Best Of

@Kotishka said:
It's gonna rain!

About ruddy time! We've had the most marvellous 2½ - 3 weeks of unseasonably warm and sunny weather! True to form, people are bemoaning the bright, warm, sunny weather, stating 'we could do with some rain' and if it comes, give it 3 days - and they'll be moaning they want the sun back!

Last night I drunk my first morning coffee at 3 am. I promptly fell back asleep at 4 and slept until 7, which means I wasn’t totally wasted during the day.

A politician dies and is greeted by an Angel. The Angel says to him that he, the politician, must choose his own final destination.

First, he takes him to Hell. The politician is met with a decadent yet idle reality. Plenty of booze, drugs, pretty girls dancing, his former political allies playing poker yelling "Hey!!! Long time no see! Come and join us!"; amazing hot weather, BBQs, steak, etc.

After spending a few days there, the Angel picks him up and says it is time to visit Heaven. The Angel looks at him and asks: How was that? The politician replies: Oh my! That is Hell? It is amazing!!! The Angel smiles and says: Very well, now you must experience Heaven.

There he is filled with an incredible sense of peace. He is floating in a cloud of well-being, calmness, peace, etc. The Angel visits him once again and removes him from that plain. He speaks to him: How did you feel? The politician, with tears in his eyes replies, "What a peace of mind...what a feeling...oh I cannot describe...so calm...so peaceful."

The Angel then becomes serious and says that he must now choose. The politician grinning says: Obviously Hell! It is what I truly enjoy.

The Angel sends him immediately to Hell where he is welcomed with a different image than what he had experienced: his friends flogged by demons, the heat unbearable, the food poisoned and rotten, the pretty girls were now ugly monsters with sharp teeth. The politician looks up to the Angel in fear.

"What is this? How come? This is not the Hell I experienced!"

The Angel smiles: "Ah! Of course, I forgot to mention that Hell was in the midst of elections while you visited...."

A priest and a politician go to Heaven. After the preliminaries are all dealt with, St. Peter takes them both to see where they will be staying. He first takes them to a plain high-rise apartment block, and after a long ride in an elevator, shows the Priest his apartment; a modest, sparsely-furnished, practical functional place, with a small kitchen, bathroom, living room, bedroom with a single bed, side table, chair and wardrobe. Muted colours, minimal decor.
Having left the Priest to his own devices, St. Peter then takes the politicians to an amazing home, with an all-round porch/verandah, luxury living,opulent decor, and an all-singing all dancing brass band and cheerleader troupe.
The Politician is somewhat stunned at the stark difference between the Priest's accommodation and his, but St Peter explains, "Oh, well, you know, Priests and Holy men are two a dime here, but you're the first politician we've ever had..."

Recently, in a large French city, a poster with the image of a skinny and tanned young woman appeared in a gym window. The text read: “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale? ”

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the model on the poster, responded publicly to the provocation with these words:

“To whom it is due,
Whales are always surrounded by friends: dolphins, sea lions and curious humans. They have an active sex life, get pregnant and give birth to adorable baby whales. They love eating shrimp, playing and swimming in the oceans, visiting amazing places such as Patagonia, the Bering Sea and Polynesian coral reefs.

Whales make amazing singers and they even recorded CDs. They're incredible creatures and almost free of predators, except for humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost the whole world.

Mermaids, on the other hand, don't exist. And if they existed, would they line up in front of psychoanalysts’ studies to solve their identity crisis: fish or human? Even the most experienced therapist would find themselves in trouble.

They don’t have a sex life, because they kill the men that approach them. But how could they? Where would 'that thing' be? Consequently, they don't have children. And who would want to approach a girl who smells of fish tank?

P.S. We live in a time where the media tries to convince us that only skinny people are beautiful. I, on the other hand, prefer to enjoy ice cream with my children, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and good chocolate with my girlfriends.

Over time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that, when there is no more space, it is distributed to the rest of our body. So we are not burdened, we are hugely educated and happy. "