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Buddhism and dating
I did a quick search and I'm surprised this hasn't come up before..at least for a while... Or maybe my search was too quick. 
Anyway, I've been very happy living on my own, pretty simple life really, going to work, smallish apartment, playing guitar, writing and recording music, making youtube videos. I was happiest when I didn't want anything at all. But then, here's the thing. There's room to grow. And I wonder about that a lot. I wonder about the dichotomy between being satisfied with what you have and being open to having more. There's this story Ajahn Brahm told that I remember, about these two villagers. Wait maybe it was a story from the Buddha. I don't remember, but anyway...(this is my own telling of the story.)
Two villagers went to an abandoned town to scavenge around, see what they could find to bring back to their families. They found some nice hemp! Woo! So they filled up their bags and turned around and headed home. But wait, on their way they saw some cloth. One of the men said, "woo, cloth! That's even better than hemp!" And he put down the hemp and took the cloth. The other man decided, "oh, this hemp is good enough for me." Well, they continued walking and what did they find? Silver! "Wow, silver!" said the man with the cloth. He put down the cloth and filled his bag with the silver coins. "Hemp is good enough for me," said the first man. Just as they reached the outskirts of the town, they noticed diamonds. "Thank the lucky stars!" cried the man with the silver. "Diamonds!" He emptied his bag of the silver and filled it with the diamonds. There was more than enough for both of them, but the first man still decided to hang onto the hemp. Both of the men returned home, one with a bag of hemp, and the other with a bag of diamonds. The moral of the story is that the man who brought back hemp instead of diamonds was a fool.
Gosh, when I first heard this story it threw me for such a loop. But I've been trying to practice it more lately. I think it's about loving what you have but also taking something better if it comes along. I think it's actually very profound. I think it's about having the courage to choose heaven, having the courage to live in heaven.
Wow how does this relate to dating! Well, so yeah, so I've been happy. But I was kinda holding a monk's life as my ideal. But you know what? Very few people are actually monks and nuns. That is simply not everyone's path. People's paths involve all kinds of different things. And while dating is not very zen, being intimate with someone (again) scares the living crap out of me. But at the same time there is something so spiritual about it. I think that being with someone can help me accept parts of myself I don't want to look at, just like accepting myself is the same as accepting others.
Anyway, I want to stay where I am. I want to be just right where I am. But Pema Chodron talks about taking off your armour, about living at your edge, and I met this girl that has just blown a gasket out of my life. Part of me wants to run away, but part of me wants to dive right in. And my curiosity lies in the fact that monks...well let's not say they run away...but they renounce. What do you all think about this? Renouncing this part of life, not even necessarily because it scares you (even though it does scare me, A LOT,) versus diving into it and exploring and seeing what it's like? I know there's no right answer, and I just have to do what I think is right, but it's just throwing me SO for a loop right now, SO off balance, I was wondering what your experiences have been with these kinds of situations? Renounce and maintain balance, or dive right in?
Peace everyone, and take care. Thanks for reading.
Cristina
Anyway, I've been very happy living on my own, pretty simple life really, going to work, smallish apartment, playing guitar, writing and recording music, making youtube videos. I was happiest when I didn't want anything at all. But then, here's the thing. There's room to grow. And I wonder about that a lot. I wonder about the dichotomy between being satisfied with what you have and being open to having more. There's this story Ajahn Brahm told that I remember, about these two villagers. Wait maybe it was a story from the Buddha. I don't remember, but anyway...(this is my own telling of the story.)
Two villagers went to an abandoned town to scavenge around, see what they could find to bring back to their families. They found some nice hemp! Woo! So they filled up their bags and turned around and headed home. But wait, on their way they saw some cloth. One of the men said, "woo, cloth! That's even better than hemp!" And he put down the hemp and took the cloth. The other man decided, "oh, this hemp is good enough for me." Well, they continued walking and what did they find? Silver! "Wow, silver!" said the man with the cloth. He put down the cloth and filled his bag with the silver coins. "Hemp is good enough for me," said the first man. Just as they reached the outskirts of the town, they noticed diamonds. "Thank the lucky stars!" cried the man with the silver. "Diamonds!" He emptied his bag of the silver and filled it with the diamonds. There was more than enough for both of them, but the first man still decided to hang onto the hemp. Both of the men returned home, one with a bag of hemp, and the other with a bag of diamonds. The moral of the story is that the man who brought back hemp instead of diamonds was a fool.
Gosh, when I first heard this story it threw me for such a loop. But I've been trying to practice it more lately. I think it's about loving what you have but also taking something better if it comes along. I think it's actually very profound. I think it's about having the courage to choose heaven, having the courage to live in heaven.
