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not sure what to do :/
i am new to buddhism and ive just started learning about the four noble truths .
(i havent got very far in understanding them)
they truely are showing me how things really are and how its our minds that basically play tricks on us.
that the pain and suffering i feel is because of how i percieve things to be when in all reality they arent that way.
when i get angry, annoyed, or have any other emotion i always stop my self and really reflect upon it
but theres only one thing im really having trouble with.
before i started getting into this i had a boyfriend who is smart beyond my own comprehension.
he sees the world for what it is and he was basically my teacher.
i was a very verrrrrrrrrrry ignorant person and had many insecurities about myself in our relationship.
he was there the entire time trying to show me what i didnt see.
but i was one who had alot of dust on the eyes, i thought i knew so much and understood but i really didnt.
i doubted much of his words when he was right because i didnt wanna hear the truth.
well now hes gone, hes given up on trying to help me and not mention that im pregnant with his child and think of him just as much as i do that im pregnant. sometimes im okay and i just say things happen for a reason
you'll live on, when we were together i wanted figure out the world understand it as he did
and know who i am and understand myself, and ever since the breakup thats allllll ive been interested in.
to me everythin happens for a reason i try to observe life see signs and ive noticed sooo much
has pointed to buddhism. its weird cuz i started looking into buddhism before i realized the signs i had seen
but it seems as tho im not trying to totally do it for myself, yeah i want to be an enlighened one and see
things for what they truely are and be happy with life and every aspect of it but i keep thinkin that im
also doing this to one day get him back im pretty positive about it acutally, but i started reading of buddhism just about a week ago i think and before i started reading on it he was already planning on going to mexico
and never coming back
so all hope to prove anything to him woulda been gone well i talked to his mom and turns out he couldnt go
im not to sure what to think of that or do, i really dont know what to do but keep learning about the 4 noble truths etc but becuz of alllll this i feel as tho i wont be able to ever not desire him
i dont want anybody but this guy i dont know what to do or what i could possibly say to make him take me back
i dont understand why i so desperately want him back, he told me i dont know what love is and truthfully i dont
he says i just like his knowledge and sex but i believe the feeling i have for him goes so much more beyond
lust and infatuation, i want no other beings in my life more then i want him and my child
please i just need any kind of advice
(i havent got very far in understanding them)
they truely are showing me how things really are and how its our minds that basically play tricks on us.
that the pain and suffering i feel is because of how i percieve things to be when in all reality they arent that way.
when i get angry, annoyed, or have any other emotion i always stop my self and really reflect upon it
but theres only one thing im really having trouble with.
before i started getting into this i had a boyfriend who is smart beyond my own comprehension.
he sees the world for what it is and he was basically my teacher.
i was a very verrrrrrrrrrry ignorant person and had many insecurities about myself in our relationship.
he was there the entire time trying to show me what i didnt see.
but i was one who had alot of dust on the eyes, i thought i knew so much and understood but i really didnt.
i doubted much of his words when he was right because i didnt wanna hear the truth.
well now hes gone, hes given up on trying to help me and not mention that im pregnant with his child and think of him just as much as i do that im pregnant. sometimes im okay and i just say things happen for a reason
you'll live on, when we were together i wanted figure out the world understand it as he did
and know who i am and understand myself, and ever since the breakup thats allllll ive been interested in.
to me everythin happens for a reason i try to observe life see signs and ive noticed sooo much
has pointed to buddhism. its weird cuz i started looking into buddhism before i realized the signs i had seen
but it seems as tho im not trying to totally do it for myself, yeah i want to be an enlighened one and see
things for what they truely are and be happy with life and every aspect of it but i keep thinkin that im
also doing this to one day get him back im pretty positive about it acutally, but i started reading of buddhism just about a week ago i think and before i started reading on it he was already planning on going to mexico
and never coming back
so all hope to prove anything to him woulda been gone well i talked to his mom and turns out he couldnt go
im not to sure what to think of that or do, i really dont know what to do but keep learning about the 4 noble truths etc but becuz of alllll this i feel as tho i wont be able to ever not desire him
i dont want anybody but this guy i dont know what to do or what i could possibly say to make him take me back
i dont understand why i so desperately want him back, he told me i dont know what love is and truthfully i dont
he says i just like his knowledge and sex but i believe the feeling i have for him goes so much more beyond
lust and infatuation, i want no other beings in my life more then i want him and my child
please i just need any kind of advice
0
Comments
The Four Noble Truths and included Noble Eightfold Path
Anicca (Impermanence), Anatta (Not-Self) and Dukkha ("that which is difficult to bear")
Meditation
Karma, esp. what are skillful and unskillful thoughts, speech and actions
The Five Precepts
Taking Refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha
What it boils down to is that life is the way life is; all of our suffering, our dissatisfaction and frustrations with life, is caused by imposing our expectations and our wants that are unrealistic. All things change, but we want stability. We age and die, but we want to live forever. We want sense pleasures, want to avoid that which is painful, but is this the way of life? The struggle goes on and on, until we take a hard look at what life is, what we are, and begin to accept what "is"; and then we find peace.
