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Is not correcting a false assumption the same as being dishonest?
zombiegirl
beating the drum of the lifelessin a dry wasteland Veteran
I'm curious to get your guys' take on this since I think I can make a lot of self-justification for why I behaved the way I did.
I think a lot of people probably have this sort of thing (probably involving a different topic though) happen from time to time. Here's just an outline of what happened to me today:
The scene: I was at one of those quick-lube type shops to get my oil changed, sort of in a rush because I work tonight and still had to eat dinner (etc.) when one of the guys working there comes up and starts a conversation with me while his coworker works on my car.
He's semi-hitting on me, but not in an aggressive or threatening sort of way and mentions that if I would ever like to sell my car, it's his favorite model and he'd be interested in buying it. I mention that in a few months I'll be moving across the country, so I just might take him up on his offer. He asks why, to which I reply, "My fiance got a job out there."
Most people here know I'm a lesbian so my fiance is obviously a woman, but naturally, this guy doesn't know that, so he says, "Oh, what does he do?" (emphasis mine)
I have the option here to correct him about the gender of my fiance, or just breeze over it. In the interest of time and just plain not feeling like getting into it, I breeze over the wrong assumption and just respond to his question.
Every gay person has probably had this happen to them many times in their life. And for the record, when this scenario involves people that I see on a more regular basis (coworkers, friends, etc.), I usually do correct them. It's just that when it happens in a weird casual meeting like this, I just don't really care enough to divulge.
What do you guys think? Is this dishonest? Does it matter? What about other scenarios of a similar nature?
I think a lot of people probably have this sort of thing (probably involving a different topic though) happen from time to time. Here's just an outline of what happened to me today:
The scene: I was at one of those quick-lube type shops to get my oil changed, sort of in a rush because I work tonight and still had to eat dinner (etc.) when one of the guys working there comes up and starts a conversation with me while his coworker works on my car.
He's semi-hitting on me, but not in an aggressive or threatening sort of way and mentions that if I would ever like to sell my car, it's his favorite model and he'd be interested in buying it. I mention that in a few months I'll be moving across the country, so I just might take him up on his offer. He asks why, to which I reply, "My fiance got a job out there."
Most people here know I'm a lesbian so my fiance is obviously a woman, but naturally, this guy doesn't know that, so he says, "Oh, what does he do?" (emphasis mine)
I have the option here to correct him about the gender of my fiance, or just breeze over it. In the interest of time and just plain not feeling like getting into it, I breeze over the wrong assumption and just respond to his question.
Every gay person has probably had this happen to them many times in their life. And for the record, when this scenario involves people that I see on a more regular basis (coworkers, friends, etc.), I usually do correct them. It's just that when it happens in a weird casual meeting like this, I just don't really care enough to divulge.
What do you guys think? Is this dishonest? Does it matter? What about other scenarios of a similar nature?
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Comments
Since the situation is of no consequence whatsoever, no concern at all.
Or you could adopt the Thai way of thinking where pronouns have no inherent gender!
I suspect there is some added pressure you may be feeling about the issue being your sexuality being that coming out and being open is an important thing to gay people in general. For example I wonder if you'd be conflicted if it were some other misperception like about your parents (being separated/together or alive/dead if they were not) or something similar.
I always wonder what my coworkers thought, haha. Did they know I was a lesbian or just think I was weird?
It may depend on why you didn't care.
Sometimes when I feel not like saying anything specific, I manage to be creative enough too put it in such a way that it's not incorrect and not deceiving. And also not dishonest. Just keeping things for myself, not out of shame or anything. Just because I don't feel sharing it. That sounds like the feeling you have. I don't see you as being ashamed about it.
For example, I don't like to talk about my education a lot. I have a respectable degree, but I felt like it just came mostly without effort. And so, I don't like to mention it. Often conversations go that way, though. Especially if it's with people I know I won't see again, I may steer the conversation in another direction, or respond in some way to their questions so that I don't need to go into details.
