, if you were thinking that, lol. Actually one time I did fall asleep! But that is when I had my head turned a bit to the side. Is there anything about meditating laying down vs sitting up? I have a hard time sitting still for so long, and I worry about circulation in my legs and stuff. Laying down means I can really be still and if nothing else I know that no matter what I think I'm experiencing, my body is about as safe as can be.
Um, so, that's how my meditation has been going. Now...I've been really overwhelmed lately. I mostly haven't been going to work, and when I do go, it's all I can do to just sit there, to be there, with the fear. I can sometimes get some work done but mostly just no. Like, the work I do (software engineering) requires like, some thought you know! And you frequently run into little annoying problems that take some smarts to get around, but I just crumble at them instead. It becomes a huge problem. And so I've been stuck on this one tiny problem for days and days and the deadline is way past and I wake up each morning in fear, spend a couple of hours reading and struggling with myself to find the motivation to get out of bed. (I do it all for love.) Then have lots of reruns with the fear throughout the day and am usually quite worn out by the end of it! Which meditation helps with.
And don't even get me started about being around people. So I've been out here like 4 months now on my own. No roommates or anything, no friends, no family. Just the people I see at work at on the streets. I've been happy but started to feel isolated and like it would be a good idea to meet some people. And I met some people yesterday, and it was so weird! And afterward this guy walked me home and it was just soooo weird! I was nervous, I was awkward, I think I must have been dissociating a little, which I think I dislike more than anything, but at the same time I found little pockets of being incredibly perceptive and open and warm that I don't think would have been there if I were behaving "normally."
What I'm really hoping for, to be honest, is someone to say, "oh yeah I've felt like that before, that's happened to me. It's going to be okay, you're just having growing pains. Stick with it!" I seek validation and encouragement, and my worst fear is that someone will tell me there's something wrong with me. I know that this is kind of a problem in itself...and I'm slowly learning to accept myself and my life for what it is, but gosh, it just sure helps if someone can tell me I'm not alone and that I'm not going down a horribly wrong path. Thanks for reading and I hope you are well. Take care,
Cristina
Oh wait one more thing! I really wish I had a teacher. I live near Seattle. If you know of a good place I can go, like with real monks that I can talk to about my experiences and maybe get some guidance and even a sense of community, please let me know.
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Comments
Sounds like you need to study up more on meditation and Buddhism in general. Maybe Gil Fronsdal's series on meditation would be good, since they are detailed and address your questions regarding meditation.
Regarding work, fear of what?
Regarding other people. Other people are important, try cultivating compassion towards them.
I think you're doing the right thing by seeking out the community and a teacher.
I hope you work it all out, please do.
on a mat. He moves away, you bring it back and tells him to stay.
When you try to focus on your breath,your mind wanders,
gently bring it back. You may have to do this a few hundred times.......
Possibly... My exposure has been almost solely sort of Western books, like commentaries and teachings, and Ajahn Brahm videos. I haven't gotten into scriptures or anything like that.
I just don't like being there. Sometimes I don't like being here either. Being anywhere at all. Fear that I'll disappear, that I'll lose my mind, that I'll lose control. Sometimes I wonder who I am, I lose a sense of what my future will be like, I don't even know whether I'll still be here tomorrow or not, what day is it, what year is it, where am I? And I guess I think it's a huge problem to be so present, so stuck here in this moment. And to my ego it is a problem, because then it's got no ground to stand on! What is an ego if I don't have a past or a future? This is like, tantrums. Happens a lot. Big ones and little ones.
And yeah I love people! I just have been isolated for a while and it's all just very strange to me. I wish I had my old friends back, but they are around the country.
This is ridiculous. It's like, hitting a wall. Can't go on, but must go on. Impossible! I am creating a huge problem to hang onto my ego. I think this will resolve something like, "Yes Cristina, life really is like this." "Awww mannn..okay fine..." It's weird, amidst all this fear I can still kind of laugh at myself. I almost feel like I'm going mad, thinking I'll go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow and go to work. That sequence of events seems absolutely insane to me, like it would be crazy for me to do such a bold thing.
Sometimes I think it's not fair that I have so much fear in my life. Other times I think I'm really lucky that I have so many mundane opportunities to face my deepest fears. My biggest fear is always though, that I'm doing something wrong. Everything else pales in comparison. So that when I touch into the place where I know that fundamentally, everything is right...ahhhh, no better place to be.
