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How do you deal with loneliness?
DaltheJigsaw
Mountain View Veteran
I don't know where to start. I will start with...How do you deal with loneliness? Being alone, either after a break-up or just not finding someone you can marry or settle down with? Growing old and being so used to depending on someone, and then that is taken away from you?
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Don't deal with loneliness. There are lots of things remained in life to do like watching cartoons, travel to pilgrims, trying best foods etc ..
Getting to like your own company is helpful, also developing some real contentment.
@LeonBasin
The innate expression of the karma that birthed us is loneliness.. It is a belief that we are fundamentally apart from existence.
We usually find worldly ways of assuaging such feelings ( like with relationships) but as everything changes, inevitably we end up back where we started...feeling separated from existence again. I think this is where most folks cycle in and out of this pain.
The spiritual answer requires a practice where we learn how to face that sense of separation deeply enough to see it for the karmic delusion that it is. In that process is the learning of how we have maintained that karmic inertia and how we can stop continuing to do so.
I think that requires developing a larger priority of ones practice than of everything else.
My method was through a sustained meditative examination of my suffering through the lens of the 4 NT, the 8 FP.
It is really tough to do....but not quite as tough as not doing it.
Use this time to find out who you truly are. See if you can pin point exactly where the lonely one is? Often this will free up some space in you. And this space will bring joy.
Everybody conditions us to believe we need to find someone. This isn't necessarily true. You can be perfectly happy by yourself and many people are.
Start by working in yourself, use this as an opportunity. Many people in relationships or families wish they were alone and visa versa.
@how made a fantastic point, we as humans feel disconnected from the universe and other people. This isn't necessarily true. We ARE life itself. We just need to see our connections.
Some of my deepest feelings of loneliness is when I'm with other people, I feel fine by myself.
Also get a dog!
^^^^^^^
This may not be for everyone, but, although I don't have a dog, I do have a good and aging friend who claims his dog has done him more good than all the doctors he has been forced to see combined. I believe him ... and credulity is not my strong suit.
If you can't wag your own tail, get someone else to wag it for you.
one of my friend told me that a dog make your heart soft... having a pet make you stop contemplating on your loneliness and think about something else... like chancing you down the street in you pj cause you dog think ya'll playing a game lol
First off, stop thinking of loneliness/being alone as a bad thing
We're conditioned to think that way in our society...that part of our value lies in having a partner to prove that we are worthy of someone else's affections and time. It's not true. Sometimes, a person can be the loneliest they've ever been while in a relationship. I've been there. Being there was far worse and empty (in a bad way) than being alone.
Often, relationships are like anything else in our lives-a means to distract us from paying attention to what is really going on with ourselves. So while suddenly being free from it hurts, it can be an opportune time to observe how we've changed and what we've learned, because we often don't take that time when we are wrapped up in relationships.
As much as our lives have so many other people in them, the journey we are on can only be our own. There is no other way.
I'm sorry if you are going through a difficult time, @LeonBasin. It is nice to see you post, but I wish it were in better circumstances (if indeed your question is relating to circumstances in your life). It is never easy to cope with losing someone, no matter how they are lost. It is always a death of sorts, and always requires grieving. Give yourself time.
Perhaps it is a good time to take on a new volunteer opportunity, meet a new group, add some meditation time into your day, rearrange your house (similar to feng shui, but a bit different, I find vastu yoga fascinating...has to do with organizing the home, nothing to do with yoga asana/poses). Perhaps it would be an ideal time for a pet, as someone mentioned. But not as a way to fill a void left by someone who is no longer there. Let that space fill in with acceptance and then make the decision to add something/someone else to your life when and if you are ready.
It would be better to develop a relationship within. This is how monks survive in forest tradition - making themselves their best friend and companion. There are lots to explore within our own universe. - as the buddha taught.
Pursue a career that involves meaningful interactions with others and then work hard.
Read today:
"Next time you feel lonely and sorry for yourself, remember this:
you have approximately 25 BILLION white blood cells determined to protect your sorry little ass from whatever might hit you.
They're all your friends, and they will die for you without a moment's thought or hesitation.
Don't feel sorry for yourself.
Hold yourself in the high esteem you truly deserve.
You're a living Wonder.
Respect that, because once you die, you will never be replaced.
You're irreplaceable, unique and a walking motherf**king miracle."
Your capacity to love and feel deeply the loss or absence of another person with whom you connected is a beautiful thing. It's a unique and wondrous part of being in a human incarnation. Many circumstances must come together to create this experience of loneliness: you must have a body and a mind, and you must have the brain capacity to experience complex emotions. And you must have the requisite conditioning that allows you to open your heart to another being, rather than closing off or hiding. Not everyone has that. It's a very complicated phenomenon.
