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Impatience with children

graceleegracelee Veteran
edited March 2011 in Buddhism Basics
hello everyone

I find children incredibly hard work, I know everyone does to a point but I am very easily irritated by them.

I would like to be able to enjoy their company, I have a niece and a nephew that I love but I also find myself making excuses not to play with them, because I really really don't enjoy it or have the energy for it.
I find their selfish behavior hard to take, they are just children but it really annoys me.

there is a lot of guilt over this matter as I want to be a good auntie, and am missing out by not enjoying them.

does anyone else relate to this? and have any tips on how to be more patient and tolerant?

Comments

  • just watch kids and you can learn a lot about life. children are extremely wise and see the world as it is.

    looks like they are your teacher.
  • I think a lot of people feel kids are ALL lovable. To me kids are just like adults. I try to treat them as adults too. No baby talk, no condescendence, but respect for their intellect. So yeah, some kids are just not likeable at all. Some kids are cool, others aren't. Just like grown-ups. And just like grown-ups, I play with some more than others.
  • edited March 2011
    Perhaps you are giving them too much attention? It's a wild guess on my part.

    My idea is this: cut down on the mental energy you expend on them. "Ignore" them more, assume the premises are childproofed and let them go nuts. Don't intervene until a something "serious" starts to occur or might occur.

    Of course by "serious" I mean something small like a broken glass or reckless behavior on a stair case.

    Other than preventing accidents of that scale your responsibilities as a NON-PARENT are minimal. Maybe work less, be concerned less and let stuff happen more!

    It's not selfish to be an _aunt_! It's a different role than a parent.

    from...Scared.....to.....Bravo
  • Do a metta visualization with them as the objects? Then do it while you are with them?
  • CloudCloud Veteran
    edited March 2011
    I used to be irritated by "irritating" kids, until I began to figure out that there are no irritating kids. There are only children that have been taught/raised a certain way and are themselves yet ignorant of the world, in much the same way we are still ignorant of what's beyond the world. Children have very impressionable minds and so some of the worst things we can do is seem to be annoyed with them, to not like them, to ignore them when they're trying to reach out and connect. Treat every child as if they were your own (not in a creepy way), as if they were just smaller versions of you that also only want to be happy.
  • edited March 2011
    Very well said Cloud ! I agree absolutely.

    .
  • zombiegirlzombiegirl beating the drum of the lifeless in a dry wasteland Veteran
    i empathize, gracelee. for one reason or another, i'm not quite sure what to do with them, lol. it was never quite so noticeable, until my sister had a child and now i've got this little 2 year old, bossing me around and i'm not sure what to do...except what she says to do because everything else makes her scream and cry. it's very frustrating to be micromanaged by a selfish 2 year old, but i can't stand the noise that unhappy children make, lol. i can't wait until she becomes more aware of herself and others. because right now, she's like a slave driver. she tells me where to sit and demands i draw pictures for her one after another for what feels like forever. :(
  • KundoKundo Sydney, Australia Veteran
    I used to be irritated by "irritating" kids, until I began to figure out that there are no irritating kids. There are only children that have been taught/raised a certain way and are themselves yet ignorant of the world, in much the same way we are still ignorant of what's beyond the world. Children have very impressionable minds and so some of the worst things we can do is seem to be annoyed with them, to not like them, to ignore them when they're trying to reach out and connect. Treat every child as if they were your own (not in a creepy way), as if they were just smaller versions of you that also only want to be happy.


    :bowdown:

    In metta,
    Raven (a sometimes frustrated mother)
  • KundoKundo Sydney, Australia Veteran

    does anyone else relate to this? and have any tips on how to be more patient and tolerant?
    To be perfectly honest - perhaps you should limit being around them. Some people just aren't cut out to be with children in any aspect. It's not a defect as such, it's just a fact.

    That's why I never denigrate anyone who chooses to be childfree. In fact, they are being extremely wise because they know who they are.

    In metta,
    Raven
  • I have many brothers and sisters, most of whom have children. I have two myself .
    I have , as Roger suggests, "ignored" them ( other peoples children, not my own) most of their young lives.
    On the way to a family gathering I will ask my wife to fill me in on their names, but I forget them before I arrive at the function anyway. One time, a sister-in - law confronted me,:" You don't even know your own nephew's name , do you?"
    The devil was in me , " Look , they are very young and there is a chance they will die from a childhood disease. I would have wasted a lot of my remaining brain power memorizing names that would be useless."
    I was immediately yanked from "Uncle of the Year," competition.
    I never got along with that sister-in -law anyway , but I have some regret. :banghead:
  • i decided at a young age, having a troubled childhood, i didn't want any children coming it to a world that was getting worse and worse, grace lee i'd have to agree i feel somewhat like you, so at a fairly young age i got a vasectomy, haven't really regretted it either.

    i can't imagine a worse childhood than being raised by a parent or parents that never really wanted me, and regret having children, even though they are raising them, why are so many people gung ho into the idea of raising more kids in an overpopulated, hell hole like earth, beats me. albeit once I had a girlfriend and i thought my vasectomy had reversed and it was my kid, and i instantly turned into a loving nurturing dad, instinct I guess.....
  • Ignore the the bad behaviour, reward the good ones.
  • patbbpatbb Veteran
    edited March 2011
    hello everyone

    I find children incredibly hard work, I know everyone does to a point but I am very easily irritated by them.

