New Meditation Anxieties

HappyMondays

Hello Everyone!
I just became a member here, and already I feel the love in this online community:)
I'd like to ask about some overall anxieties that meditation has brought up for me.
I began meditating almost a month ago, since frequenting the Shambhala Center in Montreal, which is wonderful. I've been meditating in that tradition using Sakyong Mipham's simple but deeply profound Turning The Mind Into An Ally, and have had instruction from a meditation instructor there as well.
However, I find that I am struggling with an "I don't know how to do this" "I can't see my thoughts, they're too blurry" and "how much do I pay attention to the breath?" type of internal dialogue. How much does one watch the breath? There is always an internal dialogue asking me questions about how to meditate, trying to remember instructions, trying to meditate well, and this dialogue distracts me from watching the breath! So it's hard to watch the breath while remembering HOW to watch the breath. I feel a sense of not being able to relax while meditating fully - though at times I have, and it's been very nice and relaxing while giving insight into the present moment. Each meditation is good, I know, but these are nonetheless issues I have presently.
My main concern is that I feel anxiety about this - what if I develop meditation habits that take me way off course over time?
Also, I worry that as a rocknroll musician who writes songs, and who needs to feel free and open to express WHATEVER feelings or sentiments are there (anger, spite, joy, lust, boredom, overexcitement, complex negative pattern emotions, love, etc) that I am spiritually doing something bad, that I am allowing negativity to flourish through me, and that I need to give up more of this life to be a good Buddhist, or else I'm defiling the tradition. For instance, in Vipassana (which I did once), the moral precepts to follow require so much attention that I feel they are very strict and like I'm a huge screw-up and spiritually reprehensible for not following them well. How can I know the rules and not follow them properly or fully? And same with Shambhala even, which is very open to our western ways. I know it's all my perception, obviously, but it's not so easy to let go. How do people deal with this? I know I can't just become an ascetic:), but still, I feel like I can't turn back now that I know what I know, and yet I am VERY conflicted. I want to live a happy life that can encapsulate all my dreams and wishes while meditating and getting into buddhism, without becoming dogmatic and without giving up a free open artist's life.
One last thing is that I also sometimes find myself rather overwhelmed and somewhat existentially anxious when reading about the tradition of Buddhism and its beliefs, what with reincarnation, different types of reality, and with all the millennia of history and development. It scares me a little bit.
In essence, I am stepping into a new world with meditation and I am afraid, on many levels, and it manifests off the cushion in my day to day life as well. I feel like I have not adjusted to the reality of what meditation and Buddhism is and can be in one's life.
Ah, craziness is quite a thing, hahaha:)
Can anyone relate to this, or provide any insight or advice?
Many many deep thanks ahead of time. If you've read all this, deep thanks!
And may you be happy, joyous, and feel great love in your heart at all times, filled with brilliant glory!
Take care,
Tim

patbb

if you are doing breath meditation and focus one the breath as an object, think of it as simply staring at this object.

Concentration meditation can be made with real object as well with your eyes open.

You could just draw a small spot on the wall and stare at it for a period of time. (this is what you trying to do but by staring at the breath instead of a spot on the wall)

Every times you catch yourself being distracted by thoughts or feelings (like "am i doing this right?" or "whats on tv tonight") you simply refocus your attention on the object.

Eventually your ability to maintain your concentration without being distracted will improve.


Thats it, it's that simple.



a tip: every times you catch yourself having been distracted and you are about to refocus, you can try to see what happened.
like "ah, i see what i did, I was concentrated when I heard a car driving by and i started thinking about the drive home after this session.
And one thought lead to another i started to think about picking some food for tonight dinner; then this thought lead me to think about asking my wife about what she wanted to do tonight"
When you do this, it allows you to see the often repeating patterns of thought, and when your mind recognize a familiar thought pattern that you've recognized many times before, it makes it easier to nip it in the bud next time.



Does this answer all of your questions regarding breath meditation?

buddhajunkie

However, I find that I am struggling with an "I don't know how to do this" "I can't see my thoughts, they're too blurry" and "how much do I pay attention to the breath?" type of internal dialogue. How much does one watch the breath? There is always an internal dialogue asking me questions about how to meditate, trying to remember instructions, trying to meditate well, and this dialogue distracts me from watching the breath! So it's hard to watch the breath while remembering HOW to watch the breath.

I have two recommendations, do one before doing the other.

1. You need to cultivate concentration, so it may help to count the breath. Counting the breath will occupy your thinking mind while forcing you to pay attention to your breath. The technique I like for a noisy mind is to count both inhales and exhales as if there is no distinction between the two. Thus:

inhale "one" exhale "two" inhale "three"...

count up to 5 then start back at 1, but this time count up to 6 before going back to 1. Then go up to 7, and so on until you get to 10. Then start over.

Try this. It is a good way to start a meditation. You can dispense with counting when your mind settles down enough and you feel you are ready to explore.

2. After you are done with counting, you concentration might still be fragile. In this case, "mental noting" is very useful.

Basically, if you are thinking thoughts, just make a mental note "thinking... thinking..." etc.

From Sayadaw U Pandita:

http://web.ukonline.co.uk/buddhism/pandita9.htm#1b

In this meditation it is very important to have both effort and precise aim, so that the mind meets the sensation directly and powerfully. One helpful aid to precision and accuracy is to make a soft mental note of the object of awareness, naming the sensation by saying the word gently and silently in the mind, like "rising, rising...falling, falling."

Returning from Wandering

There will be moments when the mind wanders off. You will start to think of something. At this time, watch the mind! Be aware that you are thinking. To clarify this to yourself, note the thought silently with the verbal label "thinking, thinking," and come back to the rising and falling.

The same practice should be used for objects of awareness that arise at any of what are called the six sense doors: eye, ear, nose, tongue, body, and mind.

This is a powerful technique that brings quick results. Give it a try after doing some counting.

genkaku

My mother once counseled, "Don't get too holy by next Thursday." This is good advice and points to the perfectionism any of us might bring to bear. Buddhism is not a matter of collecting halos -- getting gooder than good and getting patted on the head for it -- it's a matter of creating a sure-footed peace. Such a peace requires patience and courage and doubt, so we summon our determination ... not so much to 'succeed' as simply to practice and see what happens.

Floating_Abu

Hi Tim

I think you are doing fine Just keep at it.

Best wishes,
Abu

HappyMondays

Thank you all for your wonderful replies. They really are quite profoundly helpful; the words, and beyond. It's amazing to feel the warmth of a community, to be heard.
My warmest wishes to you!
Thank you.
Tim