Once you go into your loneliness with a sense of respect -- not wanting to change it or ignore it or spiritually anesthetize yourself out of it in any way -- allowing it to be a part of the fabric of your life story, it will move. It will become tractable and inform your next steps in how to live out the rest of your days.
Very nice, @Glow.
One aspect is to not to compare yourself to 'how you should be' or 'how they are'.
Yes you do.
Loneliness is tough. As true Buddhist, you are not expected to lead a lonely life.
You still have us.
I would choose loneliness over a lot of things. Loneliness can be just one of the many obstacles in our escape out of samsara.
To be lonely can be dangerous for your health spesicaly if you cant handel it in a good way, lonely people dont live as long as others. It can be as dangerous as smoking.
http://www.everydayhealth.com/news/loneliness-can-really-hurt-you/
Reis believes loneliness is rooted in the quality of a person’s relationships. “It’s a lack of what we call intimate interaction…meaningful interactions where people are really connecting with the other person,” he says.
So what should a lonely person do?
First, recognize the loneliness. Loneliness is often equated with being a loser, “with holding up a big L over your head,” says Cacioppo. People tend to deny or conceal their loneliness, in which case it’s likely to get worse.
Second, understand what the loneliness is doing to your mind and body. “Unless you understand the psychological complexities of loneliness, you won’t understand what you’re doing,” says White.
Third, respond. “The idea is to reconnect safely,” says Cacioppo. Social media isn’t a substitute for face-to-face contact, but “it’s better than nothing.” White found her own feelings of loneliness began to change when she signed up for a women’s basketball league. “I was nervous. I was self-conscious. But I made myself do it,” she says.
A therapist can help, especially if loneliness is accompanied by feelings of anxiety or depression. “Loneliness promotes secrecy and distrust,” says White. “If you find someone outside of your social circle…you can talk really openly.”
Do not take anything way too seriously. Neither loneliness nor social-life is inherently good or inherently bad. Both have potentials to help us see through things 'just as they are', if we approach them skillfully. So relax. Try to utilize your time (of this precious human birth) in the best possible way in which you can.
If you are wanting an ultra Buddhist answer to the problem......
(By diligently practising the Dharma and not just paying it lip service...)
@LeonBasin Look for the self that feels lonely and you will have your answer /solution ....
I think how we perceive our loneliness has a lot more to do with loneliness itself. We all need connections on some levels with other people. Some need far more than others. But that doesn't have to come in the form of a romantic partner.
What happens when we sit with our loneliness and see what comes up? My mom is one who constantly needs to surround herself with people. But what is she missing out on by never being alone? There is always a flip side. And always a balance. There are a lot of people who live without a romantic partner and do just fine living joyful lives. It's unfortunate we are still made to feel like having a romantic partner means we aren't whole. The idea of someone else completing you is a huge lie that so many by into. It's harmful, not helpful, to believe in such things. Also, it just makes it more difficult with the relationship ends, or even just changes. If another person can complete you, and they change, then that means you have no choice into whether you change or not. No thanks.
I agree with the need to experience these lonely feelings in meditation and gain some insight into them. All sorts of relief can come from that.
It is my belief, though that most people will fail to thrive if they are apart from others all the time. So in my opinion, meditation on loneliness is not about learning to do without others but rather seeing ways to change one's life to be of more service to others. That will hopefully help with forming more positive social bonds.
Thanks @shadowleaver well said.
Seek company. Serve. We haz plan to end loneliness!
If you are friends to everyone including yourself, you will never be lonely.
I'm sorry that you're feeling down and lonely
. Not being flippant, but life can really suck - that's the less eloquent summary of one of the four noble truths. Because it sucks, we take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sanga. Metta and insight breathing meditation help so much for me. If you are feeling lonely, practice directing kindness and care to yourself through metta 
and the breathing meditation helps you to perceive that impermanent nature of life, helping to lessen attachment 
.
Learning and developing consistent meditation habits is hard and imperfect, but it's a nice little antidote to some of the pain and loneliness of living.
Lao Tze (yes, I know, he's not a Buddhist), said:
"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings."
I don't regret the ending of all the relationships that led to where I am now.
Every ending carried a lesson.
The most important was: "You are never lonely."
The best teaching Buddhism has to offer! Don't be afraid to sit this one out, just look around find your focus and relies what you are part of. I simply love it! I'm willing to be lonely but will not do nothing.
You show integrity and honesty @thug4lyfe
I believe your present situation is temporary. I believe the Buddha confirms this. What is your practice? Is it Amittabha?
How is your mother?