Of course it's a bit more complicated when it comes down to words as "he" and "she". But it doesn't have to be dishonest. However, you can only check it out for yourself. If it makes you feel guilty or incorrect, restless, then it probably wasn't right speech. Otherwise, if you feel confident and good about it, it probably was right speech. That's the best yardstick to measure any actions. That, and to look at the ground of our actions. If we do them out of fear, insecurity, foolishness and things of that nature, they're also not wise.
Hope this helps you getting your answer.
With metta,
Sabre
No, I certainly don't feel shame. Once upon a time, I felt like I was a pioneer for gay rights and it was my duty to change the world's mind... I took that responsibility upon myself and met many people, and yes, changed a lot of minds with compassionate conversation (and failed to change some minds)... And that can be rewarding, but it's also very draining. Over the past several years, I've mellowed out. I just feel drained by it... and many times those conversations can start from something so innocuous as a pronoun correction. It's not that I'm ashamed, it's just that I've gone from that rebellious punk always FIGHTIN' THE MAN to an old fogey who just wants to live and let live. I'm too tired to argue people when they throw some hateful shit at me these days and so, sometimes I'd rather just avoid the whole situation.
My sister is a lesbian and is dating a new girl. They've been together for about 4 months and actually live together right now. More out of need than just desire to live together though. Anyhow, our grandma is 87, and the whole "gay thing" is pretty lost on her. Our whole family knows my sister is a lesbian, but I don't think grandma really fully understands. She still asks when she will settle down and have babies with a nice boy. But my sister brings her gf over to see grandma, and introduces her as her friend instead of her girlfriend. My sister talked with the gf first to see if this was ok or how to best proceed, so there were no hard feelings on her part. But anyhow, just sometimes, it's necessary. Is it lying? I suppose maybe technically. But the intent is not to deceive which is what makes it a big difference to me.
As always, it comes down to intention. If your intention is good, the action is good. If your intention is to spare yourself a bit, I'd say that is all right. Surely your intention was not to be deceive. But I'm not going to give you the answer as to whether it was good or not so good, or in between. I'm sure you can find it yourself.
One thing is for sure, if you worry about these tiny things, you are on the right path. Means the bigger things are out of the way. Nice to see
Metta!
Sabre
If they are planned, there may be natural preparation - it doesn't sound like you were 'prepared' as such for this encounter.
The next stage is the initial contact - this is the first phase in a potentially longer chain of events / encounters that lead to cooperation perhaps over a sustained and prolonged period - it sounds like your experience started and ended in the intial contact phase.
Long term cooperation is built on trust over time and driven by necessity.
First contacts are all about first impressions and basic exchange.
The intimacy of the basic exchange depends on the environment and one's disposition to it.
So how 'basic' an issue is your sexuality in the particular environment of the encounter?
Basic exchanges are designed to establish common ground.
Perhaps in your mind, you being a lesbian wouldn't have been the common ground necessary to negotiate his approach.
The outcome may have proven your compromise the correct one in the circumstances.
It seems the more we cooperate and interact, the more we have to be prepared to adopt bespoke and distinct personas suited to the particular predicament - these glances being limited reflections of our deeper interconnections.
I don't think therefore that your reaction to a passing mechanic was a dishonest one.
If someone mistakes me for a Christian because I am in Church, or gay because of my innate attractiveness or gets my name wrong, what do I need to correct?
We don't have to correct ourselves as much as accept ourselves. The same goes with others, casual encounters and life in general . . .
Of course I may be wrong . . .
@karasti That actually sounds a lot like my grandmother, lol. I think she still refers to my fiance as my "friend" and for a long time she was kind of weird about it. I used to have a pretty popular webcomic that I ran with another lesbian friend of mine and I remember she asked me once, "Is your webcomic partner your 'friend' in the way that [my now ex] is your 'friend'?" Haha. Like her misusing the word 'friend' ended up confusing her and thinking I was really sleeping with all of my lesbian 'friends'... It was pretty funny.
