Getting back on the cushion
LittleAl
France New
Hi everyone. I'm looking for some encouragement, advice and suggestions for dhamma talks or teachers. About 4 years ago I began studying the dhamma and meditating on a daily basis, and for a couple of years found it extremely beneficial and calming. A couple of years ago however, I started experiencing what I would later find out are "emotional flashbacks (EFs)" (a little like panic attacks) which were occurring in the context of undiagnosed C-PTSD (complex PTSD) due to repressed emotional and physical abuse by my mother while I was younger. These EFs occurred on the cushion more and more frequently, I'm guessing because for the first time in my life I'd given my mind space to open up. Unfortunately, they became so frequent, that I began to associate meditation with them, and they also started occurring in other situations too. It has been a full year now that I haven't sat on the cushion, and although I have been dealing with the trauma and working to identify triggers to the EFs, I still have real fear and a feeling of an almost physical force stopping me from sitting. It's got to the stage where I could really have used some meditation during lockdown, but was unable to make myself do it. I do try to remain mindful throughout the day, however, and this has been useful during an EF to defuse the situation.
On the cushion, I have tried "sitting" with and recognising the feelings, but the trouble is they are so terrifying and emotionally distressing that I usually end up just giving up, because the pain is too much. I have tried to be aware of my breath, body, sensations, sounds....I'm not sure where to go next. I need help relearning that sitting can be a place of refuge rather than distress.
If you know of any useful resources which specifically would help with getting back on the cushion, I would be grateful. I miss it, and miss the person I was when I sat regularly.
Thank you 
Comments
Well, it seems to me that the first thing to do would be to get treatment for the emotional flashbacks. A lot of PTSD cases can be treated successfully trough a therapy called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). It’s quick and relatively painless, but it does involve running through the traumatic memories in therapy, so it’s not a walk in the park to actually do.
After that getting back on the cushion might be a lot easier.
You don't have to sit to meditate. TNH suggests many different things you can do to meditate that do not involve silence, stillness or 'doing nothing'. Sweeping can be meditative; washing up can be meditative.
You enact the tasks and concentrate on the water running, the soap bubbling up, the plates under water.... without actually THINKING that the water is running, the soap is bubbling up and the plates are under water.... You merely observe, without commentary. Same with sweeping, vacuuming, making the bed, do, don't think of doing.
But it's important to get professional help. The experience of abuse is long gone, but latent and emerging memories are derailing your life and taking control.
Your Mind is yours; it doesn't belong to anyone else, so what goes on in there is for you to sort out. And if that means gaining professional help to support you in that task, then it's the right and most urgent priority that you do.
Hello!
First of all, welcome! I have been part of New Buddhist for less than 1 month and I have to say that there is a great and experienced community here
Firstly, apart from the meditation, I hope you are also receiving / seeking assistance from a medical specialist / therapist just like Federica mentioned.
But returning to the cushion. My recommendation? Practice and intellectual immersion. That is how I do it
Sources:
Youtube
Yuttadhammo Bhikkhu - A Canadian monk that has quite an active channel with lots of videos, including links to his books and a weekly Questions & Answers live stream.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQJ6ESCWQotBwtJm0Ff_gyQ
Ajahn Sona - Another Canadian monk, Abbot from Birken Monastery. He doesn't do live Q&A like Yuttadhammo Bhikkhu, but his material is pretty solid. Check him out too!
https://www.youtube.com/user/AjahnSona
The Channel of the Buddhist Society of Western Australia - Lots of dhamma talks!
https://www.youtube.com/user/BuddhistSocietyWA
Reading
Theravada Readings
https://www.accesstoinsight.org/index.html
Berzin Archives (Vajrayana (Tibetan) Buddhism
https://studybuddhism.com
Dhamma talks (mostly Theravada)
http://www.dhammatalks.net
Buddhasasana - English Section
https://www.budsas.org/index.htm
Linji Yixuan (Rinzai Gigen) Zen teachings
http://sped2work.tripod.com/linchi.html
Extra (optional non buddhist)
Pierre Grimes (Classic Greek philosophy applied to our times)
http://noeticsociety.org/pierre-grimes/
Of course...there's loads more...and different sources. Hopefully the more you feed the Youtube algorithm, the sharper your search will be.