Wow how does this relate to dating! Well, so yeah, so I've been happy. But I was kinda holding a monk's life as my ideal. But you know what? Very few people are actually monks and nuns. That is simply not everyone's path. People's paths involve all kinds of different things. And while dating is not very zen, being intimate with someone (again) scares the living crap out of me. But at the same time there is something so spiritual about it. I think that being with someone can help me accept parts of myself I don't want to look at, just like accepting myself is the same as accepting others.
Anyway, I want to stay where I am. I want to be just right where I am. But Pema Chodron talks about taking off your armour, about living at your edge, and I met this girl that has just blown a gasket out of my life. Part of me wants to run away, but part of me wants to dive right in. And my curiosity lies in the fact that monks...well let's not say they run away...but they renounce. What do you all think about this? Renouncing this part of life, not even necessarily because it scares you (even though it does scare me, A LOT,) versus diving into it and exploring and seeing what it's like? I know there's no right answer, and I just have to do what I think is right, but it's just throwing me SO for a loop right now, SO off balance, I was wondering what your experiences have been with these kinds of situations? Renounce and maintain balance, or dive right in?
Peace everyone, and take care. Thanks for reading.
Cristina
0
Comments
I think it's great that you've been happy on your own all this time. Happy, self-sufficient people are attractive to others. Had you taken a vow of celibacy? If not, you have nothing to worry about. Just be aware that relationships can very much lead to "dukkha" (stress, or suffering, or for a more contemporary spin: DRAMA). Or...not. I'd advise trying to calm your feelings so you can evaluate this person you're attracted to as objectively as possible. Is she thoughtful, considerate, mentally/emotionally stable, honest, trustworthy, etc. (add your own list) Does she show any tendencies toward being emotionally abusive? Take the time to check for any red flags before you jump in. Look before you leap. Discern before you dive.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Marianne Williamson
And no, to your questions. She may not be any of those things. Here's a quote I like:
"Man's greatest power lies in his ability to do things that make no sense at all."
And what about, "leap and the net will appear."
What about all this fear. That's the only problem really, the fear. I see things that scare me and have a lot of energy around them and I immediately think, "oh there's something useful!" Does anyone else do this? I'm not trying to get comfortable here, I'm trying to evolve.
Perhaps you can approach it more moderately?
Consider exploring the feelings of "blown a gasket out of my life" and "scares me A LOT" and "dive right in" because they indicate polarized 'all or nothing' kind of dramatic craving/repulsion. As though you don't trust yourself, that you can approach with moderation, and so to relate to this girl is like diving into a river that you cannot direct the flow.
Sit, calm, relax.
Let the craving to be alone settle, let the craving to be with her settle. Then perhaps you can approach the situation with openness and trust, and simply see where it goes. There is no right answer. If you two share similar hopes and a similar view, are attracted to one another, and moderate and wise in your steps together, the relationship can be the foundation of profound mindful cultivation.
If you call her up, and the next thing you know you have matching tatoos, surrounded by empty wine bottles and hyperdermic needles, then perhaps a relationship isn't right for you at the present time. Not because they are "bad", but because first you'll need to cultivate a sense of wisdom that is not uprooted by having a partner. Or said differently, being able to have a relationship where you don't 'lose sight of yourself'.
Good luck,
Matt
And no, aMatt, no matching tattoos or drugs for me. I don't even drink. :P
I'm not necessarily keeping to myself out of fear. It's not that I don't like being around people, I do. But this one person, she brings up such strong feelings in me. I'm not even considering doing anything drastic, but by "diving in," I mean not resisting the feelings. Which is scary. To let them in. To me, diving in would be to...just to give it my all. To give some moment with her my very all. Like, there's reckless behaviour, which I would say I do not partake in, and then there's being reckless with your heart, your soul, you know? Letting all of life in through your front door. No one can watch me do it. I could sit on my cushion and do the most reckless thing I can think of, letting in some feeling I am scared of, and no one would ever know except me. That's I guess what I'm talking about here, just maybe didn't realize it until now. It has been fascinating so far. But not easy! And fairly exhausting! I am not too brave, I guess. I very frequently come up against things I don't want to see. I guess...does anyone else have a hard time letting these things in?
Middle way... but life isn't the middle way. Life is 100% and then 100% that and then 100% this other thing. It's always exactly what it is. And if we try to maintain balance within that, it's just resisting half of what's there. Perhaps middle way in how we live...I can totally get behind that. But when all you feel in one moment is pain and all you feel in another is overwhelming sexual attraction...that may not be what's meant by middle way.. Again I'm not saying to act on things. I typically don't act on my feelings. I will say, "wow I'm so angry right now, this is intense and fascinating!" But I won't yell at the person or throw something. I'll say, "wow I'm so turned on right now I can't believe it!" But I won't have sex with the person. Does this make any sense? I try to follow my heart instead.
And thanks SherabDorje!!!