Anyways, she's always treated my partners with respect and typical grandmothering. When my girlfriend and I became engaged, she treated me just like she treated my heterosexual family members... gushing over my ring and all that. I think she just always thought that I would go back to men for some reason but she seems to get it now. Don't give up on your grandma!
Quite near to me a poster went up for a new Buddhist group for gay Buddhists and friends. Now I interpreted 'friend' as gay friendly - not as partner. When I asked friends if they wanted to attend, they assured me the meaning was not as I interpreted. So I went alone. My friends were right. I was wrong.
Being wrong is sometimes the better option . . .
:clap:
Gosh. Maybe it was deliberately ambiguous. To be honest it does not really matter. It was a while ago and from what I remember we had a talk, chanted and meditated. So much like other dharma meets in that respect. The guy who led the group I later found out was a Khenpo,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khenpo
He used to live in the same street as me and may still do, I saw some old Tibetan prayer flags in his front garden the other day . . .
@zombiegirl, I recently read about your struggles with acceptance of the most important and able accepter - yourself. Incredible that it took Jesus to state the obvious . . .
What struck me, was how you later became atheist . . . I was in a condition of 'grace' for a while . . . still managed to become Athiest . . . and now I am back in the God camp . . .
Remember if someone, including us, gets things wrong . . . it can if appropriate be corrected. What is terrible is correcting what never needed correcting . . . but we live, learn and chage . . .
I know it is not the same thing, but in daily encounters in the area I live in, I get a lot of "God bless you," "Jesus loves you," and things of that nature. I usually don't correct the false assumptions that I am Christian. The reason I don't is because I feel that most people where I live don't take it very well if you suggest that there are other beliefs and that some people really don't believe that Jesus is their savior. It causes them mental and emotional anguish. I think it is a similar (but different) thing with sexuality for many people.
I think the important thing is to be yourself. What does that mean? I think it means that you need to consider many factors and come to a point where you are comfortable with who you are/ what you think/ how you are behaving, and that includes factoring in other people's reactions to your public self. I am sure there are tons of other examples of what "be yourself" means, but for simplicity's sake in this situation, that is what I would focus on.
Ya know the first thing to occur to me? Will correcting him on this point cause him suffering? My answer to myself would be "probably." My solution? Say nothing. But, ya know, follow YOUR heart. Dharma will bear out....
In having a casual conversation with fellow male travellers I often find myself going along with their tales of drinking and debauchery without explaining that I'm not in Asia to have sex with people, or that I don't drink.
Guys who are there for the sex don't undertand and they may be uncomfortable, and so would I, so I usually omit the truth without lying. Just try to laugh and nod while they are giving me directions to some girly bar they frequent or whatever. What they don't know won't hurt them in this case.
In some places even the Thai business owners look sideways at you if you don't bring a girl or a boy back to your room.
I don't think it is. It's not like your lying...your just not paying
attention to their assumptions. If we had to correct everyone
all the time, we would be some busy people, wouldn't we?
'Does it matter?'
Nah...it's not that serious. It was just some random guy.
Random people assume my race, religion, and sexuality
all the time...... Keep it movin'
@lobster I think it's more appropriate to say that I'm agnostic. I know what you mean, it IS confusing. I think for me, it's just easier to assume that it was a trick of my mind, which it could be. I guess I just got to the point where I thought, "How does a belief in God actually enhance my life?" And I couldn't think of an answer. I don't like the idea that I can blame someone other than myself for my misfortune or praise someone other than myself for my good fortune.
What DID sort of freak me out a little bit though is watching Chely Wright's documentary Wish Me Away. She was a pretty popular country singer who came out as a lesbian during the course of the documentary and basically, was shunned from all things country. It ruined her career as far as the big leagues are concerned, but the gay community has been very supportive. But the reason that it gave me pause was because her experience mirrored my own to a T. The only difference was that she actually HAD the gun in her mouth at the moment when she felt it. The documentary used to be on netflix if you're interested. I highly recommend it, but be warned, it's very emotional... but mostly in a good way.