Namaste
I'm not sure what your feelings are for him at this point, but it sounds a little like regret and rejection, the wounded ego. I think for now try to not be clingy (always a risk when feeling rejected), because that'll just push him away. Do you have a support system for yourself, Curiousone? Is your mom or someone helping you?
I could talk to you about the Buddhist concept of "attachment", but I'm not sure that's going to help in the emotional state you're in. I think I'll leave it at this, for now, and see what others have to say.
Sorry if this isn't a scholarly reply, but it is heartfelt. My best wishes go out to you and the little one. May things get easier for the both of you.
i honestly am not sure, he wants to get out of the US and go to mexico he always has, he was willing to be there before and his mother knows about it shes so excited and wants him to be there so its hard to walk away from it without it being talked about
well he told me he was done and going to mexico and wouldnt talk to me so i decided to write him a letter as a final goodbye and closure for myself and we haven't said another word to one another
my lil brother went to his house to play with his lil brother and his mother dropped my brother off back home, my ex was in the car he didnt even look up at the house or acknowledge me it hurt but im not showing any sign of clingyness altho i am wanting to say something, anythin to him
feel free to explain the concept of attachment i'll take anything that may help me
hes much more focused on himself and his thinking right now, im pretty positive its mainly that hes scared hes 18 i'd be shittin my pants too, his mom knows about us not talking but its her boy and she has so much faith that he'll come around and as for my child he will be perfectly fine, im going to be 18 myself in a month so im still living with my mother and i have all the support in the world, im definately appreciative for that, my child won't suffer i definately am sure of it, i just hope that his father will come around he was happy about it when we were together, if he doesnt it'll hurt pretty bad, my father wasn't in my life at all he was young and scared too and i dont want that for my child cuz i know the experience :-/
Perhaps this personal account will help. My brother's fiancee was a teen mom. The father of her child pretty much bailed on them. He saw his kid only once, and had nothing more to do with them. Luckily, my brother stepped in. He helped raise the kid, and they both had another beautiful baby together. They are both extremely happy and in the process of planning a wedding.
So, things may seem pretty bleak right now. Just don't worry. If you have the confidence to persevere, things will get better. If the father doesn't come around, don't worry. He'll be the one missing out. You have a wonderful journey ahead of you, although at times it will get rough and may not seem so wonderful. You just have to keep strong - not just for your sake, but for the sake of your child.
Best wishes.
He doesn't sound very "knowledgeable" to me. He has an obligation to you and the baby. He doesn't have to resume the relationship he had with you before, but he does have to have a relationship with his child and you, as his child's mother and responsible party for his child.
I'm not sure of the legal process in your area, but you might have to seek counsel to set up support for your child. He was able to father this child biologically, so he can also father this child financially, in accourdance with the law.
Taking responsibility for a child will teach him more than running off to Mexico.
Responsibility is an Express Ticket on a rocketship ride to reality.
I wish you the best of health and good fortune on your child's birth. Please let us know how you are doing.
Namaste
What does he expect to find in Mexico? Poor living conditions? Bad Water? Unsanitary living? There's a reason why people are leaving Mexico and comming into America...
Anyways...on topic, I believe he should be there for you, if that is his child then he needs to be there for it, he needs to man up to something he caused to.
As for Buddhism, I'm glad you're wanting to become a Buddhist and I wish the best of luck to you on this path.
Namaste.
The therapist told me we do things that seem make sense at the time and there are hormones and peer pressures involved.
Looking back now I can see where I went wrong and what I should have said and done and what I was afraid of and what I was avoiding.
Could I have figured out all that stuff at the time I was doing it? I betcha I could have!
My advice? You got to punch and kick yourself out of the paper bag your that assumptions about yourself and the situation has created. What you are afraid of should be faced. What people are saying and you're not hearing should be heard. Options open to you that are not seeing should be sought after. What you are not seeing must be seen!
Back then I should have worked harder AND SMARTER in every way. Yes, I'm fine now and things get better. OTOH You can make things get better quicker! I wish I knew then what I know now. I actually THINK I did know these things back then but was too scared at the time to acknowledge that I knew them. Knowledge is power! It's scary too.
Just my POV. I wish you well.
For 18 years.
And paying for it single-handedly.
Please - get real!
curiousone, Buddhism doesn't mean sacrificing yourself to the wishes of another to the detriment of your own well-being.
