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Idle speech, right speech...
JohnCobb
Hot Springs Arkansas Explorer
in Mindfulness
If in conversation with someone and you are tempted to speak evil, because of the other person's conversation or because of your own thoughts about whatever is being spoken on, or you begin to think bad thoughts, what's a nice, polite way to break free of the conversation?
I know we are not to entertain bad speech in our conversations either, so if, say I'm having a conversation with my boss (can't really walk away from him (this is hypothetical)), and he begins talking bad about a fellow employee, should I ask him to refrain from speaking thus? This question applies to any situation you may not be able to walk away from because of who you are speaking with, boss, spouse, police officer, whomever.
1
Comments
It depends on the situation.
I generally mind my own business when it comes to what others say unless I can see it's getting out of hand! Then a gentle persuasive comment here and there may suffice.
"Ah well, none of us is perfect...."
That kind of thing.
On a bad day though I might join in hehe
Be polite and kind.
If that does not work, shoot them
eh … I may have left out a few steps …
Anecdotes work well sometimes. I usually begin with “well that puts me in mind of…” and then I launch into a short, sometimes relevant story. It’s a good way to get the conversation onto a different track.
We can not easily walk away from those we are dependent on, relatives, neighbours, gang members, our past, service providers etc.
It depends on skilful reframing
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_reframing
… or Noble Silence
Or developing Right Speech skills
I keep coming back to this section of the Abhaya Sutta whenever I start contemplating right speech, maybe you will find it helpful
Sometimes relevant? lol!
@JohnCobb you're right that it's not always a great idea to be the person in the room being sanctimonious, and sometimes you just can't walk away. There isn't just one right answer. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to keep quiet and take note of the fact that you're learning about some people that could benefit from being treated with more compassion. Later, you can do a Metta meditation and direct your compassionate thoughts towards those folks. I'm a materialist so I personally don't think that this results in anything except for a positive change in your own outlook, both towards yourself and the other people you're thinking of, but for me that's been cathartic.
When people talk trash around me, I try to find a good place to bring up the fact that everyone is a product of their life experience, and hurtful behavior is usually a symptom of trauma- which means that the most reasonable target of someone's annoyance should be the lack of compassion in the world instead of the victims of it.
When all else fails, and you can't remember the right Buddhist list for reference when choosing your next action, use this handy list I came up with for emergencies:
1. Don't be an asshole
2. If someone says you've been an asshole, really listen to them and express your regret and your intention to enact less assholery in the future.
3. Mindfulness mediation can make #'s 1 and 2 far more achievable.
Actually, it's much simpler than that.
1 - Don't be an asshole
2 - See Rule #1.
In situations like this I often say "I wonder what has happened in their lives to make them behave in such a way?"
This is a way to introduce empathy & compassion into the conversation and more often than not gets the person to think more carefully about what they say next...
Well said Shoshin1 💗
Biting your tongue (noble silence) is hard. I would just be biting mine off continually. However reframing might help, here are examples …
https://www.goodnet.org/articles/how-to-turn-11-everyday-phrases-from-negative-positive
I usually point out that the conversation is wandering into the gossip zone and I don't go there. Gossip can cause what we think of as evil very quickly. Another thing I use is if the conversation is about a 3rd party who is not present I point out that the person is not there to defend him/herself and that ethically I have to bow out of the discussion.
The very basic framework/template of not being a samsaric/ordinary asshole is explained and deepened in dharma. Very well!
We can all think of examples. I like to use myself:
Iz plan!
In fact I prefer to think this way:
In short, use the better option as much as possible …
May all benefit beings