Can equanimity and detachment ever make the situation worse?
zenguitar
Bad BuddhistNew England Veteran
Greetings, esteemed Sangha. I have a question that is part general, part "Dear Abby." Say you have a situation in which someone who knows nothing about Buddhism is angry/unhappy with a person who practices Buddhism. Say the Buddhist practices equanimity, mindful breathing, etc to try to deflect the anger and ill-will. But the first party finds this even more infuriating, because they may construe the Buddhist behavior as cold, aloof, and uncaring. What should the Buddhist do? Simply ignore the angry party? Or attempt some other method to placate them, like trying to be more "warm and fuzzy"?
In general, I guess I wonder sometimes if the qualities esteemed by Buddhism (equanimity, detachment from views, valuing understanding over action, etc) can be fathomed by the average person, who tends to be emotionally reflexive, attached to their own opinions, and more interested in action than reflection. Might the average person misunderstand and think the Buddhist is basically some kind of strange alien, especially in Western societies where most people don't really have any experience with this path?
But of course, the problem here might just be that I'm doing something wrong in my practice. 
I look forward to your insightful comments.
Comments
It's ideal to operate from a place of compassion, always. If you keep that in mind, it's easier not to upset people. The more you meditate, the more you will stay centered and balanced and find it easier to respond. Sometimes they will get upset anyhow. Sometimes, people don't like when some responds to their anger with compassion. They want you to push back and when you don't, they get mad. You cannot control how others react, nor should you try. That doesn't mean you should be uncaring and upset them purposely, but if you are honestly being open and compassionate and they don't like it, that doesn't mean you should change how you are acting to meet their needs. Their reaction is their responsibility.
When someone reacts badly to me, I try to investigate why and see if I could/should have done anything different of it all the responsibility for their reaction was them. You can only do what you can in the moment, but look back and see if you can do anything different next time.
There are definitely people who won't understand where you are coming from. But you do not have to explain to them "I am a Buddhist so I am doing this because it is what I believe." Just be a human. There are people around me who think Buddhism is witchcraft. It is out of ignorance and suffering that they hold those kinds of views. It is not your problem. But also, you may be underestimating a lot of people, too. Most people understand a kind, calm, peaceful nature, and they appreciate it because they wish they had it too.
It's a lifetime practice, give it time to work for you
What is your goal? By accepting and practicing equanimity, you are strengthening your practice. To try to convince others that your approach is either good or bad is of no fruitful consequence. Patience and compassion would actually be useful to you as a person. As far as they are concerned, all you can do is accept them as they are and wish them well. The rest is up to them.
@zenguitar, First and foremost, simply because you are practising Compassion and equanimity, does not mean you cannot speak up for yourself.
@karasti's post pretty much hits the nail on the head: You cannot be held responsible for the image others have of you, or their perception of you.
You can only seek to continue behaving in a way you deem Understanding, Compassionate and Loving - but this certainly does not mean remaining placid, peaceful or passive.
Sometimes, you need to demonstrate that you have a strong hold of your principles and that you believe you are doing the right thing, to your core, and to the best of your ability. And if that entails being forceful or stolid, and resenting a determined front then so be it.
Do not confuse equanimity and detachment with being a pushover patsy.
I always think of Mohandras Gandhi and his determination. Whatever criticisms one might level at him for the methods and means he used to galvanise his fellow countrymen into action and defiance (and to be completely honest, at times he was open to criticism) one thing you can say about him: he stood his ground and never wavered.
I'm not suggesting you shave your head, wear but a loincloth, wire-rimmed specs, carry a stick and knock a few teeth out.
But you get the gist.....!
@karasti, that is great. @AllbuddhaBound , I am trying to pursue Buddhism as a personal path of peace AND have harmonious relations with people around me, none of whom are Buddhists! Thank you.
Yes, @federica, I wish I had 1/100th of Gandhi's guts, determination, and integrity. Thanks.
The desire to be right is a pretty wily customer. Sometimes something called "Buddhism" gets swept into the mix and what is a beneficial aspect to one is enforced on another. Pay attention, take responsibility and see what happens as distinct from trying to make it happen.
Which may or may not be consistent to a particular view of one type of Zen..but needs context if it is to understood in terms of Buddhism without quote marks.
Specifically the 6th of the arms of the 8fp ...Right Effort.
The Buddha makes it clear that strain and over exertion and making no effort both miss the mark.
In his words the meditator " exerts his intent " to be free of delusions and wrong thought.