You have to look after yourself and you also bear a great responsibility towards your child.
Do not put this man on a pedestal.
He's just as human as you are, and although you believe him to have been "smart beyond your comprehension" he's using this 'smartness' to outwit you.
He is the father of the baby you are carrying and therefore just as morally, socially and LEGALLY responsible as you are.
Do the right thing and bring this to light. And get him to step up to the plate and admit his responsibility.
he's not thinking of moving to Mexico, he's also looking at it as running away.
Try catching him there.....
Please understand that Buddhism is about recognising Suffering, and ceasing suffering.
While you always put others first, above and beyond your own needs, you will continue to suffer.
Compassion begins with you.
Unless you can see yourself primarily, as deserving of Compassion, kindness and freedom from suffering, you will be fooled by everything.
Including this guy.
Yo are better than this.
You deserve better.
And so does your child.
This child may be half his, but it's half yours too.
So step up and do the best for it.
Even if it means making waves and rocking the boat.
i do put him on a pedastal, he's even told me he's just as human as me, thats what i see is because its how i percieve him to be
Ive always seemed to put others before myself
its like i dont like myself, i feel i dont love myself, like im never good enough
but i feel like im on a teeder todder because one minute im fine and can see the greatness in myself and feel like i've come to except myself but then i see what im not and what it is i want to be like
i've thinkin lately and its like the reason i truly was with him is because i wanted to be like him as if bein with would mean he'd 'rub' off on me
i really hope to love myself soon but i dont really know what that means
i know i should accept myself for how i am its seems to be the first step but idk how if i dont like myself like im not good enough for myself
yes im happy that alive and all that im appreciative for that
i just really want to get over this bump
Loving yourself means coming to terms, believing and really, REALLY, accepting that NOBODY else, is any better or more worthy than you are. Just as you are equal to everyone else, in every respect.
Please understand - being Buddhist and compassionate, does not mean you have to be a pushover, or feeble, and give in.
It means standing up for what is right, and still having a warm enough heart to understand that Humans deserve compassion and understanding.
But that doesn't mean they have a right to walk all over you, and that you have to agree with everything, or put up with it.
You can still have Loving Kindness and Compassion for someone - but give them a good talking to at the same time!
"Getting over this bump" may mean you having to face some unpleasant realities.
"Getting over this bump" may mean you doing things you feel reluctant to do.
But you must consider the security and future of both yourself and your child.
Just because you want to study and practise Buddhism and be nice - doesn't mean you have to be a nice doormat, too.....
Yes, the birth of a child is a joyous occasion, but it also heralds in a long term commitment and responsibility. The young man can be compelled by the legal system to assume his share of responsibility. I don't know him but he is not unique in this situation.
Both of them are responsible for the pregnancy. We don't know the whole story and should not speculate. The bottom line is that the child will need love, food, shelter, clothing, medical care, education, guidance, and the list gets longer as the child gets older. I know this because I've raised three children. It's not a game. It's hard enough for a couple in a stable replationship. The young lady will need a great deal of support to take care of her child.
I wish you a Happy New Year. Let's hope for a better year for everyone.
Namaste
And @curiousone, please let us know how you and the little one are doing. I'm sure you could use all of the support you can get.
just as federica said i need to face some unpleasant realites and i have, i'd rather not get into it but i feel confident in saying im taking steps in the right direction with that situation! But I feel as though I need to focus more on buddhism im still studyin the four noble truths but i want to start lookin into some other things as well
so any suggestions on what to look into next for a beginner?
I would direct you to our recommended Reading thread, here.....
http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/14/recommended-reading
Eff Buddhism, Eff your feelings, eff your smart lover.
A baby , not your mother's (or father's?) responsibility, is coming. How will YOU create a life for this innocent?
Answer:
1) Lawyer up- give mr smartypants something to really think about. Have the court assign him a dollar figure he must produce every month to support the child. Let us see if he is smart enough to recognize the profound gift he has been given and then chooses a relationship with this baby.
2) Forget Mr. Smartypants- except in so much as you can facilitate a relationship between his child and himself. Mr. Smartypants is GONE from you.
3) Look to your education. Do not become a lifelong burden to you mother. Create a life for yourself that your child can be proud of. Again, your feelings here are no longer important.
4) When you are in school and on a career path (you no longer get a childhood , my dear), when you are paying for yourself and your child, when you are looking to YOUR future (this is the now SAME as looking toward your child's future), then come back here. You will find these actions will have put you on the path you seek and your next post (in a year or two) will be much different.
5) Stay away from drugs and alcohol. You , by your actions in creating a child, have forfeited "party time" and instead signed up for "adult time." These two distractions will only hinder your progress toward self sufficiency.
I know this is hard to hear. I love you.
Now effing grow up.