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Should i keep a journal about people who hurt me?

zenmystezenmyste Veteran
in General Banter
Should i write about them and what they do or why we dont get on etc....

Does it help writing your thoughts and feelings down about another person?

Would it help me sort my emotions out and see where i stand with people?

Or is it a bad idea?

I guess if someone found it and it was full of bad things about others, that wouldnt look too good would it!

Anyone done something simular?

Comments

  • DavetheseekerDavetheseeker
    I agree with lobster.
    Why keep a list and hold on to negativeties?

    Wouldn't a list of the positive things people do be much more conductive to your path?
    zenmysteriverflowericcris10sen
  • wrathfuldeitywrathfuldeity Veteran
    edited August 2013
    I don't think its a particular bad idea...but would add note...what did I learn from the person that hurt me? Journaling helps folks get things out...in front of them so they can look at it.
    zenmystevinlynmisterCopeDavetheseeker
  • SabreSabre Veteran
    edited August 2013
    Reflecting on people's lesser qualities and thinking about why you don't get along will probably only reinforce these things. I'd say it is better to reflect on everybody's positive qualities - which we all have. Or reflect on buddha nature, or ways to get along, things like that.

    Metta!
    Sabre
    zenmysteriverflow
  • ZeroZero Veteran
    zenmyste said:


    Does it help writing your thoughts and feelings down about another person?
    Or is it a bad idea?

    Try it and see if it helps.
    zenmyste
  • ChazChaz The Remarkable Chaz Anywhere, Everywhere & Nowhere Veteran
    zenmyste said:

    Should i write about them and what they do or why we dont get on etc....

    Forget that.

    Do Tonglen for them instead.

    TheEccentriclobsterDavetheseeker
  • TheEccentricTheEccentric Hampshire, UK Veteran
    You can never be truly happy while you hold anger and/or hatred and you will always have these by harboring and growing such resentful thoughts.

    Even if they do not apologise forgiving them is the most sensible option if you seek happiness because the only one who will be suffering will be you. There wrong doings against them are not there own fault as they are lead into it by delusions instead have compassion for them.
    riverflowcaz
  • MaryAnneMaryAnne Veteran
    When I first read the OP I immediately thought; "Oooh, bad idea". But now after thinking on it for a bit, Hmmm, maybe there's something to it.

    It's going to depend on WHY you are keeping a record of those who 'hurt' you. Is it to keep reminding yourself to stay mad at them? Then, yeah, probably not a great idea, because you aren't willing to let things go from your end.

    Is it to think about each instance of slight or hurt and to honestly and sincerely evaluate YOUR part in the situation, and/or to think compassionately about the person who hurt you and consider why they wanted to hurt you- or why you chose to be hurt?
    Then, once you're in a place of compassion, you can tear out the page recording the offending situation and throw it out, burn it or bury it. Let go of all anger or hurt and move on....

    Might be on to something in that case! :) Good Luck.

    zenmystevinlyn
  • vinlynvinlyn Colorado...for now Veteran
    Zero said:



    Try it and see if it helps.

    Yes, try it, see if you are then handling the information correctly. For example, is it just reinforcing the negative feelings, or is it allowing you to understand the situation and, at least in some cases, helping you to figure out how to make the situation better?

  • karastikarasti Breathing Minnesota Moderator
    I wouldn't. Just makes it a way for you to look back and hold onto anger and hurt and remember why you dislike them instead of working towards changing your feelings.
    riverflowJoyfulGirlDavetheseeker
  • riverflowriverflow Veteran
    I've almost finished reading this lovely and inspiring commentary on the Lotus Sutra (by Gene Reeves) and just fiist finished the section about the Bodhisattva "Never Disrespectful." This Bodhisattva represents the ability to recognize the potential for awakening in all beings, even when they may hurl insults (or worse) at him. Reeves writes:
    But the story of Never Disrespectful Bodhisattva may lead us to see that doing good for others begins with respecting them, seeing the buddha in them. If we sincerely look for the potential in someone else to be a buddha, rather than critisizing or complaining about negative factors, we will be encouraged by the poisitive things that we surely will find. And furthermore, by looking for the good in others, we can come to have a more positive attitude ourselves and thus move along our own bodhisattva path.

    In the earlier chapters of the Lotus Sutra, it is the Buddha who is able to see the potential to become a buddha in others. But here it becomes very clear that seeing the buddha or the buddha-potential in others is something we should all practice, both for the good of others and for our own good.
    [from The Stories of the Lotus Sutra]

    But I love @misterCope 's two-journal idea (and the tearing the page out of the first journal embodies the act of truly "letting go" in a wonderful way.

    Thich Nhat Hanh has said on many occasions that we all carry beneficial seeds as well as harmful ones-- and our task lies in cultivating those beneficial seeds. In order for that to happen don't we first have to recognize those seeds in others, no matter how small they may seem at the time?

    So perhaps this presents an opportunity for you to cultivate the virtue of Never-Distrespectful Bodhisattva.
    zombiegirl
  • zenffzenff Veteran
    zenmyste said:



    Would it help me sort my emotions out and see where i stand with people?

