Should friendships always be honest?
Jeroen
Luminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlands Veteran
It’s been interesting, I’ve been talking with my father about some of his friendships. He is retired, and he is noticing that some of his friendships with ex-colleagues are changing, he is noticing that some of them are not as upright and straightforward as he himself would prefer them to be.
Instead he is finding some people have a certain prejudice towards Osho and some rigid opinions based on negative media coverage back in the day. But then they don’t talk to him about his time in the communes out of ‘respect’, and so some things are never discussed among friends.
So now he finds one of these friends is setting himself up as kind of a mini-guru, with a group of women who all go and do yoga and cold-water swimming. It’s led to a few fiery exchanges.
Comments
Not too sure about the question.
There's nothing I can see in the OP where your father's relationships are somehow dishonest.
Some things are never discussed. I was involved in a cult-ish Christian group in my youth, and while I never made it a big secret, I almost never spoke about it, and my friends, out of respect, I suppose, never pushed it. Nothing dishonest.
I'm not sure who Osho figures into it. However, I can see how "negative coverage" might create some tension in a friendship. One of Osho's lieutenants, Ma Anand Sheela, convicted for plotting a bio-terror attack, might turn off a few people.
Me writing anything about friendships or relationships is laughable to start. I find them endlessly confusing and painful. I can't even figure out the relationship with the members of my family or my best friend. I don't know if friendships can always be honest except for a rare few. Lying, cheating, and stealing appear to be woven into the fabric of human conditioning so deeply, even if one wants to be, there are layers of self-deception they've grown completely blind to through repetition.
Maybe an honest friendship depends on how honest one can be with themselves, to see things as they truly are and acknowledge. Something people appear to be afraid of, honesty with themselves, accepting truth; especially when it doesn't align with the mind's narrative. Then that dishonesty with themselves becomes nature, spills into relationships with others, and causes pain. From another angle, being honest may cause pain too. Finding the right speech to help a friend recognize and course-correct is no small feat. After all, why would Alexander the Great ever truly listen to Diogenes? A great ruler take the advice of some naked nobody? Never.
Before I devolve into a tirade about my own friendship troubles.. Simplifying according to how I understand Buddhism, a good friend speaks about the good deeds of others and says nothing of their bad deeds. While saying nothing of their own good deeds but revealing where they have been bad.
I don't know any better way though I don't particularly like this way. It hinders me from complaining and whining about the behaviors of others, things I don't like. And what mouse doesn't like a good cheese and whine from time to time.
/rant
Honesty and relationships.
I think that if one holds to the Buddha's directions about how best to steadily advance along the path towards suffering's cessation, then honesty, tempered by skillful means, is the Buddhist answer to honesty & relationships.
Here, honesty is more than an expression of an answer which is true.
It is in the manifestation of your own egolessness, where the listeners ego is not being correspondingly challenged and enflamed, that an offered truth is capable of being truly heard.
One should look at the middle way approach( along similar lines to what @how was saying) and take into account the impact of what you might say.... bearing in mind no two situations are the same... One person may appreciate you pointing out things, another may resent what you say or it may have a devastating effect on their mental well being ...
One size does not necessarily fit all...
On a slightly different note ( well maybe not so different-the relationship one has with oneself)
Hmm...I wonder how often we lie to ourselves in order to make ourselves feel better about ourselves...
A good friend remains a friend, warts and all. A good friend does not take advantage of you nor allow you to take undue advantage but remains a friend.
Dear Friends,
As a perpetual fantasy, I know the truth when a-voided. Not everyone can, does or should speak it in an acceptable manner.
We can learn to a lesser or greater degree how to have integrity, authenticity and fiendish/wrathful friends … including our disappearing selves.
The questions/answers are all well stated. Rust the Buddha, follow the Muddle Way, Empower the Sangha.
Persevere! 🤓🦋✅
What would skillful means look like when it comes to friendships? What does honesty look like? What's shared? What's not shared?
Hey @FleaMarket
I had thought that the second part of my posting (that you omitted) might be the answer to your questions...
But
The story of the Buddha's mustard seed teaching is a good representation of what "skillfull means" actually looks like when interacting with another, as well as a possible answer to your other questions as well.
Honesty with oneself and others is such an important characteristic on the spiritual path, it is one of the foundational stones that everything else is built on. But I think in highly evolved people often they are honest as a matter of course. If you have a few of these as friends you can count yourself lucky.
I think it naturally comes, that if you’re honest yourself you get a better understanding of who you are, and a greater acceptance of who you are. It’s a measure of personal integrity.
Reading the sutras on right speech can really help you see the Buddhist path to friendly communication.
Hi @How, It felt like the answer but I'm not understanding things clearly enough to make use of it just yet. I'll look up that teaching.
Thanks for the feedback @Jeroen.
I may do that.
I'd say yes, honesty is always the best policy. But there are also other considerations when it comes to right speech, whether in friendship or otherwise:
So we should speak the truth, but we should also know when is the right time and when we should maybe not say something because we're too angry or the other person isn't in the right mind-state to hear what we have to say. Our words should be offered with affection and in goodwill, not anger or in order to manipulate or deceive. And we should say what is beneficial to the other, not something that will harm, degrade, or confuse another.
Whether friend or foe, we should strive to develop these skills when dealing with other people, as difficult as it may be at times. And we may not always know if what we're saying checks off all 5 boxes, but we must use our discernment to judge and then reflect upon the outcomes a la MN 61.