He " exerts his intent " to be free of those qualities which tend to heedlessness.
He " exerts his intent " to develop those qualities that lead to "peace and ease ".
He certainly wasn't advocating a passive mind state. WE need to make Right Effort.
It depends on why the person is angry with you -- from your own words, the reason is not particularly legitimate or worthy of you making a big demonstration of 'change' or whatever. In that case, you engage equanimity (in the best way you understand it) and detachment. The angry party gets angrier.
That's not because you are doing anything wrong per se . . . the angry person just realized they needed to turn up the volume because apparently you arent' getting their message (whatever that is). If it really is 'their problem' kind of thing, them upping the ante is just something you'll have to detach from too. Hopefully they'll give up soon.
Compassion is not just a way of behaving, it is something we'll all explore the rest of our lives. You have probably been that angry before, maybe even at someone who didn't respond to your anger the way you wanted them to. So you can 'relate' with the angry person's plight, and in that maybe a compassionate act or words will occur to you.
Another person's anger doesn't happen (necessarily) because there is something wrong with your practice, nor does their escalating anger
Two Dictums I have found to be incontrovertible:
1: The more you hate something, the stronger it gets.
2: He who cares the least, controls the most.
To others, your equanimity and detachment may appear as uncaring.
And that is what frustrates them and makes them 'hate' the way you behave.
Thanks everyone, but I should have stated in my OP that the reason this is so important to me is because the emotional non-Buddhist who sometimes get annoyed with me is close family, not some stranger on the street. So I have to make sure I get this right!
That puts a harder spin on things because of the value of the relationship. Then my priorities would be different . . . about preserving the relationship, is it worth preserving, in the past how has this person responded to serious stress in relationships, etc.
I have a similar situation with my sister (only sibling) and I don't have a confident handle on it either. I seriously wouldn't be close to her if she weren't flesh and blood family, and recently she asked me if I had something to say about recent behavior of hers and I told her what I had to say. I was respectful and honest, and clear with myself this is my opinion and stated as much to her. She exploded with rage, and we've been brought together by family matters since then, and are quite civil but I can't deny stress has ratcheted up a notch. I wouldn't have shared my opinions with her had she not asked, and I don't regret it and don't really think it was 'wrong speech' though I'm open to future reassessment
.
It's just sad and I don't think Buddhists 'do' anything different than non-Buddhists except to think about what's happening through a "Buddhist" lens, which isn't really necessary, and doesn't make a difference in the long run. I suppose one could think "a good Buddhist would establish equanimity in themselves in such an occasion" which is fine but that doesn't give you any tools to deal with THEIR response or any of your own.
You could say Buddhists in general look deeply into their assumptions and are mindfully aware of them in action during stress, and then go from there based upon the Brahma viharas as far as guiding behavior and action. It's not that simple, this stuff has to be internalized to the point you aren't looking at a Brahma vihara checklist.
Oh, I had gathered it was someone close to you, in your first post. Do you want this moved to members only?
Kindness without labels.
Iz you being a Buddhist by any chance?
You might need to engage with real behaviour rather than acting the part of a Buddhist? If I can put it like this; stop being a Buddhist and start being an even better person. Hope that does not imply you have to leave dharma . . . You are doing great. Asking the question is an act of kindness . . . :wave: .
No, that's not necessary @federica, thank you though.
That's a good point, @lobster , I think i sometimes over-identify with the label "Buddhist," though there is no reason for me to do that. I was born into Catholicism, not Buddhism, and I haven't taken any formal vows, I don't belong to any temple or anything, and I haven't even really told many people that I am a "Buddhist." Silly me.
Thanks very much @Hamsaka for both of your thoughtful replies. Food for thought for me...
I would try equanimity and compassion, not detachment (obviously to others) from the situation you face. does equanimity detach? Inwardly yes, to some degree. BUT, to look too cool outwardly can bring on the problem you face with some people. They think either you do not like them or you are not paying sufficient attention to them.
practicing equanimity with compassion would help
Thanks @Citta. As a newbie, I had not yet come across this in a Buddhist context. But it reminds me of previous wisdom. Can't now find the quote but it goes something like:
I have found that this applies to every area of life, including relationships. Part of the "intelligence" I have received is that I am powerless over others. I can not make them happy - and my attempts to achieve this just made my life unmanageable - but I can strive to create an environment in which others can choose joy. As has been said above, after that, it's up to them.
A nice analogy @SarahT.
A very healthy perspective to have, I think, @SarahT.
Good philosophy for many situations, as you say....