I wish you a happy Sunday!
Consider using a space hopper as a cushion for a short while. Any panicking. Start bouncing.
Here to help
Welcome too ... 💗
The facing of your particular arising experiences of fear is not something to rely on strangers about on any internet site.
They don't know you, or your history, just as you don't know theirs. They will not be able to see how you respond to their guidance or even be reliably there for you through that process.
I would look for some personal "one on one" help from a professional who might also be open to including some meditation in that help.
While everyone here on this meditation site would love to see you back on your cushion, meditation is just not for everyone, all of the time, especially as a stand alone solution to regular and unwitnessed overpowering (EF's).
Good luck in this journey and I hope you will return here again to teach us of what you are learning about it all.
Wise words.
May all beings be happy!
Good points, well presented....
I'll start by echoing others in saying that professional help in dealing with your PTSD is the most important thing. Very strong emotions like these can be too difficult to deal with on your own during a meditation session.
Maybe you could find some success with more active style meditations like using a mantra or metta meditation where you are reciting phrases, or guided meditations. Rather than open presence or observation style meditations. Also study and contemplation on the philosophy or ethics of the Buddhist path can help give direction and cognitive tools for your life even if meditation is overwhelming right now. Meditation is only one aspect of the 8 fold path.
Good luck, I hope it goes well for you and you can find a path to healing.
I don't have PTSD but I do have periods of psychosis with things like superstitious delusions and voices and I have the idea that meditation can make things worse. What I have done at times is stop meditating for 2 months and then start again later when I feel it is a good time.
And meditation isn't the only dharma practice and don't feel that your not properly doing Buddhism merely because you would need to take a break from meditation.
So miss ...
The question becomes where to now?
Great suggestions from everyone some may hit home ...
You may skip some ...
https://buddhaweekly.com/the-psychology-of-buddhist-prostrations-the-humble-bow-a-meaningful-method-to-connect-with-buddha-nature/
Om mani peme [JUMP] hum
No point in fighting ... oh ... wait ...
https://www.zenlightenment.net/zen-martial-arts/
Hi again everybody.
First of all, I'm aware it's been ages since I posted originally - but rest assured I have taken all of your comments on board and am grateful for them. I am happy to report that I've been able to meditate in the evenings now for about 2 weeks, for 10 minutes at a time. It feels so, so good just to be there and be still and be ok. Focusing on self-compassion really helps. Like Ajahn Brahm's wonderful quote, "Love yourself like a dog loves you". EFs still appear from time to time but I've found personifying them as "Mara" has helped - and as mental formations that do not exist in the outside world. They're chemical processes, nothing more. Just Scary Dukkha. I see you Mara. It helps to get a bit of distance when I feel them coming on.
I just wanted to add some resources which I found helpful in case anyone stumbles on this thread in the future, looking for help.
Firstly this talk by Tara Brach and Jim Gordon: https://tarabrach.com/working-with-trauma/ Jim introduces a breathing technique which I found therapeutic.
And secondly these two books:
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk
Complex PTSD : from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
Thank you again for your care,
Al
Thanks for sharing your experiences. 🙏🏻 There is evidence that one of the effects of lockdown is raised incidence of PTSD, panic attacks, Clinical anxiety states and so on. Pooling experiences as well as consulting professionals, can be very helpful.
Bravo.
Use and do everything you can to generate well being. Move towards this as you can, forgiving or accepting 'failure' but focussing on the happy reporting.
Thanks for letting us share your efforts ...
Yes...this.👏
I’m glad that what has been said has helped even if it is just a little. Meditation can really confront you with your issues, which is not always a bad thing because it helps you see that the issues are there.