    Yes, I think sorting out your emotions is a good idea.

    Maybe when you read the journal don’t read it as a list of nasty things that people did to you. Read it like a mirror instead. Read it like a list of thoughts that make you feel the victim. Or read it like a list of expectations or demands you have towards other people.

    You are not the victim. Every experience has the possibility of awakening. “The nature of all things is liberation” (Vimalakirti Sutra).
  • lamaramadingdonglamaramadingdong Veteran
    "He abused me, he struck me, he overpowered me, he robbed me." Those who harbor such thoughts do not still their hatred.

    "He abused me, he struck me, he overpowered me, he robbed me." Those who do not harbor such thoughts still their hatred.

    Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world. By non-hatred alone is hatred appeased. This is a law eternal.

    There are those who do not realize that one day we all must die. But those who do realize this settle their quarrels.
    Dhammapada
    riverflowlobster
  • CinorjerCinorjer Veteran
    Never put down in writing anything that would cause pain if someone finds your journal. A list of people who did you wrong doesn't sound like a good idea. Why would you want to keep track? Now if you'd asked about making a list of people that you wronged in life, I'd say give it a try. Oh, don't you dare tell me you didn't cause anyone trouble in life. We all did. That might help you keep the first list in perspective.
    riverflowmisterCope
  • zenmystezenmyste Veteran
    edited August 2013
    Cinorjer said:

    Never put down in writing anything that would cause pain if someone finds your journal. A list of people who did you wrong doesn't sound like a good idea. Why would you want to keep track? Now if you'd asked about making a list of people that you wronged in life, I'd say give it a try. Oh, don't you dare tell me you didn't cause anyone trouble in life. We all did. That might help you keep the first list in perspective.

    No, i do not cause anyone trouble.
    I was raised a nice decent bloke.

    If anything, i am TOO nice to others and i dont get anything back. Instead people abuse my good nature. And ive got to the point where ive had enough. People who i thought were close 'friends' have stabbed me in the back. Nobody cares about anyone but themselve..... Im thinking i might actually give it ago (thinking about myself, that is...)
  • zombiegirlzombiegirl beating the drum of the lifeless in a dry wasteland Veteran
    misterCope said:

    Keep two journals, in the first journal, when someone does something to upset you, write it down and write about how you feel about it. When you are done, tear out the page and throw it away. In the second journal, write about the same person who just upset you, but write down at least one thing that you really like about that person. Keep all the pages in the second journal and read them over occasionally.

    This is along the lines of what I wanted to suggest. Generally speaking, the advice on dealing with pain through writing is to throw away/burn the pages. In my own experience, when I sit down to write about something that is bothering me, by the end I reach some sort of conclusion that is more optimistic. It's as though just the act of writing is cathartic in itself. But, if you re-read your entries, you're liable to fall back into thinking about the people that have wronged you and relive the events, which is never helpful. It's better to get it out, let go, and move on...

    @riverflow I had forgotten about Bodhisattva Never Disparaging! (As he was called in my version of the Lotus Sutra.) I used to like to draw inspiration from that little guy... running around and recognizing the Buddha nature in everyone as they pelted him with rocks and hurled insults his way.
    riverflowlobstermisterCope
  • wrathfuldeitywrathfuldeity Veteran
    edited August 2013
    a pov shift...

    people who hurt you are trying to teach you something about yourself...but you are choosing to focus on the hurt...instead of the learning/teaching.

    once you have become learned...they can no longer hurt you...

    and then you might be compassionate and unburden their suffering.
    riverflowDavetheseekerJeffrey
  • zombiegirlzombiegirl beating the drum of the lifeless in a dry wasteland Veteran
    edited August 2013
    wrathfuldeity said:

    a pov shift...

    people who hurt you are trying to teach you something about yourself...but you are choosing to focus on the hurt...instead of the learning/teaching.

    once you have become learned...they can no longer hurt you...

    and then you might be compassionate and unburden their suffering.

    This really depends on what sort of "hurt" it is. If someone said something perceived as unkind, but there might actually be just some hard to hear truth to it, I completely agree. If someone was sexually abused or otherwise physically hurt, I don't believe this is quite the right approach. Not saying that compassion/metta practice is not helpful in either situation, but, sometimes things happen to us completely unprovoked and trying to find meaning/a lesson in all of it will do nothing but cause more suffering.

    And, OP, do not feel obligated to clarify.
  • misterCopemisterCope PA, USA Veteran
    Cinorjer said:

    Never put down in writing anything that would cause pain if someone finds your journal. A list of people who did you wrong doesn't sound like a good idea.

    This totally reinforces my idea! Imagine you are the jerk in this situation, and you are snooping through the belongings of someone you treat poorly and you find a journal full of wonderful anecdotes about yourself! That might change your life.

    @zombiegirl, I was going to say burn too, but decided on the more cautious suggestion. :)
    riverflow
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