Anyway, growth can happen while following the Middle Way. It just means approaching things wisely and cautiously. Good luck.
For instance, if there were a plate of sweets in front of you, would you say: "I love sweets so much, but my heart is afraid of losing itself in the taste, or I might run out of candy, so I must keep my lips sealed." This is not wise... keeping our door closed is not the solution... it is letting our fear of the environment control our actions.
Rather, let go of your fearfulness to experience what is there, then get let go of the craving for more of the experience. Have a candy, see what it tastes like, then let go of the automatic need to have another. Open your front door completely, but also open the back door so the experience passes through. Be present and brave. Let go and kiss her fully, then when you step back, let go, because you might never kiss her again, or either of you might not enjoy the kissing.
It is a practice, letting go, but what you're practicing now is repression and denial. Balance isn't keeping out what we want. Balance is experiencing our life with genuine connectedness while also letting go, so we don't become absorbed. In my opinion, that is.
With warmth,
Matt
And you can have relationships... as long as you aren't a nun or monk. And until you are ordained, don't worry about it.
There's a lot of good advice here.
On the other hand, you could rush into this, see what happens, and if it doesn't work out in the end, you can chalk it up to a learning experience that can guide you the next time something like this comes up.
I didn't even read the other comments because I see myself so much in what you wrote that I just jumped to response mode. Sorry if my impatience gets me restating anything others have said.
I'm a musician, and play music, make music, write songs, etc, and have been meditating twice a day for many months now, reading dharma, mostly Shambhala stuff, Chogyam Trungpa, Sakyong Mipham, and of course Pema Chodron, and it has definitely stirred up all kinds of old and profound issues in me... My brain is reshaping, my life is reshaping, my world is reshaping.
I've thought about keeping it simple and living like the hemp-keeper, but I can't. I live in society, I have friends who need me, I have a world to tend to. And I have dreams, I have a desire to express myself. I aspire to the finding of diamonds through songs and through living, I dream of the diamonds and of being courageous enough to let the light of my goodness shine fully, in life and in love. It's terrifying, but it's one's path I think.
One of the scariest things in the world is love, and intimacy with another person. I don't think Buddhism is about rules. Meaning, you can date people, you don't have to be a monk or a nun. Pema Chodron often talks about boyfriends she's had while being a Buddhist.
The other night I was crying, because I realized how scary it is to be in love, to lose that control, to give it up, how I've spent many years afraid of that, it's so profoundly poignant and heartbreaking and beautiful, because EVERYONE is like that. To allow that level of vulnerability, to allow your soft, raw heart be exposed to the elements, to this often wild and harsh world, it's the bravest thing you could do! I've heard it said that love and love relationships could even be considered number 9 in the eightfold path.
The Shambhala path is very much about all this, being a compassionate warrior, with a genuine heart of sadness, touched by your world, moved by its beauty, moved by your humanness and by the goodness and humanness of others... all in the context of society, of functioning in a world that asks a lot of us.
There's a time for retreating into more solitude, and there's a time to mix it up in the muck of society and of culture and people. They feed each other I'd think.
Anyways, some thoughts from me.
Thank you for your words, they encourage me and warm me, simply because I feel like I see myself and my fear and vulnerability and humanness in them.
Warmest wishes,
Tim
-Marianne Williamson
EXACTLY!
We have many ideas shaped by our culture.
Dating is supposed to be fun.
well, not in my experience, i was a nervous wreck.
& my 1st ecstatic sexual experience,
not that great.
i've been wondering, what is it exactly that scares you about this girl? have you been hurt in the past or is it just that she poses a possible shift in your lifestyle? i'm assuming it's not the sexuality aspect since you didn't mention it.
this sounds to me like rather typical beginning relationship stuff (for me, anyways). i think in every relationship there's a point where you have to decide for yourself whether or not you want to trust this other person. the first step is to trust yourself to tell them and risk rejection. it makes you very vulnerable to open yourself up in that way, but it can also be very rewarding (otherwise so many people wouldn't do it, right?)
i know in the beginning of mine and my gf's relationship, i had a really hard time with this. my last relationship ended quite traumatically and i found myself thinking, "do i really want to open my heart up to the possibility of pain like that again?" i spent a lot of time feeling like i wanted to run away, but knowing what i know now, i'm really glad i stuck around.
i don't think anyone can make this decision for you. examine your fears and what it is that really scares you about this situation, only then you can determine whether or not they are truly valid. if all you are scared of is the fear of uncertainty, well, there's a whole lot of that in life so if i were you, i'd try to let go.
The more I think about this topic the more I think I asked the wrong questions and that there was really no question to begin with at all, haha. To be honest I was extremely stressed out this weekend for work-related reasons and also felt like I was on caffeine pills or something even though I never take caffeine. A little manic you might say..