Sounds to me like the only danger here is thinking that there is some sort of danger. The act of worrying is making your worries come true.
Buddhism is all about being present, there's nothing to fear in the present.
It's almost like you spend so much time detached from the present that your idea of what the present it is distorted into some dangerous place where you're the only one with flaws. There's nothing wrong with doing something wrong, that's how we learn.
So, when you meditate, spend more time in the present. Step outside of what you think the future will be like or what the past has been and just observe what IS, right here, right now.
When you feel fear, reflect on the present moment. How is that fear affecting you? How is that fear affecting the present moment? Is the present moment brining you fear or is it worrying about the future? Where is that fear coming from? What does it feel like? When does it stop? How does it stop? What's the path to make it stop?
Sorry about all the question, most of them are for you to answer to yourself, but also I lack understanding of the situation, so I can't help but ask questions.
I've been there. It is an excellent opportunity for practice. Eventually, I concluded that if I'm not at times I'm not getting any work done anyway, I might as well meditate while sitting at work. For me it was a perfect context for working with anxiety, and hugely productive in the end.
George Draffan is a teacher-student of my teacher. He sent me a practice recently in response to a similar question I asked on another board. I'm planning to attend a retreat with him in the Spring, if I'm in the US at that stage. He's in Seattle, and he's solid.
but i don't agree with this of course, enlightenment and liberation is within your reach Christina, don't ever let anyone convince you otherwise.
But you do not seem to have the ability and knowledge to do this on your own as of now. You will learn in time of course if you put in the effort.
Sometimes help and support from someone we can trust is the wisest approach.
Ideally, you will try to find a health care professional (psychiatrist) who also do meditation. You may be surprised to find out that they are fairly common.
I recommand you find one with extansive knowledge in meditation (a certification ideally) not because i necessarely believe that meditation will be the most helpful practice for you, but because it suggest that this person genuinely care for the science of the mind and it is far less likely to be a disillusioned pill pusher IMO.
To take care of yourself is the most important, and in this situation i believe the best way to take care of yourself is to seek help.
Take care
I was merely talking about the specific issue under discussion, not the possibility of enlightenment and liberation. Of course this is within everyone's reach.
I think what was/is happening is that my ego has been dying and a new one being born. I feel that so strongly right now, more than ever before. I had been assossiating with the dying ego, and when that ego was all like "I can't go on!" I felt as if I could also not go on. But last night I looked in the mirror and said goodbye, as I do sometimes, but then it struck me to also say thank you, because it has brought me this far, it has brought me right here and I was so grateful. And I think that kind of released it. Then I meditated for a while (sitting up! Haha) and went to bed.
Still a little fear, but nothing like what it has been. When I get that feeling "I cannot do this!" I feel a little hug, and a genuine "it's okay, you don't have to." Which is what I have been telling myself, but not whole heartedly I guess because I did kind of have to! Oh well, this may not even last, but I'm seeing my therapist later. Wish it was before work instead of after! Take care everyone and thank you.
Honey,
you're swimming around in your head. No, you're not going crazy, just thinking waaay too much. Yes, I've been there too, where my thoughts are making mountains out of molehills. Best advice? Get outside and go for a run or play some basketball. Then go to work and work until you feel that you've made some progress for that day. Lay off the meditation until you feel you've back on top of things. If you face the fear, you'll feel better right away.
It's like saying you are losing your theory of relativity... it just doesn't work that way.
However if you convince yourself that that's the case, then it becomes a real problem.
That's another thing I am confused about. Facing fears is something you have to do, telling yourself you don't have to isn't going to make them go away. If anything, it will cultivate them. It seems like a form of aversion where you're refusing to face the reality of the situation and convincing yourself it's not there.
Sorry, I read my posts and I think I might come across as a jerk. That's not the intent or the spirit in which I write this.
I'd advise you to not feel like you have to trust anyone to overcome fears. It's not about shunning other people. It's about learning to be self-reliant. And loving yourself.
So Buddhism warms your heart at times, it warms my heart to. But don't "surrender" yourself to anyone entity, group, philosophy, religion, etc
Trust in yourself. Only you know what's best for you. Don't try to so hard. Baby steps