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hello everyone
I find children incredibly hard work, I know everyone does to a point but I am very easily irritated by them.
I would like to be able to enjoy their company, I have a niece and a nephew that I love but I also find myself making excuses not to play with them, because I really really don't enjoy it or have the energy for it.
I find their selfish behavior hard to take, they are just children but it really annoys me.
there is a lot of guilt over this matter as I want to be a good auntie, and am missing out by not enjoying them.
does anyone else relate to this? and have any tips on how to be more patient and tolerant?
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Comments
looks like they are your teacher.
My idea is this: cut down on the mental energy you expend on them. "Ignore" them more, assume the premises are childproofed and let them go nuts. Don't intervene until a something "serious" starts to occur or might occur.
Of course by "serious" I mean something small like a broken glass or reckless behavior on a stair case.
Other than preventing accidents of that scale your responsibilities as a NON-PARENT are minimal. Maybe work less, be concerned less and let stuff happen more!
It's not selfish to be an _aunt_! It's a different role than a parent.
from........to.....
.
:bowdown:
In metta,
Raven (a sometimes frustrated mother)
That's why I never denigrate anyone who chooses to be childfree. In fact, they are being extremely wise because they know who they are.
In metta,
Raven
I have , as Roger suggests, "ignored" them ( other peoples children, not my own) most of their young lives.
On the way to a family gathering I will ask my wife to fill me in on their names, but I forget them before I arrive at the function anyway. One time, a sister-in - law confronted me,:" You don't even know your own nephew's name , do you?"
The devil was in me , " Look , they are very young and there is a chance they will die from a childhood disease. I would have wasted a lot of my remaining brain power memorizing names that would be useless."
I was immediately yanked from "Uncle of the Year," competition.
I never got along with that sister-in -law anyway , but I have some regret. :banghead:
i can't imagine a worse childhood than being raised by a parent or parents that never really wanted me, and regret having children, even though they are raising them, why are so many people gung ho into the idea of raising more kids in an overpopulated, hell hole like earth, beats me. albeit once I had a girlfriend and i thought my vasectomy had reversed and it was my kid, and i instantly turned into a loving nurturing dad, instinct I guess.....
you see kids running around,
itchy feeling appear in your body.
just like
we see a poor person,
feeling of superiority appear in body
we see someone cut in front of us in a waiting line
anger feeling appear in body
we see a beautiful lady/guy
horny feeling appear in body
etc...
We unconsciously program ourselves with thousands of these negative emotional reactions.
Buddhism allow you to simply observe these and free yourself from them.
By realizing the true nature of these feelings,
Since all of the negative emotional reactions are the same, same solution to all of them. Meditate well.
In the mean time, if you are in the situation that trigger this reaction in you, simply looking at the feeling inside your body, keeping in mind that it arose all by itself will allow you to look at it with a detached view so to not be swept away by it. I may even dissipate completely who knows.
Couple of thoughts/observations:
First, a friend of mine expressed something the same as you are *about her own kids*! To me they were the sweetest of two little girls, but to my friend they were clingy wee pests. She was a great mother in practice, but she didn't feel cuddly and motherly towards them. But now that they're older (early teens) she cant get enough of them. So don't worry too much about feelings. Do the right thing, and let the feelings worry about themselves.
Second, if they actually *are* being wee pests -- maybe through lack of some discipline from their parents -- can you talk to the parents about it? And specifically, if they are doing something that is clearly disruptive (e.g. when in your house) you should feel OK about bringing that up with the parents.
Finally, what you feel is common and not at all dysfunctional. Worst case, you never really enjoy them, and maybe never really enjoy kids in general. Big deal. These days we probably idolize kids too much. As a great grandparent once told me, "Sometimes it's OK for them to have to shut up and just stare out the window at the rain".
c
Our emotional reactions are simply the result of our karma.
So with the Buddhist perspective, perhaps we could re-phrase the same idea like: But, if that person is a Buddhist and practice meditation, i would not recommend a permanent avoiding solution since this person may very well eventually transform his mind and purify himself of these harmful mental states.
Stop and think about your childhood memories of the adults around back then. Did you have an Uncle or someone who took the time to engage with you, to play a silly game or just pay attention to you for a while? Who maybe went out of his way to do something to create a memory just once? Well, Grandpa might not have really loved to push you on a swingset for a half hour at the park, you know.
Now it's time to step up and do your job in helping a child to have a couple of good memories. So the little yard apes get on your nerves and every time they scream "Watch me!" at the park, you grit your teath. Tough. Children need adults to show them some attention once in a while, and when they grow up, their memories of you might be the only thing left on this world that matters.
So man up and take the little snot factories for a ride down to the ice cream store, and smile and watch them have a good time.
xxx