Best Of

Recalibrating a little bit:

1. 5 Precepts best I can (ants are no exception)
2. Sit on my meditation cushion 5 minutes minimum
3. Pick 2 minimum: Upper body, core, lower body, stationary bike 15 min, outside walk 15 min
4. Step outside
5. Meet sexual interest with disinterest and move attention elsewhere/activity change
6. Be mindful while socializing

..and a little reminder to myself
Meditation provides what you're looking for and does not come with all the side effects which obfuscate your ability to harmonize in society. It's better to be alert from a natural rest routine than drinking copious amounts of coffee. Chase the buzz get stung by the beez.

The flaps of a fledgling's wings are tragically clumsy but without them even the strongest of wings would not come to be. I'm adding a new challenge to my routine. To be mindful while socializing. Very different to me than being mindful while out and about. Something happens to me fairly often when I'm near people which causes my whole body to tense, sometimes enough to shake like I'm cold, the mind becomes hyper-vigilant but murky. Reminds me of walking through a den of wolves pretending to be a wolf but painfully obviously not a wolf. The mind goes blank or consumed by how strange I must appear or where the first bite will be coming from. When the conversation happens, it's reflective of that anxiety and takes many strange forms such as mimicking, exaggerating their expressed emotions, taking on a child-like mentality, stone-walling..

Well I decided to practice this morning and went out to a popular sit-down breakfast. It was packed with a line like a typical Sunday. The walk from parking space to entrance was anxiously mechanical. Before the anxiety could completely sweep me away, something reminded me to pause and reflect on what I was doing that was contributing to that anxiety. Cause and effect. I was not attending to the right things. My attention was on the mechanical nature of my walk, what words I'd use to ask for a seat, what to do with my freakin' hands, where my eyes are safe to rest so not to disturb anyone's morning, how to best avoid judgemental glances and so on. Holy carp, is this how it always is? No, sometimes none of that happens at all and everything's wonderfully fluid and normal.

So I took a look at what the difference was, and among other things was just that. Where was my attention and what was it doing there? On the effects of my anxiety, enhancing them. So I put it elsewhere. The breath, a pretty tree through the window, the details in the light fixtures, the waiter and our conversation when they came around. She was clear and sharp-witted, unlike my groggy self, and right away offered me a cup of coffee or a tequila (I must have looked pretty rough). An uncommonly forward question that would typically leave an anxious me sheepish leading to a jumbled response. But the fevered anxiety had broken when my attention had shifted to something else more pleasant, more calm, more centering. I was more present in the moment than present in the anxiety. There was the ability to relax and improvise. The meal was good, the service great, anxiety still lingering but a simmer instead of a roaring boil. After paying I looked the waiter in the eyes and let her know I found her delightful. I got the feeling that meant something to her. Now I'm reflecting on how much better that went compared to how it could have gone. And the reasons behind why that is.

I find lust to be a strong problem with me, especially with phones and the possibility of unlimited and free access. I started to take a "wider" view of it and realised that if I wanted to be against seeing women as sexual objects and the dark world of sexual desires I had to stay away from this content. Everything is interconnected. This is a product of our natural demands magnified by technology and capitalistic ventures.

Precepts are good...But my meditation practice is bad. I think I need to wake up earlier. But this challenge is helping me refine my day to day. That has to count no?