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Living with it
betaboy
Veteran
What does it mean, especially when it comes to painful feelings?
People often say, just live with the feeling, don't run away from it, etc. But how is that possible? When I experience a negative and painful emotion, like jealousy or hatred, is it not reasonable to try and 'run away' from it? What does it even mean to live with the feeling, especially when it hurts like hell? We dont normally try and live with a toothache.
So my question is, Is that really good advice, connected to Buddhism at all (and not just a new agey thing)?
People often say, just live with the feeling, don't run away from it, etc. But how is that possible? When I experience a negative and painful emotion, like jealousy or hatred, is it not reasonable to try and 'run away' from it? What does it even mean to live with the feeling, especially when it hurts like hell? We dont normally try and live with a toothache.
So my question is, Is that really good advice, connected to Buddhism at all (and not just a new agey thing)?
1
Comments
A buddhist approach would be more in the realm of ' be aware of the feelings, their origin, their nature, and how they are really not connected to you.'
Suffering is the result of not being able to accept that information.
While pain is an unavoidable aspect of our survival, suffering is optional.
Meditatively observing how much more difficult life is when we add suffering on top of the pain is a best incentive for just relaxing and accepting the bare pain as it is.
Tough to do...Yes. but the alternative is actually a much tougher experience.
Whether you call it Buddhist or a new agey thing, it remains an easily observable & experiential meditative truth.
To the degree that you can allow yourself to simply experience it, is the degree to which you won't have that addition of suffering added to it. It will still be what it is but without the extra drama and soap opera that our unwillingness to accept it creates.
It sometimes helps to know that because every thing changes, this to will pass.
You don't have to start off with mammoth emotional pains to try it out on. Any emotional event can be your practice ground.
In order to be free of it, you have to let it close to you so you can look at it, see it and understand it, to "discern it as it actually is". Figuratively speaking, you have to look at it "under a microscope" so to speak. But to do that, you have to be standing next to it in order to look through the eyepiece. If all you do is run out of the room and shut the door, you can't even see it. If you can't even see it, you will never be able to understand it. If you don't understand it, you can never be free of it. To "live with it" in a Buddhist sense, means to "abandon rebelling" of it, reflect on it and understand it.
A way to give it space, is to visualize a humongous, large room, (even a castle room if you like) on the inside of your head, then take this emotion and place it in the middle of the floor. Since you are not angry or jealous all the time, it is only a small part of the room and so it only represents a small area in the middle of the room. With enough space, it can become something that is a living thing. Then observe how you relate to it. Make note, almost like a scientific experiment, of how you interact with the emotion. Do you feed it to become stronger? Do you correct it to shrink? Pretty soon, you can get the feeling that you don't need to extinguish it. It gets bigger, but then it shrinks. There is no need to "get it out of you". No need to obliterate it. Become an observer of it. Watch it and get to understand it.
Another approach that can be useful, is to surf it like a wave on the ocean. Learn how to ride with the wave, working with it rather than trying to control it or make it disappear.
This is acceptance and stopping a struggle that is going on inside of you. Good luck with it and I hope you find some peace.
What has worked for me is to:
1. acknowledge the feelings. (I'm feeling jealous; I'm feeling angry; I'm feeling guilty; I'm feeling hurt, etc)
Then start asking yourself questions and give yourself time to answer them honestly.
Remember, no one else can hear you inside your head:
2. WHY am I feeling jealous? Why am I feeling angry? Why am I feeling guilty? Etc.
Once you can answer these Whys fearlessly, with pure honestly, you will find that most of the time you are feeling this way more because of your own perceptions and/or expectations, than what anyone else is actually *Doing* to you...
Most times the other person isn't actually doing anything to purposely hurt you, or make you jealous or angry. Most of the time. So then you need to work on your own feelings, and learn to see things more clearly and without negative emotions creeping in so often.
However, IF you should determine that another person is actually manipulating you, through situations and circumstances, trying to make you jealous, feel guilty, or whatever, then it's time to critically assess the reasons you have this person in your life at all. Sometimes, in the case of family members, there may not be much choice about them being in your life, but then it's a matter of being aware and alert to their manipulations and seeing them for what they are...
Have compassion for yourself, though!
Learn to accept all emotions as existing, there is nothing inherently "wrong" with negative emotions in themselves... it's the way you acknowledge, assess and then "let them go" that counts.
Eventually, I imagine as one becomes more and more compassionate, mature, self-assured, and dare I say it- more "Buddha-like" - these emotions will seem much less extreme and less frequent.
Do they ever disappear completely?
Well I'll let you know if I ever get to that point!
PS: Remember the old saying;
We only get treated the way we allow others to treat us...
I'll put it in a way that helps me greatly.
This is by the brilliant Kahlil Gibran:
"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore, trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility."
I hope this excerpt will help you as much as it has helped me.
Do we have to understand pain to be free of it? Or is there some magical solution to pain where we don't have to bear to witness our pain up close?
At the moment pain arises we must understand that pain is inconstant, stressful, & subject to change. This way, the mind is not consumed with pain.
Thanks for the teaching, @seeker242.
the pain lasts days, and it just comes out of nowhere, catches you unawares. I am not feeding it, trying to get rid of it. Doesnt work.
It's almost like jumping at our shadow... When we see it is just our shadow, we can have a good laugh at our own expense. We don't have to live with it because we can transform the feeling simply by shining a light on it. I honestly think Buddha would have you use these feelings as tools for awakening. Maybe instead of fighting these painful emotions we should stand our ground and try to understand the feelings by showing them compassion.
After happiness comes suffering.
After suffering arises happiness.
For beings happiness and suffering
Revolve like a wheel.
—Nagarjuna
What is the noble truth of the source of suffering? It is craving [which produces] re-existence [as a being in samsara], and which is accompanied by passionate desire, and which is total delight with [or attachment to] this and that.
—The Buddha
The master Milarepa sings of the essential and profound meaning of the six perfections, applying them in meditation:
Apart from renunciation of grasping at self
There is no separate giving.
Beyond renunciation of deceiving
There is no separate discipline.
Apart from fearlessness in the true meaning
There is no separate patience.
Apart from being inseparable from the meditation
There is no separate diligence.
Apart from dwelling in the natural state,
There is no separate contemplation.
Apart from realization of the ultimate meaning,
There is no separate wisdom.
We pretty much DO have to suck it up and deal with it though. Running away or repressing the feelings only hurt us, they don't change the situation, they can't physically hurt the object we have allowed to upset us. And really, that's the crux of the issue, _WE_ are responsible for how we feel. No one holds a gun to our heads telling us we have to feel one way or another (even if we attend a religious institute and have someone tell us over and over to hate this or that, or love this or that, or that this sect is trying to kill us etc etc).
I am dying. I cannot use my anger to cure myself or hurt the disease. Yes it's very unfair. But what can I do? I cannot stop it, only (maybe) slow it down. So for the time I have left, I do have to "live with it", and I will. On my terms. I choose not to be angry. I choose to spend my remaining time making something of my life.
So essentially, yes - live with it. Don't let it run your life.
In metta,
Raven
This way you transform your moods from a "problem" which needs fixing to just another direct experience. Pure sensory input. Instead of struggling to find out WHY you feel this way you just EXPERIENCE feeling this way and get to know it.
Again, deeply sorry for what's happened.
jkrishnamurti.org/krishnamurti-teachings/view-daily-quote/20090531.php