    I would like to be able to enjoy their company, I have a niece and a nephew that I love but I also find myself making excuses not to play with them, because I really really don't enjoy it or have the energy for it.
    I find their selfish behavior hard to take, they are just children but it really annoys me.

    there is a lot of guilt over this matter as I want to be a good auntie, and am missing out by not enjoying them.

    does anyone else relate to this? and have any tips on how to be more patient and tolerant?
    all negative emotional reactions are the same.

    you see kids running around,
    itchy feeling appear in your body.

    just like

    we see a poor person,
    feeling of superiority appear in body

    we see someone cut in front of us in a waiting line
    anger feeling appear in body

    we see a beautiful lady/guy
    horny feeling appear in body

    etc...


    We unconsciously program ourselves with thousands of these negative emotional reactions.
    Buddhism allow you to simply observe these and free yourself from them.

    By realizing the true nature of these feelings,

    Since all of the negative emotional reactions are the same, same solution to all of them. Meditate well.

    In the mean time, if you are in the situation that trigger this reaction in you, simply looking at the feeling inside your body, keeping in mind that it arose all by itself will allow you to look at it with a detached view so to not be swept away by it. I may even dissipate completely who knows.
  • edited March 2011
    I find children incredibly hard work, I know everyone does to a point but I am very easily irritated by them....
    Parents (and to a lesser extent aunts and uncles) are the bones with which children pick their teeth :) Kids are tough and by default are little sniveling balls of ego and need. (And I would take a bullet for mine. In the balls.)

    Couple of thoughts/observations:

    First, a friend of mine expressed something the same as you are *about her own kids*! To me they were the sweetest of two little girls, but to my friend they were clingy wee pests. She was a great mother in practice, but she didn't feel cuddly and motherly towards them. But now that they're older (early teens) she cant get enough of them. So don't worry too much about feelings. Do the right thing, and let the feelings worry about themselves.

    Second, if they actually *are* being wee pests -- maybe through lack of some discipline from their parents -- can you talk to the parents about it? And specifically, if they are doing something that is clearly disruptive (e.g. when in your house) you should feel OK about bringing that up with the parents.

    Finally, what you feel is common and not at all dysfunctional. Worst case, you never really enjoy them, and maybe never really enjoy kids in general. Big deal. These days we probably idolize kids too much. As a great grandparent once told me, "Sometimes it's OK for them to have to shut up and just stare out the window at the rain".

    c
  • patbbpatbb Veteran
    edited March 2011
    To be perfectly honest - perhaps you should limit being around them. Some people just aren't cut out to be with children in any aspect. It's not a defect as such, it's just a fact. In fact, they are being extremely wise because they know who they are.
    The Buddhist point of view is that we are not our negative emotional reactions.

    Our emotional reactions are simply the result of our karma.

    So with the Buddhist perspective, perhaps we could re-phrase the same idea like:
    because they know how their ego is at that moment.
    But, if that person is a Buddhist and practice meditation, i would not recommend a permanent avoiding solution since this person may very well eventually transform his mind and purify himself of these harmful mental states.
  • CinorjerCinorjer Veteran
    edited March 2011
    Of course children can be irritating and exhausting, if they're dumped into your lap when you want to do something else. Raising children and even filling a family role like Uncle or Grandfather is a job. Notice job, not fun activity.

    Stop and think about your childhood memories of the adults around back then. Did you have an Uncle or someone who took the time to engage with you, to play a silly game or just pay attention to you for a while? Who maybe went out of his way to do something to create a memory just once? Well, Grandpa might not have really loved to push you on a swingset for a half hour at the park, you know.

    Now it's time to step up and do your job in helping a child to have a couple of good memories. So the little yard apes get on your nerves and every time they scream "Watch me!" at the park, you grit your teath. Tough. Children need adults to show them some attention once in a while, and when they grow up, their memories of you might be the only thing left on this world that matters.

    So man up and take the little snot factories for a ride down to the ice cream store, and smile and watch them have a good time.
  • thanks everyone, your replies have been really interesting and helpful
    xxx
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